To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

Do you mean the DGP’s shouldn’t have rest days?

Because they have limited time and the spare time they have is going to the grandchildren that were there first.

Sounds to me like your H has sold you a bit of a pig in a poke. "It'll be great moving next door to my folks, we might have less privacy, but we'll have so much help with the kids!" If so, then your problem is most definitely with your H. He has persuaded you to do something most people would prefer not to, unless they love their in laws greatly, on the basis of a promise it was never his to make.

It’s been my experience with my in-laws even though we came first and even though my parents lived in another country and couldn’t help. As someone else said, the golden child’s children will be the golden grand-children.

It makes me look up to my amazing grandma - now well over 100 - even more. She never showed any favouritism and is one of the only person I know who has a truly united family around her. Her five children had to sign some paperwork recently and the lawyer in charge couldn’t believe it when they all turned up on time, agreed with everything and signed all necessary paperwork with no issues raised. He said he had never seen anything like it.

You reap what you sow…

My parents committed to helping me with my dog one day every three months when I broke up with my abusive ex. When first grandchild came along I was dropped like a stone and had to make alternative arrangements.

My parents have doted on the grandchild. As my brother isnt going to have anymore and they thought I wouldn't have kids.

I announced I was pregnant and they were all over me like a rash trying to make up for leaving me in the lurch. They then found out it's twins all of a sudden two babies trumps one toddler. The offers of help have been incredible. But as far as I'm concerned the damage has been done.

They had more time when the first grandchildren were born. Now they have an existing commitment to daughter and dont want to disturb their routine. They also know the amount of work involved in caring for young children and are a few years older.

I got lots of help with my first born. By the time second came a long 5 years later less. As parents now had 4 grandchildren so less able to help. If ther had been a hypothetical younger sibling that had a child they would also have got less help than I did with first child.

It isn't about what's fair. They are human beings it is about what help they are willing and able to give.

I don’t get the impression the OP feels entitled, just upset that her pil treat her dc differently or don’t offer as much support. I think, as other pp have said, due to sil’s dc arriving first and they’d possibly have to pull back on how much they offer the OP’s dc. I can empathise, I think I’d be resentful too.

You aren't entitled to any free childcare. If someone's kind enough to give it, that's great. I'm late fifties and could manage an older dc now but not a baby or toddler with my health conditions. You've no idea what's going on in people's lives.

I think the word 'expect' if your enemy here. Be as self sufficient as possible and anything extra is a bonus.

They have limited time and their daughter for in first.

Form a relationship with your parents and ask them.

Also why are you resentful? You chose to have children.

Honestly Op you need to chill. They are your in laws and how they decide to provide childcare or not is their choice. Sounds like you are causing arguments with your husband and issues with his family over your resentment.
The daughter’s children were born first and that childcare relationship became established. The children must be older than yours and likely easier work all round for grandparents as they have that established routine. You cannot dictate what rest days your husbands parents get and what days the daughters children do nursery to then demand they accommodate your children. Your husbands parents seem happy as they are. Your own husband doesnt seem to care. You need to stop feeling so entitled to free childcare by your husbands parents.

The more OP posts, the more I understand why they don't want to put themselves out to help her.

Awful indeed.

Nope, never expected the same childcare, or was offered it, and never felt jealous or offended by it.

They don’t owe you anything OP. Your children are your children.

Also your husband could just have this conversation with them.

Maybe their daughter doesn’t have expectations of them doing childcare, so they’re more willing to help.

This exactly, I was also a single mum with no practical family support at all, and just got on with it, and enjoyed it, no issues

Unfortunately, it’s reality for many families. We’ve heard lots of different (unprompted) justifications as to why SIL gets more childcare, and also trying to hide things they do with her kids (once again unprompted). At the end of the day it’s just how they prefer to spend their time. I genuinely think they are missing out on our children who are so much more loving, polite, grateful towards them than their cousins. It’s a bit of a cycle that golden children (and then their children) can sometimes be so spoiled it ruins them - they find it difficult to maintain relationships/marriages and don’t understand why the world doesn’t fall at their feet when mummy and daddy aren’t there. I’m going to work really hard to raise resilient, realistic, kind, unspoiled humans!

It’s a shame because it naturally leads to a much closer relationship with one set of grandchildren than the others.

Its happened with my dc. MIL was heavily involved in the childcare of SILs dc (one older, one younger than mine). They’re very close to those dc (which is nice, they are lovely, I don’t begrudge them this).

We never would have had that regular childcare due to distance which was obviously fine but they never offered anything at all. Have had them for a couple of weekends ever (they’re tween/teens now) and only see ours a couple of times a year and only if we make it happen. It’s a bit sad to be honest as my own mum is no longer around.

Technically, they should but in reality, if they have an established relationship and time earmarked for their DD's child, grandparents don't have enough time or energy to offer the same to another child. It's very common. It's OK to feel hurt by it.

You sound awful, OP. So entitled. I'm not surprised they don't want to help you.

but they are now more than a decade older, so of course they can't offer the same

What support do you need? What are you (plural - you and your husband) struggling with that you need their support?

That's not me being goady BTW, it's a genuine Q from someone who has never had any childcare support beyond paid for services.

You are not their daughter. If your husband has an issue he can take it up with his parents.

OP, why did you have children, if you weren't prepared to look after them yourself, or pay for childcare?

I'm a single mum, no family support, no partner, but I don't expect freebies. I've never had an issue.

You chose to be a parent with your husband. I bet you didn't consult the ILs beforehand, but seem to think it is your right to take away their retirement time. Can't you hear how entitled you are. Your children are your responsibility, not theirs.