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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you want to reconnect with cousins after this?

80 replies

eastendegal · 05/08/2025 11:16

At 16/17 I kind of went through a typical teenage phase drinking, boys etc and as result of this I was disowned by my cousins and older siblings.

They themselves would do everything I was doing but because they were older (in 20s and 30s) they had a massive issue with it.

Cut a long story short I had to leave home and went through homelessness etc but I found myself and met an amazing man who happened to be very wealthy and have been with him since I was 22, I’m now 33.

We have 2 kids together with a third on the way.

I only have contact with my parents.

My siblings and cousins have tried to reconnect with me over the years but I just can’t forgive them for how they treated me and how I suffered a lot of verbal abuse at their hands especially from my sister.

My parents visited over the weekend and we took pictures which my mum posted on social media and it again prompted a reaction from a cousin who wants to meet up.

Nobody was there for me (apart from my parents) when I really needed them and was alone but now all of a sudden they want to reconnect after all these years.

They could of asked my parents for my number earlier, (cousins didn’t even ask for my number it was only because our parents were going on holiday and my mum asked my cousin to text me so I know they landed ok).

I am not interested as I feel it’s too late.

AIBU?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
MumoftwoGirls11 · 12/08/2025 09:12

Not worth the hassle. They sound insistent and points to them not having changed their core aggressive/dominant nature. And you’re very right to protect your children from the wrong kind of people. That’s what a parent does. There’s plenty of good people in this world, why give time and headspace to bad ones?

Hopingtobeaparent · 07/08/2025 14:37

Hopingtobeaparent · 07/08/2025 14:32

This.

You could see what they’ve got to say, how they are, you don’t have to continue contact if you don’t want to.

They may not have know how to contact, if they even should, how you’d respond, etc.. obviously there’s their side here too, their own trauma from this too.

Ultimately your choice though.

Show quote history

Actually, upon reading ALL your updates, OP, you are probably best off without the contact.

Protect yourself.

Hopingtobeaparent · 07/08/2025 14:32

FriendIsAngry · 05/08/2025 11:27

Maybe. Maybe not.
Do you think they’re only interested because your husband is wealthy?

Is it possible that you are massively minimizing what you were up to as a teenager. As the mother of 16/17 year olds, the activities that would lead to them being homeless are not “typical teenage phase” at all. Are we talking about angry? uncontrollable? Criminal? disruptive? Violent?
That also suggests to me that perhaps you are unaware/don’t care about the impact this would have had on your sibling, and how horrific it must have been for them, and your parents.

You have obviously changed somewhat since that time, perhaps they have too? You can find out if you want, and if they haven’t no harm done.

This.

You could see what they’ve got to say, how they are, you don’t have to continue contact if you don’t want to.

They may not have know how to contact, if they even should, how you’d respond, etc.. obviously there’s their side here too, their own trauma from this too.

Ultimately your choice though.

Toooldtocare25 · 07/08/2025 11:43

Up to you , you could go and see if they apologise. However the likelihood is once they get back in they are likely to revert to the previous behaviour albeit maybe not in such a n obvious way. I would trust your instincts and shut it down.

Summerhut2025 · 06/08/2025 22:39

well done OP on keeping those people out of your life after everything they did to you, it can be hard when it’s family members but you did the right thing. They’re violent people don’t go any where near them and absolutely don’t let them in your children’s lives ever, no matter how much your parents ask you to. When your children get older ensure they don’t contact them and they know the reason why.
All you need to say to your parents is ‘they’re violent people I won’t ever let them in my life again’
if they keep bugging you, move and make sure they don’t find out where you are. Meet your parents at their home or mutual ground.

RosaMundi27 · 06/08/2025 22:39

I'm so glad things worked out well for you. Your family (except your parents) sound very abusive, there is no excuse for treating you the way they did. I would guard my happiness and have nothing to do with them. If you let them back into your life they could harm your marriage or your relationship with your children.
They'be already shown you what they think of you.

zaazaazoom · 06/08/2025 22:37

You've done so well at escaping from this life. I knew you would be Asian heritage from your OP.
Be strong. Stay away from them all. Abusive cunts. Break the cycle and teach your kids different. They will bring nothing good to you or your kids lives.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 06/08/2025 22:25

You owe them nothing, and frankly you owe it to yourself not to make yourself vulnerable to these awful people again. Being related is meaningless. They’ve treated you badly. You don’t have to justify it. Just carry on as you are and ignore all attempts to contact you. Don’t get drawn into any discussion with them about why you don’t want to be in touch, just just stay away. I’m glad to hear things are going better for you now.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 06/08/2025 22:17

OP, please don't invite them back into your life so they can continue the cycle with your own children in your previous role.

You don't need them, your children don't need them and even when you met them at that funeral, you felt no connection so you also don't want them in your life.

If you let them back in to your life, there will always be those many years of shared history between them that you weren't part of, so it will always be you (and your family) on the outside really.

Move on, be happy with your husband and children.
They are the people who love you.

SitOnHisFaceIfHeDiesHeDies · 06/08/2025 22:04

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 05/08/2025 11:22

Fuck ‘em.

Yep!

Goddessoftheearth · 06/08/2025 21:56

OP you absolutely do not need these people in your life. Stay strong and enjoy the love that surrounds you

Flamingoknees · 06/08/2025 20:32

Stay strong OP. I would not be letting these people back into my life, and certainly not into my children's lives.
If your parents try to pressure you to do so, be firm with them, and reduce contact with them too if they don't listen.

Stuffedpillow · 06/08/2025 20:21

No I'd leave it alone now. Don't open yourself up to more abuse.

Pessismistic · 06/08/2025 20:14

Hi Op no don’t go back they treated you like shit no point you meeting up you can’t forgive them or forget keep as you. don’t give them any time they don’t deserve it. You have a good life and your own family don’t let back them in. They had plenty of time to apologise and they didn’t. Don’t put your kids through that you got this far without them.

Original poster
eastendegal · 05/08/2025 21:30

The males were responsible for the physical violence.

The females were verbally and emotionally abusive especially my older sister.

I do minimise my parents role on this and people are absolutely right about that.

I haven’t forgiven them, I keep in low contact because of the years my dad had cancer and
was not in the best health,I do still care for them even though that wasn’t reciprocated when I needed them.
They have over the years attempted to make amends and tried to help me.

Because they weren’t the one hitting me and saying nasty things I direct my anger at the ones who did if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Overtheway · 05/08/2025 19:41

You're a far more forgiving person than me for choosing to have your parents in your life after they allowed your siblings and cousins to abuse you and throw you out of their house (being asleep is no excuse, they could have brought you home as soon as they found out and kicked your brother out instead if he was a danger to you. They failed you at a very young age).

I hope you're surrounded by people who love and care for you now, and that you never have to see any of their horrible faces again Flowers

ThatElatedTealMember · 05/08/2025 19:36

anytipswelcome · 05/08/2025 19:26

Did typing the first sentence of that post make you feel good about yourself? Because it makes you sound insufferable and unkind to anyone reading it.

Show quote history

So what?!

anytipswelcome · 05/08/2025 19:26

ThatElatedTealMember · 05/08/2025 18:19

You don't know the difference between of and have.

I knew you were South Asian from reading the first post - you should have stated that then for the others.

Your parents were involved in making you homeless, don't fall for the lie they were so scared of the others.

They could have given you money.

You were embarrassing your family - they hypocritically were doing the same things but probably in secret and were older.

You shouldn't even keep in touch with your parents, never mind asking us about your other abusive birth family members.

Did typing the first sentence of that post make you feel good about yourself? Because it makes you sound insufferable and unkind to anyone reading it.

Radiowaawaa · 05/08/2025 19:21

I’ve changed my mind about hearing them out and hearing what they have to say after your more recent posts.

You are doing absolutely the right thing by protecting yourself and your children.

I’m guessing all of the siblings and cousins are male?

CarpetKnees · 05/08/2025 18:42

Your 2nd post and the one at 15.05 paint a very different story from your opening post, which people will still answer without reading the rest.

However, I agree with others about you minimising your parents' role in all of this. It is a parents role and responsibility to make sure their children are safe, are housed, and are looked after, not siblings or cousins.
Your parents didn't do this, and yet you see them and don't seem to hold them responsible in any way.

ThatElatedTealMember · 05/08/2025 18:19

You don't know the difference between of and have.

I knew you were South Asian from reading the first post - you should have stated that then for the others.

Your parents were involved in making you homeless, don't fall for the lie they were so scared of the others.

They could have given you money.

You were embarrassing your family - they hypocritically were doing the same things but probably in secret and were older.

You shouldn't even keep in touch with your parents, never mind asking us about your other abusive birth family members.

Radiatorsa · 05/08/2025 18:11

Your parents haven't changed OP.
They didn't protect you and are not to be trusted.
Focus on your family that you have built and leave your siblings in the past.
Low contact with your parents is wise.
Consider therapy to make sense of this awful trauma you have suffered and carry.

Original poster
eastendegal · 05/08/2025 17:45

My parents are people pleasers and are not the kind of people to stand up to anyone.

Whilst all this was going on they were upstairs sleeping and even afterwards they didn’t ask me to come home as they were too scared of my older brothers and feared for my safety as it was getting pretty bad with the violence.

In a way my parents have taught me how NOT to be with my own kids, I will always protect my kids and put them first.

I maintain low key contact with my parents as they were the only ones who weren’t horrible to me, they did try to stop the abuse I.e me being strangled.

Even now I refuse to have anything to do with my siblings despite them attempting to reconcile with me.

When my first child was born my siblings wanted to come with their for Christmas 3 weeks after I gave birth and when I told them bluntly that they were not welcome in my home or around my child my mum begged me to reconsider this as she said “Just in case you need help just be civil with them” like they don’t really grasp how strongly I feel and how much I have been scarred from what happened.
She tells me “to forget it and move on”.

I just feel too much has happened and the time when reconciling May of been an option has long gone.

I feel quite traumatised even thinking about it so I guess it would be even worse seeing them in their house.

OP posts:
Radiatorsa · 05/08/2025 17:43

anytipswelcome · 05/08/2025 16:27

I agree and would be very cautious about the level of unsupervised contact they had with my children.

Show quote history

Agree.
Your parents allowed you to be abused and scapegoated.
They are not decent people.

Tablesandchairs23 · 05/08/2025 17:36

You don't want or have to meet with them. Keep your peace and be happy.