To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

Sorry - not meaning to be argumentative, but genuinely, can you tell me what's so awful about the suggestion that OP's MIL could have had a chat with her DD and said something along the lines of 'its been wonderful having your DC three times a week darling, but next year I'd like to help your brother out a bit too, so I will be watching his DC for one of those days. I hope you understand that I love you both and want to help you both as much as I can'.

People find alternative childcare all the time. Presumably OP would have to use paid childcare without family help, so why can't her SIL do the same for one day a week?

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of their personal circumstances but this seems perfectly reasonable to me.

@CyanDreamer if you were already providing childcare it’s not always easy to add in other grandchildren, tell someone you are no longer available to provide childcare when they will have their work sorted around current childcare arrangements. If you need rest days now you can’t then be expected to take on more childcare responsibilities. GPs might not feel able to look after babies anymore. They might feel it is time to actually have some time to themselves. They live next door to OP so they might like to have relaxed time with OP’s DC rather than childcare

But why isn’t your DH asking them for the level of support that you and he need? What is it that you both need? What is it they’re not delivering for you and him?

its brave and cheeky of your DH to promise on their behalf!

This is common and short sighted. Obviously the grandchildren who aren't priority feel a bit left out. We have this - special holidays, experiences and gifts to one side. Announcement they were in a covid bubble without a second's hesitation - we were both working with no other help, sil furloughed. Our grandchild at 4 mths was hospitalised for days, pil didn't visit as, no joke, other school age grandchild had a minor injury they mentioned a lot. I will never forget that which was a huge turning point for me, we have never discussed it, actions speak louder than words. They won't acknowledge the double standards at all. We still get on but I don't trust they emotionally and neither does my child who told me that after they organised a massively exciting holiday for the others without mentioning it to us at all despite our going away previously together. We will go to events where they will organise separate accommodation that night or special side tickets without mentioning it and just let us find out, maybe from a grandchild. I would feel rude doing that to an acquaintance. When we seemed upset they seemed to be comfortable making them feel special and wanted. Now I just ignore it and keep them at arms length but friends. They will never acknowledge it or try to be more even and it is their loss as their own relationship they damage with a grandchild. After the hospital thing and covid I know I don't need them and very soon won't be asking for any visiting/ childcare as child is old enough not to need it.

It is massively unfair but very little you can do. I had similar situation. We were made to feel it was a treat if GP looked after ours on the few occasions we asked and I had to make all sorts of accommodations for it to work We managed without. There were other things. Anyway interestingly years on IL now have health problems and SIL is having to support. DH has specifically said he’s under no obligation to put himself or me out because he had noticed the inequity. What goes round comes round imo.

If it's any comfort @Notyourproblem I had zero help from the start. In laws much older so less energy with health issues. My mother raised three children and was done mothering.

it is unfair, but move on from that.

The others don't care, it's you who are suffering and sad about it. It's not worth it.

I assure you they will regret it one day.

My mother helped my sister a lot with childcare and me not at all. Yes I minded then and tbh I still don’t think it was fair. I got on with my life and found other sources of support. My sister had her children earlier (her youngest is same age as my eldest) so the novelty of grandchildren had worn off.

Ironically I now do considerably more to help my mother than my sister does.

of course it's reasonable.

But they said no.

I would make alternative arrangements, and they'll be the ones disappointed once kids are older, when they will never have your kids for sleepovers, never get invited to family parties, and are kept well away from the kids life in general, seeing them twice a year.

That's what everyone I know does, when in-laws favour one child, they get the hint and distance themselves a lot. Funny how 10 years later, the grand-parents start complaining, but by that time the kids are not interested .

It's not mean or petty revenge, it's just natural consequences. If people don't want to see you, you listen.

I’ve found it’s more a case of ‘perfect first born GC’ rather than particularly to do with the parents. We have similar where SIL had kids first so they are firm in the diary where as we feel guilty asking for ‘childcare’ for appointments or similar. They also all bubbled together in the pandemic which I think made a big difference.

So it wasn’t the in laws who “over promised”? It was DH?

I think it depends - things loke: if SiL is single mum, I could understand giving more help to her

If SiL asks more I can understand them saying yes and assuming you and DH dont want or need the same. And giving more to the child who asks

I also think closeness between the parent and grandparent can influence.

I think its nice to treat all the cousins the same but I do think theres sometimes a communication issue regarding one asking DC asking more and then receiving it

what a stupid question.

The grand-parents clearly have time and energy to provide extensive help with their grand-children, they can split it. Ever heard of taking turn?

Why are you defending people focusing exclusively on their daughter, but completely ignoring their son? As a grand-parent, wouldn't you want to see ALL your grand-kids?

Bizarre attitude.

How utterly awful! Perhaps you could have planned your pregnancy around the current grandchildren’s school start eh?

Generally speaking I would say yes, but as with anything a whole load of factors could impact - how many children, what are the work arrangements if any of everyone involved, what are the financial situations of those involved, is there partner/other support available, location of where everyone is etc, etc…
That not withstanding, ultimately, they do not “owe” helping out anyone else with their children, regardless of if they are helping someone else out. Your children are your responsibility and if they are not able to help (or do not wish to) then hey, you do what lots of parents have to do and source formal childcare or make other arrangements.

I look after my grandchildren one day a week, if another baby came along with another DD, I wouldn’t be able to offer the same care to the new baby until the older ones start school

I see where you are coming from but it’s not black and white. Considerations;

• the GPs are already in a routine with SIL’s DC
• SIL’s DC will be a bit older now and are used to DGs and are probably easier to look after than babies/infants
• DG are getting older too and might find new arrangements/younger DC more of a challenge - doesn’t mean they don’t love them less
• your DH is not actually asking for help and you are not their daughter so it is different

PIL would have DN all the time, he has his own room, own toys, etc

When we visited DN had to be there ALL the time centre stage.

Mine never got a look in and they really began to notice. Questioning why they don’t have photograph up yet DN had loads.

I felt it was a sad situation and just stopped visiting. Kids haven’t seen their GP in years - DH still goes - SIL complains he has all the caring duties - not my problem - she can’t have it both ways.

DH moans the GP haven’t seen their kids - I’ve never stopped him taking them - not once - again not my problem.

I can’t stand unfairness.

Yeah we’ve kept my son’s child for him for part of summer holidays because they don’t have enough leave between them and my OH is retired.

We Would do the same for any of the rest of mine, but my partner has a very much younger child than any of mine are even though he’s older than me and retired, and I’m not sure how we will be health wise if that child has a child as an older parent for example. He had his one and only child in his late 40s. If that child doesn’t have a child til their 40s he will be dead. And I’ll be in my 80s. 🤣🤣🤣 god I never worked that out before. That’s depressing.

I look after my DS's child on certain days but then that's the only GC I have right now.

If my DD had a baby I'd do the same, even if it was on the same day.

What I wouldn't want to do is commit to looking after GC every day of the working week....no matter whether it be my DS or DD children.

My own parents practically bought up my siblings DC, only twice looked after mine while I went away overnight.

Life isn't about leveling up, no good will come of this, it is causing animosity in your home with your partner too.
It is not worth it.

I don't know the reason you're not in contact with your DM, this is elevating your feelings.
Their relationship is something that was planned when SIL was born. My DS is only 10. I'll be in his life, if his wife wants me to be, whereas with DD, I'm more confident that I'll be in her life as a new parent.

Maybe I'll be lucky, have a DIL like you that wants our involvement. 🥰

How much more can they give though? If doing a fair amount of childcare already are you expecting them to cut back to help with you? Does the paternal GPs help? You say your parents are out of the picture, are your in laws aware of that?
I had no help from either set of GOs, my parents were in their 70s and lived abroad half the year. They did do the odd night babysitting. My in laws never had my kids. I’m certainly closer to my parents than my DH was to his.
Frankly why do you need the help? Is it to save on childcare? I don’t believe one should rely on GPs, nor feel that they should be treated the same as do many other factors come in to play (my in laws hated my DH’s ex, and spent as little time as possible with her and her kids, even though they were their first grandkids).