To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

I get where you’re coming from but it isn’t about it not being “fair” per se. Op leaving just reinforces that you can become physically aggressive to get someone to stop behaving in a way you don’t like. It encourages that behaviour. He's then left entirely consequence free (in fact in a better position because mum isn’t here so no rules) and leaves the brother at risk too (if he’s violent towards her he could just as well be violent towards him), while she can’t even come home.

She can’t force him to go to counselling so if he refuses she’s at a stalemate and either needs to go back home and show that being stubborn as well as aggressive will get him his own way, or stay out of the house indefinitely.

She’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t because she’s saddled with a shitty, abusive co-parent. Expecting his dad to help in anyway is naive at best, but they’ve apparently coparented civilly since they broke up and he hasn’t been overtly abusive (as in directed at them) to the children before, so it wasn’t that much of a bizarre choice made under pressure

I originally thought you were agreeing with me until you got to the ' Would they ( which did include me as in the previous sentence you said me and a few other posters) be the same as if it were a daughter? Is that not favouritism? Which we see in dysfunctional families' bit. Because the only way I can see to interpret that is that I am favouring males and you see favouritism as a dysfunctional family trait.

Sorry if you didn't mean that, but that does appear to be the plain meaning of what you wrote.

What did you mean by that then?

Agree your DS should apologise to you for his aggression and abusive language. 100% not acceptable. Understandable you were affected.

However, are you planning to apologise to your DS for joking about this?

Having a laugh is important, but doesn’t set a good example to joke about violence or death. Why do it? It may not be meant to cause harm, but if you say that to a person who (possibly unbeknownst to you) is feeling so depressed and anxious they might feel like they want to die, it can be very harmful.

Also, might be helpful to reflect on why you told him to leave and go to his father’s home. IMHO would be better to deal with it yourself: (if safe) calmly suggest he goes to his room until he’s calmed down or remove yourself from his presence, rather than send him to his other parent to deal with. It can be damaging for kids of any age to be rejected by a parent. It’s best they stay at home when feeling like that. If you ask them to leave the house, they may be a danger to themselves.

Also, might help to treat him as a young adult rather than telling him what to do like a child. If his elder brother needed the dryer, he could’ve asked him directly to move his stuff. Was there any need for you to intervene? If he ends up with musty laundry, it’s his choice. In a calmer moment you could explain how to operate the dryer correctly. Also, it’s pretty impressive these days for a 16yo to be dealing with their own laundry. Helps to give credit where it’s due: praise rather than criticism.

Ignore your ex. He’s definitely being abusive and likely bad-mouthing you to your DS. He’s basically capitalising on a fairly typical parent-teenager scenario.

Arrange to meet with your DS somewhere neutral and hear what he has to say first. Truly listen to his pov with humility. Tell him you love him and want him home. Show him you regret how you acted (if you do). But be firm that, as a man, it’s important he learns ways not to be aggressive or abusive when frustrated or aggrieved. Walk away, breath deeply, distract himself (with music, tv etc) and chill.

With my teen/young adult kids, it helped afterwards to see the funny side about how we both behaved to relieve tension and avoid on-going resentful. None of us are perfect all the time. On that note, hopefully it’ll all come out in the wash.

Someone is on the Kool aid early today ...

Nah, I can’t be polite about all the absolute weirdos on this thread clutching their pearls and whimpering over ‘Omg, why would you threaten to KILL your child??????!!!’

Feck, me get a fecking grip, would you? She obviously hasn’t really threatened to kill her kid. Anyone with a minuscule amount of social intelligence can tell it’s a joke.

What’s even worse is the ones justifying the kid’s behaviour or (pretending badly) not to know what that means. Are you thick? Squaring up to someone is knocking your chest with theirs to initiate a fight or aggression. That isn’t a teenager ‘over reacting’. It’s a teenage boy behaving violently or for all you who can’t see that, threatening an act of violence. Against his mum. Because she made a joke about him being an eejit over the dryer? Not a normal reaction on the teenager’s part.

If any of my brothers did that to my mam they’d have been ten feet under. Regardless if the kid has gotten it from his dad it’s not acceptable.

OP, please don’t listen to half the plonkers on here. I get what you meant. Your boy needs some kind of therapy to deal with his reactions because that isn’t a typical response.

I think I agree with others that everybody overreacted here. That being said, you cannot live in a situation where your son thinks it is acceptable to physically intimidate you as a response to a perceived slight. When your son calms down I think accepting him back at the home requires a discussion about how you will deal with escalating tension, and that neither of you are permitted to physically intimidate the other. I think calling the police is better than calling his dad.

I'd have done more than throw him out. If anything you underreacted. He's going to become a very angry violent man if this behaviour is allowed to continue.

I took it to mean ‘do you want to die’ i.e. catch a death cold from the damp clothes. Nothing mean at all.

Op whereas I completely agree with not showing your son the screenshot. Dont shy away from being honest either about their dad's behaviour. You don't need to insult their dad or tit for tat but point out when its appropriate to that dads handling of the situation was not correct and some communication he sent over was offensive.

Way to focus on entirely the wrong thing. Always the victim’s fault right?

For the holier than thous breaking their necks to justify this behaviour and blame it on OP:

This is not the first time he’s done it

He was clearly not feeling under threat but insulted by a mere woman who should have been doing his bidding as soon as he snapped his fingers

She sent him to his father as he had not been abusive whilst coparenting yet showed his true colours once asked to correct behaviour in his son that he himself had enacted

But it’s on OP to watch what she says, don’t provoke, don’t punish, ignore the fact that she was the victim of the abuse and not protect herself.

I witnessed and was subject to extreme DV as a child but I’ve never once been violent to another person as a result.
Despite receiving very real verbal threats of harm, I was and still am able to discern between real threats and figures of speech.

But I am a woman so have some magic ability to behave correctly despite all that which male children seem to lack according to the handmaidens.

Next time any of you wring your hands about VAWG and what can be done, expend some of your righteous judgement on yourselves.

That's really scary and upsetting OP. Obviously it was a mistake to involve his dad, but as far as kicking him out of the house, you did exactly right. His behaviour was violent and aggressive and I would be seriously considering what's next in terms of making sure he understands the completely unacceptable nature of what he did. I think I would make it clear that if there is a next time, he won't be allowed back in the house. Maybe ask him to decide what he should do now to make amends and change his ways. He might suggest some MH support or counselling, which may be a good idea.

Posters may not have explicitly condoned the sons behaviour, but there have certainly been one or two "It was wrong, but...." when really when it comes to males threatening violence against women there should never be a but. There have been some minimising and attempts to normalise "its a teenager being a teenager" and a lot of focus on the OPs comment which serves to divert attention from the seriousness of her sons. None of which is remotely helpful, including to the son.
Young males showing tendancy to aggression towards women must be taken extremely seriously and urgently addressed. The way to address it is for them to manage their anger and control themselves, not for the focus to be on the women they intimidate avoiding upsetting them, as its not possible to protect men from the possibility of ever hearing a comment they don't like. Men who don't learn its their responsibility to excercise self control are not only a danger to women, but risk ruining their own lives through criminalisation, so excuses do no favours.

@tothelefttotheleft

is that really the thing that you’re picking out to focus on?? Not the violence/aggression? Really??

I worded it clumsily but I’m just saying - I wouldn’t throw him out knowing he would just have the option to go to abusive dad and learn more abusive behaviour.

I wouldn’t accept it, I would remove myself from the situation and probably stay with a friend or go to a hotel, as at that age she can absolutely leave the house and leave him and brother at home. Before coming back I would firmly tell him he has to get some counselling, I suspect the boy has picked up a lot of the behaviour from his dad sadly anyway. Yes it’s unfair the victim leaves but if safety is the concern it’s probably the safer option to get yourself out anyway.

It’s in no way acceptable but I would not want to push him closer to his dad knowing the history.

You did the right thing @summerviews
There has to be zero tolerance for VAWG.

You've taught him a valuable lesson. I'm so sorry he behaved like that to you.

@summerviews

"Having said that, bother had been acting overly menstrual the last couple of weeks. "

The language and expressions used in your house seem very unpleasant.

I know, some posters will resort to some real flights of fancy to try to shift from a male to a female.

This is learned behaviour from being a child and seeing an abusive relationship - it’s not right but you and your ex need to address the history

Ah. Sorry for misreading that. Poor woman. It sounds as though she has done a lot to build a happy violence-free home for her boys, and is trying very hard to do the right thing. Hopefully the older boy can be a positive influence here, sort of the father figure his own actual father is clearly incapable of being.

Cannot believe all the crap that OP has copped from some posters.

There’s been no update as to the son … OP was referring to his older brother in the post.

I know.. a quantum leap!

Rather than telling her what not to do, can you explain what you would have done in the immediate term to a physically mature male physically threatening you in your home when you are also the victim of abuse?

How on Earth was I attacking you? I was agreeing with you. That question wasn't to you - I thought it was pretty obvious - maybe it wasn't, but I'm not thinking anyone here is genuine - is this some sort of mind game? You play devil's advocate then switch sides? Am I best to just delete my account and moving on? Only reasonable one? Are you seriously trying to make out I'm trying to win popular opinion? Seriously this place is bizarre. I don't care about what you think. I can't begin to imagine how you got here. I had a problem with people cherry picking, and not being sincere, but I see you're some sort of plant that preys on people trying to be true. Makes them think they're (you) genuine and then...

Oh well.

No point talking to any of you. Maybe it is me that's bizarre - expecting decent behaviour and understanding. I'll go back to thinking people are untrustworthy, as clearly evidenced. Go on feel righteous.