To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

I have two daughters. One has children who I've done occasional childcare for for five years. The other has not yet had children. If she does, I will probably not be able to offer the same amount of quality of childcare as her sister has had. I have much less energy and have aged a fair bit recently. I can't imagine caring for a toddler and a baby regularly again.

So it's not necessarily a daughter/DIL difference. It might well be just an aging thing.

Given that your DH haven't even asked his parents, it might even be that they've assumed that you don't need or want their childcare.

OP I'm the DIL and we had the GC last, my SIL had both of hers first and GPs were committed to childcare before mine ever came on the scene. They also live a bit closer so more convenient for GPs. We never asked as we don't like to presume, but it was never offered that we'd get the same.

My DM is much older (we were both "geriatric" mothers) so her ability to offer more than the odd afternoon is very limited, she did childcare for my older siblings but that was more than a decade ago and there's a big difference between regular care as a single GP when you're in your 60s compared to your late 70s.

I agree it does feel a bit unfair not to get any help but its just the hand your dealt sometimes. I don't resent or begrudge anyone and I don't make a fuss, its up to them what they can offer, obvs they're too tired to offer any extra days and reducing SIL days to accommodate us may result in conflict which they are adverse to. I think they think, well my DM is closer so that's the GP we need to lean on.

I'd just leave it and sort yourself out, thats what we had to do. (Although I also ended up going part time)

My mum had one sister. No brother / sister split.

My granny looked after my cousins way more than us because they were older than us, so my gran had committed to having them before we were on the scene.

Adding us into the mix was too much for granny as she got older - and she was only 3 years older when I came along, 5 when my brother arrived but 11 when the baby of the family arrived.

I know my mum felt resentful of her sister because she got free childcare that my parents had to pay for.

But the plus side as we got older was that our relationship with granny and grandpa was that of doting grandparents and not half parents. They were definitely softer on us!

I do think if you can you should look to that positive. And also figure out what it is in the situation with your parents who don’t provide help and support to you that upsets you. Because this is really for your DH to deal with, not you. You should ask yourself. Why isn’t he asking for childcare? Why is it left to you? Why can’t you ask your parents and how does that make you feel?

I Honestly don’t think you should expect the exact same as what your SIL gets. You need to find a way to make your peace with that.

A lot depends on the age difference in the grandchildren as well.

My exSIL bangs on a lot about how PIL 'bent over backwards' in babysitting for DSS and did 'practically nothing' for their DD.

When DSS was a baby his Mummy got cancer, was ill for a long time and then died. Both MIL and his other granny stepped in a lot when she was ill and receiving treatment. That continued after she died. So quite unusual circumstances.

DSS was also 19 (yes nineteen) years older than SIL's baby. MIL was considerably less sprightly, and FIL had dementia and needed full time care by the time he was born. Yet she still bangs on about MIL's unfair treatment...

Of course it’s not fair but not much in life is! What you going to do about it - that’s the question?
I think I’d be looking to move further away from them so as not at their beck and call when they need you - as they will as they get older. Let them get on with it and make other arrangements and stop comparing for fairness - that way lies unhappiness.

We get more and consistent help from PIL than the other grandkids. We had DC first. From my PIL viewpoint - which they voluntarily shared- is:

1. the others ‘expect’ it and for longer hours where we were always considerate - ie for date nights we would be back to put DC to sleep or we leave after we put DC to sleep and not be out till too late so that they can go home and rest. They feel no one else is considerate to them.

1. although the next child by age is only 2 yrs younger, they feel they can’t handle younger kids anymore as much
2. relates to previous point but they feel my DC that now needs less supervision is much easier and more pleasant for them.
3. we only have one. Everyone else brings 2 or more kids. Again - it’s way harder for them. They’re now also older so get tired more than say 3-4 yrs ago

Its also odd that they are not seeing grandkids as they are cooking and cleaning for a grown adult. Unless there is a major drip feed that SIL is disabled or something

I think when the first grandkids come along, it's fine for grandparents to say 'I'll help, but only one day (for example) so I can provide the same help to your sibling if they need it' or 'I'll help, I have x days, but if your sibling has children I'll have to share it between you in the future'. Otherwise I think it's a bit ridiculous to give loads of help to one child (practical and financial) and none to the other on the basis you're too busy helping the first child. Of course childcare arrangements can be changed- clearly not at very short notice, but most people have a lot of notice for a new baby with a pregnancy and maternity before childcare is needed. So I can see why the OP feels its unfair

Doesn’t take much to put an offer out as a grandparent knowing you watch the others so much and give nothing to the other set.

Not hard to say oh would Gabriella and Thomas like to come round for a baking and picnic day with nanny and grandad, give you two time to relax. Replace with day out or sleepover. An easy offer of something because they want to spend time with their other grandchildren.

It should be fair, however it rarely is.
The mother, daughter relationship is built on years of similar outlooks.

My Dbro DC didn't get as much attention as the 3 daughters children, they are very close to their grandmother's on their mothers side.
.
Similarly my relationship with MIL wouldn't be very mother and daughter either, she's obviously much closer to her own daughter.

It can create bitterness especially when you live close by and don't have family close by.

It is shit for you and your DC.

It sounds to me as though the grandparents really need their rest days because, as well as providing childcare for SiL, they are doing all the travelling to and from SiLs house (multiple times per week?) as well as cooking and cleaning once they get there. That’s a lot! It seems a shame that these heavy commitments leave them too tired to spend much time with their grandchildren who live right next door.

I think everyone comes at this from a different perspective. I am 100% of the view that you treat your children equally no matter what, it doesn’t matter if their circumstances are different. Now, practically that doesn’t mean you can offer the same help with regards to childcare as one child might live locally and one might be further away. If I was giving regular childcare to one of my children and I couldn’t do for the other I would either contribute to their nursery costs or I would offer to have their children for the odd whole weekend to give them a break. I appreciate others don’t agree that you should treat your children equally but I’ve been raised that way in my family so can’t imagine doing it differently. So OP yes if it were me I would be a bit upset that your DH isn’t as valued as his sister is by his mum.

But OP's DH hasn't asked for help or said he needs it.

I want to add to this. I am a new granny and I have a lot on my plate but when I retired I committed to having more time for my family. I want to treat them all fairly, these children are only young for a while. So I will be offering the same to all. I don't want my GC to have to go to childcare when they are young. That might mean having more than one at a time, they are a joy.

The grandparents' DD asked for childcare. Their DS has not. It is therefore not surprising that the GPs are giving their DD more childcare help.

Their DIL has asked for childcare, but like I said it's normal to want to help your children more than your ILs.

The person OP should be complaining about is her DH.

DH’s brother didn’t have children with first wife, now remarried and could possibly have children. Our DC are uni age. In this scenario would those posters saying GPs have to provide the same childcare expect GPs to provide childcare to BIL 20 years after providing childcare for DH’s DC? Even if they are in 70s/80s, not in great health. Or should they not have provided childcare to DH until BIL produced children

You will get people who have no grandparent support jealous as hell and telling you that you should mind your own children!

I’ve no grandparent support as they have passed away but I’m not envious of any who does and I say let them as much as they want to x

I guess theres only so much the grandparents can take on. If for example theyare already commited to look after two, then its really unfair to expect them to take on more.

If my son married a woman and she didn't have parents around I'd be aware of that and would help if they needed it and if I could. It's not a case of trying to fix it, it's just being a decent person and supporting my son and his wife and in turn their kids (my grandkids).

I think this is a good summary.

YABU to expect GPs to provide childcare, other than reasonable odd occasions (emergencies, to give you time together as a couple). No one should expect it. They’re doing you a favour. GPs are either still working themselves or want to enjoy their retirement while still fit and healthy, after working hard all their lives while bringing up their own kids - as well as often caring for parents, each other or other relatives.

YANBU to expect fair treatment. Which should give GPs (or future GPs) food for thought. In some cases, GPs may give more help to a daughter than a son. That’s clearly sexist. But IME, they tend to give more help to the first GCs and then the novelty wears off. Plus, they’re a few years older and have less energy or feel they have fewer years left to lead a full life. But they should think about how it may feel unfair and try to be even-handed. Or at least consider explaining why they can’t help as much.

But important not to expect explanations, either. Some GPs have good reasons: health or relationship problems they don’t want to share with their kids. They’re entitled to privacy.

But providing childcare (which this thread is about) is helping a couple. Your child wether male or female and their OH. So DD and DS should be treated the same.

First grandchild comes along. Parents excited and are free during the week so insist on being childcare. Same for next grandchild from the same child. Parents have committed to this. They age and get tired from the childcare. Third grandchild comes along.. parents can’t ditch other grandchildren and can’t possibly double the childcare and no longer have energy to look after new baby.

Honestly you shouldn’t have assumed.. hopefully you budgeted for full time childcare before having your kid.

I've been trying to post less but I couldn't not comment on your post, OP.

I think a lot of posters are missing the point. To me at least, it's the inequality and the favouritism that's upsetting you, rather than some expectation that your PILs have a duty to watch your children. And I fully empathise.

I have two DC, as does SIL. Her elder DC is 1 year older than my elder, with our younger DCs being the same age. SIL gets 3 days of childcare from MIL per week, we get 0. We all live within 5 minutes of each other, all work FT. My DH is very close to PILs and is always helping them with something or another.

My parents both still work full time, and are unable to retire in the near future. PILs are retired. I totally get that SIL had a year of childcare before us so had some kind of routine, but I would've thought MIL would say that to be fair, she would have to change the arrangement in the future so she could help us all. Perhaps give SIL 2 days and us 1. SIL could absolutely afford an extra nursery day if needs be, we're paying for full time nursery as there's no one to help.

It does hurt. Again, not because I want or expect free childcare. It hurts because MIL is treating her children differently, and is building a relationship with SILs DC that she'll never have with ours. And she's of course very tired from the 3 days of childcare, so when I try to arrange for her to see my DC, she's often busy trying to recuperate, which is fair enough. It just means she doesn't have a relationship with her DS's children (my DH), which honestly breaks my heart.

What's more, SIL's PILs live in another country, but visit regularly to see their DGC and constantly offer childcare when they're here. SIL has said on more than one occasion that if her PILs lived nearby, she'd have full-time childcare from GPs. Ironic that she mentioned that to me when she knows MIL doesn't help us.

To reiterate, it's not that childcare is expected. It's the difference in treatment. I couldn't ever imagine not helping my children out to the same extent. It wouldn't sit right with me.

Ultimately, you've just got to get past it somehow or resentment will chip away at you. I'm working on it.