Friend having affair - utterly sickened by it

Who needs a friend as judgemental as you?

Unfortunately yes.

The main example is my Dad. He had multiple affairs with people over the course of his marriage to my Mum, including one with her sister. Told me he was perfectly happy with my Mum, and had she never found out, he'd have stayed married to her. Luckily she did find out and got rid of him. He had no desire to divorce, apparently loved her, and wanted to spend his life with her. He just liked fucking other people as well. Needless to say, he's a twat.

I've known a few others like it as well, mostly through work, would cheat on their partners by hooking up with people on works nights out. Often went on to marry the partners they cheated on, so can't have been unhappy with them.

Unhappiness in a relationship may contribute to people having affairs, but it's certainly not a requirement. Some happy people cheat too, just because they think they can get away with it.

I ended a friendship because I found out my then friend was having an affair with a married man who had young children.

I just couldn't be friends with someone who had no morals and wanted to break up a young family. All I heard was how wonderful he was in bed... etc.. he never took her anywhere. Not even for a meal. He only wanted to get his leg over and she was convenient. It just didn't sit well with me and she would tell me how wonderful he was. I just couldn't sit there encouraging her relationship. I did try and help her find someone else but she would always go back to him. It was a lost cause so I ended the friendship for my own sanity.

I recently found out a friend of mine had an affair. Hadn’t been married long. I’ve tried really hard to be non-judgemental about it, she’s one of my oldest friends, she knows she did a bad thing and is now in relationship with the ap and it seems to be going well.

…but it has been hard

You know a few people who are having affairs?

Are you close to them? Have they admitted to you? Or do you suspect?

‘I think it's do as you would be done by. But I also think people who are happily married don't have affairs.’

@NewcastleNancy Nope.

Plenty of research out there to show that affairs happen in ‘happy marriages’.

‘Unhappy marriage’ is just one of many many excuses cheats use. Ultimately cheats cheat because they’re selfish and entitled and using someone else to fill whatever void is missing in themselves.

Ha, I know of a few people who are perfectly happy within their marriage, yet still fancy a bit extra on the side.

Some people just want more, regardless of how good what they've already got is.

How much contact do you usually have with this friend Op?

and given your disgust, I’m guessing you weren’t actually reliant on anonymous posters for how you decide to conduct your relationship or end it with your friend of a few decades…. So have you decided what you’ll do?

I would distance myself but I was cheated on by my now ex husband. His AP was married with children and for me it’s the fact that a woman can do this to another woman and also know exactly what chaos will ensue and how many lives will be destroyed. I actually forgave my ex when he confessed and said to him, if you are unhappy, please don’t do this again, just tell me and we’ll part. He lasted 6 months before they resumed their affair which then went on for 3 years ending only because she refused to leave her husband. It resumed again 2 years ago, I found out and we are now divorced. He’s not with her though, he’s with someone else.

Marriages break down, marriages are unhappy, but for the love of god, end them before starting another relationship. It’s a basic courtesy to your spouse if nothing else and a chance to not harm lots of people in the process..plus have a new relationship without it already being tainted from the off.

i also feel the wife of the AP has a right to know her husband is cheating again so she has the opportunity to bin him.

I would be saying to the friend, end your marriage regardless as you’re clearly no longer happy and it’s not fair on the others involved and if you’re not ready to do that then I’ll need to take a step back from our friendship

So you ended your marriage, but she’s not allowed to? Being unfaithful is far from ideal but I wouldn’t be so judgey, sounds like she has a lot on her plate. You can tell her you don’t approve and her behaviour is questionable but I wouldn’t be quite so dramatic as to say you are sickened. Life is complicated, she sounds fed up and she’s getting a release. Not right, but she might need her friends.

In this case it's obvious your friend has no intention of changing & it seems like you're now on different pages. If you continue the friendship, then don't you think you're basically sanctioning her selfish behaviour & compromising your own moral standards? Toxic situation.

Don't ever compromise your own moral standards - for anyone.

Yep she’s not your type. Let her go n do what she wants. Don’t judge just move on

When I think about if this was one of my two very closest friends of decades? Who have seen me through so much, with no judgement, just love and support, who have cared for my children, who I have holidayed with, laughed with, cried with….. No I couldn’t end it over this. I’d be there for her. I know it’s not the PC thing to do, and lots of talk of “morals” on this thread but 🤷‍♀️ I love my two friends as sisters and either one of them having an affair would not be the end of our friendship, not even close

Of course, but it sounds like the friend has done this repeatedly over the years and OP knows her DH so it's all very awkward.

I wouldn't blame OP for distancing herself at all.

Yeah sometimes, people will have affairs whether others are disgusted or not. It's a tale as old as time.

OP, I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to distance yourself.

Yeah, because he sounds like such a catch.

Yes, that is right.... but I cannot do anything about the ones I do not know of.
Call me judgemental if you wany, but I really lose any interest on people I know have cheated. I find that if they are able to cheat on someone special to yhem, then they could easily enough stab me in the back or take the mick. Better not to risk it!

You're never disgusted by the actions of others?

You could decide to end the friendship, painful as that may be. Or your low profile decision may lead to it ending gradually or in all but name.

Yanbu I wouldn't want to be a friend to a person like that.

Slowly distance yourself from this life wrecking cunt.

'Morally triggered'

🙄🙄

you're in your 60's, leave that wank speak to your grandchildren.

in your 60's id expect you to ask your friend WTAF she thinks she's playing at? Her AP had the opportunity to leave his wife & ask her to leave her DH to be with him, he didn't, he (I assume) grovelled around his wife, making all kinds of apologies & promises,.. because he didn't want to lose their life together. (Possibly adult children & grandchildren than
his wife, now he's again wanting his cake & to eat it). Maybe he's told her he loves her & wants to be with her, but doesn't want to risk losing his family...) so they're never going to be together properly & she's risking losing the lovely husband she does have.