Friend having affair - utterly sickened by it

I dropped a friend that had an affair and was expecting me to be her alibi, she was my bridesmaid so she was a very good friend once upon a time. Can’t be friends with someone who has shitty morals.

I have an ex friend who did this. We aren't friends any longer but not due to the affair. It is due to her out and out selfishness and only caring about herself and her own rich tastes. I guess people feel aggrieved at the unfairness and wrongness of it all. Especially when you try to be a decent person. This woman had an affair with a man she met on holiday while with her newly married husband. She eventually left him for the other man, who also had a partner and is now living the highlife after causing much heartbreak. She didn't even bat an eyelid and when I asked her last year if she had ever heard from her first husband she coldly says 'oh that was years ago I barely remember it'. Coincedentally, both men were extremely high earners. It does leave me questioning why people strive to be decent and work hard at relationships when she tossed this first man aside after a few months of marriage, because the next guy was seemingly better. She also walked away with a lot of money after only being married for 6 months.

I agree that if the friend was a man there would be calls to burn him at the stake!

I wouldnt want to be friends with her either, as they saying goes "judge a man by the company he keeps" and I wouldnt want people to think I condoned that sort of thing. You see it on here were a man acts as alibi for his cheating mate and it makes his wife look at him and wonder if he is capable of doing the same to her.

But I am also, like others, a bit puzzled as to why its bothering you now when you say she has always been unfaithful. If its against your moral code now then surely it always has been, so why not drop her before now?

I may have been more tolerant in the past. I’m not now. I’ve seen first hand and experienced the utter trauma that cheating causes the betrayed spouse. Why is it so beyond possibility that OP has also seen the damage it has caused and changed her viewpoint in recent years?

As with any relationship you can step back or end it for any reason.

I’d not want to spend much time with someone I knew to be cheating on their spouse.

But I too don’t understand why this wasn’t a problem for you in the past.

so OP’s moral objections now are as a result of less tolerance for the multiple affairs of the past?

Posters who have been dumped by their husband who is now happily rebuilding his life will tell you she's the lowest of the low and go into a rage

But I agree with above:
She has always been unfaithful and lined up the next one before ending the current relationship.
so why now?

She's not confident enough to be single apparently. So why is that bothering you now?

Not necessarily. It might just be that while OP's friend's morals have remained consistently non-existent, OP's tolerance has is now decreasing.
It's perfectly possible.

Utterly sickened? How much time do you spend with her that this is even really on your mind?

As long as you do fun things as friends.and she isn't just a general mood hoover, I don't think I could work myself up about someone else's love life.

No you are not. I knew someone like that. Always lined up the next one..Yuck.

Looks like many on here are on your friends side. Odd thing is if this was the husband cheating it would be a completely different thread of comments.

100%. Then it would be LTB!

Can't quite believe people are siding with someone being an actual liar and a cheat - and condemning the person questioning their morals as a 'bad friend'. Says a lot about people's (lack of) standards.

OP - I wouldn't make a big thing of it. Maybe just distance yourself gradually and hopefully she'll get the message.

I think I understand how you feel, OP. I have at times found it hard to respect people who aren’t in any way independent, expecting a partner to support their lifestyle (usually of no work). I suspect this is what doesn’t sit well with you because you did the more difficult thing of taking responsibility for yourself, working and paying the bills alone.

In the long term, independence serves people well in life. I have seen it in the elderly people I know. The ones who aren’t completely dependant on a partner fare better when they are ultimately on their own.

I ghosted a friend because of her being unfaithful to her husband. She honestly was promiscuous outside of her marriage, very difficult to be around.

She sounds like a horrible person. I wouldn’t continue to be friends with her.

Because of the pain it will cause the husband, the lack of any kind of care and because her "friend" appears to have the morals of an alley cat I would think

She sounds awful. YANBU

Huh?

the op says her friend has always been unfaithful and had the next one lined up.

I think posters are failing to see that this friend has always been unfaithful

but the Op for some reason only now has taken the moral high ground

Looks like a many few on here are on your friends side.
Odd thing is if this was the husband cheating it would be a completely different thread of comments.
Op fizzle out of the friendship and let a cheater be you should have done it years ago but never mind do it now.
Dont get dragged down with the drama.

I think you should end the friendship. You have judged your friend and found her guilty and decided she is immoral, so there is no benefit to either of you in continuing. You are better without her, because you won't have to associate with a person you no longer respect, she is better without you, because we need our friends to have empathy and understanding for us, not secretly think we are awful people.

I had this with a friend. I understand how it can drag on. Tolerated it for years as she stayed with her DH and was a troubled person who was quite destructive due to childhood trauma, but she then started another affair with one of his friends and it was the last straw for me. I just eased away from her. She’s still with DH and still being unfaithful but I don’t have to listen.

Another one of those threads where the poll doesn’t reflect the opening comments.

I’d distance myself, she sounds horrendous and cheating is now widely regarded as abusive behaviour, removal of informed sexual consent, removal of personal agency, risk of STIs along with gaslighting, minimising, manipulation and lying.

I’d have ended the friendship a long time ago.

YANBU to distance yourself from her for whatever reason you want but this being this hugely moral issue is just another reason since you’ve always known she’s been unfaithful before and it was never a big moral issue for you then.

Frankly you can't be much of a friend. She's not happy in her marriage and is having an affair. It's not the best thing in the world morally but to say your utterly disgusted is an extreme overreaction. You say she's always been like that. So why the sudden repulsion?

I'd have nothing to do with this 'friend'. Abhorrant behaviour. Angry because his illness and age are preventing him from full time work, when presumably his employment was keeping them afloat during her illness.

She sounds like a disgusting individual with low morales. Absolutely I'd be distancing myself. By being a soundboard for her she's likely justifying her actions (telling herself you're ok with it.).