To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

The only other thing I can think of is do you treat her the same as you would treat your own mother? Is there something in the way you approach her that makes her see SIL so differently? Does SIL compensate for the childcare or put more effort into the relationship?

A lot depends on age and amount of care wanted. Looking after toddlers when you are 50 is easier than looking after toddlers when you are 60. So looking after one lot of grandchildren for 2 days a week may be tiring, but looking after another older lot for 2 days a week may not be so tiring simply because the older ones don't require as much looking after. Taking 4 children aged 7 to the park is probably a lot less demanding than taking one 2 year old that you constantly have to run around with

@CyanDreamer so you would expect GPs to stop childcare for one set of grandchildren to help out for another adult DC? What happens if one adult DC has 2 children and other adult DC has an only, how do you make it fair?

What happens if you have more than 2 adult DC and they all have children, how do you split your time?

Do you work? Number and ages of kids? Do you get on with your in laws in general? There’s a lot of context missing here. But, like most posters, I think you’re coming across as entitled. I found this especially gross:

But there are enough days in a week to help us all equally, it's just chosen to allow days for rest (between driving to SIL and cooking / cleaning for her)

Indeed. How dare they rest? Their time should be spent caring for the children you chose to have. 😑

You’re being a bit of a demanding person here, there’s already a support system in the place and what do you expect them to do, look after all the children to appease you?

all my children’s grandparents work… I have minimal support and I’m sure when SIL has hers there will be some who are retired. She’ll get more help, am I jealous no. I chose to have my babies and I’ll look after them. Also just because she gets free hours she doesn’t have to use them, time with grandparents is way more valuable. This suggests to me they’re around 2/4 and yours are younger. Which means you possibly qualify for free hours too?

also just bloody speak to them. They must be exhausted as it is. Maybe then need a break too? Or how about you and SIL work together and support each other has that ever crossed your mind?

Thing is if they have already committed to x days for gc1 this may be all they can manage and can't really drop original commitment.

This is astonishing.

"It's just chosen to allow days for rest".

What did you think you were achieving by contorting the sentence like this, did you think it sounded more objective than saying that the grandparents choose to take rest days instead of doing childcare seven days per week?

I would imagine that will be pretty difficult as you live next door and so can see every day how much time and attention they lavish on their other grandchildren and not yours.

Did you want to move next door to them or was it your DH's idea. Did he think that they would provide some help with your children?

I have the opposite problem. I wish my PIL would give us some space. My DH is the only one in the family with children and my PIL are absolutely obsessed with them. They need to constantly call, face-time and visit their grandchildren. They can't even go on holiday without needing regular video calls. I wish my DH's sibling had children to take the pressure off us.

of course they should cut the childcare and divide their current childcare time in 2.

I never understand people who play favourites with their children like that, and show they have a favourite. At least they're not your problem anymore.

It's sad for their son, having parents who clearly don't care, but it's not your fault.

@Notyourproblem what if there are a large number of years between grandchildren would you expect GPs to provide childcare into their late 70s/80s to make it fair?

Would you expect GPs to have no break so they can provide childcare?

I trusted my mum absolutely with my babies - she had brought up me and my sisters and brothers after all. My SIL was ‘PFB’ to the extent she once ordered my mum out of her house for telling her gc not to put hands all over the cakes at tea (and not in an angry way). The child was picking each cake up and then putting it down again. So that was that on the childcare front.

I think mums do feel more comfortable with their own daughters’ dc where childcare is concerned

She’s already made commitments with her daughter and her children. How old are your children and why can’t they go to nursery? If you’re not entitled to funded hours then that must mean that you and your husband earn over £100,000 so you can afford the fees.

they don't need to give up all their free time
they just need to split the childcare time in 2

so spend the same time doing childcare, but with both sets of grand-children.

if they are not interested because they have a favourite child, no need to bother with a relationship with them. They're not interested in the other set of grand-children, fine.

This has made me think, I give lots of my time to my DD and DSL and their children as I am their only support. DS & DDL, I do what I can but her mum is also very supportive. Can I just say also, we do get very tired especially if we are still working as not quite state pension age yet which is 67 for me.

I feel sorry for grandparents these days with so many entitled people expecting them to give up their lives to look after grandchildren. It's a favour and no one is owed free childcare. There was already an arrangement in place, it sucks that you didn't have kids first and get the free childcare but do you really expect them to give up all their time because of your choice to have children?

So your in laws aren't allowed days off because you decide it must be 'equal'. They don't exist just to cater to you and their daughter, they are allowed to have a life and entitled to spend their free time however they chose.

You sound so incredibly entitled its almost hard to believe.

If you get forgotten about childcare and they have a favourite child, then great. You don't have to put up with them, so it's no In-Laws intruding on your life.

See if SIL is that quick to help them out when they are elderly too, they're not your problem now. Win.

So her wanting her nieces / nephews childcare routine to be disrupted or the grandparents give up rest days is not entitled?

Ok.

If her husband made false promises her issue is with him.

You sound quite awful. What if OP's mum has died?

She said her DH said they'd get the same treatment as his ds and if they ask, they get pushback. I think she's allowed to feel aggrieved, I'm not really seeing entitlement unless it's because her DH foolishly promised more than his parents can/want to deliver.

This is the problem.

Both son and daughter should be helped or not helped roughly equally (if other things such as reasons for needing help are similar) but the daughter is asking for help and the son isn't.

If son says no help is needed, or simply doesn't ask, then the squeeky wheel gets all the oil.

Parents wouldn't normally go against their child because their child's spouse expects it.

Although regardless of asking they should try to see (not take sole charge of) the grandchildren roughly equally as they all live close by.

I don’t have brothers and it has been fascinating to observe how my in-laws treat their sons and daughter differently in general.

I don’t think they have a favourite child, it just seems they see their sons as more competent/self-sufficient and their daughter as dependent and needing more from them. This has led to them “being there” for her a lot more (including childcare). My husband has never expressed upset but there have been times he too might have benefited from more guidance from them.

That being said, among my own cousins, one of the men is the one that gets all the help with childcare and I know it causes strife between him and his sister.

Fairness is important to you, you say, as you feel entitled to organise other people’s time and priorities for your own convenience. Unbelievable hubris. How about taking care of your own children? You had them - you look after them, instead of trying to find ways in which you can foist them onto others.