To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

You’re big on communication but that doesn’t extend to listening to someone’s opinion or asking a simple question every now and then? Ok.

And you don’t need to be careful with an IL relationship, you need to treat them well and treat the grandkids like your own, that’s it. And I say that as someone who was treated poorly by in laws who has agreed to help for their care and never once fucking complained. That’s such a shit attitude to have.

I really hope you’re right, but asking actually goes a really long way. And yeah, it IS on me but wouldn’t it be nice if it it wasn’t on the struggling person who feels like they can’t express that? Again, not due to the relationship with my parents or anything my parents have done. But despite your amazing communication skills, you don’t want to hear that. Anyway, have a lovely day.

OP, I think you are setting yourself up for a huge amount of unhappiness in life, should you choose to continue in this vein.

Would it be acceptable for your MIL to stop childcare for your SIL so that it was “equal”.
How would you feel if she said: here’s X pounds a month for the childcare you think I owe you, but I have no wish to be your employee thanks, especially after reading that thread on MumsNet.
How would you feel if she said, “I feel so tired and resentful that my daughter has gouged this from me. And because no good deed goes unpunished, I’m being painted as the nasty bitch for not doubling my efforts.”
How would you feel if she said “Sure, SIL pays me X pounds a week.”
How would you feel if she was waiting to be asked and she is assuming that you don’t want her near your child, or to have too much to do with her.

You have only seen this one way, and considered only you and your feelings. Other people have their own perspectives and lives which don’t have to be centered on you.
It is very noticeable that you are being a bit vague about what it is that you actually want here. So can you articulate what you’re looking for: from my reading it is (a) MIL to volunteer without being asked (b) She matches what SIL gets hour for hour (c) She matches what SIL has already had in the past (d) No complaints or seeing the arrangement in a way that you don’t like (e) She does the childcare as you want.

Is that an accurate or inaccurate reading, because I think it would really help the thread if you could add more detail on these aspects.

I’ve only read your (OP’s) posts and not all the responses: have the ILs been explicitly asked for help and refused, or have you been waiting for them to step up and offer equal support unprompted, or for DH to have the conversation with them? In their shoes, I imagine I’d be:

1. Not wanting to commit more free time to minding GC
2. Not wanting to have an awkward conversation about downgrading time for DD’s DC to make room to care for DS’s DC
3. Dreading DS bringing it up because yes it does seem unfair to give his DC less time and attention
4. Feeling guilty but also indignant that they’re being really helpful and somehow will come out looking like the bad guy because they won’t do everything everyone wants

I think it comes as part of natural conversation to find out if there are any needs, unless they aren't telling me because they want to keep something personal, which is fine too. If you can't ask, then that's on you.

I know what goes on with my DD because she's an open book. The rest are still at home, so easy there.

I think you have to be more careful with an IL child too. There are a lot of threads on here about interfering MILs, so you can't push too hard or you'll be prying and it could damage the relationship.

I'm big on communication.

I don't have GC but, as I said, regular weekly childcare isn't something I would just offer. I might open that conversation if one of the parents was in hospital or something else was going on, but not if it's for work purposes. It's a discussion I'm open to having, not initiating.

My point is, so did mine. We have a great relationship and yet I cannot ask due to various reasons which have nothing to do with my parents or my relationship with them. I’m just saying that my parents are like you, but you never truly know what’s going on with someone till you ask. You don’t have to listen to what I’m saying, hopefully you’re correct, but you never truly know.

Quite.

Wanting to spend time with grandchildren isn't being regular unpaid weekly childcare.

My parents looked after DS1 regularly. The first GC. 15yrs ago. They liked taking him out to things. They had energy, they had better health, they could keep up with a toddler.

Now, they are 15yrs older. And we have DTwins. They never have them. Because they are 15yrs older and want to enjoy life, not run after DTwins, not to mention they couldn't actually run after DTwins even if they wanted too! They see them all the time. Days out. They pop round. I pop round. They have a lovely relationship. I parent my own children in their presence. What a concept!

Did your DP ever actually ask his DP if they'd be willing/able to offer the same amount of childcare that they provide his DSis before he had kids?

If he did not - and if he subsequently has not asked them for childcare, why the surprise that it hasn't been offered?

It isn't unusual that the DD gets more childcare than the DS, but... its also super common that the adult child who has kids first and makes arrangements for childcare with the grandparents first, is the one who gets the most childcare.

Sometimes thats going to be a bit of favouritism, sometimes its that the new grandparents haven't really considered the future, have jumped in, perhaps over-offered... sometimes they've been pressured a bit ...

And sometimes theres a bit of a gap between their DD having kids and their sons DP having kids and they're older and aren't so keen or able any more.

Theres a lot of ifs, buts and maybes, and until you and your DP have a proper, frank conversation with his parents, you really don't know and cannot know.

What does treating everyone equally look like? There might be a 30 year gap between grandchildren for us.

I have raised my kids to know they can ask if they need support, and they do. I have no doubt they would ask if they needed to. I don't think childcare is something I would actually offer. That's the sort of thing I might consider if asked. (That said, I did say in an earlier post that I would be prepared to help if my DD wanted to have a child and had some struggles with her health, which was something able to be anticipated in advance, and she was openly talking about it).

I'm more likely to offer something like, if one of the child's parents said they were really tired, would they like me to come hold the baby so they can have a shower/sleep, do some housework for them, bring around a meal or two (or more), pay for something. I am good at picking up on needs. I'd hope they could ask but if I pick up on that sort of thing, I will try to help.

It is a choice to do childcare. Please don’t wish your children don’t have children. The main thing is you treat everyone equally.

Someone else's parents? They are still the grandparents of the child, the same relation to the other GC they are looking after. So it should be first to have children gets 100% and the rest get nothing? That makes no sense. What about the relationship with the 2 sets of GC being so different. My kids go to the same school as their cousins and need to see my Mum picking up ky brothers kids every week and never them, it's heartbreaking. In our case it's different from most as my Mum favours my brother and he has the last set of Grandchildren!

OP I think you have left yourself open to criticism by leaving out so many details.
Do you want childcare to work, need a break or so kids can have a relationship with their GP?

The why matters.

Just to add my children are really close to their cousins because me and Sil babysat each others kids for occasional weekends away. Is it possible ye could do this so the GP can get a rest?

Honestly, sometimes they may not ask. A lot of people have they ‘if they wanted to they would’ mindset. I have it now and having been burnt by one set of grandparents I know take this with my own, even though they think like you and would never ask unless an emergency. You may find if you offer it is taken up, no matter how much you think they would just ask if they wanted.

She shouldn't have to ask. The son should. It's his child and parents too. It sounds like this son has made promises on behalf of his parents to the DIL though, which is not on anyway.

Indeed.

I'm reading this thread with some incredulity. They're are so many posters who see their parents as employees, with a responsibility to their children. How absolutely miserable and entitled, quite apart from the dependency. Some posters don't seem to have grown up.

Retirement is supposed to be time for people to be able to have time for themselves. To relax. To be able to do the stuff that they couldn't do when they were working. But no, grandparents are expected to take on a new kind of work and responsibility, and according to that poster, should do so full time 'to be fair'.

Treating grandchildren fairly in the normal GP relationship is another thing entirely, which some people are falsely conflating with the OP.
But jeeze, the resentment is strong in so many posts, with no regard for GPs health, energy levels, or hopes for a life of their own.

In your case yes, same as mine, but clearly not in the case of the OP as the DIL doesn’t feel able to ask.

My post mentioned different parenting styles and my financial contributions. You made a lot of assumptions around that!

Then the grandparents are shit grandparents. Because the grandchildren are all the same no matter whose womb they grew in, so to obviously favour one over another due to their mother is abhorrent.

I have been in your position OP and actually my situation was worse and I desperately needed help but never got it. Didn’t say anything ever, still visit regularly off my own back and try to nurture relationship with grandparents. But grandparents still wonder why my DC aren’t as loving as other DC. And it’s because the effort they put in in comparison was minimal. I don’t expect care from grandparents, I know they’ve done their child rearing and are older and want to enjoy their lives etc, but if you don’t put in the effort you can’t expect a child to automatically love you.

YANBU - this is about the GC and they are showing favouritism. We’ve been in a similar situation and it’s been painful especially for my DP. We maintain a good relationship because my DC love their grandparents and are young so can’t see the difference in treatment - I expect they will in time and can make their own choices

I'm a grandparent who helps with childcare.Those saying that it's normal to prioritise dd's children over dil, I don't get this. They are all my grandchildren and I try to help out as best I can.
I communicate directly with both my dil and my ds about childcare. I find it odd that people think my ds should somehow be more important in the matter. They are both my grandchildren's parents.
I do think though, that the fact your sil is already taking up their time has an influence on the situation. They are already commited to this, which you knew, so they can't just back out of it to suit you.
They only have so much time available to help you out so unfortunately, you just have to be realistic about it.

I'm here if you need me is a well established part of my relationships with my children, so I don't need to spell it out for each circumstance. They know if they need me, I'll be there. Always have been. But I'm not a mind reader.

I also don't think it's a female oriented thing because if my son in law called me needing me, I'd be there too.

You don’t assume- hence the ‘I’m here if you need me’.

if they don’t need the help then they can just say, thanks for the offer mum but we’re good.

@LovesToWalk especially as DH doesn’t seem to have spoken to them. I wonder if DH just assumed by moving next door they would get free childcare.

If SIL’s child is starting school in September and the younger one is in nursery, the GPs might be thinking they have more time for themselves and hadn’t realised at the time of offering help how tiring it would be. And they can’t face looking after a baby for hours a day

That is okay but would you accept this means that relationships with the other family members are not as strong? Would you do nothing to make favouritism less obvious? What I find odd about this approach is it rarely acknowledges consequences and the GPs still expect lots of love and affection. My mother was older and never offered any childcare and I am fine with that. Because you can be frank on mumsnet I think she is relieved my in laws are so obviously out of line to everyone, including the wider family, but them, it makes her closer to her grandchildren as she looks great in comparison

Yes - in an ideal world all things would be equal. But circumstances change, people get older, we are not always able to manage the same things or have the same income or resources. None has any idea how many GC they'll have, if any. The idea that you'll factor in an unknown number of future GC is a nice fantasy.