To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

May ILs are tired and can’t take on any more. They have already committed to SIL and gave a longstanding arrangement with her, so to suggest they should cancel their existing commitment to service you, it’s utterly ridiculous. You’re not ‘entitled’ to anything, certainly not from somebody else’s parents. Sort your own childcare out.

Not read the full thread, but could it just be as simple as - rightly or wrongly - they think you’re all sorted/capable and they think DIL needs all the help she can get?

Why would I assume they want childcare to offer it? I never wanted childcare, I suppose I'd think people would enjoy being with their own kids like I did? If I became aware they were having issues or might want help, then I'd offer. Otherwise I assume they are fully functioning adults with their lives in control, that can ask if they need help.

Not that this is a race to the bottom, but I don’t even get the same childcare from my parents than my biological sister. My retired parents do all weekday afternoons for my sister while she and her husband work, and when my baby arrived they said that they unfortunately don’t have any more free time to give because all days are taken already. They also feel too old to go back to caring after a baby and are well settled in afternoon activities with their other two grandchildren, not fair, but their live, their choice.

Realistically, an unspoken rule
of family life is that I think first come, greater the slice of time and sometimes affection of the gp. By the time other kids come along gp’s are older, a bit done and entrenched in their acts of service. It would take a strong personality and energetic gp to readdress for fairness. Can see why you’re annoyed but it’s the way it goes.

How anyone could begrudge that child some love and care from grandparents is beyond me. A young mum dying and never seeing her child grow up isn't very fair.

That’s what I said to my son.

but it sounds like the ops dh said that his parents would do an amount of childcare and didn’t even ask them for that commitment.

Why would the PIL not offer? I wouldn’t wait to be asked. I’d say to my son in a heartbeat, ‘I’m here if you need me’. Am I the only person whose family talks to one another?

That would be fair if the PIL of the OP even know she would like childcare. It sounds like their son hasn't even asked them, so they might not even know they want the favour? That's on their son.

Completely agree with this - there is a massive undercurrent of sexism running through the vast majority of posts on here - it is not the mother’s sole responsibility to arrange childcare, and providing childcare to grandchildren is not doing the mother a favour? So many pps seem to just take for granted that both of these things are true.

I think where there are big disparities in terms of distance or age it makes sense that grandparents would have different arrangements, or if one of their children needed a lot more support for some reason (single parent, additional needs etc) but if they have 2 kids who both have young children and both live close by then vastly different offers of support does seem unfair. And it certainly shouldn’t be justified on the basis that one of their kids is male and the other female?!

But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally

Maybe if there were enough days in a week they might have one to themselves now and again 🙄

Ime this tends to be when the first set of grandkids arrive. The grandparents eagerly offer to help with childcare but don't think about how much they might manage if more children arrive later on.

Also people age. My kids were the first grandkids. Dbil chose to have kids 10 years later and honestly, the impact is huge, the grandparents have far more health issues and way less energy and it shows.

I get how you are feeling op. We actually had the first grandchild and I’d assumed ils would be hands on dgps and was surprised when they mage little effort to visit (live 40 min away) when ds was tiny. They both worked full time so no childcare support available which was fine we paid for nursery.
then sil had her child and suddenly they had the time and capacity to be full on dgps, both dropped a day at work to help sil and bil with childcare. Many offers of overnights. I remember fil once moaning about all this childcare they do. I pointed out they hadn’t had ds for two months. Sil and bil have more money than us so it’s not financial, the only real difference in their favour is they live twenty minutes away from Pil. But I suspect that isn’t a factor.
The thing is you have to let it go if you continue to let it eat at you it will make you and dh miserable and no body wins . I’ve made my peace with it it’s the only way.

How pleasant of you

I can see how that would be hurtful. Two hours is a distance but not insurmountable. I'd probably aim to visit once a month with that kind of drive for a day visit. If there was some sort of crisis, more often on a temporary basis.

Totally support them going on holiday whenever and however they want, but not seeing them since Christmas is a bit rough. Unless there are other issues at play, it seems reasonable you're disappointed just by the lack of interest.

That’s not what your post said though, you said your brother was upset that they had no time for his child. Maybe there was truth to that, I can understand why you would be reluctant to see this.

@Lopkyv I agree and am actually very fond of my mil who makes much more effort. My fil is more of the root of the issue. Deep down he has some misguided idea he is essential to sil family and must be almost the second dad.

From what I read the ops DH hasn’t talked to his parents. I don’t think the op has even set out how much childcare they actually want.

You really have no awareness of how different their parenting style was, their expectation of my Mum to take him to expensive places without any financial contribution, or without any behavioural boundaries.

The difference is that I valued my Mum's time and experience and her contribution to my children's lives. They just saw her as a convenience on their own terms.

Just visit them, spend time with them! In laws are hugely active people, and drive all over Europe on holidays and visit friends (good for them!) but it’s always too much trouble to drive the two hours up the motorway to visit their gc. We try and make arrangements to visit them but they don’t like to be tied down to dates in case they want to go away. As such, they haven’t seen their gc since last Christmas. Meanwhile, they see the other dc all the time on an ad hoc basis which I agree is normal but that is why it is such a shame that our dc are so low down on their list of priorities.

One year, about 6 years ago, they did have our dc for 2 days in the school summer holidays. We were very grateful as it helped us out but by far the best bit about it was the lovely time my dc had, they still talk about it fondly now.

DH offered to rent a big cottage out for us, pil and sils and cousins(who we love and have no resentment for) for a big wedding anniversary for pil, sil and cousins were up for it and we have been away with them and had a lovely time but pil weren’t interested.

Honestly, I'm shocked by the number of posters framing this as a mother/daughter vs DIL issue and focusing on whether a mother would help her daughter over her DIL. Particularly the chorus of 'where's your own mum?'.

So childcare is just the woman's problem? If OP's MIL helped out, it would be a favour to OP and not OP's DH, MIL's own son? Last I checked, childcare should be both parent's responsibility.

Looking after DGC is not a favour to their mother fgs. It's helping the family. And MIL's own son!

With the above out the way, again, it isn't even about wanting free childcare. It's about treating your children equally. Of course if it's been 15 years since you offered childcare to first DC, it's not reasonable to be expected to start again with babies at 75. But if you're offering childcare to one DC with young children, and not your other DC who also has young children, it's going to sting.

And again - there's nothing unreasonable at all about having a conversation with adult DC who already benefit from regular childcare, and letting them know that in a year's time, you'll be extending a day of support to their sibling to help with other DGC, so they'll have to find alternative arrangements for one day a week. It's hardly a huge upheaval. People find alternative childcare arrangements all the time, and in most cases, it's the fairest approach.

I couldn't fathom ever treating my DC so differently. It's baffling to me that so many seem okay with offering so little support to one DC and so much support to another.

Some parents favour one child over another for their own reasons or perhaps they think DH is more able to cover things himself being a man with his own family now, whereas DD is still just DD who needs them (although married). In some families the DS is the blue eyed boy, the one producing heirs carrying on the name and all that, and the married DD is now more remote and part of a different family. Nothing is fair in life. Do you ask for help or are you expecting them to offer?

I think it's a difficult one if the GP are already providing childcare and have been for some time. It might be difficult to change up everyone's routine. Especially if your DH hasn't exactly asked/insisted. I understand where you're coming from though but I can also see where GP and SIL are happy with the status quo.

The op hasn’t said what the age gap is.

As we aren't hearing much obviously from the kids here are some quotes from an awful conversation when told my child GPs had organised a kids holiday without her - think greenland for Christmas, money wasn't the issue. "Its like we are 2 separate families" "when they get older and wonder why they aren't close to me this is why". Because that is what happens when children have to repeatedly watch favouritism. Hurting my child like that is what I can't forget. It is so ridiculous to think there will not be a consequence.