Friend having affair - utterly sickened by it

I really think you need to distance yourself. Her trying to get this man to rescue her is her avoiding taking responsibility for herself. I’m sorry but she’s just not a nice person. She’ll do huge amounts of damage to other people to serve her own wants. I know it’s hard when you’ve been friends for a long time, but if you drop her now, in a year you’ll look back and know you made the right decision. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the middle of things. Ultimately, dishonest and disloyal people are just like this, it’s who they are. Do you honestly think she’d show any loyalty to you if it went against her own interests? If she thought your husband was the best person to save her do you really think she’d give a shit about the impact on you? In her head she’ll be justifying it to herself somehow. Bad people don’t view themselves as bad. They just think they’re clever and everyone else is as self serving as them but not clever enough to do the things they do.

Bit of an overreaction to be sickened

Why are you still friends with her? She sounds awful. Her poor husband.

I've distanced myself from friends with dubious morals before. IMO you can't be friends with someone whose morals are worse than yours. It makes you too different.

Apologies - it was the incorrect use of an exclamation mark by @Decafcoflove

but as an aside, the accusatory tone of the questions she is asking does make it sound like she is angry at the OPs response

That’s not what she said. They weren’t concurrent affairs.

Op said that after the friend was in a new relationship, she became aware there was some overlap between boyfriends. That is sadly very common - especially when younger.

out of interest, how do you think she should react? Does she need to overlook it now because she overlooked it in the past?

What would you do differently? I’m curious

So has she actually admitted the affair to you? How did she do that?

Her private life is none of your business and you don't need to feel sickened by that.
Absolutely distance yourself and celebrate your high morals, if it makes you feel better.

For me what sickened me about the friend's affair was that she was very openly treating people terribly. I remember being at her house and went to see where she had disappeared to in the middle of a bbq, and she saw me coming and slammed the door in my face because, as I later found out, she was on the phone to her lover. She lied and said it was just another friend. This was all while her husband was in the house. She married the first one for the family money - but then left him once the second man came along who had enough money to support her lifestyle. It makes me angry because many women try so hard to salvage relationships and try to be good partners wives and girlfriends, and get nowhere. People like her leave a wake of destruction and get everything they want. It just makes me question what the point in being decent is.

It is curious to have known about multiple affairs running concurrently over the years and sucked it up, but now “disgusted” about it

whatever. Once you’re “disgusted” by a friend Op, safe to say…. It’s time to distance oneself!

You @Mountainviewatsunset said that poster was “angry” not that the poster thinks you are “angry”

I think this is one of those posts where people would be reacting quite differently if it was a male friend cheating on his wife, instead of the other way round.

OP, if you dislike the way someone behaves, you don't have to be friends with them. It's that simple. I've no opinion either way on her affair as I don't know her or her husband or the man she's having an affair with, or what's going on in their lives. But I do think it's perfectly OK and normal to cool off on a friendship if your values are so fundamentally different that you find it hard to deal with.

It sounds wrong of her to be having this affair and awkward you know and are having to keep it secret. For me it would depend on the friendship. You are not the one having the affair. If you value the friendship you can do the morally right thing by saying I think you should tell your husband. If youre not bothered about the friendship or find this clash of values makes it impossible then end the friendship.

@Decafcoflove and if you interpret someone saying they’re ‘interested in your viewpoint’ as being sensitive then I think maybe discussion forums aren’t for you

No - I’m not angry. Nor am I the one having a go at someone who has posted for opinions about something going on in her life…I think it might be you being sensitive.

you are being very accusatory in your questioning of the OP and the tone of your questioning makes it appear that you think OP is somehow at fault. Even after she gives very valid reasons for changing her view you are still criticising her stance.

but you don’t give any reasoning or context as to why you think she is being so out of order. So, non one is any the wiser…Would you care to enlighten us?

End friendship with this conniving cunt and end it now.
Also, tell her husband. If you find it too daunting to do it in person then use an anonymous note.
We need to come down hard on individuals who openly flaunt their despicable behaviour.
I'm sorry your friend has let you down. It seems you've known her for a long time. But you already know the right thing is to cut her loose and find another friend with better values.

OP, having reread all your posts I think I misinterpreted the situation to start with. I took it to mean that she had cheated on her current husband multiple times. Now I’m thinking that it’s that she has usually cheated by starting a new relationship before ending the previous one, but hasn’t done it in a long time as she’s been married.

If I’m right that changes two important things, firstly it’s quite understandable for you to have been more ready to turn a blind eye when you were both much younger, the relationships weren’t as serious, and you were finding out about them after the event.

Secondly, it suggests that her current husband would have been the other man when she was cheating on her previous partner, which I’m afraid does reduce my sympathy for him if he knew about it at the time. We all know that cheaters cheat, and if they’ll cheat on someone else with you, they’ll cheat on you with someone else. Not saying he deserves to be cheated on, just that he may have known what she was like and should have expected it.

Either way, definitely drop the friendship with her. If they do split, you might choose to resume a friendship with him since you say you care about him (obviously be careful not to be dragged into a rebound).

I wouldn’t knowingly associate with somebody like your friend, so yes I’d drop her like a hot brick.

So angry?! Good grief are you so sensitive in RL? Life must be bloomin hard!

It would seem a few on this thread really don’t think that being fine with years of multiple affairs and then suddenly strikes with disgust is… curious

YANBU. She's a selfish people-user. I don't think you owe her an explanation. I'd simply be less available to talk or do things. Let it fade. She should probably be able to guess what the problem is, and if not... Oh well. I wouldn't lose sleep over her possibly hurt feelings, to be honest. You're allowed to end friendships for any reason at all. Not like you took a sacred vow to remain loyal, right? 🙄

I'd step away. Cheating is trashy. I don't particularly care if that makes me judgemental or whatever.

But this is a conclusion that the OP has come to over years ( judging by their ages, at least 30 years…easily more)

there has been nothing sudden about it.

and it’s not that she’s been fine about her shagging this guy and now she’s not. This affair has angered her because this time it’s different…they are older, she knows and likes friends DH. She has re-started it, despite being dumped.

everyone has a breaking point