To expect DH to still do the night feeds while he’s on paternity leave?

He is on PATERNITY leave?
Then yes he is getting during the night. One night on, one night off so you BOTH get a decent night of sleep.

If she worried about ‘keeping the house running’ (😂😂😂), remind him you’re getting just as much sleep as him.

Im curious to know what’s his idea of what paternity leave means and what’s involved in ‘keeping the house running’.
I suspect it would really enlightening if you were to write down all the tasks you’re both doing during the day and then compare…..

You must be completely exhausted. It’s entirely reasonable for you to share the night feeds. We certainly did and it meant that we could each get a 4-5 hour stretch of sleep, as one of us took the earlier and one of us took the later shift. My DH only had 2 week’s paternity leave and continued to share feeds when he was back at work. Let’s face it, being at work is less exhausting than caring for a newborn! You need to speak to him about how you are feeling as this problem will only grow. Try to resist the temptation to tell him that he is acting like a child needing to be taken care of though. I hope this improves for you as you really need some support.

My DH worked remotely and freelance when DS was born and so cleared his diary for several months to have his own version of paternity leave. We split everything fairly down the middle - both doing housework etc, both taking night shifts in turn.

What I hadn't factored in, and didn't really recognise in the moment, was the impact of having a very tough birth (forceps, massive PPH) and although DS is 11 now, we talked recently about my lingering resentment that we didn't reallocate responsibilities so I did less than 50% and rested much more, as I was in such a state.

To be clear - I never asked him to do more, and he didn't know I wanted him to - it was our first baby and I thought the way I felt was normal. It was only my much easier recovery from our second baby that made me realise that we'd got it all wrong.

What I'm trying to say is that 12 years on, I am still frustrated by my DS's early weeks, which could have been much easier on us all. Talk openly to him and I hope that he does far better.

Dp, I was about to do a load of laundry and put dinner on , then I remembered you said you need to sleep at nights to keep the household running. I’m going to have a nap and look forward to my meal as I was up half the night. Also, I expect you to remember when you go back to work that keeping the household running needs a full nights sleep. Here’s baby, I’m going to grab a good 2 hours as I’m exhausted. Maybe go for a walk after.

Yeah YANBU. With DS1, we took turns sleeping in the spare bed whilst the other did all the night feeds so we had at least one well rested parent. OncecDH was back at work he would still help by getting the bottle while I changed nappy or was rocking him etc and we still took it in turns to feed. If I was struggling I knew I could wake him for help or just moral support and vice versa. You’re in the trenches together.

He can either have complete care of the baby, or complete care of the household, or he can do exactly half of each, anything else is unfair. In fact he should do more that half as you are still recovering from the birth.

Hell no. Keep score

I remember the most vivid fights about who got a lie in on what day

He should be taking turns each night. Since he is off. At the least he should be doing late 11pm feed getting up each morning

When my dh worked he would do the 11pm feed while I went to bed earlier at 8pm. I would do the nights qnd he would try and squeeze in q feed and settle before he went to work to let me sleep on.

Am sorry your H is (so far) doing a crap job of parenting and supporting your recovery from birth.

Night parenting is part of parenting: good fathers and partners do lots of it, including when they are also doing paid work! It’s also not just about feeding.

You mention your DH comments about herring the baby cry through a baby monitor - is the baby in with you and you take them to a different room (where there is a monitor) and that’s what he’s referring to, or are they in their own room already?

he needs to pull his weight. You will be cutting your maternity leave short to allow him to take extended paternity leave - it’s clear he sees this as just done extra holiday from work though. So he pulls his weight or he goes back to work as this just isn’t fair on you or your baby.

One suggestion, if he really struggles with the night wake ups, he stays up to do the last feed before midnight whilst you get an early night. You then do the 2 night wake ups. He gets up with the baby and you get a lie in. You could alternate doing this if he actually gets up (my husband would take so long waking and getting up the baby would be screaming and I’d be wide awake so we implemented the night/morning split).

At just 3 weeks in though, I’d expect him to be bending over backwards to do everything to allow you to recover from pregnancy and giving birth. It doesn’t bode well that he’s acting like it’s all your responsibility. You can guarantee at work he’ll he making out he’s super fucking dad for taking extended leave…. We had one of them at work… but gave himself away when he banged on about how great the timing was to watch the Euros!

Do you mean how can you communicate with your husband?

Ffs

Hubs only got two weeks (& he had to split that!) but he waited on me hand and foot for those two weeks and arranged for one of our parents to be around it he wasn’t. I was ebf but once DD was fed, he did the winding & changing so I could sleep.

Your DH is a selfish lazy prick who should be doing far, far, far more than he is.

Stop cooking. Stop cleaning. In fact, stop doing anything except feeding baby (& you if the prick doesn’t make anything ). Hopefully he’ll get the bloody message.

And if he doesn’t, and you are bottle feeding, see if someone will take you out of the house for a few hours. Leaving baby with him, of course, and ensuring your absence covers at least two feeds. Prime your MIL not to rescue him if you can. That ought to shock him into actually pulling his bloody weight. Oh and I forgot - DO NOT leave ready prepared bottles. Make sure the formula is out & there are sterile bottles in view but that’s all.

Hugs, and congratulations on baby, and commiserations on the lazy spare part.

He needs to go back to work so you get more time on maternity leave. You're going to struggle to get back to work with a young baby as a solo parent. When my DC were 3 weeks old my DH would stay up with baby so I could get some sleep early in the evening, get up early with baby so I could catch some sleep before he went to work. Do night time nappy changes at weekends. All of the cooking, a fair bit of the cleaning and household tasks. Make sure he left me a drink before he left and easily reachable snacks incase I ended up stuck cluster feeding. Your husband is really letting you and your baby down.

If you're bottle feeding, then absolutely he should be taking half the night feeds and doing more around the house. You both need to make the most of the paternity leave, so that you both can take turns in resting. I breast fed, but my husband still got up to help with nappy changing and just keeping me company, whilst he was on leave. Even when he went back to work, if I had a night when I was struggling, he'd still get up, even if it was only moral support.

He absolutely needs to be doing his fair share while off work!

And yes it's normal for them to grunt like a badger.. all bloody night.. 😴

That is disgusting

What a pathetic arsehole. Dh did more housework than yours is doing and still worked full time. This was pre parental leave just 2 weeks paternity.

He would get up for work, get himself ready, be there for Ds so I could shower and get dressed so even if I crawled back into bed I was already washed and dressed. He would make me lunch and snacks and cook dinner when he came in. In fact when he came in he would take Ds off me, tell me to have some time to myself, make a cup of tea and bring it to me all whilst having a lovely chat to Ds who was literally 3 weeks old.

You are on maternity leave to physically recover from growing a human inside you and recovering from whatever birth you experienced. A long time ago this would be called your confinement where the women in your family would look after you, the house and you would just be there for your baby. Your Dh is meant to be your entire village if you don't have one. We didn't live close to family and Dh was hands on, even when I breastfed he would take Ds in the night, wind him, change him and settle him back to sleep. I just fed him.

It isn't a holiday it is shared parental leave to share the responsibility of parenting a newborn. That means you both get up in the night, either alternate nights or shifts.

I did all the nights but my husband did literally everything else

He is taking the piss. Parental leave isn't a holiday.

Men seem to think it is, though, and that's the real reason they want leave. They thought maternity leave was just a long holiday and wanted a bit of it.

Lol.

Sit him down and lay out all that toy are doing, and that you need help. I ckhdinf at night.

I’d say he should still be doing a decent share of the night wakings even if he was back at work. My husband certainly did.

Given he’s on parental leave, it’s pretty disgusting that he isn’t doing it voluntarily nevermind arguing with you when you raise it. Do not let him get away with this, and don’t let him continue to leave most of the housework to you either. Has he only become a lazy shit since the baby arrived, or was he expecting you to do everything before as well?

He treatjng it as annual leave by the sounds of it.

And you’re only 3 weeks in….

doesn't bode well, does it?

it sounds like he’s treating SHARED parental leave as a holiday.

I’d nip this in the bud right now.

Stop doing the laundry (well his and houselaundry) stop cooking (unless you want a snack) and leave the dishwasher (apart from your cup and plate).

Exactly

Threaten to go back to work since he isn't using his shared parental leave to actually share in the parenting?
Hopefully he won't take you up on it tho.

Absolutely ridiculous nonsense, he needs an ultimatum and to slam back down to earth. You really need to nip this in the bud before he goes back to work so that he at least understands how tiring looking after a baby is. If he is not involved now then what will it be like then.

His paternity leave is to allow you to recover from the physically demanding process of growing then expelling a baby.

So you should do little beyond feeding and cuddling said infant.

He should be doing pretty much everything else because he isn’t working. I mean, how hard can it be to do all the things that need doing whether you’re at work or not, when you are not in fact at work?!