To pick my daughter up from holiday camp 150 odd miles away

God I'd hate to be being bullied and be your kid. Good humour in the face of everyone leaving you out and being horrible to you? Stoicism? What kids need is to feel safe and to be listened to, not just left to fend for themselves. That's how you end up with problematic coping skills like self harm and end up feeling like you are worthless and that you deserve your needs not to be met.

Developing healthy coping skills requires a foundation of safety and support.

I'm really glad you're not my parent.

I think boys are also encouraged to persevere ('tough it out') when things get difficult. There's a reasonable compromise between making them suffer abuse and caving in to every wobble they have.

Rather too much unhelpful Transference and Projection on this thread, ladies.

DS went to a day holiday scheme OP, it sounded amazing with all the activities they had planned listed out on the website. In reality they just stuck all the kids in a sports hall with some toys for the whole day, it was just crap, nothing was organised at all.

I would be straight up there and find out what's going on tbh, it sounds very poorly organised if they don't know what's going on - and I wouldn't assume that there is loads to do that your child isn't joining in with. It might have been made to sound amazing but actually be run as cheaply as possible with staff that don't have a clue. For a start they should be noticing if a child is unhappy and withdrawn.

Did you see about the holiday camp in Leicestershire? I wouldn't take my chances tbh. Who knows what's going on - I'd go and get her now.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cwyep6j7z0zo

Yup. Being forced to do something you hate means you won't want to do it next time.

Knowing her folks have her back would mean that next time a similar away from home situation arises, her daughter would know that it's safe to give it a go. So when she hears, 'It won't be the same as last time' (because let's face it, it won't), she isn't immediately thinking, 'But what if it is and I spend a week on my own crying again? It's safer just not to go'.

Knowing that if you're being bullied through isolation, you can come home, makes fun and growing your independence healthily more possible.

My parents forced hyper-independence and resilience on me. I need people to know that the character it has built won't ask for help, won't open up about how she feels, and actively avoids things that make her feel uncomfortable because now I'm an adult I get to choose, and I choose not being scared... It doesn't build good character. It builds a 'nobody's coming to save me and the only person I can rely on is myself' attitude. Which sounds good on paper but doesn't feel great. The only way to build independence healthily is through secure dependence.

Independnce, stoicism, resilience, adaptability, sociability, goodhumour, most ofall forebearance, all chucked away as there is ‘nothing to do’ and some other kid is being mean or indifferent.

I would go and get her, some lessons aren't worthy of learning, being singled out is one of them. It's awful.

Go get her!

Hi @ShatnerssBasoon. My son (8) just came home from his PGL holiday saying he was bullied by the 11 year olds in his room and group- he stuck it out to the end at his own choice as he was enjoying the activities so much and because he had made a friend. He said he'd reported the bullying to the group leader but nothing was done about it so he just ignored the bullying. I felt so sad for him and guilty that maybe I sent him a bit young (I guess groups of 8-11 year olds is quite a range in reality) but I'm also insanely proud of his maturity with the situation. I think having made that one friend probably made all the difference. I think I'd definitely try and work with the camp leaders in your situation to see if there are any other girls being left out they could pair up with your daughter- if they are good they can do this in non-obvious ways, like asking them both to take on a responsibility together for the evening. The give it another day and then I'll come if nothing changes seems sensible.

We had same on a girl guides camp. A child had a vomiting so we called then to collect, after several attempts we got hold of the mum who said they couldn't collect as their car 'had broken down' We insisted and asked them to get a taxi. They turned up 2 hours later in their brand new personal number plated car and gave us an earful about making a 'fuss about nothing'. Later we heard their child had been admitted to hospital with meningitis

I think it is important that you obviously acknowledge your daughters distress and ask what she wants to happen to make things better.

as a teen (and younger) I went on various exchange programmes and always felt homesick right at the beginning, I knew if I called and said to my parents to collect me they would. Now this was all I needed to give me the comfort to know I could come home if things got too much and I never took them up on it.

when I was slightly older I went to Australia and the first two days were bloody awful with the jet lag and stuff, I called my mum who said get on the next flight home - it was all I needed to give my head a wobble and went on to have a super time.

there was only one trip that I didn’t go on because they couldn’t come if I needed it. Probably the biggest regret of my life not going in hindsight but having that comfort that I could call my parents and they would come was always important.

so you really need to balance it. Tell her you can go get her Thursday if she is having a terrible time, this gives a timeframe and hopefully things will improve. But if she wants you to go you must because that trust is so important.

I'd get either of my boys immediately. Camps should be fun. If they're not only not having fun, but also being picked on, they'd be coming home.

Yep I would absolutely go and get her. This is her school holidays and I would feel
so upset that she is camping miles away from home and feeling lonely and miserable. There’s no need for her to have to hang on and try and learn something from this experience. She’s a kid, she’s unhappy and wants to home to her family. An adult would have driven away from this experience themselves, she doesn’t have this option. I’d be going to get her today.

Op I think you’re taking the right approach. The thing is, there isn’t a one size fits all solution. What’s right for one kid isn’t necessarily right for another. Situations are different too, so posters’ experiences and reactions will vary wildly.

You know your child better than anyone. If this was my dc1 I would collect her because she is already very resilient and independent, and she wouldn’t ask to be removed unless there were compelling and insurmountable reasons.

Dc2, however, is the opposite. He is prone to giving up easily and sometimes needs gentle encouragement to get stuck in. He is also something of a drama queen, and will exaggerate in order to get what he wants. So, with him I would need to make sure he felt listened to, unpick what the actual situation was, and would inevitably talk him into giving it more time.

Completely agree

Our school don't ket the children contact home at all. If there's an issue, a teacher will call.

Guides do loads. Even the youngest do loads of activities. In a recent trip away with 5-7 year old guides in a 2 days/1 night trip we did

• bungee trampolines.
• inflatable assault course
• climbing and abseiling
• craft activities x 3
• campfire building
• toasting marshmallows and singalong
• drama class
• dance class

• tie dye t shirts
• games
• circus skills
• going into underground tunnels

And when on our return the parents asked the girls what they did, the reply was 'not much' 😂 Children are often not the most reliable at telling parents what that have done.

OP I would go visit her so you can make a reliable assessment of the situation and then decide. What kind of camp is it?

This is a really valid point, it will show her you'll always come and get her without justification if she ever feels uncomfortable, distressed or unsafe.

As she gets older she may not always be able to articulate why she feels she needs to come home, something might just feel off, or she be scared of getting herself or others into trouble.

If you go and get her now, you build trust that you'll get her unquestionably and without complexity.

He wasn't a volunteer he was a paid member of staff, and he lost his job about six months later after many many complaints.

I'd get her, she'll learn that she has a parent who will help her leave uncomfortable and unhappy situations, what will she learn by staying? Yes she'll endure, but at 12 why should she have to endure being snubbed and ostracised? Having the power to remove herself is what she needs and she has that only via her parents picking her up. No brainer.

Our last scout camp, 2 parents refused to pick up their child when asked.

If my child was having a miserable time, I would call the adults and have a chat. Then call the nedt day again and speak to a leader and the child. And then go pick them up. A child being forced to stay against their will is terrible. But I wouldn't pick them up immediately either. I've been a scout leader for a long time and usually the kids feeling home sick or miserable get over it the next day. But those who are still not ok the next day, then we ask parents to pick them up. However, we know the kids so we usually know how to encourage them and when it isn't worth it.

I would try and speak to her and see if she would try it for another night but promise that you will pick her up tomorrow if she wants to come home.

I have a dd that found this type if thing really difficult. Making her stay when unhappy did not build her resilience it just meant that she didn’t go anywhere again as she didn’t trust that she could come home if needed.

Aww poor girl, only you as her parent know if going to get is right. It’s a hard one.

My autistic son went on a school residential in Y6. The day he left he screamed the school down. The only reason I didn’t take him home was that my sister was a HLTA also on the residential.

In the end he had a great time and was well supported by good classmates. In fact one of his classmates who supported him now works as a 1-1 TA supporting autistic children in the classroom. He said to me he remember my son well and was always able to help him get calm so k ew he’d be able to support other autistic children (digressing a bit)).

I think your plan of speaking to her again today and then deciding is a great idea. Things might have changed or they might not .

Because it’s her first time away from home I would just go and get her. If she’d been away before I’d maybe expect a bit more resilience and say “if you’re not having fun by (day) I’ll come and get you”. Poor girl. Hope she’s okay.

People on this thread are acting like there are only 2 options - immediately go and rescue poor child from having a boring time or abandoning them to the wilderness for a week and ignoring any communication.

Neither of the above options are good. one leads to a becoming a person who cannot handle any adversity, boredom or problem and needs mummy or daddy to swoop in and save the day every time. The other leads to people who feel invisible and unloved.

Each child and each situation is different but I think the best thing here is to make the child feel heard, help them process the situation and come up with ways they can deal with the situation and be less bored/left out. Making sure the adults are aware (often the kids are actually having a great time but when they speak to parents the homesickness kicks in and they can only verbalise the bad things not the fun stuff they have done). I do think it is important for a kid to know that you have thier back and in come cases where the situation is unsafe then yes go and get them but less than 24 hours into a camp where they are a bit bored is not unsafe.
Kid nowadays are so cononected with devices and phones that is does take 2-3 days of 'withdrawal' for them to realise there is other ways to have fun than scrolling online or playing a game.