To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

@ZeroSpoons

so you DONT think it’s the fault of the males in OP’s situation?? You think it’s OP’s fault? Wow! Talk about victim blaming…

So you think an abuser is a safe adult? Interesting.

It was a weird thing to say to him.

Is he used to both parents being verbally abusive?

If they take a joke the wrong way? Interesting... How can a "joke" be taken the wrong way? If you have to say stuff like that, then perhaps it's not a joke. And then we take it further - is it ok to verbally/emotionally abused?

Did the boy abuse? No. So in one respect you're saying that abuse is ok, in another it's not. And you were talking about victim blaming. Maybe stop seeing children as threats, and treat them like children whilst instructing them on what is ok behaviour and what isn't.

Well, I have three sons and I've never had any of them square up to me, swear at me or pack a bag to leave home in anger. But then, none of them have a history of living in a home with domestic abuse, none of them have been primed for violence and I've never told any of them that they are going to die.

What you said to your son was really weird…

Why have children if you abandon them at the earliest opportunity - to think that some parents don't believe that actually parenting involves teaching their children (not absolving themselves of all responsibility). JFC no wonder there's so many dysfunctional families with attitudes like this.

Human beings with our own feelings and yet so many have none for other people. Including suggesting parents abandon their children at the earliest opportunity.

I have 3 sons all taller than me now. When they square up to me I step forward and they back off. But they have never done it in aggression. It's always been jokey.

The dad is at fault here. There's no justification to call you a bitch and aggressively square up. People saying you made a death wish joke are victim blamers.

I had mil say something similar to me for historical physical child abuse to me from my mum. That I deserved it. Reverse roles and see if there's justification for shoving your teen and calling him a wanker.

I asked mil what my dd, her granddaughter could do to justify a kick in the head age 3. "That's different!" But it's not is it?

Our sons will have partners one day and it's our job to stop them turning into your ex.

You are 100% in the right here. Your only crime is hoping your ex could be a better man. He's just an abuser who's keeping a tighter lid on his potential to drop his mask.

This thread is quite scary. Victim blaming shit. Males need to be shown that no matter what is said, if they take a joke the wrong way, if they are frustrated at a bloody washing machine...no matter what... you do not physically abuse. It's really that simple.

I agree with you ...look at my previous posts. There is no justification for him squaring up. But we do need to parent and help kids deal with anger issues and not reinforce them and give them a way they can climb down without escalating

I'd imagine you see this in every situation - all males are evil 🙄 they are to blame regardless...

At 16 if he has a roof over his head I would be enjoying the peace. I totally agree with you. I’m sick of us women having to be the ones to make everything right, it’s not her fault her ex was abusive and it’s not her fault her 16 year old is aggressive. Wait until the lad and Dad square up to each other and he’s begging to come home. We’re not able to fix everything. We are human beings with our own feelings.

Think I'm going to leave this entire thread as there's too many people who are just being argumentative for the sake of it. As well as accusing anyone who disagrees with them of misogyny, which is frankly bizarre. As well as those who want OP to abandon their child, without doing anything to resolve the situation. Or involving the police - how would involving the police help that situation - what you want is that boy (yes boy, not adult - not the abusive ex) to be held responsible for all adult male behaviour - a useful receptacle to hold everything you hate about every man ever, and all in one place. Well if that wasn't a surprise. Scapegoating exists in abusive families too.

Let the OP decide what's best for her family - herself and her children, including that one.

The quoted poster as well as a few others suggest constructive solutions, not just hatred of the male. Would they be the same if the child was a daughter behaving that way? Is that not favouritism? (a noticeable behaviour in abusive/dysfunctional families). Again this is noted in abusive families - where one child is excused for all their behaviour (which includes abuse of siblings), and again where one child is scapegoated for all of the families ills. But of course what I'm saying is not to the OP, it's to many of the extreme people here. People who think that one behaviour, that is actually a reaction, should mean the death penalty (ever heard of reactive abuse?).

@Maddy70

there are no buttons a woman can press that justify a boy or man being abusive to her. End of.
you need to check your internalised misogyny. OP was not at fault here, her son was, and now her ex-husband is, it’s the males in the wrong.

This. He is 16. You leave him to it. He may come round, he may not, but what you don’t do is start emotionally engaging or basically begging. He will take that as weakness.

Well adjusted 16 year olds do not square up to their mothers. You know that. He is old enough to think this issue through and also stupid enough to listen to his self righteous father. But you won’t fix it and can’t.

Anyone that doesn’t have this sort of sense of humour won’t understand and will use it against you, lots of people make jokes like this and I’m going to assume you’re telling the truth that it was light hearted. It’s unfortunate that you said that because now your son can use it against you but don’t let it distract you from the fact that he was physically aggressive - repeatedly and as you were walking away! Ultimately just let your ex keep the little shit. He’s 16, he has a roof over his head. I think it’s a win for you personally, you don’t need it in your life, don’t answer the ex’s texts, let the 16 year old calm down for a week or so and then tell him you’re happy to see him and that you love him as long as he isn’t aggressive with you again. He can be Daddy’s problem now, the mask will slip for both of them soon. My son is a nightmare (19) and he doesn’t have contact with his Dad but let me tell you I would be delighted if he took himself off to his Dads now.

@earlymorningwakeup

OP over reacted??? OP?? What about the son literally assaulting his mother - is that not an over reaction in your book??

Okay, okay, so we are going to ignore his very clearly not misogynistic actual behaviour of doing his own laundry, and instead fixate on one sentence instead to make the case that he thinks laundry is women's work. I'm no impressed by such imbalanced evidence gathering.

And we are also going to forget this is a child / parent situation, where reflecting on how one interacts with one' s children is a normal, healthy part of parenting to improve outcomes, and instead treat this like a equal adult-adult relationship so that we completely say the parent has nothing to learn but the child has.

Nah, not buying it.

This is a child how has experienced living in an abusive household and is still in contact with an abusive father.

Both the mother and the son need to be aware of the effect of that on both of them, the son clearly needs targeted support and boundaries to counteract the effects of this.

This is not a adult-adult LTB situation. This is a child who is still forming.

Yes. She's spent years being abused by the father and now her son is abusing her. The damage is done. She needs to protect herself.

@Bologneselove

FFS, whatever she said doesn’t justify violence against her!!

He’s literally blown up the OPs phone saying the son was reasonable. No ‘impression’ about it. He had the opportunity to pick up his son and then meet with the mother to find out what was going on but instead he decided to validate the son’s actions by accusing his mother of wrong doing. There’s really not much you can do to quickly sort that mess out. I fully expect the son will get into a serious relationship and do exactly the same to the girlfriend/wife. Generational legacy going round and round and round often supported by the courts who will mandate abusive parents to still have access to their kids.

I agree to some extent but by 16 he should know mistakes are yelling, swearing, storming off or even throwing. physical violence particularly towards a women is never ok. Young children learn this if everyone in their lives including dads reinforce that message.

It was an odd joke. However, there is no excuse for threats of physical violence. I'd expect a reaction more like, why'd you say that etc

It sounds like your ex has given him the impression even subconsciously that this is reasonable. It also sounds like anger management issues like hes on edge and doesn't know how to manage emotions.

I think Id be saying come back when you can apologise but since its happened twice id still be setting firm boundaries and saying you'd need to show me youre safe and can be trusted. He needs some anger management support before he hits you or another woman. However, Im not sure how much this is within your control if hes sided with his dad.

I expect them to me managing and responsible for their behaviours as soon as they are able with supportive guidance from their parents, which allows them to make mistakes and come back from them and learn how to be better whether that is age 2 or 20!

That’s a personal attack and against the rules of the forum. You might want to report your own post.