To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

YANBU but it isn’t how it works with either my In-laws or my own family. There are a multitude of reason given for other people being more deserving. Mostly because they have the sympathy vote whereas I’m too proud to beg.

Does your DH ever ask for childcare or does it always come from you? If it's coming from you, although it's not right, then their daughter is going to take precedent.

Also, I have 3 siblings. All of us have kids. One sibling takes the lions share of childcare from our DM because they are more vocal about it. Doesn't bother the rest of us but if your SIL is always asking and your DH doesn't ask then that is why SIL gets all the childcare over you.

@Notyourproblem - I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. When we had our daughters my parents helped out a couple of days a week. When my brother subsequently had his first we adjusted so they did one day for us and one for my brother. I would never have dreamed of letting a situation start where my parents helped us regularly to the point it limited their ability to help my brother & to get to know their new grandchild. I’m astounded so many people think that’s fine. It’s utterly unfair, from the pov of the relationship the various grandchildren will have with their grandparents even if not from the pov of the financial assistance & added flexibility for the parents that were first to have kids.

I didn't say it was normal to help your DD more than your DS. Please read my post again.

I also hope that you are treated equally as a grand-parent, all too often the MN mantra is that the paternal grandparents are second class citizens.

But they dont get it.

Because its always trotted out how much more comfortable women feel with their own mother and its absolutely ridiculous that MILs wouldn't get that.

But when that closeness that a MIL may experience with their own dds and it isnt swinging a DIL direction then its a problem.

The details matter though. I've practically co-parented my DD's children (useless ex), but after 10 years I couldn't do another baby, or toddler. I could do the odd hour/wrap around, but I'm done looking after very young children, not just physically, I need the mental break. If I had another child with a newborn/toddler, I couldn't offer what I've done for the first set. Aging matters, even if you are 'fit and well'. I hear how knackered everyone is, in my peer group, because of childcare expectations.

Yes, lots of people don't have parents or don't have contact. But why is it the IL's responsibility to fix?

As a DIL, I interact differently with my mum than with my ILs. For example, I am fully prepared to do whatever it takes to look after my mum when she's elderly. I've already helped when my dad died of cancer.

I am not prepared to go to the same lengths for my ILs. I won't be cleaning their house regularly, or giving them sponge baths, or helping them go to the toilet or whatever. That's for my DH to do. I will facilitate him helping by looking after things at home, but that's as far as I'll go.

I also don't expect the same level of love and support from my ILs as I do from my mum. If I ever divorced their son, I expect I'd never see them again. Whereas with my mum, I know she's always be in my life no matter what.

This sums it up exactly.

I agree with you. I've experienced a similar situation. SIL's children now also have a very close relationship with MIL which is very obvious when we're together as a group. The favouritism is just continuing down a generation.

It's too circumstantial. You don't know your SIL's full situation, while she may appear to have things sorted you don't know her in the intimate way her parents do, so don't know why she might need more or less help.

Helping out with childcare is great for the grandkids, but often a favour to the parents. Of course a parent is going to favour their own child over a child's partner. If it were your husband asking, I wonder if they might be more forthcoming, but choosing between helping you or your SIL is a no-brainer. Further to that, coming from an older generation, I wonder if childcare still feels like the woman's job to them, so that further entrenches why they'd be more inclined to help your SIL's kids over yours - while your husband is their son, it's not his "job" to look after the kids, so again that would be a favour for you (I obviously don't subscribe to this view).

Perhaps also, living next door, you get a lot of mini-help, while SIL gets more substantially noticeable help. My mum lives near my sister, so is often over for an evening here and there, pops over at the weekend, during her lunch break and so on. I live further away so she has to take whole weekends, or sometimes comes with a laptop to work from here and help out. This seems to cause a lot of jealousy, despite my sister ultimately getting more help.

OP, do you really want to be living so close to them?
Because it must be annoying to be living so close to them, if they have expectations of their son, but all their time and effort is supporting their other grandchildren.

Perhaps you don't want to live so close to them?

I totally agree with this. I strongly disagree with the idea that the first set of children/grandchildren get the childcare and it's just tough for the rest because they were born later. It's not just about the help/childcare, it's about the fact that the first set of Grandchildren are going to end up with a totally different relationship with their grandparents. You should only commit to one what you can do for the others, barring it course any changes in circumstances like health etc.

My SIL has had 14 years so far of 3-5 days a week of help from her parents and BIL has also had help before they moved to Canada while DH has had to ask weeks in advance since the birth of DS1. Her second and our first are two weeks apart with our first the oldest.

I never expected equal amount but thought they would at least offer to spend time with ours alone for 60-90 minutes at least once a year. They didn’t and I accepted that is their choice. There’s no crazy backstory, never stopped them from seeing our kids, I was more than accommodating and just stopped putting in energy after years of realising that our children just don’t factor that much. I had to gift a framed picture because they didn’t have any of our children up despite the countless pictures DH and I have sent. There is a framed picture that says grandchildren and ours are not in it but DH’s cousin’s children are. Wondering what’s going to happen when one of our kids questions sees this and ask where they are and what the answer will be.

What their daughter doesn’t know is that they moan every time about the childcare they provide for their daughter when they visit us for our children’s birthdays. I just leave and go to another room since they’re moaning to the son that has to ask just to get 90 minutes, on the birthdays of our children. They’re vocal about everything else yet can’t tell their daughter it is too much, when daughter also has a MIL who is available and local and their children are the only grandchildren on their father’s side. The father’s MIL also alters the kids uniforms from what MIL tells me.

The side effect of having so much help is that the grandparents may become a second set of parents and have more input than you may desire. The arguments I’ve had to hear about one or both grandparents overstepping has made me eyeroll (both sister and parents complain to DH), You desire that much childcare, be prepared for decisions about the children to be likely a group effort.

Has it occurred to you that they might not want you doing anything for them? I get on with DsIL but no thanks, I'll pay for any care I need.

No it is not normal to want to help your DD more than your DS.
Most reasonable people like to treat their children and grandchildren the same.
My brother was the golden child.

Then mils need to remember that when they want equal treatment when dils just given birth and they want the grandbaby and it’s not fair.

My SIL feels the same way as you do about my relationship with my own mother. She thinks everything needs to be exactly the same. I just think it’s unrealistic, my Mum gave birth to me and my SIL entered our lives in her 30s - it will never be the same. Of course my DM loves my brother and his children, but I have been far closer to my Mum than he has. I’ve just got off the phone to her, she’s been boring me with details about my Auntie’s hip operation, we’re going shopping tomorrow for wallpaper for her spare room, my brother would just never entertain the same intensity of relationship, it would drive him mad. Mine and my mother’s relationship has been built on 40 years of love and closeness. She one hundred percent tries to treat all the grandchildren the same but I talk to my Mum every day without fail, she knows our lives inside out, and I just know it’s not like that with my DB and SIL.

But my SIL lets her bitterness show, so me and my Mum have to play things down. Her and my Dad are going to Spain in a few weeks and have invited us, but I’ve said no as it will cause tension with SIL. I never ask her to babysit as I know she will be obliged to offer to have my brothers 3 kids.

It’s got nasty in the past and I know my parents are wary of her and like I said we play it all down. Essentially she’s quite jealous of the relationship I have with my parents. It’s sad really.

All of those people saying it's totally normal to do more for your own children than for your inlaws- you do realise your inlaws are married to your child right? What if the inlaws don't have parents/don't see them? Do they just have to go without?

This blatant favouritism (of usually daughters) is often one of the reasons MIL/DIL relationships are strained. Yes, I get you likely won't ever love a DIL in the same way as your own daughter, but at least they to keep things equal and fair where possible and pretend!!

If and when I'm fortunate to have a DIL I'll be well aware that she's my son's most important person in the world and I would want to do anything to help her out/take the pressure off where possible.

Same for my mother. She was 39 when I surprised her with GC no 1, and GC no 2 came around (via DB and SIL) within 18 months.

My mum’s eldest GC is 32, and her youngest 3. With a few more in the middle. She can’t possibly give the same to DB and SIL (DB’s 2nd wife so this is her 1st child, but DB’s 3rd) as she is over 70 now. She doesn’t do any childcare at all, and SIL’s parents are overseas. I am currently not close enough to offer help, but am relocating next year much closer so will offer some help to my DB. Can’t be daytime but after school once he starts maybe once a week and weekends if ever needed (have already offered weekend if they fancy a holiday, but they haven’t felt able to leave DN as yet).

I’m hoping i’ve got some time until my own GC come along but i’ll be working right up until retirement age, so depends what age my DC have DC on what help i’d give and it would be fair. I wouldn’t commit to a day a week anyway, but if close enough, I would offer 1 afterschool and i’m going to offer childcare for at least one break for the parents each year (maybe even 2 weekend breaks, or 1 x childless weeks holiday). Largely as no-one did it for me, and I wish they had, and I think it’s important to make time for each other (hence offer to help DB now my mum is too old). Maybe why i’m seperated from DC’s dad!

Unpopular opinion, but I think it’s unfair. As far as possible,I think you should treat your children equally. Sadly, we are on the receiving end of not getting any childcare, compared my husbands brother getting two days a week help for 2 kids for a long time. They know we have to pay nursery fee, and the others pay nothing as they’ve had two days free childcare for three years. The grandparents aren’t particularly old.

In our situation, we’ve tried to be kind and understanding, but it has created a rift.

Every time the family who received the free childcare turn up with designer clothes, or a new Mercedes, all the kids are wearing designer clothes, or go on a two week expensive summer holiday that we can’t afford,it does make us pissed off that we’re paying for childcare that they get for free.

I understand some people will think I’m an entitled brat. But it’s really hard being skint and watching people get all sorts of free bees with designer clothes and free childcare. And it’s anonymous on here, so I don’t have to pretend to take the high road. We are all only human, and it makes me upset.

@Ijustwanttobehealthy Because the childcare is really for the parent's benefit. By providing childcare, the GPs are helping their DD.

It is normal to want to help your DD more than your DIL imo. Just like it is normal to want to support your parents in their old age more than your PIL.

It would be normal for the GPs to help both their DD and their DS if they can, but the DS hasn't actually asked for any help. He seems to be fine with how things are.

So yes it does matter who is asking.

Agreed, even if there weren't plenty of other reasons if I was the GPs I'd be helping DD rather than DIL based purely on the attitude I've seen displayed by her on this thread.

In my language/dialect we literally talk about the hot and the cold side of the family, so the daughter's (parents (warm side) vs the son's parents (cold side).

Make of that what you will.

We have this! MIL looks after sister in laws kids once a week after school (and the rest). Its set in stone, unshakable. Also favours those kids. Seems to think SIL has it harder than us even though she has it the same, (part time job she likes, married, financially fine.). I think the difference is that SIL asked for the childcare whereas my DH says he wouldn't ask because he thinks it too much of a burden. Its very annoying.