To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

That’s a bit harsh to a lot of posters, who have detailed why it’s not feasible.

Something to point out - if you live next to them you'll like have to look after them when they need more help compared to SIL. Did you move on the agreed understanding they would help?

My parents solved this problem by doing nothing for any of their children. I am actually ok with this approach.

My IL did more for us than for husband's sibling (actually only an occasional week staying with us while I had to travel for work), which has led to years of resentment from them. Because they have conveniently forgotten that she is disabled and they live in an apartment that she can't get to in a different country to her!

I agree that you need to consider grandparents point of view in this. Sil already has kids and an agreement was established re: childcare that's already in place. That can be awkward to go back on.

In between then and your kids coming along they've also got older. They also may feel less able to safely manage more children at the one time. So their options are therefore to either reduce the hours they've already committed to and which sil and the kids are in the routine of, or they refuse to take on any more. Either way they are letting someone down/ affecting someone. So it's probably been easier and less uncomfortable for them to set a new precedent going forwards as they don't feel able to manage adding to their commitment but also are in a routine that presumably works for them and the kids involved?

I'm also wondering what ages the kids are - I know my parents don't mind watching my sisters kids as they are older and able to do a lot themselves whereas I know they don't really want to watch my toddler because he needs a lot more from them so it's more physically and mentally demanding. There's also a 10 year gap in between my sisters youngest and my ds and my parents are clearly in a different mindset re: how they want to spend their retirement and are easier tired now. Therefore my sister has never paid for childcare for any of her kids and I pay a small fortune for 5 days a week nursery for mine. But in the long run I also don't want him somewhere where he's either unsafe because someone can't keep up with him, or generally unwanted. Plus I know he gets much more in terms of socialising and development and learning at nursery than he would put in front of the TV at my parents.

What you could maybe get dh to talk to them about because you mentioned he won't ask them for more ( you also can't really resent them not doing what he's not asking them to do) is quality time to build relationships as a grandparent relationship is important and you're both worried that as your kids all get older, they might notice that sils kids get a lot more quality time with them than your kids do. So maybe they block in some quality time for your kids on a regular basis at an interval that works for them. Such as once a month they go and do something fun or whatever. Or maybe this is something for the future when your kids are bigger and need less care/ lifting etc and are more likely to actually have memories of those times?

Its a tricky one as obviously if they have a routine going to the grandchildren that what here first and firmed bonds, it may be they dont have the energy for any more than that?!
Child care is exhausting both emotionally and physically.
I have 5 grandchildren and have them 1 at a time, fairly regularly and for some its for weekends , some for small holidays, and 2 get regular pocket money by standing order and 3 have it when I see them.
Its a routine. I couldn't add more to that but would like to lessen it sometimes, then I look at their faces and say its fine.
We do get tired and do like time to ourselves too.

I read these threads because I am jealous of anyone having help from grandparents. DH and I have had none (all grandparents too busy with retirement). DC is three. SIL (DH’s sister) had help from MIL all the time and now her child is an adult. MIL had help from both grandparents.

For the grandparent’s, lifting a coffee to their mouths (that we make) while juggling DC, is the most they can offer.

You are treating your mother in law like she does not deserve to have a decent retirement herself. You are asking her to double her (probably unpaid) hours of work just because you have had a baby.

Looking after children can be exhausting for grandparents. As you get older it gets harder and harder. Having looked after SIL children she will now known this and is more likely to decide to (attempt to) retire from this unpaid exhausting job altogether.

The baby is yours, you need to parent, or get the free childcare that is available if you need to work. Grandparents need to be grandparents, visit and help out when possible, not be expected to be endless regular free childcare.

Unfortunately for you your SIL had children first and has had the benefit of childcare. You definitely cannot expect the same, thats not how it works. Spare a thought for the wellbeing of your MIL. Be grateful, many mums have no grandparents or family to call on, even for occasional help.

You want your mother in law to be as nice to you as she is to her daughter.
It just isn't the same is it?
It's not looking after her son's kids versus her daughter's kids
Its literally looking after her daughter versus her daughter in law.
Now if she were to give your kids less money then yeah I could understand
But you're literally wanting her to support you like a daughter.
Maybe manage your expectations?
Like I can only talk about my nephews, I look after my sister's kids but never my brother's kids.
My sister and I have a relationship, me and my sister in law are friendly but no more than that.
I can't just go over there and knock on the door there's boundaries
I can just turn up my sister's and stay the day and she'll feed me
I'll take her kids out etc
Houses are basically run by the matriarchy, so your house is not as comfortable as her own daughter's house
Just accept it.

I don't think things always can be equal, it's like that in all areas of life. It should be based on individual circumstances and needs. My DB gets way more childcare from DP than me but I don't really ask as much. Either way, it's your DH's battle and he should be the one asking. I'd never ask my PIL for childcare, I expect my DH to do that and he has done when needed without me having to tell him.

My sons were treated very differently to my husband's sister's kids - her children had overnight stays at MIL's, were taken on day trips, on holidays, and to various parties. The extent of it all became evident when MIL died and her daughter's AC did a eulogy about all the happy times they'd had with her and her husband.

I wouldn't stay living next to my parents in law under those circumstances. See if you can move to wherever it was you wanted to live before your husband mentioned to potential childcare.

I didn't notice if you mentioned how old your ILs are. As you get older you just cannot cope as well as when you are younger. I'm in my 60s and couldn't do more than a couple of days a week looking after young children, even my own grandchildren.

It sounds like your DH needs to explain to his parents and sister that you would like your DCs to have some childcare too, both to help you and for them to get their grandparents better, and to ask if there is a chance of dividing childcare up a bit more equally.

Grandparental childcare is a wonderful thing, but it should never be relied on, expected or taken for granted, apart from anything else if grandparents become unwell you can be left scrabbling round for alternatives is an emergency.

I don’t think you should “expect” anything. When SIL had her DC, your ILs were younger and had less commitments. So your situation isn’t the same. Perhaps their energy levels are less than they were. Perhaps they don’t want to over commit themselves. I’m not in favour of everything having to be the same in order to be “fair”. Things are rarely that black and white. You are BU to expect them to offer childcare which they might not feel able to.

The details are important for context though. My parents helped once a week with childcare, but dd is 13 now so if my sister had a baby they're over a decade older. They're having dd overnight since on so we can go out but obviously she's pretty independent now so just needs some food and company rather than hands on care. A little one is very different. They love spending time and chatting to her because she's great company but I don't think they could cope with broken sleep or running around a toddler.

It's not about entitlement, it's just circumstances change so you're not comparing fairly. Or maybe you are... you won't share enough information to say. But everyone is allowed to have limits and boundaries I'm afraid. You just need to consider the benefits of having a good relationship with grandparents on grandchildren in your calculation l. My in laws make far less effort with my dd than her daughter's children but I try to focus on creating the best relationship I can as it's good for dd. It's not always easy though!

Depending on circumstances, I personally don't think siblings should expect the same amount of childcare from grandparents.

Out of me and my brother, I was closest to my mum, she loved us equally the same but my brother and his wife were the first to have children.

By the time, I had children, my mum had already made childcare commitments for my brother's children and although she was happy to look after mine, she couldn't commit to the same amount of childcare because it would have just been too exhausting for her.

I would never have tried to guilt my mum into changing her commitments she had made with my brother and his wife and I wouldn't have wanted that for my nephew's either, changing their routine for my own benefit.

It never stopped her loving her grandchildren all the same and she never treat them any differently.

If they've had years of childcare then the children are fully toilet trained, eating alone and probably even capable of occupying themselves. I couldn't imagine anything worse than raising my children, then having to do grandchildren and then when im even older being expected to do it again.

I absolutly have a fininite amount of time left that I will deal with babies. If 1 of my children use that up then im not going to put myself out and use up my free time to do it again years later.

But its an important point.

My MIL has grandchildren from nearly 30 down to 2.

She did loads more in terms of baby sitting for the older ones with over nights etc. Still does alot for the younger ones but its easier with the pre teens and ones closer to 10 than ones who haven't started school.

She's in her 70s! She started helping with grandchildren in her 40s. So it isnt even about time but energy.

I have big age gaps and am in my 40s. I will not be doing regular childcare for my grandkids. We already have adult kids and some grandkids. We work and will be in my 60s. Once I retire I will be wrecked the energy I have I will spread as much as I can but I also plan to travel and enjoy not working.

The other thing to consider is age. When my parents started looking after my DNs they were sprightly and in their early 60s - they were off to parks and swimming and all sorts of adventures. When mine came along 6 years later they were approaching 70 and I just don’t think they had the same energy. By that stage my DNs were older and less needy but looking after little ones, even for a few hours, really wore out my mum.

Things change over years and the grandparents may quite rightly feel older and less able to have your children as much, or not realise what they were getting into to start with.
You can't ever expect help from anyone I'm afraid, your kids your problem!
I'll only ever ask my mum in extreme cases, she works full time and is on her own. I'm a single parent and know sorting holiday/holiday clubs etc is my responsibility, and mine alone.
I wouldn't begrudge a sibling if they had children later and my mum had retired by that point. She simply wasn't in a position at the time.
Yabu to expect like for like care I'm afraid.

I could have written this, but it's DH's brother, not sister (he has two brothers), so I don't think that makes much difference.

In our case, it was a myriad of reasons:

1. BIL's children came first.
2. BIL is the golden child.
3. He's also a man-child, takes no personal responsibility and is a bit useless.
4. MIL thrives on being needed so panders to BIL as it also suits her.
5. The mother of BIL's DC was very young when she got pregnant and was also a bit useless - they're no longer together and BIL has majority custody.

I was originally quite resentful, but thankfully I've got past that now mostly - would recommend looking up the Let them theory, it's very freeing.

It is quite easy. If you think you can do 2 days childcare a week and you have 2 children, you only offer 1 day a week to your first child.

I really don't think YABU. People on here are so weird about grandparents providing any support. My mum was going to offer my sister two full days of childcare when she went back to work but my dad said to just offer one otherwise they'd have to offer me two as well if I had children, and then they'd lose more than half their week. There's no way they'd give my sister more childcare just because she had her kids first, unless there were extenuating circumstances.

I kind of had the same from my parents as I was the last to have children. Although they didn’t do weekly commitment for by DGC they definitely looked after my sister’s kids the most. They were older and more tired by the time mine came along! Pre-school I think they looked after one of my DS twice for a day. My PIL didn’t do any for any of us.

Basically what's fair is important to you, as long as you are getting what you want.

As a grandparent, how comfortable and trusting the parents are about you with their children makes a difference.

If you’re constantly worrying about breaking rules or facing impatient looks because you may do things slightly differently, you may feel less inclined to step in. On the other hand, if your help is received with genuine grateful love and trust, you want to do it more.

How the parents present you to their children makes a massive difference too. Are they taught to value and respect you, that you’re equal to their parents? If you gently tell a child not to do something you find unacceptable, does their mum (your daughter or daughter in law) look to see if the child is obeying or give you the daggers for interfering? Lots of small nuanced things which may or may not be part of an in-laws cultural expectations of family make you more inclined to relax when caring for a set of grandchildren.

Whatever we like to think, it is more likely to be the daughter or daughter in law who is doing the wife work of organising child care and it’s more likely to be the actual daughter who has instinctive trust of her own mum to not need a supervising eye which can feel critical. And when there are differences in expectations, it may be easier to sort that out without awkwardness with a daughter than a daughter in law. Rupture is more likely to lead to repair when you’ve had her own teen years to practice!

There may be more egg shells involved with a DIL.

I think it’s just the luck of the draw really. I’m sorry you don’t feel fairly treated, especially if it affects your children’s experiences of their grandparents. That bit is sad.