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Original poster

Friend having affair - utterly sickened by it

133 replies

NewcastleNancy · 04/08/2025 15:21

A friend has been married a long time

Her husband is getting older now and struggling to find work and then have big money worries. He's 10 year older and wants to retire. But can't as they can't afford it.

They have also both had health worries. Him at the moment. Her in the past. Because he isn't earning much she has had to work full-time and is angry about it.

She told me she is having an affair and wants to end the marriage. But only if affair partner will rescue her. His wife has found out and he ended it but then he started it again.

She has always been unfaithful and lined up the next one before ending the current relationship. This will destroy her husband.

I am finding this so hard. I ended my marriage and went through much pain. Never once did I consider another relationship until I was free and single.

She and I just seem to have different morals.

AIBU to distance myself from her?

OP posts:
NoSoupForU · 04/08/2025 19:06

I'd distance myself from a friend who had morals which were in serious conflict with mine.

That said, I think there's usually more to a story than the crumbs someone tells you about.

Sweatybettyinthisheat · 04/08/2025 19:04

Maybe her DH is struggling with getting older and sicker she's looking elsewhere for some excitement. Ex friend did this and used me as cover by telling her DH she was away on a girls weekend with me or round my house. I was not impressed by getting caught up in her lies. I think she uses the affairs as a distraction from the mundanity of her marriage and the thought of having to eventually to care for him. NMP

CyanDreamer · 04/08/2025 19:03

Mountainviewatsunset · 04/08/2025 16:51

Totally agree with this.

I find it odd to see how many people seem to be flummoxed by the possibility that people change their minds and opinions over time…

especially when it’s probably been informed by life experience

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you don't find it odd that people question someone being absolutely ok with a cheating friend, to suddenly turn round and be outraged by it?

Mountainviewatsunset · 04/08/2025 18:58

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 18:54

Always smile at comments like that
let me guess if I’m not the friend “are you triggered?” Would be your next question @Mountainviewatsunset 😆

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No - my next question is why are you so angry at the OP?

Then, do you drop friends the second they show any behaviour which is less than ideal?

And do you never change your mind about people?

im interested in your viewpoint

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 18:54

Mountainviewatsunset · 04/08/2025 18:53

Are you the friend @Decafcoflove ?

you seem very invested. Why the cross examination?

OP has been her friend for years. You pick stuff up over time.

and if she didn’t have 100% proof before, maybe that’s the answer to your earlier question? She has suspected before but now she knows for certain ?

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Always smile at comments like that
let me guess if I’m not the friend “are you triggered?” Would be your next question @Mountainviewatsunset 😆

Mountainviewatsunset · 04/08/2025 18:53

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 18:46

She's never admitted to an actual official affair before. But she has had 'cross overs' that she kept quiet and we worked out/realised afterwards.

huh? So what you do know she’s “always been unfaithful” as per your OP
or…. ?

Are you the friend @Decafcoflove ?

you seem very invested. Why the cross examination?

OP has been her friend for years. You pick stuff up over time.

and if she didn’t have 100% proof before, maybe that’s the answer to your earlier question? She has suspected before but now she knows for certain ?

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 04/08/2025 18:49

Cheats are selfish scum. If she was my friend she'd have been ditched long ago.

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 18:46

She's never admitted to an actual official affair before. But she has had 'cross overs' that she kept quiet and we worked out/realised afterwards.

huh? So what you do know she’s “always been unfaithful” as per your OP
or…. ?

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 18:44

NewcastleNancy · 04/08/2025 17:45

She's never admitted to an actual official affair before. But she has had 'cross overs' that she kept quiet and we worked out/realised afterwards.

But I was also so much younger and naive. And wasn't married. No children involved back then. Maybe I see it for what it is now.

I don't think I would call her out. But I need distance from what she is doing. As I care about her husband's welfare.

But also this all sickens me. I would hate it to happen to me or indeed anyone I love.

She has always been unfaithful and lined up the next one before ending the current relationship.

so this was speculation rather than fact?

Mountainviewatsunset · 04/08/2025 18:43

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 17:35

Have you been disgusted at all the many other times she’s had affairs?

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Have you never heard sayings like ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’ or the ‘scales fell from her eyes’?

I actually think that anyone is capable of an affair, but people who do it 2,3,4 times have some serious issues. I’d not judge a friend who had an affair, possibly not even if it happened twice, but three times? I’d judge. It’s also different if you know and like the wronged person.

also - what are you trying to insinuate here? Why do you think the OP is ‘suddenly disgusted’?

sunsetoverit · 04/08/2025 18:38

SaladAndChipsForTea · 04/08/2025 16:10

Utterly sickened? How much time do you spend with her that this is even really on your mind?

As long as you do fun things as friends.and she isn't just a general mood hoover, I don't think I could work myself up about someone else's love life.

You are the company you keep.

wheresmymojo · 04/08/2025 17:47

I voted that you’re not being unreasonable as you can choose to end a friendship for any reason you wish, do tell her though, don’t just disappear.

Original poster
NewcastleNancy · 04/08/2025 17:46

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2025 17:21

Well the silly woman is on a hiding to nothing then isnt she?

No man in his 60s is going to leave his marriage to get together with a woman who is making it clear that she expects to be looked after is he? As soon as his wife found out he ended it, that should have told her all she needed to know. The fact that they are back at it again is just him having his cake and eating it, he is just getting his leg over and playing happy husband with his wife!

Your friend is not only eye wateringly selfish she is also worryingly thick if she really thinks that this will end any way that will be good for her!

I think you have hit the nail on the head which is also where I have concern.

This is her trying to improve her life and I think it will end in terrible heartache for her and do the opposite.

But she is in it too deep I fear.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/08/2025 17:46

YANBU. I think she's having pipe dreams .Why is this bloke the one who can't even be faithful to h is Wife (who he made his vows to) going to come and swoop in and rescue her. She's just a convenient shag.

Original poster
NewcastleNancy · 04/08/2025 17:45

She's never admitted to an actual official affair before. But she has had 'cross overs' that she kept quiet and we worked out/realised afterwards.

But I was also so much younger and naive. And wasn't married. No children involved back then. Maybe I see it for what it is now.

I don't think I would call her out. But I need distance from what she is doing. As I care about her husband's welfare.

But also this all sickens me. I would hate it to happen to me or indeed anyone I love.

OP posts:
Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 17:36

Daygloboo · 04/08/2025 17:08

I dint know sbiut morally superior, but well it us shitty behaviour snd prople ste allowed to call it out for what it is

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Absolutely

but the talk of morally superior I find daft

and the op doesn’t seem to have “called it out” all the many other times this friend has been having affairs

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 17:35

NewcastleNancy · 04/08/2025 17:16

I think it bothers me as her husband has been so kind and welcoming. But now is in decline and this will hurt him so much. I wish I didn't know also. I feel complicit.

I'm happily married so not after him :)

I ended a marriage. It did cause hurt but I did my best to make it less painful. I think having an affair, or not, is a choice. Makes it (the end) less painful for you but more painful for the other person.

I think it bothers me more as we are all in our 60's. When she was younger and lined up the next one, I got she didn't have the confidence to be alone and it bothered me less. Plus her ex's always bounced back.

But I don't see her very much so can easily distance myself from it all.

I don't feel judgemental so much as morally triggered.

Have you been disgusted at all the many other times she’s had affairs?

OldMcDonaldHadABigMac · 04/08/2025 17:27

Beaverbridge · 04/08/2025 15:28

Why are you bothered?

Maybe she has morals and doesn't like to see people be cheated on and treated like shit?

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2025 17:21

Well the silly woman is on a hiding to nothing then isnt she?

No man in his 60s is going to leave his marriage to get together with a woman who is making it clear that she expects to be looked after is he? As soon as his wife found out he ended it, that should have told her all she needed to know. The fact that they are back at it again is just him having his cake and eating it, he is just getting his leg over and playing happy husband with his wife!

Your friend is not only eye wateringly selfish she is also worryingly thick if she really thinks that this will end any way that will be good for her!

Original poster
NewcastleNancy · 04/08/2025 17:16

I think it bothers me as her husband has been so kind and welcoming. But now is in decline and this will hurt him so much. I wish I didn't know also. I feel complicit.

I'm happily married so not after him :)

I ended a marriage. It did cause hurt but I did my best to make it less painful. I think having an affair, or not, is a choice. Makes it (the end) less painful for you but more painful for the other person.

I think it bothers me more as we are all in our 60's. When she was younger and lined up the next one, I got she didn't have the confidence to be alone and it bothered me less. Plus her ex's always bounced back.

But I don't see her very much so can easily distance myself from it all.

I don't feel judgemental so much as morally triggered.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 04/08/2025 17:14

LauderSyme · 04/08/2025 17:10

Of course you would not be unreasonable to distance yourself from this 'friendship'. (I put it in brackets because you feel far from friendly towards her).

Stepping away is entirely your prerogative. We all have different ways of fulfilling our emotional needs - and if you can't stomach her way, you need to end the friendship.

Beware of climbing too high up that moral high horse, though. We are all imperfect and fallible.

We'e all imperfect and fallible........but some of us could try a bit harder.

LauderSyme · 04/08/2025 17:10

Of course you would not be unreasonable to distance yourself from this 'friendship'. (I put it in brackets because you feel far from friendly towards her).

Stepping away is entirely your prerogative. We all have different ways of fulfilling our emotional needs - and if you can't stomach her way, you need to end the friendship.

Beware of climbing too high up that moral high horse, though. We are all imperfect and fallible.

Daygloboo · 04/08/2025 17:08

Decafcoflove · 04/08/2025 17:02

Though, to all intents and purposes, OP is morally superior.

you think the OP is fundamentally “morally superior” to her friend? Or fact that she would never have an affair whereas her friend is having an affair makes her “morally superior” on this one particular issue? @Jumpingthruhoops

I dint know sbiut morally superior, but well it us shitty behaviour snd prople ste allowed to call it out for what it is

ViperHalliwell · 04/08/2025 17:03

Friendship is a social relationship of choice. No one has a right to your friendship and you can end a friendship for any or no reason. But if you're not ready to completely end it, can you just tell your friend that her affair is hard for you to hear about and ask her to stop bringing up the subject to you/in your presence?

Daygloboo · 04/08/2025 17:03

Jumpingthruhoops · 04/08/2025 16:51

Well, that's what they say isn't it:
'If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you!'

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Yeah

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