To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

If you live next door your children can have a different relationship with GPs. It’s nice for GPs to have relaxed time with grandchildren rather than having to provide childcare

Maybe you should have had children first

Maybe they regret committing so much time to childcare for the first grandchildren and don’t want to make further commitments? Regular childcare is a lot to ask and they may not have realised what a commitment it is the first time round when they offered to do it.

Maybe they are a bit older too and finding it harder to look after young children?

Youre resentful because you don't have your own support from your own mother. Her mother is supporting her dd and has for quite awhile. She is not someone who should be dicated to and told to split herself and divide herself to provide further childcare regardless if it means providing less to her dd. She might find older children easier than smaller children. Feel more comfortable as they are her dd dc not her dil. Grandparents shouldn't be defaco childcare. We got zero childcare from inlaws yet they have provided childcare to dd. We just got on with it. We choose to have children not them they are our responsibility and my own parents were too ill to provide childcare for us.

Most parents (mothers especially) will do more for their daughters DC, but sometimes this is just because the relationship is easier, and we see all the time on here GP prevented from spending time with GC, mainly by DIL’s who aren’t happy for many reasons (some maybe justified, some not). In my situation I feel my parents were pretty equal, though I had more help in the early years with DS1 as I was a teen parent, but then by time DS2 and DD came along, i’d moved away and they probably babysat less than a dozen times (and always just an evening, as I was always there with them).

Ex’s parents never babysat. Never asked to. Also never babysat for their other 2 son’s DC. MIL just not very maternal. I was glad, as I didn’t fully trust her, so made it much easier. We just paid for childcare, and it made my life overall a lot easier. It was tough with DS1 when my parents were not following my rules, and whenever I said no, they said yes. DS1 is lovely, but he has some traits I blame on the mixed messaging. Honestly, it’s easier just to parent yourself and pay for childcare.

What do you want help with? Daytime and pay less nursery? They sound pretty busy already and your comment on them choosing to rest instead of having your DC is a bit unfair. It’s a lot harder to care for children when older. Is it evening babysitting? Plan in advance and beat SIL to it. When do her DC start school? Maybe get your DH to chat to SIL and say would you be willing to drop x day so parents can help me out. I don’t think it should be automatic she gets all the help as she had kids first.

@Notyourproblem i could have written this. I am married to the son, SIL also married and we all work full time. They were given 3 days per week for both children (a 2 hour drive away), we were offered 1. She stopped doing any childcare for them when we had our little boy but has now gone back to them to do 4 days of wrap around care and has also now moved to the same town as them after being close to us. My dad moved away years ago and my mum died when I was young so I have no one in my family to help. It feels so unfair.

Playing Devil’s Advocate but she may not want to let down her dd to incorporate looking after your child too.
Also depending on her health, she may not find it as easy to look after a young child compared to when her other GC were younger.
The fact that your h has stopped asking provides MIL with a convenient excuse- she can’t provide childcare as she assumes that you don’t need it anymore.
Also your h might think that he has a great relationship with his parents but that could be dependent on him going along with the SIL is golden child dynamic. He may not be able to see it because he’s lived like that all of his life or he may not want to admit it because of the emotional repercussions.

If my kids have kids then I would like to think that I’d be fair but if one was single or had circumstances like they had a job that involved night shifts eg police then I would be more accommodating in their favour.

It just doesn’t work as you think it should I’m afraid!

My sibling had the grandchildren first and got the childcare. I had my children a few years later and my mother was already fully commuted to the first grandchildren and had limited time for mine. Those are the breaks I’m afraid. Now our kids are becoming older my children have a very close relationship with my MiL and not really my Mum. My sibling’s children have a very close relationship with my mother.

Does sil and her dh both work full time? Do you and your dh both work full time?

No it's not.

The fact you think it's rude just adds to how entitled you are already coming across.

It's irrelevant. If you left your DM to live in a different country. If your DM has passed away. If your DM simply can't be bothered. If your DM doesn't feel confident enough. If you don't get on with your DM. Whatever the reason is that you don't have your DM (or either of your parents) "in the picture."

Either way, you are blaming someone else's mother for treating her own daughter differently to you, when actually it's your own mother's absence which is causing the disparity. Don't resent your MIL for the gap your DM has left.

It’s not just about the childcare. It’s about the relationship that the childcare makes happen with the children.

So like ours. The in-laws are super close to their daughter’s children. They know almost nothing about ours, couldn’t tell you what they like.

So come Christmas or birthdays, they get nice thoughtful things, ours have always been cash because they don’t know what to buy them. Our children stopped asking to see their grandparents on that side because they would always be there so they would never get any kind of just them and grandparents time. So they have been shown they are not important enough to them to want to spend time with them.

I think it's probably very difficult to do childcare fairly for adult dc. Dgc come along at different times and their own dd just got there first. If they've already committed to childcare for their dd, i think it's U to expect them to drop some or change their own activities so you can have it and if they offer you both equal amounts they'd basically be doing full time childcare which is too much for GPs imo. If yours had been born first perhaps your sil would be posting this?

im not sure if it’s a daughter thing, i am the daughter, more of maybe a first grandchild thing, regular child care was given, and is still given to my brothers children, my youngest is around 10 years younger than the oldest grandchild and they don’t get much of a look in, don’t get me wrong odd babysitting here and there but i’ve had no where near the support my brother had when his children were small.

I think it is largely a case of whoever has kids first gets most access to childcare. Grandparents age and thus get increasingly tired from doing all the small child childcare for a second time, and I suspect they are shocked at how exhausting it is compared to when they were in their 20s and 30s. I imagine their enthusiasm for helping is waning by the year. I wouldn’t imagine there is a lot of energy a few years later to take on nappies etc for a third time.

Additionally, grandparents are likely to have a more casual and closer relationship to their daughter and so are more familiar with her trials and tribulations in life, and have more awareness of how much she needs their support. Your need is likely as high, but they are less likely to feel it - unless your DH is sharing HIS childcare needs, and general life issues with them as frequently as his DSis is. It should be your DH requesting childcare rather than you, if you are looking for more “fairness”. However, I think the main issue is that they feel more comfortable with the older DGC and their care is firmly established and easier to do.

FWIW, I did not expect my own DM to do any daycare to allow me to work, even though I live near her, and provide the bulk of her and my DF’s support. I was also a single parent on a low income so childcare would have really helped me out. DM would never have come to my home to support me but she did do some child care if I brought DC to her house overnight on the weekend, and this was really helpful at times. DPIL did not help out.

I would see it as a potentially limited childcare provision, think about what would be most helpful to you and your DH, and then have him ask, from his POV.

I feel sorry for these grandparents. They have a DD whose children they seem to be responsible for, along with cleaning and cooking for their DD. Instead of their DIL being horrified at this, she wants her piece of the pie too 🙈 Pay for your childcare instead of putting these grandparents under more pressure. It's not their job! They don't owe you "fair." They are probably doing too much as it is.

Well because they have already had their kids and raised them. They may feel like they made a rod for their own back with their other grandchildren and now see how hard it is when you’re older. Unable to commit to anything week to week. I am guessing they’re setting firmer boundaries now so they don’t end up shattered.

I don’t necessarily think their support should be 100% equal, as all other things are never equal.

My in laws gave their other son and his wife lots more support than they give us - for our second child anyway (first child they gave similar) but whilst I was inwardly annoyed when they told us they could help with DS anymore I understood when I looked at it objectively. They were in mid fifties when they started helping out BIL and SIL and later 60s but the time our youngest came along. We live a bit further away, I have my own parents nearby who can help a bit and their other grandparents were about 400miles away. I don’t necessarily think it’s about preference to daughters.

@Notyourproblem My brother and his children get more childcare from my parents than I do, I've always been more independent and tbh I sometimes think dB takes the piss! My mum has my sc when I am her to, I just set it at my responsibility to provide childcare, she drives an hour every week to DBs to pick his children up, and hour before he gets home from work when there is a perfectly good after school club they could go to for that hour. They have 2 children and have never paid for any childcare. I have but I don't begrudge my parents for that, because I think my brother's demands are unreasonable and would never ask the same

I think you do sound very entitled OP, there is no automatic right to childcare from grandparents. Maybe they sense your attitude towards them as you sound rather bitter in your comments, maybe they don’t want to get too involved with you.
It’s a simple fact that on the whole mothers are closer to daughters than sons it’s just a biological fact that is played out time after time in families every day.
You chose to have your child and it’s your full responsibility to care for that child, they are under no obligation to you.
You say you live next door, you’re walking a tightrope by letting your resentment fester, just get over it and appreciate the small things they do for you.

If you needed help to raise your children maybe you shouldn’t have had them. We get zero help for varying reasons (distance, ability due to illness and death) but even prior to a couple of those reasons it didn’t factor into our plans. SIL had kids first so essentially you’re not only asking for same childcare but if that also means a reduction in here you’re also asking for her to change. I’m sure if the shoe was on the other foot you’d be complaining about having to find other childcare due to a new grandchild so…….

You sound very entitled and need to stop acting like a spoiled brat.

My mum always said 'babies belong to their mothers'. If your daughter is the one with the baby, of course you'll be closer.

I only have sisters no one a "golden child". Because of the order we had our children my mum cared for mine less. She felt bad about it but when your first grandchildren are born you don't limit childcare because of others that may or may not be born.
To make it fair to my children I've actually not offered and only do actual childcare in emergencies. I see them often and am very involved in their lives but not as a carer.