To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

I voted yabu because I think with gc it’s often a case of first come, first served. GPs have limited amounts of energy, often dwindling as the years go on, and ime it’s fairly typical that the older gc get more. That’s been a pattern among many of my friends.

But if it makes you feel any better my pils have 7 gc, and when I called over one day with my dc in tow, her friend who was visiting was shocked to discover that she had more gc because she’d only ever heard about (or seen) the golden grandchild. I’m talking free summer holidays abroad, a bank account they contributed to every week, university fees and a car when she turned 18.

Everyone is different, every family different and circumstances don’t always stay the same. If there is a gap of several years between the two sets of children then the grandparents will be that many years older.
Living next to your PIL might not be going to give you regular childcare but it should mean that you have help to hand in an emergency and that your children will know their grandparents well.

I know siblings who don't get the same childcare because routines have been established with the ones that had children first. And the grandparents don't have the energy to start over again looking after babies. So no I don't think you can expect the same support even if it would be nice.

You sound very petulant. They don't owe you anything. It's up to their son to ask. First borns just get more time and attention. It's not employment law. Fairness doesn't apply.

Expectation is the mother of disappointment.

I wouldn’t expect it and neither would I want it.

I hate to say the cliche but you have a DH problem. You need to step back and let him handle things with his parents.

I do sympathise @Notyourproblem
my SIL just got 3 weeks childcare, I’m waiting for an offer of even half a day! SIL has three kids and is the golden child. DS was the second grandchild of four.

Dear OP,
I ll be the mother in law you want.
I want to be supportively involved with babies, but I had sons.
My two daughter's in law, of course go straight to their mothers!

I feel sorry for the grandparent generation sometimes. There’s always a lot of criticism towards them in the media about “having it easy” with house prices, they are expected to work full time until they drop but also look after the grandkids. If grandparents look after 1 set of grandkids for 2 days a week, 10 hours a day, then they do the same for the next set of grandkids, that’s 40 hours a week, the equivalent of a full time job! And it could go on and on for years.

Looking after a toddler that isn’t yours is hard in a different way. When I had toddlers it was instinctive to me to watch them while they ate, I knew what to give them for lunch, etc etc because I’d learnt “on the job”. My kids are both in primary school now and when I looked after my friend’s 2 year old last year I had to remind myself that I had to watch her going up the stairs! I imagine for grandparents who are older and have the possibility of health problems, it’s even harder.

I think a lot of grandparents agree to help with childcare for the first grandchild because their thought pattern is how hard can a 1 year old baby be, it’ll only be for a few years until they go to school. Then that baby turns into an active toddler who needs watching constantly, who turns into a primary age child who then needs taking to school, help with homework and running around to activities. They haven’t fully appreciated how exhausting it is now they are older. Then more grandkids come along and the same thing is expected. I can understand that they can easily reach capacity and burn out, so become reluctant to help out with subsequent sets of grandkids.

@Notyourproblem I would feel exactly like you do. I actually agree with everything you’re saying. My IL offered zero help to anyone though!

Spend time with or look after?

In my observation/experience it's really common for maternal grandparents to do more childcare. Yes there's exceptions, but definitely a pattern.
I also think its common to see looking after grandchildren mostly as a favour to the child's mother (and dependent on that relationship) rather than to the father or to both parents or even as building relationships with the grandchildren themselves. It shouldn't be, but it is.

Personally we live far away from my in-laws which allows them to maintain the pretence that they'd help as much as they help with their daughters kids if only we lived closer. In reality I'm very confident they wouldn't/couldn't.

No. Probably not as they are older and presumably unable to provide the same level of support.

I understand where you’re coming from in terms of thinking the childcare grandparents give should be split to be more even. It would of course be unreasonable to demand it, although you clearly haven’t.

I guess the time it could have come up in discussions is when you were pregnant/when your eldest was very young. Something along the lines of “in laws, you very kindly to childcare for S(&B)in law. I am not expecting the same, but if you were thinking you wanted to do some for us it would be useful to know what you were thinking so we could then plan the post maternity childcare around what works best for you”.

As I assume from your messages you've had a few months/years of this current arrangement it might be hard to change. unless you felt you could say to them you’d “love the kids to be able to make the most of being able to spend time with their grandchildren before starting school. Do you think there’s a way of fitting in a day a week together? Or even just an afternoon?” Alternatively if they’ve not started school could you talk to your in laws about how it would be really lovely if they could support in the initial transition and do an afternoon a week (if only 2 to 3 hrs in the end). And then see what they say to that.

There's also a difference between parents minding school age kids to starting again with babies.

Iv a friend with your attitude. She couldnt wrap her head aorund that sibling had kids 15 years before and parents had beenuch younger. They then expected theor parents to provide childcare at the same level even though parents were now mid 70s.

I'm not sure if you are being unreasonable or not.

My parents helped my brother and SIL more with kids. I'm the eldest. I think my brother and SIL needed it more.

So I don't think it's necessarily to do with favouring a daughter's children.

I can't begin to imagine what it must be like having for adult children all expecting childcare from me. Seriously, how incredibly selfish and incosiderate of them all to think that their mother should be doing child care for four sets of grandchildren.

That would be enough to make me weep. And I adore my grandchildren.

I’ll also add that with mine the PIL went through a couple of rough winters (and other seasons ) of nursery bugs and as they’re older it takes them a while to recover. So now even if they see a little sniffle (which is pretty much all the time) with the other grandkids, they don’t want them around.

I have this problem with my in laws and like you, it does upset me.
more so because I feel like my children see their nanny the least and we live the closest (as in a 5 minute drive away).
my partner is one of 4 siblings and MIL has provided childcare for all of her grandchildren, but it hasn’t been equal and I just think it boils down to who shouts the loudest and who makes her feel most guilty. I feel bad for MIL as she doesn’t seem to be able to stand up to one or two of her children, which causes resentment with the other children who are more thoughtful and reasonable.

I hoped for the same level of support but it wasn’t forthcoming. I always put it down to they had already invested so much time and energy with the first GC they didn’t have any left when my DC came along. Tbf there was a big gap. That said, I do feel resentful and the relationship with the children isn’t the same. DH isnt bothered at all! I can’t understand why as it’s blatant favouritism as far as I’m concerned. I think he’s just grateful for anything they throw our way.

DGP shouldn't be running around for their adult DC.
Do you invite them over for lunch/dinner? They can relax and not mind children, enjoy them.