To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

Crikey no! When dd had a child I helped put a lot, still do and happy to have dgd . Shes older now and so am I. When DS has children no way will I be helping out like I did with DD. Babies are exhausting, toddlers even more so and I just don’t want to do it again. Had a chat with ds about it anyway and he knows I’m can’t do that level of childcare again. I have dgd one weekend a month, look after a disabled relative another two weekends a month and have the remaining weekend for myself. I’m going to have to be more hands off with dis’s children. If that disappoints his partner I hope she can understand and get over it. I like her but I’m done with kids

There is no getting through to you is, there.

What gives you the right to expect or demand their "days of rest". You are not entitled to anything at all. You are getting support, you have said so. You are not remotely grateful. They would be fully within their rights to refuse to take your children at all ever.

It depends. If the other sibling had their children first and GPs volunteered to provide child care then that's the arrangement. To then provide further childcare to other grandchildren is a huge ask while in theory it should be equal, the practicality of it is less so and of course they are entirely within their rights not to provide for either

It’s unfair and I agree that it’s sad she doesn’t offer the help equally. However it’s easier to say no to new requests than go back on an existing arrangement.
I do think you are being quite harsh though, of course MIL needs to rest and do stuff between her childcare responsibilities. She deserves time too.

My parents did full childcare for my sister’s DS. My PIL did full childcare for my DH’s siblings DS.

Both continue to provide huge support despite both DGC now being young adults.

DH and I haven’t had so much as an hour’s assistance from them since our bow 4 year old DS was born.

We paid £10,000’s in nursery fees and we’ve had to take a huge drop in household income to allow us to work and do all the school runs and holiday cover. Our siblings didn’t have to sacrifice a single thing.

It used to bother me a lot more in the early days but we’ve come to accept it now. Of course our and our DS’s relationship with our parents is very different to that of our siblings and their DC.

I think it’s pretty common to help with first/earlier DGC more. DGP’s get older and realise they can’t/do not want to do the same for all DGC.

Well they’re all their grandchildren, so I don’t think it should make a difference if you are a daughter or a DIL.

However, if they have already committed to childcare then you shouldn’t expect them to go back on that commitment. It might also be that they’re older and not able to provide the same level of care.

My mum provided a couple of days a week for my sister but I had children 10 years later by which time she’s had multiple joint replacements and can’t get onto the floor and back up easily. She reluctantly offered to help out, but I said no. I still make sure she sees the kids every week, but when she sees them her role is a doting grandma rather than a caregiver.

@Notyourproblem No I never expected the same amount as our circumstances are different. The age gaps mean it would be very difficult for my mother to manage all 3 at once now and I would never ask her to change the relationship she has with her older grandchildren.

OP did they make any promises when they knew you were expecting a baby? I've more sympathy when there's broken promises involved.

It's not your mother in law's fault that your own mother isn't around.

It's not her gap to fill just so you get childcare.

Blame your mother's absence, not those who aren't filling it in the manner you feel entitled too.

So you should just knuckle under whilst one branch of the family is given favourable treatment over the other? Accept the unfairness with a smile to avoid drama? Accept the grandparents building a deeper bond with one set of grandchildren?

YANBU
My in- laws did this - a tually moved to the other side of the country to help SIL. I won’t bother going into all the details but SIL had a lot more support and money available but PIL went to help her. It hurt then and still hurts now. It has definitely affected their relationship with my dc who saw and understood the blatant favouritism. They were under no obligation to help us but it was not nice to see them help SIL (who didn’t ask for help either btw) and effectively ignore us.

I’m sorry OP you sound like really hard work, you begrudge them having a rest. Perhaps it’s you that’s the issue?

You probably should get the same support but

if there is already an arrangement in place, I would expect to have to fit in.

it is generally easier to organise things with a DD than a DDiL as they will probably be closer.

yes the childcare is for both you and DH but families often see it as helping out the mum.

But you live next door- it would bother me more if I could always see it.

We actually had the first dgc and dh was their first dc.. When sil gave birth they dumped our ds... She also had a ds...
From sil's first arrival ils never had a holiday that didn't include at least 1 of sil's dc...

Nobody has a family "expecting" child care from grandparents, surely! And no, if they have comittments already, they are not going to be in a position to just double that because the number of granchildren has increased!

I was going to say this.
Plus you have kids you look after them dont expect others to do your job.

I think it depends. Ideally it would be fair but it doesn't always work that way. My mum helped me with my kids one day a week when they were preschool. 10 years on my brother had a baby but mum isn't as healthy as she used to be and looking after a baby / toddler is too much for her. She can quite easily host my 2 older kids who don't need much looking after sometimes. But she is conscious of the difference and was upfront with my brother and tries to see a lot of them still.

Maybe the thought of doing the newborn / toddler stage again is too much for her?

Because she has always favoured my brother over my sister and I. We had children first and she made it very clear, no childcare which I was fine with and absolutely her decision but then my Brother had kids and she did it for them. My relationship with my Mum will never be the same now and we are very low contact. I am going to make sure whatever I commit to first grandchild I can do for the rest, all being well.

Definitely a case of comparison being the thief of joy.

I mean technically first come first served isn't fair but I think when there's existing arrangements here it's not realistic to expect these to be changed for your needs.

Because jealousy leads to anger = hate = fall outs and drama and gets us nowhere.

So based on your comment here, you do expect SIL to use some of her nursery hours so they can look after yours?

Maybe they just don’t like you and feel your expectations of childcare so push back ? I’m not sure why you would have children if you needed someone to look after them ?

My sister got loads of support from mum and dad when she had her child.
I had very little.
However it was fair, she was by herself with one child and no other support at all.
Mum.and dad helping out enabled her to work and advance her career.
Also she had the first child by quite a few years and my parents were getting older.

I had a dh and his side of the family to support me.
You can't always do like for like with childcare. Theres too many different factors.