My parents... don't... care?!

Yes, that's all perfectly normal, but this is MN remember.

@NebulouslyContemporaneous maybe a handwritten note, just to say that you want him to know how much you care, how proud of him you are, how sorry you feel that your anxiety means you might not have been able to show him that to the full extent that you feel it. No expectations to discuss, or to reply, or to mention it unless he wants to...etc. It's just a thought. A small, gentle, gesture can mean a lot.

Thanks again for sharing your insight and I'm sorry to hear how much you have been through.

The tiny house comment is factual. The other things you point out are just the honest truth. My father is the same, sits in front of the tv day in day out watching rubbish tv. It is utterly depressing but doesn’t mean to say I don’t live him to bits. Your comment was uncalled for.

I don't really understand the "out staying your welcome" comments. If you're going to have a kid then you need to consider the fact that they may not have the financial means to leave home as soon as they turn 18. Yes, some leave to go to uni, but theres a high chance they will have to come back home

She's not a girl, she's a grown woman.
Did you miss the tiny house and very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me??

There is no way my DC would post that about me.

This x 1000! I almost didn't have kids because I didn't have the best role models but I'm so glad I have my family. I'm trying to be the mum I wish I had every single day.

Maybe, since you've only been gone a few months, after 28 years sharing a tiny house, they just want to be sure that you can be independent of them. You do sound a bit needy, and aggrieved. You clearly don't like or respect your mum and have issues with your dad and don't approve of their lifestyle. I think the PhD you keep mentioning might have been for your self esteem and success, not theirs. Perhaps you should shut up about it now, and get on with making a go of your own life. Also, stop comparing with your friends. You have had things they haven't, like subsidised living to support a personal ambition. 28 years of it, and to come out complaining and sneering is not a good look.

I would find that stifling.

Aww @itsallabitmuchx that's really sad. I adore my adult dcs and spend as much time as possible with them. I wish I knew you I'd adopt you ❤️ I already have an extra son who's dm sounds much like yours. She has nothing to talk about. Although she does actually like her ds. He avoids her when home and comes to us. It's a shame really.

Yanbu at all.

Oh my!! So uncalled for. The poor girl just wants her parents to show a little interest and make some effort.

What a nasty thing to say and if you are a parent yourself, I hope you aren’t cold hearted towards them… because that is how your point of view has come across!

I thought everyone on Mumsnet firmly believed that once a child was 18, their parents were the spawn of the devil if they showed the merest interest in them. The simplest enquiries about work, boyfriends or holidays was enough to drive young adults into therapy and at the very least to go NC with their "controlling" parents.

Agree with all of this. Sounds like it's possible your mother never wanted to be a parent in the first place ( doesn't sound like she tried her hardest to provide for you, a bit lazy?) You didn't ask to be brought into the world.
You shouldn't bother contacting them, they'll only use you for care when they eventually need it. Time to focus hard on building your own life and new support networks. I'm sorry for how they are treating you.

My in-laws behaved like this with their children. Until grandchildren came along. It was very odd. They still didn’t make much effort. All you can do is make a life for yourself and maybe get some therapy. I wonder if they actually wanted children? Could you try a relationship with your dad if your mum is shutting it down. So you ask him to things separately?

This sounds awful but your update makes it hard to sympathise with you as you are so condescending about your mum, her life and her lack of education, it’s difficult to read for me and not start questioning how do you come across to your parents.

I agree with this - they may feel that you look down on them.

If I were you OP - I wouldn't ask them out to lunch, but meet them where they are. I would pop over with some lunch and join them in front of the TV, watch their shows and head home. And just see how that goes...

Discussing your goals, hobbies etc can be done with friends. Your parents do not have the emotional capacity to fulfil that role.

Like u say, they do the basics …

anything more is not their vibe

sounds really crap,

you won’t change them,
you can change your expectations of them -
don’t seek what they sadly won’t give u

very sad, what rubbish parents

I can’t really offer any advice but my parents are equally shit, they’re extremely self centred and I only really saw it once I left home. I only speak to them if I instigate it, they would quite happily spend the rest of their lives not leaving their house and watching Eastenders and Coronation Street if they could.

This is sad, not something to aspire to. All my family show an interest in each other, we know each other's friends and what we're upto. I was lucky enough to catch up yesterday with my dps and my dm's cousin and wife, then my sis and nephew, then a cousin with another cousin's dc, all separately. Gosh, I am actually really sad for people who's parents don't show any interest in them!

I'm sorry OP. It sounds tough.

Do you have loads of cousins? My mum died when I was in my early 20s and my relationship with my Dad was difficult. I have a cousin who understands the situation so can offload to her, which definitely helps.

But they don't want to visit or in any way be part of thier daughter's life? I find that so strange.

I'm sorry, OP. That sounds rough.

Looking for the silver lining, I guess at least you're free to make your own life without over-involved parents making you feel claustrophobic. That's no fun, either.

I expect if you have a child one day, they'll want back in. 🙄

Agree. They probably just need a break to be themselves. I can understand that.

So when they don't want to visit or in any way be involved in her life thats ok?

They probably want you to find your own way and life and are qctively being hands off to encourage this. Do you have a full life other than your work?

I'm grateful to my parents for bringing me up and for being my parents. They didn't get everything right - who does - but they did their best.
The least I can do is be grateful.

So am I. DD is a couple of hours away and is quite unwell. I can't actually do anything for her but I can't stop worrying.