To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

You either expect them to renage on their existing childcare arrangements and drop their daughter in it, or double the amount of time they're providing childcare, resenting them having rest days?

Yeah, that's unreasonable and entitled.

It's pretty obvious they already had their hands full with their pre-existing commitments before you decided to start a family. You should have forseen they didn't have the capacity to help.

If you and SIL were both asking at the same time, with no pre-existing arrangements I would expect time offered to be to roughly equal assuming no extenuating circumstances. But that's not the case here. You can't expect them to drop existing commitments because you decided to have a baby.

I think grandchildren should be treated equally but a daughter in law is not the same as daughter. I was much closer to my paternal grandparent and I actually saw them more often. However, I recognise from an early age that was differences in the dynamic between my aunt children and my dad's children. My grandmother had to be more careful. Additionally, my grandmother and mother disliked each other.

What unfairness? They already have a commitment and cannot add to that as they reserve themselves some rest days.

Why do you feel OP should be entitled to their rest?

How old are they ? Is there any chance they are struggling to do childcare and are reluctant to take any more on but don't what to actually say that. My parents look after my ds once a week. They are starting to struggle because they are old and will get stopping in a few weeks

Integer possibility - do the GP feel their daughter needs more help due to mental health or something else ?

If there is literally no reason I think it's unfair yes

It is unfair, but I can see how it can happen.

Your PILs will have a different relationship with their daughter than they do with you, and are likely to feel more comfortable looking after her children, because they don’t feel they’ll be “told off” for doing things differently to you - I’m not saying you would do this!!! but you only have to read all the MIL threads here to see that a grandmother might be nervous about upsetting a DIL by not doing things “right”.

If things were the other way around, ie you’d had children first and then SIL wanted half of your childcare to stop to accommodate her new children, then you might feel aggrieved that your PILs were reneging on promises/commitments, especially if you then had to find alternative childcare.

And depending on how old SILs children are, your PIL might have discovered that actually looking after very young children is very tiring at their age, and if they are now a few years older than when they first looked after SIL’s, they may feel it’s now too much for them.

This is on your DH. If he wants childcare, HE needs to ask and have that conversation, not you. Most real life MILs would not want to be too pushy, I know my mum and her friends worry more about offending their daughters in law than anything.

But equally, the first grandchildren DO tend to have the most attention. They were there first, the GPS will have a really strong bond with them etc.

You are, to an extent, trying to interfere with existing arrangements which was never going to go down well. They can't say to the grandchildren sorry, we can't hang out as much as there's a new baby now.

She said she “expects” it and and has said they should give up their rest days to provide her with free childcare.

That sounds entitled.

It’s very common for grandparents to favour their daughters’ children
Not right of course
Any conversation should be between your DH and his parents

Read your posts back @Notyourproblem , I’m not surprised that your in-laws are reluctant to upset their daughter by cutting her childcare as you come across as very entitled and unpleasant . Perhaps they are now getting older and feel less able than when they started looking after the grandchildren and they feel obliged to maintain their current commitment but don’t want to add to it .

How was the poster abrupt? She was only asking a question!

If you're usually so frosty then maybe that's why Pil don't have your DC more so they don't have to see you.

I think a mother would be more willing to “take over” or be critical of a daughter’s kids / parenting. She’s maybe worried about stepping on your toes. You do sound a bit feisty!!

I think this is for your partner to pick up with his parents. When my daughter was a lot younger my exPIL did more than my parents but she was an only grandchild. Now my parents do lots for her but she's 18yrs and can drive to them.
I do think its sad that they won't be able too do so much with my niece who is 12mtns and my brothers daughter. It's definitely not because they love her less but more because they are getting very old, my Mum couldn't confidently carry a baby up stairs due to bad knees or run around with her. Obviously my sister, daughter and I have said we will step when they need help but I can't reduce my hours or anything like that.

Maybe your SIL is just obviously grateful?

So you want an elderly couple to give up their days of rest to provide you with free childcare?

When should they be able to rest then according to you?

You sound truly awful and you are being completely selfish.

You sound very entitled with unreasonably high expectations. My dcs paternal grandparents had grandchildren before them and it would never have occurred to me to assume that I was entitled to however many hours of childcare that had previously been given to my SILs.

Your bitterness and resentment is misguided and misplaced.

Maybe your kids are annoying and hard work and they don't want to have them

Yes, you are being unreasonable.
They are adults like you and your husband, they choose who they like more, how they help more, who they are close to more and what to do. You will find GP that try not to make any favorite but some clearly have and although is shit you can't do nothing about it.
Well, you can. Create a better closer relationship with them and wait for them to reciprocate or create a drama complain about it.
I don't know when the rule of GP must be 50/50 comes from but at my 50 years old I can tell you that they are not the majority. And also you are correct usually the Daughter offspring is closer to them.
My advice is always expect nothing in this situations and then you will have nice surprises.
As I said is crap, but life is not fair.

Are you saying they should give up their rest days to give you the same amount of childcare?!

It's not fair, I agree that the older grandchildren get more care from them, but I think this is very common. Most grandparents wouldn't drop existing arrangements of childcare to look after much younger children.

If you had had your children at the same time as your SIL then it would be grossly unfair, but you must appreciate your in-laws are not getting any younger, and probably the thought of starting their childcare duties all over again with very young children is probably not appealing. Much easier to carry on with their older grandchildren who are probably out of nappies, and much better company than a toddler or younger.

Nothing to do,with Daughters or daughters in law
I have two
D 1 had a two year old...ha e her once a week when my D is at work ..I work and asked to reduce my hours to accommodate this.
D 2 pregnant ..when she goes back to work ..so about 15 months from now I shall ask work again if I can reduce my hours ...but if they say No ....then what can I do ?
I can't afford to not work
I can't suddenly say to D1 it's your sisters turn for my help ..unfair

I want to help both
I love my Granny Day and to have two would be wonderful

They can look after whoever they want, you don’t have children if you aren’t going to look after them and don’t want to pay for someone else to. Sounds like you are jealous.

OP, is it possible that the real resentment is towards your own parents who are not in the picture at all? It is often the case that mothers especially feel most connected to their daughter's children and most concerned for their daughter's wellbeing during pregnancy and in the early years. For whatever reason this is missing from your life, which is sad.

She does use the word "expect" and wants her husband to "pressure" them, and feels aggrieved that they allow themselves "rest days" - don't think you can get any more entitled, really

We had the same problem. ILs definitely prioritized brother’s family. They would even cancel on us for a rare babysitting event if brother or his wife called them.

ILs had their own rationalization for why brothers family was more important. They didn’t owe us anything, but favoritism still stings.

You are being very unreasonable to expect it. Families are complicated and they have an existing arrangement. You’re treating them like they owe you!

Young children are demanding and they deserve to be able to rest. Regular childcare is extremely demanding and many grandparents of friends (and my own) don’t offer it as it doesn’t give them any flexibility.

It seems as though they are in a routine that they enjoy as I’m presuming your SILs children are older, which is unfortunate but understandable. They don’t have to provide anything.

I agree but the disparity is stark. There are more options other than do everything or do nothing.