To pick my daughter up from holiday camp 150 odd miles away

I did go on a few year 6 residentials when I was a school welfare officer.

Like I said upthread, school residentials are totally different.

The children are with teachers they know and trust, the teachers know them. They are with the same group of friends they are with day in, day out. They all knew me as I was the “school nurse” to them. They Would come to me in school if they were upset, school trips no different. You always had some who were homesick in the evenings, but we would sit and chat, they would talk about their worries as they knew me well, I would often make them laugh and they would be okay and happy in the end. Their friends would jolly them along. Lost parents wrote letters for children to take, which was always such a comfort to them.

We made it clear to parents that if a child was very upset, we would call them. I never had to through, they were always okay after a few mins, and it was usually as they were tired or hungry. I always had a stash of sweets to cheer them up, share with their mates.

As for bullying, well, they were in their class groups. The school I worked at was good with those situations, we didn’t have any real issues. Children were grouped into their frienship
groups, we knew them so we knew what worked.

The children who really would have struggled didn’t go. They would stay at school for the week and go on little day trips and have activity days instead - the parents always made the right call with that, there were some who would really have struggled with 5 days away from home, and that’s okay!

my children have always gone on school trips, but not camps, although the two older ones did DofE, (although one dropped out after own trip as he though it was pointless and boring, which was fair enough).

That's what I thought. This poster has form for getting the wrong end of the stick though.

I was that girl once, my Dad came and got me and I've never forgotten it.

This is reminding me of a trip my DS did at the end of Year 8 - on day 3 he sent me a message saying 'remind me to murder you when I get back for suggesting this'. Soon after, he went quiet - because he was having a good time... he now reckons younger brother should go and would enjoy it as well.
I think it's incredibly hard to know when someone needs rescuing, and when they need encouraging to stick at things. The balance was always towards sticking it out, and that definitely is NOT always the right thing to do. But jumping in to rescue has other risks.

Sounds like you're doing all the weighing up and thinking - I hope you come to a decision that feels right to you all.

I'd like to see the opinions of volunteers and teachers who've been on residential trips and have many years of dealing with unhappy children.

To be clear, I am differentiating between homesickness and bullying etc.

Volunteers are expected to be competent and professional. And I would hope that they're trained, vetted and certified as up to it.

So I think you speak to a volunteer exactly as you'd speak to a paid professional.

What would you prefer her to have said?

"Look - I know you're a volunteer and therefore probably useless, but my kid is unhappy because he's being bullied. I mean, I don't expect you to do anything about it - what with being a volunteer and everything - but can you put me through to someone who knows what they're doing - there's a love."

Is that a better way to speak to a volunteer? If, indeed,. the person in question was a volunteer at all.

The daughter was 12 when OP started this thread at 07:49.

I'm constantly amazed how so many people can't take in the simplest details!

Crikey what a way to speak to a volunteer. I bet the leader was very happy to see the back of you both

I don’t get it either.

I recently had a job I immediately disliked and regretted taking. Did I stick it out, put up with the rough stuff to build resilience? Did I fuck. I started applying for other jobs immediately and left after 6 weeks.

I wasn’t putting up with being miserable for anything. It’s not character building, or a show of strength, it’s a waste of an already short life. There’s no medals for sticking out things that make you unhappy and there’s nothing wrong with giving children the confidence to think that.

If she is being snubbed or bullied and thus isolated then please go get her. This can be very traumatising for a child and the advice of "she will be fine" is what causes children to disconect and adopt all sorts of strategies that then in adulthood are very life constricting. She needs to feel she is loved and her needs matter. If she is unreasonable then you can explore with her but not by leaving her there so she feels abandoned. Kids can be very mean and that can leave scars for a lifetime. Trust your mom's instincts

It doesn’t just work like this. People need different time and situations to grow depending on so many factors. In my case my mum did me a bit of a disservice by always being there for me, not leaving me with other people or babysitters, so it was too much for me to suddenly go away on a weeks camp. I managed a few days but I had no good friendship circle there, I was ill which made me weak and miserable and I just needed to go home.

I still feel a reaction inside me when I think back on it, that’s how bad it was. Leaving me the extra night or two wouldn’t have done a single positive thing for me whatsoever. Throwing in at the deep end is not always the solution.

I’m now a perfectly normal adult, who has travelled extensively, flew halfway round the world on my own in my very early 20’s, lived on my own for work at the other end of the country etc.

Don’t make kids suffer just because you have some whacked out idea about “growth”. They won’t necessarily thank you for it, let them learn at their own pace and know their parents are there to support them.

Apparently being miserable is CharacterBuilding.

I never understand why being happy isn't considered character building.

I suppose it depends what sort of character you want built. If it's a resentful, unconfident, cautious, repressed character, then - yeah - loneliness and misery are probably the bricks and mortar you want for that.

I agree with PP's and would go and get her. 12 is too young to be making her endure emotional harship and your DH is emotionally dim.

I'd give it at least another day, she's pretty much just got there. And I'd contact the adults to see if they can help first.

IMO you're doing exactly the right thing OP. Taking a measured response to the situation and trying hard, through the emotional flurry, to see the bigger picture.

Showing your love and responsibility for DD by hearing her distress, finding ways to help her deal with it, enlisting the help of the adults around her - and if all that fails, having a plan B to helicopter her out of there.

Please be reassured you've done the right thing by DD. She's lucky to have such a caring, sensible mum (even if she won't realise it for many years!)

If she wants to come home, go and get her. I was this kid once.

I went on guide camp and a lot of the girls had little cliques, and one of them was the leaders daughter, so she had a superiority complex and wasn’t very nice. Of course, I was in her tent and whenever she was around she had to be centre of everything.

I wasn’t used to being away from home or away from my mum, and I also came out in chicken pox!!

I HATED it and would ring my mum crying from the phone box. As soon as I knew she was coming for me I felt so much lighter and happier and enjoyed the last activity I did before going home.

The vile leader actually said to me “if you want to go home you should really just go now, not pick and choose to stay for the last activity” 😲😲

My mum was furious! I was only a little kid so I didn’t really understand, but my mum had PAID for me to attend the camp, so I was perfectly entitled to stay and do the activity then leave that evening.

Just a rotten, horrible guide group.

Go and get her. It's supposed to be fun. If it isn't fun, what's the point?

I can see why most school trips (I know this isn't one) don't allow contact home at all.
I would speak to group leaders and support her that way. I wouldn't collect unless pre-existing reasons or she describes something worse than she has.

Go and get her

Good plan. I don’t think you need to be especially gentle with the organisers - you’re paying them for a service so they need to provide it.

Along with just getting on with challenging situation, it’s important to learn that once something is paid for it needs to be seen through, you’re not spaffing money away because she changes her mind.

DD is older but in the run up to an overseas school trip she fell out with one of the other girls and really didn’t want to go. Too bad, because we’ve paid for it (and had also paid to go away ourselves at the same time). By the time the trip came around they’d made up and she had a great time. But I’m not wasting the £400 the trip cost, plus the cost of our holiday, because she’s fallen out with someone.

I'd absolutely pick her up. I'd do the same for a residential as well, other than asking them to wait until morning if it was late at night (assuming they weren't in danger).

Yes, kids need to learn resilience. But I also want my children not to grownup thinking they have to stay in situations where they feel uncomfortable, unhappy or unsafe, especially when tbeyre supposed to be having fun. Im 40, and earlier this year was on a trip where I felt miserable and uncomfortable. I didn't 'need' to be there, and put myself through many hours of feeling uncomfortable and wishing I was anywhere but there before saying 'fuck it' and leaving. Someone else on the trip feeling the same held out to the end and it has destroyed her confidence.

Nope. For a camp that is supposed to be something fun, if someone isn't enjoying it, id be picking them up at the first opportunity. Plenty of other times to learn 'resilience'.

I've got four children, and they're all confident, independent and where it matters, 'resilient' kids.

Bullying is traumatic and can lead to lifelong mental health problems like PTSD (sorry, just realised you work in mental health so you already know this!) I've had to spend so much money on therapy over my life to recover from abuse and bullying both in my family of origin and at school.

If it was me i would already be on my way. Though my 12 year old has autism so its a regular occurence I have to collect him early. My other DS would also be collected but would have a chat in person 1st to make sure he definately couldnt stay.

Yes,she's only 12,go and get her.

She's 12 not 7.
I would tell her to stay a few more days and then we would revaluate.

I would speak to teachers to see if there was any issues and then make a decision based on what they say.

I would not go at first sign of any issue (unless it was serious or medical of course)
She is in a safe environment where she maybe feeling emotionally challenged for the first time and these are new and big feelings. Learning how this feels and that you can cope is how resilience is developed.

Im not cold hearted, if the situation was dire I would be over there straight away but I wouldn't leap just because they are unhappy.
You cant be in a state of happiness all the time.

There's a big difference between a situation where someone feels unsafe and genuinely needs rescuing and one where they are just a bit unhappy.

I imagine most parents would be out of the house at the drop of a hat if they thought their child, of any age, was potentially in danger. For feeling a bit miserable I think it could be more useful to initially talk it through, give them some reassurance and advice and also have a word with the camp leaders.