To expect the same childcare as your SIL is receiving

Well you could develop some hobbies so DH is doing more - I suspect that if he is regularly tied up at home DGM might magically find some time. I don’t know kids ages but the first DGC does get a lot of attention compared to following one’s. And the DGPs have then developed a relationship before others come along.

To be honest I think it happens , and French not because of whose child comes first but because they don’t what to comment more hours after they realise how hard it is so the foray grandkids will probably get more

As someone that has received next to no help from PIL's whilst my SIL has had her parents practically raise her kid for her, this is now the mentality I have when my PIL's request to see us on our already busy weekends. I work 5 days a week and have young children.. so I certainly won't be bending myself into a pretzel to accommodate demands to see me on my only two days off.....

@Notyourproblemhow does your husband feel about it? Does he feel a bit hurt, or is he alright with the situation?

I know how you feel even though our situations are not exactly the same! I don't think you are being unreasonable as I think grandchildren should be able to spend time with both sets of grandparents , especially since you all live so close together! The situation would have been different if SIL was next door and you were living hundred of miles away.
My PIL recently posted pictures of their outing with SIL's oldest child. They occasionally help when her children are ill or take the oldest one for a day or overnight stay. MIL used to help them more ( once a week looking after her grandkid )but said she doesn't want to commit to such thing going forward and offers occasional help. Last year we got help twice and this year we got help for an hour for one child but we don't really ask them for help and they don't check with us if we need any help or not. Maybe they assume we would just ask when we need it , which is fine but I can see SIL's kids have formed a deeper bond with PIL in comparison to my kids. Even my mum said they don't help much and she was surprised considering they don't live very far.

👌

Lol. Or people can just do whatever they want with their own precious amount of irreplaceable time, make decisions that suit them, and not bend themselves into a pretzel to offer free labour to suit the wants of entitled CFs 😂😅

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think grandparents ideally, if they have more than one child likely to be having kids at the sort of time, should ensure they don’t commit to a level of childcare for one family they couldn’t replicate happily for both/all. And I say that as the sibling who got much more help in the pre-school years (although in our case we live ten minutes away from my folks and my sister was five counties away, so it was simply a question of what was practicable).

Yes I dare say he was involved, but as everyone on the planet knows, and all of human history proves, the grandmother will be doing the lion's share of the babysitting.

But yes, I suppose it is just possible that they might be the exception that prove the rule.

@CyanDreamer the eldest grandchild is going to school, doing school run might actually be harder to organise than nursery/childminder for baby

Also OP says they have been on family holidays with GPs, they also live next door so that might be seen as just as nice as having childcare with GPs

This.
Quite a lot of entitlement going on behind your question.
Also, people's situations are different eg other grandparents may be further away or not wanting to look after dgc at all.
Be grateful for them being prepared to look after your kids at all!

If one set of GPs were already providing 3 days a week childcare I wouldn’t be expecting them to take on more DC if I then had a child. I also wouldn’t expect them to change what they are doing.

I would.

At the very least swap it for 2 days for one, 1 day for the other.
It's not like it's a sudden decision and you tell the daughter: btw, from tomorrow, we don't babysit 3 days a week anymore.

By the time you learn your son's wife is pregnant, then she gives birth, then the baby is old enough to need a babysitter.. normal parents would tell their daughter: we need to share our time, you need to make alternative arrangements for half that time.

Kids are not stupid, they know very well and very quickly that their cousins are the favourites and grand-parents prefer to spend more time with them. It's not an "entitled DIL" resentment , it's a whole toxic dynamic.

I will never understand people who have favourites among their children or their grand-children.

You being puzzled is not how your post came across

I've no particular interest in being rude. Just puzzled as to why you made the same point twice.

No need for rudness

Are you stuck on repeat or something? I already answered that.

Exactly

I only have 2 DGC from my DD but if any of my 2 DS's or foster sons give me DGC they would be treated equally with DD's DC. I love too far away to offer weekly care but I paid towards nursery fees for both DGC to enable my DD to go back to work and I went down when DGS's got chicken pox and when my DD had to go into hospital for a minor operation. I'd do more if they lived closer.

Neither is the daughter then

I don't think we should be having kids with the expectation of external help at all, really.

Of course it will seem unfair if you are not given the same consideration, but surely there is more to this than 'they get it so we should too'?

I take it DH's parents are retired, hence they have the time to look after SIL's kid(s), but how are they doing with it? Do they already have their hands full? Are they physically pushed and dreading having to take on more? Are they even getting a retirement, or are they now full time Grandparents?

If they can't take on more kids, do you want them to half the amount of time SIL gets and share the time with you? Would that be a huge financial strain on SIL? Can you afford childcare and her not? Would it be difficult on their kid(s) to change the arrangement?

In my experience, there is a lot more at play than just 'fairness' in these matters.

When my parents offered to provide 2 days a week care for my child (first grandchild) I said to them don't offer me something that you can't offer my siblings. We ended up with having 1 day a week of them looking after my child (more so they wanted that regular contact and a routine now they are in retirement). Also, I would expect if my siblings later have kids, I'm prepared to increase nursery days so my parents can look after their kids as I've already benefited a period of time of reduced cost.

Of course if my siblings end up having kids much later and my parents health don't allow the same level of care then that's a different scenario. I am prepared to help my siblings out where I can as well.

Personally I think it's best to establish outright that everyone should budget/be prepared to not get any regular care for their kids before having them. And if parents are in good health and are happy to help, discuss how many days are available and try and share this out between all the grandkids to maintain connection with all of them. I'm sure the siblings will be ok if one needs more help due to health reasons or the like. What people are not ok with are blatant favouritism. A lot of siblings learn to live with not being the golden child in the family, but when this is projected to the next generation it is harder to accept seeing their own kids being treated lesser than.

I have voted YABU. Basically because you are expecting anything.

When you childs GP were asked for childcare by you SIL they HAD NO SIMILAR COMMITMENTS. Do you understand the difference between then and now? They were able to say yes to whatever they deemed acceptable under those circumstances.

Now you have had a child you have asked for help with childcare. Do you expect them to lower their commitment to your SIL because you chose to have a family. Your SIL hasnt changed anything from the prior arrangement. The GP havent changed anything. You are the person who has changed things and you are the person making expectations.

There is another Grandchild to consider here. One who has grown up with a level of relationship with GP that you are trying to reduce. Is that fair?

At the end of the day the GP cant split themselves in half. You need to be reasonable, explain you hoped for some help and whatever they can give is 100% appreciated. You also hope for them to have a similar relationship with their GC that they have with the older GC. Maybe this could be in other ways that help you out too.

Dont go demanding they achieve the impossible of like for like.

Do you'd had care and attention for 7 years ?

I agree that ideally there would be parity, but I can’t help thinking OP’s attitude might be partly why there isn’t.