To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

In some cases its simply a mother/daughter bond thing. Add in that her children are older and the childcare/routines are established I have not heard of anyone who volunteers to increase their own nursery bill to free up their parents babysitting schedule. Also grandparents will be older, might find it exhausting and don't want to commit another few years of regular childcare having learned from their first experience

I think your problem is you see this help as a right and that they’ve let you and your DH down by not providing it - as opposed to recognising any childcare as a kind favour that you should be reasonably grateful for (many people don’t have that at all).

If instead your question had been “how can I and my DH talk to my in laws about whether they would be willing to share the time they spend looking after their grandchildren a bit more equally between our kids and my SIL’s kids” you would have probably had a very different set of responses. If you decide to try and address things I would suggest that you change the attitude you have and look at trying to be more collaborative / recognising it is not as simple as “making it fair”. Life often isn’t “fair” - you need to remember you are still in an enviable position.

As others have said (a) they have already made commitments and walking back from those is a big deal so you need to treat a request for them to do that with respect not just expect them to, (b) the older kids are probably a bit easier now, (c) as they get older they may want to do less not more childcare.

If you live next door to DH parents i'd consider moving. I wouldn't want to see them babysitting constantly. Move to somewhere you want to live and far away from them!

But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally, it's just chosen to allow days for rest

Absolutely outrageous that they should be considering taking rest days, how dare they!! I know you’ve already said this was a poor choice of words, but the fact it’s entered your head to think this way about what they ‘should’ be doing is just unbelievable. It really isn’t the role of a grandparent to devote all their time equally to all grandchildren. You must realise that so many people get zero support from grandparents, so if you get something you’re better off than most. When your DH’s parents are older, do you think it will be you, or DH, or your SIL that helps them out? Will you ensure to split that equally? It just doesn’t work like that in the majority of cases.

I don’t mean they decide and then tell - rather that they work out how to ask for continuing help (assuming GPs are committed to help DD for the foreseeable) in a way that is fair to their DS (and therefore OP) and DD, and I don’t think they should ask for more time/commitment than the GP are already giving.
If I’m right about my bullet points in my first post (and I may well be wrong), then having the children agree that they (a) recognise that DS deserves help too and (b) they are grateful for that help, don’t it for granted and don’t expect more, they’ll be in a good position for one or both of them to raise the topic with GP and see how they feel about things.
There are many, many factors that may affect things that we don’t know about, of course, this is a very simplistic assessment. Of course you wouldn’t want your DC dictating what you should do, but conversations need to be had to break this impasse. What would you suggest is the best first step?

My sister got all of my parents’ time and a fair chunk of their money at a time when it would really have helped us. I felt it was unfair and said so. What my DM said was that in the end it was her time and her money and it was up to her what she did with it. What she saw was that I could cope and my sister couldn’t.

it sounds harsh, but she was right. It was her choice to make. Neither of us were entitled to anything. As it happens she did try and even things up but it was in the way she chose.

What I’m reading on this thread is a huge sense of entitlement, an expectation that DGP will spend their retirement providing childcare on demand and deep resentment when they don’t.

It’s petulant and infantile.

If you plan to be a parent you need to expect to care for your own children without roping in help. Otherwise don’t have them.

People should be looking after their own children and not be expecting or relying on GPS and getting into competitions.

It’s not stopping childcare altogether, but doing one day for each for example. Friend’s parents have done this, and there was no resentment from the ones that had grandchildren first. They acknowledged their parents should get time with both sets of grandparents children and things should be equal.

My mum chose not to do that, and has my sister’s children full time, and sees mine a couple of times a month. I didn’t want her to do childcare and we had them booked full time into nursery. But it hurts that she has very little relationship with mine, and never offers to have them ever

that is the real question - have you actually asked. Because surely you do need to - no grandparent wants to overstep and it is on the parent to set boundaries and ask

This is what I got from OP’s post as well.

If DH hasn't actually asked them for the support, how are they supposed to know this is a problem?
If he did, maybe they would try and make it more equal!

GP are just as culpable in making this connection and just as likely to expect transactional relationships with their children.

Not necessarily. Fair does not always mean the same.

My cousins hate me as adults because their parents were so hell set that it was unfair how much they looked after me vs them. They didn't know that my mum was a massive alcoholic and I had a vile step dad and my grandparents were trying to protect me. As soon as my cousin's mum got cancer in their late teens, my grandparents moved 4 hours to live near them to help. Whoever needed the help most, was priority.

I do think you are being quite harsh though, of course MIL needs to rest and do stuff between her childcare responsibilities. She deserves time too

I don’t tho l that’s what she is getting at.

If MIL has DHC 4 days a week she could cut it back to 2 days and help OP - not add extra days.

I'm absolutely astonished that you think your in-laws should work full-time - UNPAID - giving childcare.

Your sense of entitlement and lack of understanding of how hard it gets to care for small children as you age is quite remarkable.

It's absolutely fine not to do childcare as a grandparent and actually we didn't expect (or get) that at all.

It's absolutely fine that things might not be exactly equal due to age or distance

But so often these things are used as ways to retrospectively justify what the grandparents always wanted to do - favour their daughter and her children

The first come first serve point for example - how often do we see posts from women saying that their children have been dropped by the grandparents as the daughter has now had children? Really common. How often do we see posts from women saying that their children have been dropped now that their brother has had children? Never happens. When the daughter has children first, it's first come first serve, when the son does, it's oh the daughter needs me now.. It's heads I win, tails you lose for daughters' children almost always

Currently 19 years between youngest and oldest GC and I think we might have one or two more yet. A big difference between me at 49 and now at 71 with a lively 2 year old who I adore and do provide childcare for but I know I shouldn't have them full-time as I can't provide enough stimulation five days a week.

Yes.. I agree I'm my son's parent too but I meant I hope they understand that I might be too old to give childcare when they have DC.

Have I missed that MiL is on her own or is there an FiL on the scene too?

It is so difficult. You suggest the siblings discussing it to sort it out and that seems very reasonable except if I found out my kids had discussed the help I was going to provide and "sorted it out" I'm afraid I'd tell them to go and sort their own lives out and leave me to sort mine.

It isn't easy to take everyone's feelings into account but I am am an adult with capacity not the unpaid help to be shared out by my kids.

This though can become a downward spiral. You feel valued by one because you are supporting them. The other doesn't value you because they see the disparity. Rather than addressing that, you dig down further and provide less support and so the resentment grows.

You’ve posted in AIBU , and as many women do on here as soon as somebody says yes you are you argue with then to show them that you’re not ! Totally pointless even posting , you may as well have just said ‘ allow me to have a rant about my in-laws and childcare ! ‘

@Notyourproblem can you explain how much childcare you want or need, what it’s for and what the age gap between the grandchildren is?

I do listen to opinions and ask questions of my children and son in law. So not sure where you get that I don't. How do you even have a relationship without doing that?

I won't be asking about offering childcare unless there is some sort of circumstance going on. Like I said, I am open to that conversation but it's not something I will consider my responsibility to offer. I have offered childcare when my child was talking to me about medical issues and how she might cope, for example.

If any child is planning to have a child expecting me to do childcare, they better talk to me about it before they conceive that child, or they might be disappointed. It's not my responsibility.

Have you ever considered that there might be things going on in the life of your parents you don't know about that might stop them living up to your expectations? Or that they aren't mind readers?

This is such a complex issue.

This will make me look incredibly selfish but I would only provide regular childcare in a situation where I felt loved, valued and appreciated. Regular childcare as a grandparent is very hard work. I do so much of it, and it nearly kills me sometimes, much as I adore them all.

If I had any sense that it was expected of me simply because I was already doing it for another of my children I would be irritated in the extreme. This is possibly more likely to happen in the case of a DIL because these relationships can sometimes be more strained. Therefore if you want grandparents to do childcare, the relationship between you and them is critical and needs nurturing so that they feel respected, actually want to help you and don’t feel coerced into it.