To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

Not according to some of the posts on this thread.

It’s not allowed to be different. It has to be equal.

It often reminds me a bit of the surname threads where lots of men mysteriously have lovely surnames and lots of women mysteriously have horrid names so it just makes more sense for women to change their names.

Somehow there's always a sensible reason that results in the daughter and her children getting more time and focus. You very rarely hear "my mum lives closer to my brother and he had kids first so she's just naturally closer to them and anyway my DH has his own mother to support us"

You just the best you can with the circumstances as they are at the time. If that later changes, you do your best to fit with that. Any reasonable child knows things change and might not be the same.

Yes.

My kids were shocked to find out that their cousins get carefully chosen birthday presents fitting their interests when my kids have always just had cash "because we don't know them well enough to choose anything"

Well yes if you choose not to spend any time with them, that will happen

This is what worries me now since reading this thread.

I was in my late 40s when I became a granny.

My partner is 64 and has a teenager.

It is daft to think that we will be able to do the same if or when his dd has children. We will be at least 20 or 30 years older. He’s already almost 20 years older than I was at 64.

He has had 2 heart attacks and his ability to do a full day out is less than mine as it is.

So by the logic here, so as not to make his daughter feel resentful in however many years because we won’t be able to do it for her, we shouldn’t do anything for mine? How is that fair? Why should my children and grandchildren have to suffer because of a something that was nothing to do with me? (Him getting married later in life and him and his ex not having a family until he was pretty old.)

I think it would be unreasonable to “expect” the GPs to change an existing commitment to existing grandchildren in order to accommodate your new children in the name of “fairness”. If this was important to you, it would have been a direct conversation I’d have had with them before having kids.

That sounds reasonable, that you could offer to pay for care instead, but again, not everyone would have the capacity to do that.

This is one scenario I'm thinking of. When my DD was in hospital and worrying she could manage having a child, I told her she would have as much support as I could give her to help her and itemised what that could look like. She appreciated that, though I did caution her that things could change, so don't count on it, but that would be my intention.

As it turns out, one of my other children (I have a few with wide gaps) a couple of years later developed a medical condition that lead to serious immune suppression and she had to be protected from illness. They couldn't go around sick kids. Obviously, if I had grandchildren, this would have meant that I couldn't help if they were sick or be as available as I would have been when I had the first discussion. This younger child lives in my home, so I have to do my best to avoid sick kids myself.

Beyond my control, unpredictable. If I'd offered childcare to them, done it, and another child had a baby under the new circumstances, I might not have been able to be so helpful. There are other ways to support but it's not the same as the hands on, present help.

Sometimes also, equity and equality are different things.

My parents definitely favoured my children to my brother’s. It didn’t help that he married a woman they despised.

What an amazing mum, particularly with 5 kids to do that!

Case in point. I think this is what’s going over everyone’s heads; how it translates to the grandchildren. Unless you are conscious about treating all of them fairly, as a gp, you will likely show favouritism depending on the ones you provide childcare to. I actually think this is what gets to most parents really.

How would that work for people like us?

My kids are in their 20s and late thirties/early 40s. My partner’s daughter is in her teens. Potentially she might not have a child for almost 30 years.

We (me and my partner) do days out, we have done a weekend or two to let my son and his wife go to weddings and we did a week when they hadn’t enough leave. My partner is early retired, he’s 64.

Potentially he could be in his 90s by the time his daughter has kids. Or at least in his 80s.

By your logic, we should refuse to do anything for my kids because we are unlikely to be able to do it for his daughter? I don’t think that’s fair.

Yes! My mum is like this, I'm one of 5 siblings and my mum has always been equal with her time and resources, down to giving us a few quid if our birthday or Christmas presents don't hit the £30 budget😂.

My inlaws on the other hand quite happily spend hundreds on one child and nothing on the other- and their family is full of bitterness and resentment.

I can imagine my SIL writing a similar post to yours. However circumstances may be very different to yours.

my SIL is a very jealous person. My parents do so much for her but it is never good enough. My SIL has much more money than me and has much more time off than me (only works 2 days a week) but always criticize my parents for not doing enough and not doing any support good enough to her standards.

Families aren’t businesses. I am horrified at the prospect of my children demanding childcare from me in the future. I’m hoping none of them have kids. You’ve highlighted all of my concerns.

Also none of the age arguments apply to us as our child is in the middle age wise. And sil was the golden child over my partner. There is no way I am caring for them in old age which was a possibility before they did that to my child

You really have no awareness of this from your brothers perspective? The impact on the grandparent relationship with your kids over his?

I feel like the maternal grandparents end up doing more for grandchildren generally as the mums usually arrange childcare and tend to want their own mothers to do it

I know but I have said, if I give regular childcare to one of my children for say, 2 children and I am not able to do for the other then I will contribute to nursery fees for 2 children. That way it is as fair as I can make it. It isn’t always perfect but I certainly won’t be helping one and then turning around and saying of well, bad luck I can’t help anymore.

there was once a person on mumsnet I think who said her mum was so scrupulously equal than anytime her mum did something for her sister’s children she would transfer a bit of cash to her to ensure equality because she lived further away so her mum wasn’t able to help her as much. She always thought it was sweet but unnecessary but her mum absolutely wanted her to know she loved both her kids equally. I want to be like that!

I have four children, no grandchildren yet. I’m still working so there will be a limit to how much time I can offer to have any grandchildren so I will do a blanket ‘no’ to regular care and just do ad hoc care for everyone.

In reality, the child that lives nearest and has most to do with me will likely get the lion share of help.

OP it sounds like your husband set caters expectations around what his parents could do for childcare that aren’t being met. Not sure why your own parents aren’t in the picture but I imagine seeing your SIL and her mum’s relationship might also be triggering.

It’s not unreasonable imo to expect your husband’s parents to want to help out with childcare, although what this looks like will vary on the circumstances. The issue is that
prioritising daughter/son/dil/sil almost always leads to having favourites among grandchildren, which they start to notice, and many GP don’t seem to account for. It may not be possible to babysit equally but gifts, phone calls, social visits, holidays, should be more balanced.

OP it doesn’t sound like this situation is going to change so you need to speak to your husband about what can be done to give you the support structure you need. Are you better of moving to be nearer to other family and friends? Can you both start to build your own tribe? Is a regular babysitter affordable?

The last 2 posters are correct I think. Not childcare related but by not being there for us really in terms of support - cutting us dead immediatly in covid but not the others, not visiting when baby in hospital fussing round the other etc - child doesn't know about that as I have some discretion. Special holidays for one set of grandchildren, lots of shared things and ours and afterthought. Our grandchild has not even left primary school and their relationship is irretrievably damaged. I used to love them now I am not sure. We are still civil and friends, we host holidays, both me and my partner tried to discuss and fix it but didn't work. Now the damage is done in only a few years.

I have a similar situation but it's not the free childcare side of things that really gets to me its more the fact that my dc doesnt understand why their cousins get to stay at granny's 3 days&nights a week and they barely get 1 day (never night) every couple of months which is the bit I find sad tbh

You can't be sure you'll have the capacity to do that. If they have children 8 years apart, for example. A lot can change in that time and you may not have the same capacity to help for a range of reasons out of your control.

I hope so too..
But only yesterday my DD and I were talking about this.
Her DPIL mentioned to her DP (who told her) that they don't feel 'as close' to the DGC. And that she's always with me! No s**t Sherlock! She's my DD.. we've always spent time together, I'm helping her because I did it without family help and it was hard..(wonderful parents just 250miles away and still working full time).
I've dropped everything and been there asap when she's needed me..
OTOH.. MIL was invited over to help set up the new nursery. I took over cake and made it a beautiful afternoon.. filling drawers with tiny socks and babygros..
She chose to shampoo her carpet..
So in my DDs case she's tried lots of times and now doesn't bother much. They still see the DGC on a regular basis.. just not as much..

well personally I absolutely will treat my children equally. If I have helped one, I help the other the same. My son knows this so wouldn’t be weird for him to have that expectation of me if I have helped his sister. But then I will certainly be having this discussion with them upfront at the point when my first grandchild is born so we set expectations then.