To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

@CyanDreamer do you have a limit on how many grandchildren you expect GPs to look after at a time, how many years you expect them to do childcare, how many hours they should do?

We had the first grandchildren and still is dh’s sister who got and gets all the childcare. Both married own homes.

Sil got two days a week full time childcare plus a weekend day. When they started school she now picks them up at least once a week along with the weekend and an evening still every week. Sil is a teacher and this continues in the summer holidays. They also holiday together aboard and uk.

Last time we asked for an hour we were well and truly on the clock and that was 3 years ago now.

As such our children have no time for their grandparents because their grandparents never have time for them. Clocks ticking as our eldest is now a couple of years from being an adult and our youngest is nearly finished primary. While the sils children have barely started school.

It grated on dh. His had words but it’s deaf ears and it’s their loss and I hope their precious daughters children never decide they are too old and boring in comparison to their dads parents. Which we know they will then they will because dads family are fun, end up with zero grandchildren interested in them.

I can understand where you are coming from, I would feel exactly the same.

But you'll likely have years of help when SIL kids are older & don't need looking after.

But the son hasn't asked for more childcare. It's the OP who is directly asking her ILs and complaining she's getting "push back".

I think sometimes the DDs children are favoured, sometimes it's the first GC. With my late MIL it was sex of the baby, she didn't want a GS.

I was lucky as my own mother was very involved so didn't bother me.

Maybe she feels she made a commitment and has to honour that or maybe it is favouritism. It is obviously hurtful for you but you probably can't change it.

why should the OP's husband ask his own in-laws first, before asking his own parents...

nailed it.

No drama, no fight and resentment, just simple common sense.

How old are your DC compared to your SIL ? Just wondering if there’s a big difference ? I certainly don’t have the same energy with my youngest grandchild that I had with older ones .

I think you have a cheek to expect this of them without even asking this from your own parents first

So when your IL's are elderly and need care, will you be stepping up completely equally to your SIL? Since you want to be treated exactly the same...

usually it's the child who benefited from the most help who disappear when it's their turn sadly.

Plus it's not up to the OP to take care of elderly in-laws, childcare should be for their SON. Why playing favourite with their daughter?

Commitments change all the time. They are quite able to say "your brother now needs help. We are able to provide 4 days a week help which you have always benefited from, but now this helps needs to be shared with your brother"

I know! Astonishing is the word for it. I actually read it twice, as my brain refused to accept that anyone could be that entitled.

OP is a real piece of work.

So your idea that grandparents should spend the week looking after kids from each sibling every day and have weekends off ? What ? You really don't do yourself any favours here OP . Your only interest seems to be what people can provide you with for free . Not ever mentioned the relationship just childcare .

Can you give some examples, OP, of what childcare your inlaws give to the other family, and what they do for yours?

So when your IL's are elderly and need care, will you be stepping up completely equally to your SIL? Since you want to be treated exactly the same...

I have to say I won't be. I will look after my own mum and expect my DH and his siblings to look after theirs when the time comes. I won't be giving my FIL sponge baths or whatever.

It makes perfect sense to me that the GPs are willing to put themselves out more for their DD than for their DIL. You say it's you asking for more childcare, not their actual DS (your DH). I think yabu.

Long as they make a healthy effort to see the children & yourselves, yabu. Its their choice, maybe looking after SIL kids knacker them out and they cant do anymore days.

not stop, but split it.

hat happens if one adult DC has 2 children and other adult DC has an only, how do you make it fair?
pretty sure it's the same amount of childcare, they don't need to host them separately 😂

What happens if you have more than 2 adult DC and they all have children, how do you split your time?
equally, how hard can it be?

I dont' know their life or arrangements but some might need day childcare, others occasional weekend childcare, or some days during the holiday. People are not robot, but if you do 1 day a week, surely you alternate between the kids?

This is MN op, you aren't supposed to ask for childcare from family. Back in the real world of course it's not fair. My MIL splits childcare/seeing the DC equally, always has.

Can't disagree, I'm just saying I do feel pissed off too.

I also wondered something similar to that that. Just going on this thread- is it possible she experiences you as prickly or quick to be offended, and worries that it will be a wedge between you, rather than something to bond over.

If they live next door do they have time with you and your DC @Notyourproblem? Did you move next door primarily so they would be expected to provide childcare?

Do they help you in other ways eg financially?

absolutely- I can’t give the same help to child no 2 as I did 15 years ago to child no 1 simply because i’m not so fit. And if child 3 ( still single) ever has children I’ll be in my late 70’s so obviously wouldn’t be doing 2 long days of childcare a week.
Bit different if you have children of similar ages though, that sounds mean. I’d be offering half my time to each if I was in that position

I'm a GP and DH and I do childcare for our DS and DIL. We don't for DD on a regular basis but do for holidays etc. I have to say that it is bloody exhausting! Despite the fact that we really want to help them and love them more than life itself! When DDs DCs came along, as they live slightly further out anyway logistically it wouldn't have worked for work childcare. And actually we would really struggle doing another set of childcare on a regular basis.

We're also still young(ish) late 50s and no health issues but it's still long days and hard work and we're also retired so want to enjoy our retirement too. It was never in my thoughts to reduce DS childcare to make way for DD. It has never been a conversation we have had or been asked. It's a tricky one but I think YABU expecting them to childcare for you on a regular basis too.

Do the other GP’s help out equally? I mean the PIL of your SIL?

What age are your PIL? Could it be that they just haven’t the energy any more to look after very small children? My Mum did one overnight stint when ours were 9 months and just 3, she was absolutely knackered the next day. She would have been 66 at that time.