AIBU to ask if you were emotionally abused as a child, how do you feel about yourself now?

This is very outing so I have name changed but honestly, it wasn't until I joined up and went through officer training that I really started to feel self worth. It stripped me down emotionally and built me back up. It gave me a sense of structure and routine I'd never really had before. It gave me pride and the ambition to keep pushing myself.

I actually remember the time when we were on exercise out in the field that I started to shed the skin from my broken childhood and started coming into my own.

No one thought I could do it. No one thought I was bright or would achieve much. When I got my commission I held my head high and metaphorically stuck two fingers up to my detractors. I learnt that other people only define who we are if we let them.

I'm not suggesting you join up but it was much cheaper than therapy for me!

I went on to have a full career, travel the world and I now have two amazing kids and a wonderful DH. I'm a much better parent than I would have been because I've learnt to be much more self reflective than my parents ever were. I think they were too afraid to take a good hard look at themselves and their choices. I'm not. That's the huge difference and I hope the step that has broken the cycle of emotional abuse.

@NeverDropYourMooncup it's criminal that people can do such a number on someone and attempt to erode everything good in them.

Since going NC with sibling and LC to NC with mother - I realise all these skills that I have. I can write poetry, I'm creative and play the guitar and sing pretty ok. I'm loving and connecting with animals and appreciate them, even the pigeons I love to now see properly and enjoy them. All the things mocked and ridiculed are actually the great gifts and attributes that are purposely undermined until we break free. I used to scream watching my brother enjoy burning the ants and insects under a microscope; purposely to evoke upset from me. That reaction was mocked out of me.

I now see clearly who was and is unfortunately still on the wrong path. And I'm back in touch with that part of me that loves even the bees and wasps again.

Along with all the other qualities that my mother despised in me, I had intelligence, an ability to get along with animals - and an abundance of sheer bloodymindedness.

I'm fucking brilliant and DP is as lucky to have me as I am to have him.

I'm apparently 'very resilient', which annoys the fuck out of me whenever anybody says it - well, yeah, when I've been battered to hell for trying to protect the dog when she was going for him with a stick precisely because I was immune to her punches, Mr Jones getting snotty on the phone and calling me names really isn't going to have that much impact on my day, but Mr Jones should have been pulled up on his attitude by the boss long before he got the impression that we were here to make him feel all manly and powerful and why the fuck hasn't the boss got the balls to tell him that nobody will take his calls anymore? I'll take them just so I can hang up on him again. But yay, Mooncup can do that, she's so resilient that none of this upsets her.

It's not exactly a great prize to have won, to have physical assault, screaming abuse and silent venom ruling my childhood through terror so that a twat on a phone is fuck all to me - so why congratulate me on it?

Anyhow, find something that she really hated about you and see it as a strength. Too smart by half? Yeah, you're smart. You were an idiot? Nah, that was to stop you realising how smart you were. Ugly? No child is ugly, so that was just lies and you're absolutely gorgeous. Pathetic? Nope, you just weren't vicious like her, you were a good person. Nobody could love you? Well, that's been disproven, hasn't it? Shows how much she knew.

The world prevails on the back of sheer bloodymindedness. So find it, embrace it and see your own amazing self the way that others see it in you.

Started drinking at 11, using hard drugs by 13. Tried to kill myself at 18. Took me till late 30’s to have a proper job. Abusive marriage with an addict. Risky, violent sex with strangers. Bulimia.

I’m 42 now and just started therapy to try and unpack it all. In a healthy relationship for the first time ever. Clean and sober nearly 10 years. Good career. But I’m not sure I’ll ever be normal.i don’t have many friends, have a lot of anxiety, prone to depressive episodes and emotional disregulation when stressed. But things are definitely better. I’ll settle for better.

My teens and 20s were shocking, I almost don’t recognise myself then. Must have been some sort of personality disorder. Also boiling rage - I was so angry all the goddamn time. It’s a wonder I have any friends left from that time in my life.

Now in my 30s I have built up my self esteem and generally calmed down. I still have imposter syndrome and have days where I think my life is going to implode any minute (DP leaving me, my health going to shit, etc), so fixing the damage is a work in progress.

TW

I grew up with horrendous abuse and the head fuck stuff is what still effects me.

I couldn't make choices, simple choices. I grew up believing that everything i did was wrong, every choice was wrong. I could have said "the sky is blue" and be told "dont be stupid its green" then the next day said "the sky was green" and be told how stupid i was.

I despised myself. I would spend so long wondering what my step mum would judge me for and if id be doing the wrong thing. Even years after of having no contact.

I felt like everyone in the world knew how dirty and vile I was.

I could not be nice to myself, just the thought of being nice or thinking something nice about myself was awful, made me feel vile. The only time I allowed myself to show any kind of kindness to myself, was cleaning my self harm. So I did it often.

Over the years ive suffered every type of abuse. Ive self harmed, been extremely overweight, anorexic, bulimic, suicide attempts, psych admissions, risky sex where I let men horrificly abuse me.

Ive had different therapy's, talking, CBT, ACT, psychotherapy, 6 sessions of this, 12 weeks of that, group work, mindfulness, nearly all the different psych meds.

I reached a breaking point and very nearly died. Seconds away. I did not want to go on anymore.

I was admitted to hospital. I finally admitted to the nice family members I had, that I felt not worthy of knowing let alone letting them love me, just how bad things were.

They swooped in and after a few months hospital stay. Me and my children moved in with them. It was a different county, and they offered DBT dialectal behaviour therapy. Which is the top notch in therapy there. It was a commitment, a year long, once a week 1-1 therapy with the same therapist, once a week "skills group" which sounded horrendous, and phone coaching, I can call my therapist or text her any of her working hours and she will get back to me and help me use a skill, calm down, re focus.

She was there when I nearly vomited at the thought of being kind to myself, there as we picked apart chains of how I think and why and how to stop things like self harm. We got into the grittiest of nitty. And made sense of it. She cheered me on, stuck by me. And I committed to that therapy, to trying out the skills, and I found that they started working. And so I found hope for myself. So I tried a little more. And even though mindfulness to me was, a big crock of pretentious, patronising shit. I did it. I did the silly exercises, I did the skills, I did the homework. And one day I text my therapist "OMG THIS DBT SHIT WORKS!!!" I still continue to say that in shock at times.

I now am kind to myself, I do nice things, I notice so much around me that all just blurred into the background.

I live in a lovely home with my 2 children, my nice family are 15mins down the road, we see them all the time and they love me and I let them. I learned to drive, got a car. I lost 3st healthily, gave up smoking, reduced my medications.

I have roughly 3months left of therapy, and im a different person. I have never been this version of myself.

Do not give up on yourself, no matter how much you want to, when there is only 1% of you that has hope, you hold on to that. You give yourself a chance because I promise you deserve it.

Sorry I went on a tangent. Dont mean to derail.

I think I'm ok but I do have walls up for people outside of my DH and DC. I am hypercritical of my parents and have cut them off. I cut lots of people off easily actually, I've put up with enough shit in my life. I'm a very guarded person.
My DSis is a very successful workaholic. She puts up with endless shit from people. Gives too much.
My DBro has smoked weed all day everyday since a teenager. Won't work and won't bother trying.
We're all damaged in our own ways I expect.

Thank you ❤

You poor thing. My background was similar.

I also went off the rails in my late teens - looking for love in all the wrong places.
I’ve had lots of therapy which helped but I still drank to numb out and to help me cope.
Eventually stopped drinking (with the help of Soberistas - highly recommend) and feel very much better about myself now. I’m late fifties and I wish I had stopped drinking, got clarity and found my self esteem decades ago.

I wish you well.

Thanks @crazeecat! Made me tearful reading what you said!
Yup, one day when I'm in my 60s I'll have friends, I think by then I'll be able to manage it and enjoy it (maybe) 😄

I'm so sorry for your pain.
May the Lord reveal Himself to you. May you call on his name. Jesus came so we can have life more abundantly ❤️

God I hadn't realized how much of my personality has been shaped by the parenting I recieced.

Yes i have to wear makeup everyday, I was even fretting in labour about making sure i had makeup on. Having to stifle labour noises as I was embarrassed of the sounds I would make. Being loud would be unseemly. I wanted to be quiet, to just get on with it and not make a fuss.
Yes to the disordered eating. Can't be over weight.
Imposter syndrome at work. Never feeling good enough.

I gave up. It's too hard. I'm alive but I'm not living.

Nothing ever seemed to help me. It was an endless cycle of highs and lows, and even during my best moments, I was often left with that empty feeling, filled with shame about who I was.

Honestly, I’ve only managed to overcome my demons—excuse the pun—by finding Jesus and establishing a relationship with Him.

I will pray for those who are suffering. May you find the peace you deserve.

I was emotionally abused at home and bullied at school, so the first 16 years of my life were, um, less than perfect. Apparently, I wasn't wanted (I made the mistake of being a girl, you see), should never have been born, the only thing that would make that parent happy would be if I was dead, I should have the illness rather than them, and oh, by the way, this is how you commit suicide (very educational for a 10-year-old...). Thankfully, that parent died (and yes, I've been called selfish for expressing that, on being asked, "Do you miss them?"). At school, I was ugly, posh, 'fat' (actually, I'm more of an athletic build, rather than built like an ironing board), weird, had my name ridiculed, etc.

Needless to say, by 16, I hated people in general and wanted to live by myself in the middle of nowhere. Throw in the pressure from other family members (who had designed my life's plan down to a T) and it's hardly any wonder that I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I shut myself away and, although I don't remember much of that time, I just remember thinking, "I did what they wanted and it didn't make me happy. I'm going to try doing what I want, to see if that works". It did... and things are better.

I have anxiety. It can be crippling at times, to the point that I struggle to manage at work some days. On the outside, I'm friendly, but on the inside, I struggle to trust people. My confidence is no longer rock bottom, as it was when I had a breakdown, but it's still fragile. My head is a private mess.

I grew up into what is considered an "attractive" woman. I still come across as "posh" at times. I'm still of an athletic build, but muscular. I changed my name. I abandoned the Life Plan set out for me, re-trained, and only applied to faraway jobs that came with accommodation (I live by myself in a rural area, though I'd like it to be more remote). This means that I don't have to see bullies, can minimise family pressure and bad memories, and it's easier to manage my anxiety. I acquired a dog, which gave me a reason to get up in the morning, and to go out... though I still prefer uninterrupted dog walks! I've tried counselling, but the cynic in me just said that it was a very expensive conversation. The biggest thing is that I have embraced my weirdness, and I don't mind being seen as odd, as it keeps life interesting! I'm always trying out new things, like arts and crafts, or aerial silks and trapeze, and I have the confidence to go to the pictures and things by myself. I have rebelled against what I was taught, and have tried out different religions, and do activities that were banned (eating large quantities of chocolate until I could regulate it, leaving the village, and even driving in the dark...). I think that exploring yourself and doing what interests you helps.

I don't love myself, and there are days when I don't like myself (those are the bad days), but it's better than it was. There isn't a magic wand, but you can improve your confidence bit by bit. It's a little like being a jigsaw. You just get bigger and better with every positive thing that you do for your confidence.

Good luck, OP, and I will be reading everybody else's posts for further inspiration!

Honestly this made me well up. I would go out for coffee with you. I hope one day you ask someone and u have a really great time.

Oh me too! I find it impossible to relax and not feel bad about it.

This thread has made me feel things. Thanks to everyone for sharing. I relate to so much of it.

I left home determined to not live the life I was born into and my childhood/teen years which were tough. I have succeeded at that, surpassing my own expectations with partner/child/house/job/travel.

But I still don’t feel like I’m enough. Like others have said, I objectively KNOW im good, but have really low self confidence, self esteem, imposter syndrome and have a constant fear of messing things up and losing everything I have worked hard for. I also was a people pleaser and always worried about others feelings and feeling responsible for that.

Those latter things have resolved with age and experience and I actually think the independence I have as a result of my earlier years is an asset. The others I manage by reflecting on what I have achieved and telling myself what I know to be true. On the (rare)occasion where I do get compliments and positive feedback (outside of my family), it feels incredible but a little awkward and I don’t know how to handle it. The main concern I have now is the ceiling this creates for me in the workplace, as I feel success at the highest levels doesn’t lend itself to the characteristics I possess. I’m working on that as I don’t want to be held back by things that happened decades ago.

It devastates me that people do this to their children. Why have them if you are just going to treat them that way? It never makes sense to me. People can choose not to have a child. If they are going to despise parenthood so much, why do it?
I’m so sorry OP and all those who have had rubbish childhoods because of parental abuse.

I've read alot of Gabor Mate recently. I now really do believe there's a lot of truth in the origin of many health problems coming from trauma, childhood dysfunction especially.

The best thing I watched was a piece where he said learning to say no can be the change in your life. Choose guilt over resentment every time. That's the best short piece of advice I've taken on board in a long time.

Resentment eats you up. Guilt won't because it's imposed upon us, usually in an unfair and toxic way during our childhood and is therefore not a true valid response of our own.

I have type 2 diabetes which my dr feels is stress induced and other painful (and permanent) health conditions. So tired all the time and feel guilty for being lazy.

All the negative feelings/behaviour on this thread. Plus drug addiction, suicide idealation and now chronic pain disorders.

Am having counselling now, but have to pay the upper rate due to household income over £30000, despite explaining how hard it will be to find and hide the expense.

I grew up in a toxic house. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive to us all- still is at the age of 34 emotions abusive to me and I’m trying to cut the cord and step away (easier said than done when my mum and my sister are still living there, I’m trying to find them somewhere else to live)
I feel now I’m a bit of people pleaser, scared of rejection. I also have awful anxiety which is crippling most days.
another thing I notice I do is if my partner is a bit quiet I automatically think it’s because of me and I’ve done something wrong

with my kids I’ve tried so hard to be the complete opposite, in some ways people would say I’ve spoilt them. I also never really heard I love you as a child… I’m constantly telling my children and my partner that I love them I sometimes worry it’s too much and I get on their nerves.

That's a pretty grim response from WA.

Seeing a therapist privately, a very wise older lady, for about 15 years has been the rock that enabled me to make big decisions and get out of horrible situations.

Your self esteem will be absolutely battered. If you can find escape somewhere,through private therapy, this could help you alot. Good ones will provide financial concessions.