To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

I felt similarly to you when my kids were small. We were the first in the family to have children and it was made clear to us by various parties that we were not to ask for help. One of my SIL's responded to the news by saying 'don't expect me to babysit' before she even managed to say congratulations. So we didn't ask. It came as something of a shock to us, a few years later, to find that MIL regularly babysat for the others and even had one of them stay overnight. We only found out about that because we called in on her unexpectedly and he was there. MIL was very embarrassed. We shrugged it off. What else could we do? DH was upset and angry at his brother for putting MIL in that position.

But looking back now, I can see that actually, it isn't as straightforward as it seems. It may well be that your MIL is already at the limit of what she can physically manage. Okay, she could renegotiate with SIL and split the time between you, but maybe SIL isn't the type to accept that and MIL doesn't want the argument. Maybe SIL is struggling and can't cope without the help. Maybe MIL regrets offering SIL so much help but feels unable to withdraw it. Maybe she does just prefer SIL's kids to yours and that's something you're going to have to find a way to accept. Challenging it won't change anything and you will most likely be painted as the bad guy.

I know it's unfair. But it's also about finding a way to maintain a relationship with these people longer term.

I would have hated child care from my MIL tbh.

Completely unreasonable expectation.

Did your in-laws have any say in you moving in next door to them? That suggests enormous assumptions on your part.

A lovely post. I hope it all helps going forward.

@Notyourproblem have you ever actually asked for this support?

Grandparents can only stretch themselves so thin.

Why are your parents not in the picture? (Sorry, appreciate that’s a personal question but would provide context for your feelings.)

Its the unfairness thought.
If Ops parents aren't helping any of their children then they are treating them all equally. Doesn't matter what the reason is.

If the ILs are helping the daughter and therefore too busy, tired to help the son then that is unfair.

Given the discussion about free hours the DGC are all pre-school age. So real difference in the effort required.

Its hard on the kids too, you end up with people not wanting their kids to know their cousins get very different treatment. When they are at summer club with little choice in the outings, yet cousins get a choice because they are with Grandparents.
You'd rather keep the kids apart than to hear the constant 'we did x, y, z'

They will be closer to their daughter than they are to you. Perhaps they feel more confident looking after her children than they would with yours for that reason - it tends to be the mother that negotiates the ‘rules’. Or perhaps they are already using up their energy with their daughters children and have none left over, but don’t feel they can back out. But I don’t think you should ‘expect’ anything

I think it’s normal for grandparents to be closer to grandchildren when their child facilitates a close relationship. Is your Dh doing that? Going and spending time with them with the kids? Taking them all out for days out? Having them over and making lunch for his parents?

I wouldn’t expect childcare help to be the same. It’s not a government scheme. It’s just a gift if you get any family support. We have none, except maybe MIL has watched ours for a few hours here and there at our house since eldest was a toddler (she’s 12 now).

I think it is also a rare person who wants a meeting they aren't invited to discussing what they could/should be doing.

I agree with this. And then when the time comes that they need help, the daughter will be the only logical point of call.

I still think it’s very weird to be more annoyed at in-laws when your own parents don’t or can’t help, whichever one that may be.

For her in-laws, perhaps they just prefer being around their own daughter than their DIL, which is entirely their right.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable either @Notyourproblem. My in-laws favour my SIL’s children to the point it’s actually embarrassing. For my in-laws I mean. They are so obsessed with them but can’t seem to identify how much they show it. And obsessed with their daughter. My FIL especially. (It actually makes me really uncomfortable so I’m not remotely jealous)

My husband is always second best, despite providing a lot for them, and I do find it maddening when they ignore my H’s birthday, and go completely bonkers on the daughter’s. They also, despite very similar financial circs, expected us to hand over everything we have to my SIL. So weird. My FIL is cross if we ever get ANYTHING new, that his daughter doesn’t have. Doesn’t matter what it is.

They’re actually bonkers and I could write so many threads about them.

It's difficult, because people age. Having been ok providing X amount of care to babies and toddlers 5 years ago and coping fine as they age and become less physically hard work does not mean a person is capable of looking after a small child now. This is a fact, but that doesn't mean people aren't going to have feelings about it.

Perhaps I could have been clearer - the DS/DD conversation should be to

1. acknowledge that DS should benefit from childcare as well as DD. (You may disagree, and there may be other factors at play as I said. It’s more complicated than giving equal pocket money but the principle is similar).
2. acknowledge that they appreciate their DP’s help
3. acknowledge that GP may already be wondering how to change arrangements to include DS’s DC but not know how to broach the subject

You have no idea Ops circumstances or her parents circumstances. They could be 40s / 50s and still working full-time unable to provide much support or they could be abusive twits that are best steered clear off.

But ultimately parents should provide equal support to their DC. Not the daughter getting tons and the sons lucky to get a few scraps.

Well also, as you think it would be 'outing' to give info like the ages of the children and the GPs it's got everyone frothing at the mouth without the pertinent information

There are some very good reasons why gps give different levels of childcare to the children of their offspring. I will give you my example.

DB had first GC. GPs still working so besides the occasional weekend overnight nothing more.
I had my first and DB had his second. GP still working. So no child care.

Younger brother had first just as GM retired so had him from 9 months 2x week for 2 years.

older brother had 3rd and GM had him 1x a week. It was all she was willing to do as late 60s at this point.

I had my second and mum looked after him from 9 months until dad also retired. Whereupon he put his foot down and said his retirement dreams did not include watching his older wife spend her remaining years running herself ragged with toddlers. We all had to find alternative childcare. Most of our in laws just said ‘no’ I’ve done my child caring you are on your own..

When I had my last - before I had even asked - dad made it very clear that they live to see us but now it’s their time and they will be travelling while they still can and that at 75 my mother does not have the capacity for toddlers .

So OP no - equality is not realistic . Kids grow . GPS get older. GPS have retirement plans . Some are still working . Everyone has an individual life pattern/events which precludes equality .Grandparents arranging their lives and retirement just to satisfy your equality requirements is neither fair or realistic.

Because if I agreed to do something I'm not going to go back on it.

And if you came to me with your 'demands' you'd be sent away with a flea in your ear.

I have done what I can for all my children and DGC (to my own detriment really - retirement and doing your own thing? How does that work?) within the time frame and order of their births and being asked

And bearing in mind I had NO family help with my children at all

From your earlier posts @Notyourproblem, it seems you do receive some free childcare from your PILs, just not as much childcare as you expect.

You come across as very ungrateful for the help you do receive.

Based on your attitude displayed on this thread, the GPs would be well advised to give you a wide berth.

Sorry that doesn't make it better. If you want to discuss what I'm going to do discuss it with me. I would not be impressed to be told there'd been a meeting to discuss what was fair and the answer would be simple - a very fair no childcare for any of them.

If I want to do more childcare that would also be for me to offer and not have other people deciding that I was only going to continue doing the same as previously but divided "fairly"

If I'm considered capable of looking after a child do me the courtesy of treating me like an adult.

She literally admitted she’s resentful so that’s not a revelation or a gotcha.

I think it’s a bit strange to be more upset at the lack of support your PIL are providing vs. what your own parents are prepared to do (assuming still alive and compos mentis).

Generally I think it’s okay to expect some help from grandparents on either side of the family but people do tend to help their own daughters out more because typically caring for grandchildren is very female led.

My PIL would rather chew off their own arms than help with grandkids - my MIL in particular is the sort that will sit on the sofa reading news on their iPad ignoring preschoolers playing around them.