To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

Again, that's fine. My point is the OP is demanding equal treatment to the DD but a DD and DIL are two very different things. I used the example of caring for elderly parents, but it could just as well be inheritance, signing as a rental guarantor, emotional support, whatever.

This.
And it may not be realistic to expect that, having established a working arrangement with their first grandchildren, they will then change it to suit you. There would be various different factors / personalities involved and I don't think people with limited knowledge of the situation can really judge.

Your relationship with the in-laws will be a deciding factor too OP.

Mothers are more hands on, so if they don't feel free around you, they won't feel free looking after your kids.

Your DH has to make that connection work, but again, if he has to run things through you, it will affect the relationship.

Well this puts you in a difficult position. He should be the one speaking to his parents about a more equitable arrangement.

You stated people expect care from their kids, you might but you don't speak for us all. There is no way that I want to put that burden on my kids, I have good pensions so I can pay for support and if it goes beyond that then it's a home. I've read threads on here where people want their parents dead as they can't cope any more. That isn't what I want for me or them.

Nope.

expect is not a thing. Work on the relationship if there can be one.

Sure, you do you, it's obviously fine to go into a home if that's what you want. There's also nothing shameful in accepting help, especially when you yourself have helped others in your turn.

In my family, my elderly relatives have always tried to stay in their own homes as long as possible. My dad, grandparents, great uncles/aunts have mostly been able to die in their own beds. Even with home help, this wouldn't have been possible without support from other family members.

I see it as paying it forwards and hoping the next generation will do the same for you. I wouldn't expect an in-law to do anything though.

To be contentious, I dont understand the feeling of entitlement that today's Mum's expect from GP. And before you all.jump down my throat, I had no help with my 3, and needed to return to work when each was a few months old.
If your SIL's children are older than yours, childcare for the GPs will have become a little easier as they (the GPs) get older.
Maybe if your husband actually asked, they would be happy to help, they're not clairvoyant, and they may feel you don't want that from them. Maybe they feel you're pushier than their daughter. Maybe they prefer the other grands? It happens!

I find this post fascinating. OP I think your manner has undone you here, perhaps unfairly. But things are rarely equal when it comes to childcare. We moved close to my parents and had the first grandchildren. We get one school pickup a week and are grateful for it. Nothing else unless arranged. My sister lives over an hour away and gets very little. We’ve all accepted it. My parents don’t want to look after their GC 7 days a week. Fair. Be grateful for whatever is offered.

Sorry but it is pretty common that daughters (and subsequently child care) are favoured over daughter in laws. You aren’t their daughter so you can’t expect them to treat you the same in terms of the benefits you enjoy. If, however, grandchildren are treated very differently (more expensive presents for one set of grandchildren etc) that’s different.

I don't want my kids looking after me. When I can't manage I'll go in a home. I've told my kids if I get dementia and get to the point I don't know them I expect them to stop visiting and remember me how I was.

Why does everyone seem to think we want to be looked after by family.

@Notyourproblem i am 100% on Your side with this. We had/have this issue but we have our first DC first (their first GC) as soon as SIL had her DC ours was pushed thoroughly out of the way, i understood at first in a way because it was SIL's first baby as needed the support more (she now has 2 lovely DC's through IVF so is an elective single mom) but the support never returned to our DC, we have since gone on to have 3 DCs, but unfortunately our eldest was old enough (7) when his cousin was born to know he was pushed out and what he's missing out on . . .
Its a horrible feeling to feel like your kids are second best, i personally cut contact just to see how long it would take for them to ask after the kids (answer is 9 weeks!) and said if they wanted to see DGCs then they needed to come to our home (we live 10min drive away) as i wasn't taking the kids to see them anymore, especially as eldest felt pushed out. I stood firm with this and set the boundaries my kids needed. Grandparents dont see the issue and never will when it comes to playing favourites. I hope it doesn't bother your DCs xxx

Completely agree

This

I don't think many people expect ILs to look after them. They expect that from their own children, not a DIL.

In any case, if OP isn't willing to help out on equal terms to a daughter, then she can't expect childcare on equal terms to a daughter.

Her DH (the GPs DS) hasn't actually asked for any childcare, only OP has.

I also agree that if the living nearby doesn't work for you or there is another location you've always wanted to move to I'd look into this. A bit of distance might help with this relationship.

OP I posted earlier about a sense of entitlement on this thread. I just wanted to make it clear that wasn’t directed at you but at the general tone of other posters. I think you have taken on board what people have said very constructively and I hope you feel happier now.

FWIW, although my DC had less to do with their DGP than their cousins when young, they had plenty of opportunity to build a loving relationship with them later. Nobody lost out.

They would be helping out their son

It makes a huge difference, because one of the reasons GPs might decline/avoid is because “DIL is demanding, and quick to take offence.” I have neither a DIL nor GC, but I have been in a relationship where nothing was ever enough, they always compared me to others as a way to leverage more out of me. Never again!

@PigletSanders They’re actually bonkers and I could write so many threads about them.

Please do, it might make me feel better about my own batshit family!

Just out of interest what kind of stuff do they demand you hand over to SIL and does she actually want it? I'm imagining you getting an air fryer or something and you PIL immediately making demands over it.

From the grandparents perspective, if SIL is the primary parent that looks after the children, they're helping out their daughter. In your family, if you are the primary person looking after the children, it's a little bit different because it's not them helping out their daughter. That may just be where the different feeling comes from on their part.

I think children notice the oddest things and are oblivious to others. If your PIL spend time with your children, talk to the, read to them etc then a relationship will build. You live next door so for your children they will be part of the everyday landscape of life. Their cousins might envy them this. PIL may be looking forward to quality time as opposed to childcare time with yours.
You are in a position to more readily compare as you all live close to one another. I have one child in another country and one an hour away. That is a potential for immediate inequality, my one existing grandchild sees much more of one side than the other simply due to proximity.

It’s always interesting to see the inner ‘logic’ of why so many Mners have no friends and are on bad terms with their families.

Is this level of caveman quid pro actually how you think about relationships, @Nearly50omg?

But this is a common occurrence. GP expecting the child they didn’t help with childcare to be the one helping when they are in need and the children who they showered with help neglects their elderly parents when they no longer require them to be babysitters. GP are just as “entitled” if that’s the language we are using.