To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

It sounds like your DH made some promises to you on behalf of his parents without actually asking them if they were OK with him doing that.

Don't resent your ILs because your DH said something stupid.

You implied your SIL has had years of childcare. This means that your MIL and FIL are older now than when they first agreed to help out anyone with childcare. You get to a certain age and then all of sudden, everything is much more exhausting. And with your kids being younger, they're objectively going to be harder work.

I get that you feel life is easier for some mums than it is for you, and this feels like one big injustice. But you're directing your anger at the wrong person. DH shouldn't have made you those promises, especially if they were to manipulate you into moving and/or having his children.

Surely it depends on individual circumstances.

DS and DIL: No DC yet but DIL is the eldest of two girls who are close to their mother. I have no doubt that DIL's mum will be more involved than me. AcDemic because DS and DIL are moving to another Continent at end of this month.

DD and future SinLaw is the eldest of two boys and I am v close to dd.

I have no intention of providing regular childcare. Helping, yes. Babysitting, yes, emergencies, yes. Having grandchildren on x, y, z days for 10-12 hours, absolutely not.

I cannot imagine offering support to one of my DC and not giving the other one the same.

It's a great shame for GPs to favour one set of GC over another. It happens frequently, the children always feel it. In my experience, the ones benefitting from childcare and not the ones providing support for elderly parents. They should reap what they sow. All the kindness should be repaid, it probably won't be.

Your SIL and her DH are inconsiderate. It won't change, so sorry this happened.

@Pistachiocake You've described my future fears about DS growing up. I'll thread carefully, test the water.

OP is the opposite. Willing to nurture the relationship, a dream come true for most MIL's. 🥹

How about you all sort your own childcare and let the poor grandparents enjoy their retirement!

You are right, it's unfair. Sadly lots of people go on about MIL/DIL, despite calling themselves feminists. Some of them are more negative than Les Dawson's 70s jokes!
There are some mums who insist on only their own mum being invited to meet the baby soon after the birth, and scream at their husband that he's not the one who's given birth if he asks that his parents can visit. There are some who make photos/take their own mum out with the baby while their husband is at work, and don't give their MIL a chance to be involved-I know, because I was with another mum I knew when we took our kids out and she said she refused to get anything for her MIL cos it was "wife-work", and was shirty when I pointed out that her husband couldn't do it because he worked. Fair enough that they agree who works, if they can afford it, but I bet her MIL is not the only one missing out.

I'm sure you've not done this, but sadly it seems to be common, so maybe she's pre-emptively, and wrongly, "protecting herself"?
I would invite MIL out and ask, politely, if you've ever done anything to make her feel unwelcome. If she says no, ask her if her son has, and say that in any case, it's not fair on the grandchildren to suffer. Say that you want to value all your family equally, and love and respect her as the one who raised your husband.

If you do that and she doesn't step up, well you can't force her, but at least you know you've done all you can and your conscience is clear.

I'm not sure when this expectation of grandparents started, when I had my children I was very lucky my mum was able to have my daughter 2 mornings a week so I was able to keep my job she was happy to do this, had she not I would have put my daughter to a child minder. When I had my son I changed jobs to fit around my children and didn't expect my parents to take on the child care for the children that I decided to have. I am now a grandparent who works 5 days a week and I don't provide childcare although I love my grandson and love seeing him I don't feel that any free time I have should be spent providing childcare. I feel that this generation can be very entitled - grandparents are entitled not to provide childcare You chose to have a child so you look after them.

I'd make peace with it.
Fuck them.
Think about moving house for a fresh start. I often poked DM when she was chatting to SIL, talking about her daughters children, or comparing them, including mine.

MIL is the same with one DGC, he is her DD child. It doesn't bother me, I live far away, I have a close family.here.

I understand why it hurts you, living so close to it.

It’s really sad that it works out that way - that the GCs that get the childcare also get the close relationship. It would make me so aware about fairness and giving equal time to all GC (if I’m lucky enough to have any in the future).

i can empathise with you, OP. I’m in the same
boat, and I had the first GC. MIL favoured her daughter’s kids. My kids now have no meaningful relationship with their grandma apart from the meet-ups initiated by me. I was devastated about it because my own mother was not on the scene, like in your case. So I felt my kids had missed out on any grandparental relationship. I never even asked for childcare, just some interest in being with them.

You’re not being unreasonable, it’s unfair.

Regardless of who does the “asking”, this is something your PILs would be doing for their son’s family, and the idea of “first come first served” is a poor excuse.

No one would think it was acceptable that first born children continued to get the majority of their parent’s time and attention when their sibling came along - everyone is expected to adapt so that the children can be raised relatively equally. Similarly, if parents had been buying their young child extravagant gifts but couldn’t afford to do so for two children when the second came along, no one would think it was reasonable to keep buying the oldest massive gifts while buying plastic tat for the younger one. The consequences and hurt that come with favouritism from a parent don’t just stop when you reach adulthood, and arguably would be magnified if you see it affecting your own children.

Just to add my experience...my sibling had a DC before I did and so they made an arrangement whereby my sibling gets all childcare covered by the two sets of grandparents (the grandparents do half a week each effectively).

That same support wasn't on offer to me from my parents because by the time my DS came along, they had committed to my sibling and they were just that little bit older enough to make them feel already overstretched. My sibling has therefore never paid for childcare, whereas it costs us thousands.

However, there's no part of me that thinks this is favouritism. My parents have always made sure myself and my sibling have the same love and support in every other way, they dote on us both and clearly adore both of their grandchildren beyond words. I know they feel bad that my sibling gets more support than I do but they compensate in other ways, and I guess because I'm so assured in this, I just understand it's the way the cookie crumbled.

I think it’s really common/normal for daughter’s kids to get lots of help and sons less so, for many reasons, including the idea ‘kids belong to their mum’, and more empathy for own DD vs judgement of DiL

You must have heard ‘a son is a son til her gets a wife, a daughter’s your daughter the whole of her life’ - it’s natural for the GPs to feel more comfortable in their DDs home & company vs DiL: it’s not right but it’s common/the norm

Are your own parents deceased or unwell? It’s likely your in laws see supporting you as your parents’ role otherwise

We’re both daughters and I had the first two gc and the 5th. I get a lot more childcare for my first two children than my sister has with her two. But she gets a lot of financial support which I don’t. Interestingly they aren’t anywhere near as hands on with my third so I am seeing the preference for the first grandchildren even within one household. It partly coincides with their declining strength and energy.

Neither side did childcare for me but I know my MIL would have been more willing than my mother. I just didn't need it and my children were the firstborn grandchildren.

I don't think there's reasonable or unreasonable in this. For me, it would be about what works best for me. If I say I'm available to help with childcare on Monday or Tuesday and child 1 chooses Monday, either you take Tuesday or I have them all on Monday. If you want Thursday, then I might not be available then. So we have an inequality but it's not about choosing one over the other, it's about the two schedules not meshing.

If child 1 had children five years ago and I cared for their baby/toddler and now you have one, my life might have changed so I can no longer offer to do the same for you. Not favourites, just that life is in a different place.

In any case, it sounds like you haven't even asked for help from them. If you don't ask, you don't get to find out if it's possible or not. However, they don't owe you childcare.

In my experience, yes, commitments to the "favoured" set of GCs were set in stone, while any commitments to the other set could be changed on a whim.
Entirely for the GPs to choose of course, and they aren't obligated to anyone, but it does have effects on the relationships.

My brother had kids 13 & 9 years ago, my son is only 1. When I was pregnant my mum did say to me that it was so different this time round because it’s her daughter’s baby. She doesn’t love any one any more than the other & does a hell of a lot for both of us. But I think there is just maybe some sort of maternal thing that flows down with it being your daughter.

from my point of view I will always go to my mum first for anything before asking my mil’s, I have a mil and then step mil, I love them all and get on great but I feel better hassling my mum than I do anyone else unless I have to, so that might come into it a bit maybe.

I'm sure MIL feels pulled away from your DC by SIL.
I'd be proud of your independence, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with MIL without leaning on her, as much as her help would be nice.
Is your child in nursery or at home?
Have a heart to heart with MIL. Make her aware that you feel let down.

My point was the favour is for their child not the grandchild. You may feel as OP does that the parenting should encompass spouses not just the grandparents children but I disagree. I particularly disagree because their child doesn’t ask and doesn’t want to.

True. But if you spend a lot more time and effort on one set of grandchildren that is questionable at best.

You can love your grandchildren without having to provide childcare.

So children can keep on having children with no thought to childcare and expect grandparents to fit throt lives around what their children have decided for them?

Moral of the story really is not to let grandparents over promise to any child (although obviously it is their choice to do so). If they have more than one grandchild I really think they should be treated equally. I couldn’t imagine looking after one DCs offspring and refusing to offer the same to the other, although it does depend on the age gap between each set of babies to be fair. What I could do at 60 I wouldn’t be able to offer at 70.

I don’t think you can expect the same, especially if your kids were born later. My DP helped my SIL and DB all the time, with babysitting, child taxiing, much more ££ spent, etc. by the time mine came along, they weren’t all that interested, as the older cousins were more interesting, etc. It was all completely unfair. SIL also had her own parents locally.
You can let yourself get upset that you don’t get the same level of support, but it’ll just poison your relationships with your DP or PIL. Better to work through the sadness / resentment and then accept that they give what they give, and appreciate whatever that is, for your own happiness.

The question is why do people have kids and expect others to look after them?