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AIBU?

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Original poster

My parents... don't... care?!

471 replies

itsallabitmuchx · 05/08/2025 10:12

I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

Sine then, I literally haven't heard off them. At all. Any communication is instigated by me (I will call them) - they ask no questions beyond 'how's work?' and no follow up questions or responses when I reply, just a generic 'oh.. there we are then'. I only moved 20 minutes away and they haven't once come to see me where I am. They haven't even seen the house I have been living in and have no desire to. I've invited them for dinner / takeaway night here 4 times, and they've always declined. I've brought this up with my mum who's only response is 'wow.. you're so needy.. you're an adult... why do you want your parents?'.

Basically it seems they have completed washed their hands with me as in they feel I am old enough that they no longer need to care about me nor be involved in my life. They literally haven't a clue what I do with my time, who is in my life, what my likes dislikes are etc and hopes for the future.

This really gets to me. I have times where I feel I have accepted who they are (very hands off, pretty limited with their viewpoints etc and very stuck in their depressing ways - sit and watch mind numbing TV all day and night - you get me?). Then I suddenly get really upset and angry at it. Went to a BBQ on weekend where girl similar age talking baout how her mum has bene helping her find wedding venues etc and theyre all excited for her (as they should be)... these things are relaisisations I will never have that because my parents are just... shit. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated also (being an only child doesn't help with this either).

AIBU?!

A disappointed and rejected daughter :(

OP posts:
VegemiteOnToast · 05/08/2025 14:02

its5oclocksomewheresurely · 05/08/2025 13:43

My parents were always interested in my life. It's been an eye opener to observe my DH's family - his parents do not care AT ALL. If we didn't go to see them, we would never hear from them again. When we do see them, all they talk about is themselves. If you tell them something about yourself (even BIG news), they stare at you and you can almost hear the cogs in their brains turning, about how they can make this piece of news about themselves. We told them recently that our son would be getting married (big news) and that the wedding would be abroad. FIL stared at us silently for about a minute, and then told us a story about the time he was in that country, about 10 years ago. No questions or comments about our son. Utterly baffling. And very boring.

My in-laws are like that too. Never ask about the kids, never congratulate DH on anything, just tell lots of long stories about themselves and people we have never met.

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 14:01

spoonbillstretford · 05/08/2025 12:24

There are really not, or certainly not in a way that would impede understanding or comprehension. A few typos but understandable with autocorrect or similar, I do the same on screen as a lawyer and author and cringe when I read back my errors. Plus, it's a post on social media asking for help, not her thesis. If you want to post about typos please go to Pedants Corner.

Show quote history

@spoonbillstretford , OP thinks she is better than her mother because her mother doesn't work and didn't do well academically. I only picked up on it because OP comes across as seeming to think she is better than her parents.

VegemiteOnToast · 05/08/2025 14:00

NoTouch · 05/08/2025 12:10

You don't like you parents much do you?

No mention or credit for what they did provide for you, no understanding of how difficult it must have been to raise a child and support as an adult through to age 28 on a single low paid job. No empathy of them as individuals who have their own struggles and challenges and living a life of their own that may not have turned out as they expected or hoped.

You hold resentment about a £10 top still after all these years? Do you not realise as an adult now how they were running a household on a single low wage and how much they must have struggled?

At some point it needs to stop being about what they did or didn't do - and becomes about you choosing to grow up and see things with a bit more perspective, consider the broader context and what they were dealing with- financial stress, emotion limitations. Have a more balanced view - they were not perfect, but also human and doing what they could. That's the mature way to look at it.

So much of your posts remind me of my parents, but I don't resent them at all for it. I know they were flawed humans, like all of us, I know they were young once with energy, hopes and dreams, but life wore them down, and they did the best they could.

I think it's reasonable to be resentful if your family always struggled with money and one parent refused to get a job (but didn't throw themselves into creating a nurturing environment at home, either by the sounds).

LadySuzanne · 05/08/2025 14:00

"I am an only child (28f) and moved out of my parents' tiny house about 6 months ago (I was completing a PHD for 3 years and had 0 money for rent so I lived with them for the duration of this time - paid rent with them but a little amount compared to market value rent).

What is the relevance of the size of your parents' house on your past and current relationship with them?

Henbags · 05/08/2025 13:59

SoloSofa24 · 05/08/2025 10:17

Is it possible they are just relieved to finally have their tiny house to themselves, and for their adult offspring to have fledged the nest about 10 years later than they might have expected?

Give it a while longer and they might start missing you a bit more.

Edited to add: it sound like you don't really like them very much, though, so the distance might suit both sides?

Edited

What a shitty response. It’s bloody hard to afford move out these days.

Thanksman · 05/08/2025 13:58

SingedElbow · 05/08/2025 13:55

Agreed. I grew up in poverty, with both parents from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds — both lost one parent young, and the surviving parent struggled. They both left school at 13 because they were both eldest children and their wages were needed. Despite them pressuring me to leave school early, I got myself to university on scholarships, and funded my way through to a PhD on scholarships, PT jobs, living in squats etc.

One difference is that I left home at 18 and because I have so many younger siblings, I was on the sofa when I came back for a visit, and because that’s what my parents understand as a normal endpoint to hands-on, ‘providing a roof’ parenting.

I think they’re sad at the way I turned out (highly-educated, professional job, one child by choice), because they’d have preferred a daughter who was more like them, and whom they understood. But I have to be the adult in this situation. They have very limited life experience, actively reject anything new, and in many ways never grew up. I’m the adult. I manage the relationship as best I can, on a surface level. They have no idea to this day that they were appalling, neglectful parents, because in their eyes, all that parenting involves is a roof and basic clothes and food till you leave school.

In shoes, I would find a therapist to explore your feelings, and not expect your parents to be people they’re not.

Show quote history

Another really great post; such understanding.

99bottlesofkombucha · 05/08/2025 13:57

AntisocialMedium · 05/08/2025 11:22

I'm really nice, and my DC are too.
My parents did their best for me and my siblings, and I am grateful to them.
I don't look down my nose at tem.

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Are you nice? You’ve taken a few lines posted from a woman who is hurting and said that she’s snobby and superior. Maybe you’re nice in real life?

ChiliFiend · 05/08/2025 13:57

My parents were/are a lot like this (one is now dead). I used to say I was "out of sight, out of mind" to them, and it really hurt my feelings when I could see my friends' parents being so involved in their lives. They were also incredulous when I raised it, like yours (making a similar comment re neediness). I'm now in my 40s and realised a long time ago that it's not about loving me, but just about how they communicate. They didn't feel the need to keep in touch in the way that I do. Reaching acceptance about it has brought me peace.

SingedElbow · 05/08/2025 13:55

ClawsandEffect · 05/08/2025 13:21

A lot of your answers are in your post though @itsallabitmuchx

1 they didn't have the money

2 I had to ask for weeks for £10 to get a new top (I had barely anything growing up and was embarrassed by this).

3 She doesn't understand why I would ever pay for a gym membership (waste of money) - when I go 5 times a week

4 paid rent but a little amount

They were/are poor! As poor, working class, uneducated people, while they could well be very proud of you, they have spent almost 30 years supporting you. Probably at least 10 years more (as uneducated, working class people) than they expected to. They probably expected you to leave school at 16 and go into work. You've also admitted yourself they had a tiny house, meaning they couldn't afford more.

I think possibly your expectations (financially and in practical terms) have exceeded what your parents expected to provide. And now they want a bit of space to finally be able to enjoy some retirement time.

IF your mum were so inclined to post here, she would probably write a very different account of this situation.

Agreed. I grew up in poverty, with both parents from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds — both lost one parent young, and the surviving parent struggled. They both left school at 13 because they were both eldest children and their wages were needed. Despite them pressuring me to leave school early, I got myself to university on scholarships, and funded my way through to a PhD on scholarships, PT jobs, living in squats etc.

One difference is that I left home at 18 and because I have so many younger siblings, I was on the sofa when I came back for a visit, and because that’s what my parents understand as a normal endpoint to hands-on, ‘providing a roof’ parenting.

I think they’re sad at the way I turned out (highly-educated, professional job, one child by choice), because they’d have preferred a daughter who was more like them, and whom they understood. But I have to be the adult in this situation. They have very limited life experience, actively reject anything new, and in many ways never grew up. I’m the adult. I manage the relationship as best I can, on a surface level. They have no idea to this day that they were appalling, neglectful parents, because in their eyes, all that parenting involves is a roof and basic clothes and food till you leave school.

In shoes, I would find a therapist to explore your feelings, and not expect your parents to be people they’re not.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/08/2025 13:55

This is sad OP. I've got DDs in their mid 20s and I just can't comprehend not being interested in their lives.

My mum could be a bit cold, but not on that level. You need to try and detach a bit and focus on the people in your life who bring you joy and happiness.

Thanksman · 05/08/2025 13:48

LaundrySpin · 05/08/2025 11:54

OP I was going to congratulate you for your PhD but now I feel even more moved to do so. Well done!! What an achievement.

There are the usual try-hard contrary comments on here. Of course it’s normal to be interested in your adult children. My kids are early 20s and I don’t have a single friend who isn’t really interested in their adult child’s life. Not in a micromanaging way, but a genuine loving and interested way.

Wanting your kids to move out of your home is fine, I feel the same way at times too. but when they eventually move out, I will be really interested in their lives. I know I will want to hear about their childhood friends, how they are coping in their new jobs, what their flatmates are like etc. I am really close to my kids and I’m sure they will pop over to see me and I will visit them. We will keep in touch via WhatsApp and hope to always be a close part of their lives.

I don’t recognise this kind of parenting I read about here. Where it’s fine for your kids to move out and then to become like virtual strangers. I’m glad that’s not my experience!

Anyway OP, you can’t choose your parents. I am not close to my parents. I don’t tell them anything about my life, I see them out of duty but we have dull conversations about the weather and politics. I don’t think your parents will change. I am in my 50s and mine never did. Well, it’s their loss and I now have the opposite relationship with my children, which is kind of healing actually. My parents have missed out on a rich relationship with their adult kids. I won’t make the same mistake, and I am sure you won’t either. It is hurtful and I am sorry x

Lovely post.

🌸🌸 for you OP.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 05/08/2025 13:48

Yanbu to feel upset and letdown, you're not to old for a bit of your mother's attention, while she's breathing.
Hopefully things improve.

CoralOP · 05/08/2025 13:47

its5oclocksomewheresurely · 05/08/2025 13:43

My parents were always interested in my life. It's been an eye opener to observe my DH's family - his parents do not care AT ALL. If we didn't go to see them, we would never hear from them again. When we do see them, all they talk about is themselves. If you tell them something about yourself (even BIG news), they stare at you and you can almost hear the cogs in their brains turning, about how they can make this piece of news about themselves. We told them recently that our son would be getting married (big news) and that the wedding would be abroad. FIL stared at us silently for about a minute, and then told us a story about the time he was in that country, about 10 years ago. No questions or comments about our son. Utterly baffling. And very boring.

Same for me but the other way around, my family didn't care and inlaws are warm, friendly, caring . I found it a bit much at first but now it's a blessing . Just shows how different people family lives can be x

Fen476 · 05/08/2025 13:46

My mum's the same OP. At 18 she wanted me to be grown up and gone - it was like she thought she'd done her bit, tbf she lost interest as soon as I started having my own opinions. 30 years later she only phones me if she wants me to do something for her. When I would tell her I had something big happening she'd quickly get in, 'you wouldn't want your mum there.' My dad was worse though, completely disinterested.

I was always envious of my friends growing up and in my 20's whose parents really showed how much they loved and cared for them. The best thing you can do though is accept that that's how they are and that nothing you can do will change it.

Blondiney · 05/08/2025 13:46

My parents were exactly the same when I left home and moved to a big city at 25. They never once rang to check in or see if everything was ok, so incredibly cold and hurtful.

I ended up going no contact with them in my 40s, mum has only just realised and has started to initiate contact via the odd text message. I'm 50 and so over it. I deserved better and so do you.

AnaMRT · 05/08/2025 13:45

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think some therapy will help while slowly building a social circle of friendships. Make friends with kind and supportive people that will value you. Join a couple of clubs you might be interested in for hobbies where you can meet like minded people. With time you’ll hopefully meet some lovely people that will enrich your life. Meeting my partner and having children has really opened my eyes. It’s better that you know now and build a full filling life. When you are ready hopefully you can meet a partner that’s caring and supportive and if you chose and are able to have children you can make that change and be there for them. You can love them unconditionally and actually care enough about them to want to maintain a friendship with them as well.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 05/08/2025 13:43

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 05/08/2025 12:58

What’s the point in having a kid and what’s the point in being family with attitudes like that?

Show quote history

It seems a rational, adult attitude.

its5oclocksomewheresurely · 05/08/2025 13:43

My parents were always interested in my life. It's been an eye opener to observe my DH's family - his parents do not care AT ALL. If we didn't go to see them, we would never hear from them again. When we do see them, all they talk about is themselves. If you tell them something about yourself (even BIG news), they stare at you and you can almost hear the cogs in their brains turning, about how they can make this piece of news about themselves. We told them recently that our son would be getting married (big news) and that the wedding would be abroad. FIL stared at us silently for about a minute, and then told us a story about the time he was in that country, about 10 years ago. No questions or comments about our son. Utterly baffling. And very boring.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 05/08/2025 13:42

Terrribletwos · 05/08/2025 13:04

Wow! That was not my interpretation at all! Fascinating to read how others view @itsallabitmuchx post.

I rather looked at it that op was giving context to her upbringing in that her parents were always quite emotionally distant and continue to be. She doesn't say she's expecting them to fulfill an emotional need (she never had this anyway) but she was maybe (naively) expecting them to change and want to at least visit or some sort of involvement in her life...like most parents would do.

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housethatbuiltme's take is mine too.

TorroFerney · 05/08/2025 13:40

Op it sounds awful I’m sorry. You probably know this but it’s not anything wrong with you they just don’t have the capacity to be the parent you need.

have you tried some reading about the subject, may help- children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson or there are loads more.

i sympathise. My mum has dropped me completely since I’m not running around after her, I was the good/mature only child. My daughter gets upset as she can’t understand why grandma shows no interest , it’s hard to explain to a child that it’s not them and hard to accept as an adult.

Nothingbutstress · 05/08/2025 13:40

Well done on making something of yourself OP! I’m sorry that your parents are not loving and kind, it baffles me when people treat their children like this. Be kind to yourself and focus on ways to enrich your own life without needing them. Being distant with them is probably the easiest way to detach yourself emotionally.

Hm17 · 05/08/2025 13:37

autienotnaughty · 05/08/2025 13:31

I’d get some counselling to help you move on they are not going to change.

id ring them once a month for 5 minutes to check in and leave it at that.

focus on your other relationships and take company/respect/love from those.

Why should she ring them?
They've called her needy, so they can bloody well ring her!

Pigriver · 05/08/2025 13:36

I get you. My parents are similar (but I moved out at 19) and I beat myself up about if sor most of my 20's.
I thought it would improve when I got married but mum didn't even want to come dress shopping, on the day she looked me up and and down and said the dress was 'nice'.
I thought it would improve once I had kids but we still only see them a few times a year with minimal contact in between.
Now in my 40's I've come to terms with it. They made me and raised me and now it's my turn to look after myself and my family.

MistressThere · 05/08/2025 13:34

Oh I’m so sorry to read this OP, I do hear about parents like this, I don’t get it but it’s on them and not you. Where are you based? I’m 41 with two little girls of my own and feel sad your parents are like this.

autienotnaughty · 05/08/2025 13:31

I’d get some counselling to help you move on they are not going to change.

id ring them once a month for 5 minutes to check in and leave it at that.

focus on your other relationships and take company/respect/love from those.