My parents... don't... care?!

OP sounds like my sister, and my mum's take on my sister would have been something like this.

'We bonded easily with our other children but Milly was always different — difficult to connect with, quiet and needy. She rarely joined in with her siblings and didn't make friends easily. She came back to live with us after university and stayed for several years, which were hard going. We tried to talk to her and work out if she was depressed or needed professional help, but she didn't want to talk about it with us. We tiptoed around her, trying to encourage her to make an independent life for herself. It was something of a relief when she met Ryan, got married and left to make her own home. When they split up she assumed it would be okay to move back in with us but we had to say no, which she has interpreted as us not loving her. It's not that we don't love her. We do. But she is difficult to be around. Touchy, judgmental, angry with us and unable to tolerate different points of view. We tried over the years to help her, but nothing we could say or do was ever right. It's been a source of great sadness for many years.'

My sister was diagnosed with autism a couple of years after my parents died. It explained a lot, but it hasn't made it any easier to get along with her.

So you lived off them to better your own life and that they FINALLY have space back you still co-depend on them to fill your relationship voids. That factually is 'needy' and comparing yourself to others will make you miserable.

Your parents not having 4 takeaways with you (so you have expected it almost once per month in the short time you have been gone, in the 20 years since I left home I have never once expected us to get together for takeaways) is nothing to do with a mother helping organize a wedding, not remotely comparable scenarios.

You got a place of your own... great first step (very late in life but better than never). Now get a partner, friends, a pets, a life... anything just stop expecting your parents to fulfill it all. They have been carrying you well into adulthood (while you look down on everything about them and resent them) now they need and DESERVE their own space and life back.

Growing up means moving on, good relationships won't form when your clingy, expectant, jealous and demanding (especially if your also frankly quite shitty to them, just look at how you talk. Do you think they don't know you think your better than them? yet they still carried you through your self betterment which you wouldn't have managed without their sacrifices).

Maybe you could attempt to get to know your Aunties? They might be able to help you understand the lack of relationship between your family members.

It's nice to see that the majority of posters are being supportive and understanding of OP.
I can only assume the few nasty people at the start of this tread are either oblivious to the reality of having uninterested parents or they are the uninterested parents themselves.

Its interesting a couple of people have mentioned not having clothes bought. This was a big issue in my childhood, I remember my sister and I once had to sit my mum down as teenagers to say you are literally buying us no clothes at all, no knickers, bras, school shoes etc. Her response was that we have pocket money, we got £2 a week and a lot of that I had to use to but tampons because she wouldn't buy them either.
She once bought us 2 new dresses to share and I remember to this day how exciting and unusual that was, it makes me very sad these days to realise how shit it was and how I didn't have a clue it wasn't the norm :(

YANBU to feel rejected OP, however, you may need counselling to deal with your feelings of rejection because it doesn't sound like your parents (your 'D'M in particular) will ever change. One day, when they're elderly and in need of support and come to you for it, you can enjoy the schadenfreude of being able to say "Oh Mum, you're so needy!" - and then walk away.

I agree with this. I don't think your parentas are "shit", as you say, at all. Unless there’s more ti what you've written.
They are probably enjoying their house to themselves now, and you need to live your own life!

Possibly she feels you have rejected her, by choosing a life so different from hers she cannot connect with it - you want something she was never going to be able to provide

OP, I am really sorry you feel unloved by your parents.
Your mum sounds as if she could be suffering from depression, and maybe always has been, it must have been a lonely childhood for you.
Seeing your friends with their mums, and having such different experiences to you, must hurt.

Sadly, you can't change who people are. I had a lovely mum, sadly passed, who loved me unconditionally, and a father, who walked out when I was 5 years old, and never once came back to visit.

I suppose it's the luck of the draw, to have two uncaring parents is doubly hard for you. They probably do care, just not in the way you would like them too.

Try to get on with your own life, which sounds good, concentrate on your friends, your job, and most importantly, yourself. x

I think people of a certain generation sometimes had children because it was what you did, rather than because they thought about other options. That sounds like your parents.

Just because people are parents doesn't make them nice or good people. OP you sound lovely, parents sound useless. They aren't giving you what you need because either they can't, or they aren't interested or they are bemused by you. It's hard but you won't change them and although it's a cliche, all you can change is your response. Some counselling may help, so to may thinking of f**k you in your head.

OP you've had some good replies here. Some are just crap. Like yours @NoTouch "they did their best" - how would you know? It certainly doesn't sound it to me! It sounds like her mum in particular is lazy, insular, emotionally cold and feels threatened by her daughter's achievements and aspirations. To view and treat your child, your only child, as a burden to the extent that it is completely obvious to the child is terrible.

And replies saying that their parents were the same and it is normal for that generation...a generation contains lots of different people (I would have thought this was obvious!) and some of them are not good people. I would be gutted to have this experience of parents OP even though my experience was bad in different ways, this just sounds heartbreakingly lonely and full of rejection. I'm so sorry.

You have achieved a great thing now, you've moved out independently and got a PhD, so now the world is your oyster. It probably doesn't feel like it yet and some talking therapy might be helpful with this. Congratulations on your academic achievements and on your new home. I hope you come to realise that it's them, not you.

This is so sad and I relate re parents who aren't interested. It's exhausting to be the one doing all the running. I've lived in my house for 10 years and I can count on one hand how many times my mum has been here, and only ever when she could come with a sibling. It's hurtful to keep trying and being stonewalled. Some parents are like this unfortunately.

It sounds like your mum has her own resentments too, not towards you but towards life.

There are really not, or certainly not in a way that would impede understanding or comprehension. A few typos but understandable with autocorrect or similar, I do the same on screen as a lawyer and author and cringe when I read back my errors. Plus, it's a post on social media asking for help, not her thesis. If you want to post about typos please go to Pedants Corner.

That's a fucking horrible thing to say

What relationship do you have with your own parents/children

I'm nice enough to call out someone dissing their parents.

Surely there is a middle ground there somewhere. You can be thankful your parents aren’t interfering but still be sad they are totally disinterested?

OP you could try some self-help books. Like this:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=ZCHH3KJ04EIO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.XR8TJ2P9ticsGv9fmsPov0iLpGg7UETLm1WCn00hs2aKCbZq9cysbX7v0hKUpUwg5Ewq5TeJyykn_oxOLrqUZVmlF6WoBcGW3sBzJAEPKCZ1vxH7b82BYKCdjdH8O8KaMi-dZWxJKev3HTl4xqn42ikkk7-YdwHrCYioYJ8pKgtdI1k1GwhVS-b1X-TEmN4MlFjyM3usTTu_JrkSt8ZKRw.aGfipkPWpampSeIALeWz4n3YgdA4DVbJQr-sq0Hush8&dib_tag=se&keywords=adult+children+of+emotionally+immature+parents&qid=1754392790&sprefix=emptionally+jnmature+pare%2Caps%2C134&sr=8-1

some of the parents on this thread might benefit from a read too.

Ageist and misogynistic.

It’s really sad how many people have so little sympathy for op. I lived with my parents for longer than this and it didn’t make them drop me when I’d moved out! They told me they missed me!

Um. This is how forums work

We deal with what's in front of us

I’m so sorry your parents are crap. It sounds like you need to let go of the unrealistic expectations you have. I’d explore counselling. You’ve achieved so much(despite them) you should be really proud of yourself. Focus on the good relationships you have in your life and try to let this one go. It’s like grief. It sounds so hard but you will be happier. They’re not going to be the parents you want 😢

OP, sorry you have parents like this. I do too.
Your upbringing sounds the same as mine, very little warmth emotionally, very few clothes even though they could afford it etc.
I was kicked out at 20 just because my Mum didn't want me living there anymore, no arguments or anything, she just didn't want me or my sister there. She was/is an alcoholic so just wanted peace to drink. Dad worked away a lot.

She is now sober and working very part time but doesn't phone or aything, we live 10 mins away. I gave up phoning her as she wasn't interested in my life. I ran my first marathon (London), they never wished me good luck or spoke about it afterwards, not even to ask how I did. Now I have a daughter and they are not interested in her either.

It's hard to move on and just get on with my life but it's very hard.

My DD lives 70 miles away from us, but we're in touch at least 3 times a week, videoing on Fb Messenger. We don't always have a lot of news from our end, but always want to hear what she and our DSIL is up to, and how our teenage DGS is getting on, just everyday things really, but we all love to keep in touch, even if it's online.

It's such a shame for you that they don't seem that interested. I'd feel so hurt if that were us, we are so lucky we've always had a good relationship.

I made this mistake too Agapornis. The op is only child, I am informed dds refers to direct debits

It’s obvious that the OP has never felt loved or cared-for. This isn’t just about professional degrees or money. You have to read between the lines and see the pain and sense of rejection there.