To think most “mum friendship groups” are just thinly veiled cliques?

Reading the OP's posts and those of her supporters' has really reminded me of the Incels' mindset.

I agree with this too.

I moved in to where I still live now not long before my ds2 was born. I didn’t know anyone so I made the effort to go to playgroups and baby groups. When I went back to work I even changed my working days around them. I met a real mix of people - some people didn’t want to form friendships but others did. When my ds1 started school, I already knew a few mums from these groups. I made the effort to chat to everyone and make small talk. Again, some people responded in kind and others weren’t fussed. Fair enough. But one woman who I made conversation with on the way home from school is still a good friend of mine. Yes we have a small WhatsApp group and arrange things. We always include others. When my ds2 started school I made the same efforts with people. We often tried to organise meet ups in the pub etc but often people aren’t interested. One woman whose dc1 had just started school and never gave me the time of day said that our group of friends was a bit “cliquey”. It made me laugh!! By this time we had known each other and done the school run for years. She has made her own friends now and I don’t expect her to invite me to her get togethers 🤨

Not RTFT but I think you're right in a lot of cases OP.

Of course some mums just get on well and become close friends.

But in other cases it's definitely a clique that you either qualify to belong to or you don't.

I think it's much easier to find friends in other places - via hobbies and to some extent at work, although I know some MNer thinks colleagues can't be friends.

I was very much outside the school gate clique as I worked full time and I think it was better as I didn't get involved in all the politics.

Usually friendship groups at school were started by a general class invite to the pub then only a few bothered actually going and the ones that did made connections and often became friends. Then others whined about being left out. Not sure what they wanted - gilt edged invitations?!

Good for you for inviting everyone to start off with.. I think you make some very valid points.

Right. And its the double-standards and dishonesty about motives of these posts that pisses me off.

As others pointed out upthread, the fact that people have noticed there's a "bitchy clique" is a clear sign that they themselves want to join this "clique" for their own reasons of social engineering. They want to be in with the in crowd (or they want their kids to be), they see a group of women who they believe are "cool" or "upwardly mobile" and they target them. If they didn't care about this they'd just make friends with people they actually liked, rather than trying to get in with the right crowd.

When it turns out the women they are targeting are quite happy with the friends they already have, or suspicious of their motives or more likely just don't even really give them much thought, they get uppity about it and accuse them of creating a "bitchy school gate mum clique".

If these posters genuinely thought the groups were "bitchy" and "cliquey" they'd just walk away. It's a classic example of something which says far more about the person making the accusation than it does about the person on the receiving end.

But I feel like some people just want to be invited to things and not go or expect close friendship/friendship groups to emerge for them, while making zero effort.

Amen.

Friends don't drop in your lap. We moved here from the other end of the coutnry and I knew not a soul. Damn right I went to the first playgroup bingo night even though I didn't really want to.

this all day long

Aren’t all friendship groups cliques?

I find these chats really interesting. Some of my friends who had children before me felt there were ‘cliques at school’. When my child started school i remembered this, I tried to make the effort to talk to everyone (I feel lucky, I find this kind of thing easy and enjoy meeting new people, so no problem). Some people responded and obviously I chatted to them increasingly. Others didn’t, fine some people don’t want to chat/I’m not everyone’s cup of tea etc
Over time I have had various parties, often invited my sons whole class, had days out, again mentioned these on the year group WhatsApp inviting anyone who wanted to come etc . Joined the PTA, invited anyone who wanted to to come along and help etc.

My son is coming towards the end of primary school and I now have some close friends, I have made through the school. Many people never took me up on any of my offers (as I said this is fine). But of course I eventually stopped inviting everyone to everything. I know me and my friends have been referred to as a clique and it makes me feel sad and actually a bit annoyed. Of course I eventually became better friends with the people who appeared to want to socialise and as I became busier with my child’s activities//working more hours etc I couldn’t put the effort in to organising days out or whatever, so just hangout/have drinks with those I am close to. But I feel like some people just want to be invited to things and not go or expect close friendship/friendship groups to emerge for them, while making zero effort. Friendships form in all walks of life and are not cliques. If you are not part of something and want to be, think about how much effort you yourself have put in. What kind of friend you are? Things have to work two ways. Also before people mention money, lots of the things I have invited people to were free park picnics etc

I truly genuinely don't understand how anyone is at the school gates long enough or frequently enough for this to be an issue. In the morning I'm rushing in and out, or it's before school clubs, same after school. When does this happen?? I've met a couple of Mums I like and there are others that seem to know each other but it's all cordial, I don't know where the time or energy comes for this to happen or to notice anything enough to worry about it, aren't you all running for the bell?? Oh just me then.....

Are they? I didn’t realise that but it would explain the weird sentence construction and shoe horning in of key words with no context.

Are you writing an essay? This reads like the first draft abstract of a work that currently lacks clarity

Delores I think if it’s a group the op is welcomed into it’s a friendship group if not it’s a nasty clique with a queen bee!

I am a traveller but you are just a tourist type thing.

I’ve got a higher degree in English but I’m buggered if I know what any of this bollocks means

I’m not part of any school friendships or cliques, these friendships fall apart as soon as children have some falling out and these friendships always include gossiping about school families and staff. I just say hi bye and go my way

What is actually wrong with some people being friends for a short while and drifting apart afterwards? There's only so much time in your life, are you supposed to stop making friends after a while? Or wait until one dies to create a vacancy?

Yes, people generally need friends, but is there actually specific harm from having friends who suit you for a particular phase of life and not after?

I was just wondering how all these parents were picking up their kids after school. Surely most parents of school aged children both work? It’s much better just to have friends outwith school that you have a genuine connection with rather than just people who happen to have kids the same age.

Quite.

"Women With Children Become Friends" Shocker! Read the alarming details on Page 6.

Women are not required to be universally benevolent in case someone feels intimidated by groups of friends.

Of course and there's nothing wrong with wanting to make new friends in a new environment.

But a surprising number of people seem to expect that school will provide them with a ready made social network (without having to actually do much themselves) and then they get shitty when they find that some mums already have existing friendships. It's as if everyone is expected to be on a totally level playing field all the time: it's not realistic. A lot of mums will have pre-existing relationships dating back to having kids at primary/nursery, for example.

Obviously you're more likely to speak to someone you already know in an unfamiliar situation than to a completely stranger. That doesn't mean you're in a "bitchy clique": it's just using what existing social advantages you have. Nothing wrong with it. People who are completely new to the school/area are always going to have to work a bit harder. And sometimes that's daunting but it doesn't oblige other people to ignore their existing relationships in order to create some parity with everyone.

Aibu to think threads about school gate cliques, are just thinly veiled misogyny

Some are genuine friendships and connections.

Some are cliques that only want people who mirror them, or people who can benefit them in some way.

As I've gotten older, I see that many of my peers, colleagues and even siblings are obsessed with image (they'd never admit it and I'm not sure they're even consciously aware)...but they only want to be seen or socialise with certain people.

Its social currency to socialise with certain people.

This does exist. My secondary school was toxic, and my place of work is equally toxic.

Some of the comments sneering about making friends are quite mean. I had a lovely social life with uni and work friends then met nct friends after having a baby but we then moved to a new city two hours drive away when dd was 2. So yes I wanted to make new local friends not that I “hadn’t kept up with my networks” I wanted like minded women in same boat who lived nearby to go to park with and drink wine after school on Fridays! Fortunately found a brilliant group in new city and 16 years on still all friends

My kids are in their 20s. Just back from a trip to the sun with a group of mums i met when my eldest was 3 and at nursery.

I also have a similar group who still text daily even though the kids we met through are at university now.

So they dont inevitably descend into anything.

@KassandraOfSparta @MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned I might print a T-shirt saying "Queen Bee Bitch" and wear it to school.

Just so the paranoid types know I'm the head of a conspiracy to exclude them and socially disadvantage their kids.

Much easier than failing to smile at the school gates at pick-up.