AIBU to ground DS16 and take his phone over vaping?

There is literally a tonne of research available on addictive/health risk behaviours. You will be lucky to find a single study, anywhere in the world that suggests you will modify those behaviours with any degree of long term success through punishments. What you are suggesting will just isolate your son from you and drive his behaviours to become more secretive.

I also find it very odd that 16 year olds will tell tales on each other like your son's friends have. I'd bet anything they are all vaping too!

I would have been furious too OP. I think taking his phone for a limited period ie a week is quite acceptable to make him understand how serious it is. Is he a young 16? To get his phone back I'd make him research the harm vaping can cause him.

Yeah, but you could do that by talking about it. Explain that you're disappointed that he's risking his health. Or take away some of his privileges but by going straight to grounding and taking his phone away all you're doing is making sure he's more careful about keeping it a secret next time rather than being someone he comes to for advice or help.

Vaping really isn't seen as antisocial behaviour, certainly not by teens. If anything it creates a social circle as they all compare vapes and the flavours.

Personally I think its a bad thing as there isn't enough data on the long term effects on health. We all know that cigarettes are bad, but im not convinced that a vape is any better.

But...

He is 16, he could join the army, he can leave home if he wants to and there's nothing you can do about it. You really need to approach this differently. Grounding and phone removal, sneaking around checking up on him with his friends is absolutely crazy controlling behaviour.

My DD is 17 and whilst i’d be far from happy, she is a young adult now and no amount of grounding (which I never use anyway) is going to stop it. I’d just warn her of the dangers and advise her nicotine addiction is incredibly difficult to stop.

Does he fully understand (what's known about) the health implications, and also that it's anti-social behaviour? I'm not sure the vaping alone (although I assume he'd been previously forbidden to do it) merits a punishment versus just an investigation to find out why he does it and help him stop. It sounds like he also lied to you when you first asked about it, so I can understand wanting to impose consequences for that but for a 16yo maybe economic consequences would have more force and make more sense to him.

It's legal to vape at age 16, it's illegal to purchase a vape product. My local 6th form college has a vape shelter.

It’s legal to leave home at 16. Grounding a 16 year old is ridiculous, and unenforceable.

He’s 16, you can’t control his behaviour any more than you can stop him buying chips for lunch every day.

Your relationship needs to move to one of guidance and support rather than control. You can choose not to finance his habit, and be clear about your concerns, and not allow vaping at home. More than that and you’re setting yourself up for endless battles that you won’t win anyway.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Kids experiment.

My mum hit the roof when she found out I’d smoked a cigarette as a teenager. I was just curious - it didn’t mean I wanted to take it up! But she couldn’t let it drop; the she was absolutely hysterical and her punishments were so disproportionate I just got angry and upset, shut down and stopped listening to her. And started smoking in defiance of her 🤷♀️

We all want to guide our children, but sometimes they can be pushed so far they go the other way.

I’ve been through this with my now 15 year old DS.
I caught him with a vape last year and initially lost my shit!! I grounded him, phoned his dad, took his phone, everything I could think of.
Maybe a month or two later found out again punished him again.

It kept happening and eventually I valued my relationship with him over his vaping.
He is going to do it behind my back no matter what and I just couldn’t keep having the same arrangement with him over and over again, each time I feel like I was chipping away at our relationship more and more.

I don’t think much of his friends though if they could so easily throw him under the bus to his mum. I would’ve been furious if my friends had done that to me at that age! Where’s the loyalty

There are a few horror videos on YouTube about acute lung injury etc. I believe they're worth watching.

We also have the long term unknowns and I'd push on that.

He is 16. Make it clear you don’t agree with it and won’t tolerate it at home, but Im not sure what more you can do when he’s 16 if he’s out and about.

It's nice to see that you care enough OP. I was smoking with the family at 15; great 🤔.

I agree that you're going to struggle to control this. I would say to him that you accept you can't control his vaping choices. I'd ask if he feels addicted to it. If he wants to stop even. It has to be genuine and from a place of concern not punishment. Because you can't stop him starting up when he's out again.

I would restrict his access to money that I provided. I'd say that you can't be involved in financing this choice. He will therefore need a part time job.

I would offer to support him in any way with handling the addiction; if he's addicted and this is more than just a choice. I sense it might be more than choice. For example, are they all vaping together as a social thing?

Find out exactly why and then you can respond. If he decides to continue, you're limited as you can't keep him indoors forever at this age.

In less than 2 years he's going to be able to do what he wants outside the house irrespective of your opinion.

Make sure he understands the health impacts and what it will do to him. Then hope he is smart enough to make his own choices.

You’re going about this the wrong way. He’s not a little child - stop punishing him. Talk to him about the health consequences and explain your concerns. In a couple of years he’ll be an adult and you’ll have no control. Help him to make good decisions for himself and think about why he shouldn’t be doing it, instead of just telling him you don’t want him to and he must obey you.

My sons experimented at that age, it’s natural, it’s what young lads do. Their friends vaped and they were curious. I didn’t go off the deep end; they came to their own conclusions (with guidance and encouragement) that it wasn’t a smart decision to pick up the habit. Neither of them vape or smoke now - they’re in amazing shape, always at the gym and take their fitness, nutrition and health incredibly seriously! So help them make good choices, don’t punish them, would be my sincere advice.

It's not a hard time the OP is getting, though, it's the voices of experience. The boy is 16, and the issue has to be dealt with in that light. He has to be taught to make better choices going forward, given the level of autonomy he has now and is soon going to have. Treating him like a naughty ten year old will achieve nothing except to put his back up and make sure he doesn't listen in the future.

Grounding is such an archaic form of punishment

It is something that should be taken seriously, but hands up everyone who smoked occasionally as a teen ✋️.
Taking away his phone, contacting his friends and cutting him off during the holidays is ott. He is going to be starting 6th form or college presumably in September, so you've got to let go a little. Yes there do need to be consequences, maybe cut off money, make him get a job (or try), make him do extra chores?

I’d be equally upset OP. Can you sit down with him and explain why you’re so concerned… the health issues etc? Do you have any medical friends who could speak with him?

I think you’re getting a really hard time here. It’s illegal to vape under 18 and you have responsibility for him and his health.

You shouldn't punish him, you should be guiding and supporting him.
The consequence of taking his phone away doesn't even make any sense- it doesn't fit with vaping, which has nothing to do with phone use.
Talking about why you don't want him to vape and the possible health concerns would make more sense. The aim is for him to develop his own self awareness and ability to make sensible choices for the future.
He won't do that if he's being punished like he's a 10 year old.

I think he's been punished enough with his mum contacting his friends to ask about his vaping habits.

Jesus Christ.
How embarrassing.

I'd have been planning to emigrate to the moon if my mum did that to me at 16.

I would cut off his access to money as well.

A 16 yo vaping should be taken seriously.

I’m still curious how you contacted his friend
and they just said …. Yeah he does it with us? Or on his own.

as for how to handle… talk to him first. Talk about the consequences IF he carries on. You HAVE to give him a chance. How is he funding it?

I wouldn't be happy and we'd be having a serious discussion about it, but "I'm honestly enraged", OP? Really?

In two years he'll probably be off to Uni, able to do whatever he pleases. As a parent who's raised children all the way to adulthood, I'd advise keeping your powder dry for when you need it. If you go immediately to high doh when he's vaping, where have you got to go if he dabbles with drugs, or engages in seriously dangerous behaviour? Save your strongest reactions for these occasions, because otherwise when you get there, he just won't listen.

These are the years where he is separating from you before he launches out into the world, and in my experience they can be some of the toughest of all. If you can keep a calm head and provide a steady hand on the tiller it will really help.