To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

This is not relevant to what I said and I addressed this in my first reply "And if the OP doesn't want to care for grandparents in their old age there is no reason at all to believe they will care. A nice red herring there"

My comment stands.

My comment still stand also.

Anyone can decide on how they would like to spend their free time I agree. Also keeping in mind that there are consequences of not offering equal opportunity to all of your children and grandchildren. If people are ok with that then all good.

If I get more help and support from a different side of the family, then equally I will provide more support to that side of the family in return. Relationships goes both ways.

No need for this reply as it doesn't add anything to what I said.

As stated, it is CF entitlement and point of view that builds resentment. And women get to decide all by themselves without consulting anyone else how much of their time and hard work they want to offer for free.

Your jealousy of your relatives and relationship with your own MIL is not relevant to my comment.

My comment stands.

In my situation, I do not expect help from grandparents. I have budgeted enough for nursery/daycare for days we work. My husband and I both work (cost of living). My SIL have had the same opportunities in life and similar jobs but chose to spend her way into debt (think luxury purchases) and therefore cannot afford to move out. However, we are constantly reminded by MIL that we are financially well off and SIL isn't to justify the help (financially and time).

How does that not build resentment? If she doesn't like my kids equally that is her call. But kids can pick up favouritism (I.e. granny paying for resort holiday for one grandchild only) and if they don't have that connection with her later it's her own doing also.

In this situation is it about childcare or is the jealousy around the mother-daughter relationship you have sans kids?

Nope, it only builds resentment when an entitled CF like the OP thinks she has a right to someone else's free hard work.

If the CF entitled OP went into parenting with the correct assumption that she and her husband will be parenting their children and that any help they get is a blessing and something to be grateful for - not an expectation - she would not feel resentful.

It is entirely her entitlement and point of view that are driving her choice to be resentful over another woman's choices over her own time and hard work.

And if the OP doesn't want to care for grandparents in their old age there is no reason at all to believe they will care. A nice red herring there.

My MIL pays for a nanny when she cannot look after my SIL's child. Meanwhile we get no such support.

I believe with all things equal, resources and opportunities should be split evenly between the children. Unless one has health concerns and need more help than the other due to limitations beyond their control. Otherwise it builds resentment especially when the grandparents helps one child more but expects the other child to take care of them in old age.

I'm really pleased you're not getting away with your demands, I do feel a sense of satisfaction when entitled chancers don't get their own way.

If your husband wants to ask your parents the enormous favour of looking after YOUR (and his) children, he should do that. Meanwhile, your mother in law (as you know she'll be doing most of the work) owes you not a single solitary moment of childcare. Zilch. Zero. Nothing. Not morally, and not in fairness.

She is being fair to herself by doing what suits her.

Look. After. Your. Own. Children.

There is never anything remotely unfair in a relative refusing to be your free childcare - it's called their human right to utilise their dwindling resource of time taking precedence over your wants/needs.

Look. After. Your. Own. Children. Any help you get is a gift, a bonus and something to be grateful for. When you go into parenting with the correct expectation that you will be looking after your own children, you understand that. If you are an entitled chancer, you don't.

I am an aunt rather than a GP. All nieces and nephews from both sides are treated the same in terms of time and money spent. I wouldn't do it any other way.

My DC are the last and we live away. We have never had any support from GPs. Our mum's didn't work and had tonnes of support from our GPs. I assumed it would be the same, not least because we all work full time too. It was hard not to get any help and it felt like rejection. It was the best thing that could have happened. My immediate family is tight. I have amazing relationships with family and friends with people that adore my DC. The GPs have missed out.

On both sides this happened with one sibling in the family having their need prioritised. There are four siblings on each side. The rest of the grandchildren are well aware their GPs have favourites. On reflection, I am glad it didn't happen. Their values did not align in terms of screen time, food and behaviour. It was incredibly hard when DC were little, it all worked out.

I would say the GPs are being taken advantage of but they are active participants. They have actively decided to favour one family and build uneven relationships. Those siblings reaping the benefits of free childcare and babysitting are not the most supportive of their needs now they are getting older. That's on all of them.

It is such a shame for everyone. I think it is really unhealthy for the child being prioritised.

Yep and if the son wants childcare he should ask for it. According to the OP, he has never even hinted anything to his parents.

That's my whole point. If a DIL asks for help that is different to a DD/DS asking for help. The OP should be annoyed at her DH, not her ILs.

Sadly it is just the way it is. I have two DB and both of there DC are looked after by my mum. My DC are lucky to get birthday card. My mum says I don’t need her as much as my DB but the fact it I do. She just doesn’t see it. It is hard but it is the way it is.

That would likely be my solution - have both gc at the same time. I wouldn't be prepared to do more than a day or two a week, so having them together seems the most logical solution. There's the risk that one or both doesn't want that, in which case I might suggest one day each (even if one has been getting two days). I'm in charge of how I divvy my time and it's them I'm doing the favour to, so they can work with me or miss out.

You do realise that these grandchildren have been produced by the MIL son and the op didn’t create them on her own?

That would be different. They could have both children at the same time but cancelling a long-standing arrangement is going to cause upheaval for everyone and bad feeling probably.

Yip. Also because as an in law, there will be nuances and history and old hurts and perceived hurts and ancient favours and treats and all kinds of stuff that you don’t know about. And because of that it’s so much better when the family of origin people - in this case the husband and his parents - negotiate this between them.

but the ops husband hasn’t done that.

Yes, which is why any childcare or elderly care or whatever should be negotiated between children and their parents. Not DILs and PILs.

I meant in terms of when you said GP tend to expect their children rather than inlaws to provide care when they age that their son is their child too.

@Notyourproblem seems highly transactional- wanting the same time as her SiL. Her posts show no concern for her in-laws as people. Just about some abstract notion of “fairness.”

"All Things Being Equal" then yes they should provide you both with similar "services"... but are the two situations really the same ?

"All Things Being Equal" then yes they should provide you both with similar "services"... but are the two situations really the same ?

Equal treatment for kids is same price presents and treats etc. Offering fixed childcare on set days is definitely a favour to the parents in my view.

The OP admits the GPs do see her kids etc. What she's upset about is not having the exact same number of set days as her SIL got.

Her DH (their DS) hasn't asked for any childcare at all.

Yes, but according to the OP he hasn't asked for any childcare.

Is her husband, their son, not their own child?

It's equal treatment and focus for the kids not for herself though!

Although this wasn’t the actual case for practical reasons, my DM would have helped me with childcare and not my DB, because she thinks looking after children is a woman’s job (ie mine) and she knows it’s difficult in the early years so she would have shared it with me. She wouldn’t have thought the same wrt my DB’s children, because he already has a woman dealing with his children: his wife. My DM wouldn’t even have thought about whether my SIL needed help, she would have automatically thought my SIL should have sorted out help for herself from her DM or elsewhere. In her mind, she wouldn’t want to interfere in SIL’s life/work/job.

It’s wrong on so many levels, but also fair in a way.