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Original poster

To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

415 replies

summerviews · 03/08/2025 23:31

I have been busy all weekend sanding the staircase. My son brought two big bags of washing down and asked if they could be done. I said of course.
An hour or so had passed and I thought I'd ask him to put a wash on. He did this, no bother.
A couple of hours later I asked him to pop his washing into the dryer. Which he did.
Roll on this evening my eldest came home and wanted to get a wash on ready for work tomorrow. He put it on a quick wash. Once it's done, he goes to the dryer and realises stuff is in there and it's still wet! My 16 yr old son says he doesn't know why, and wants to take it out regardless. I explain that he should keep it in the dryer and let it dry properly or the clothes will stink if left damp or wet. He tells me I'm to blame as the dryer is my responsibility. I let this narky comment slide and calmly tell him to leave the washing in and turn it back on.
I know what's happened, he's put his washing in there earlier and not started it at the beginning of the cycle, so it's only done a half cycle, if that. But I say nothing (I pick my battles).
Literally less than five mins later 16 yr old walks to dryer and begins to pull everything out to check if it's dry yet. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I say "son, do you actually want to die?! In a playful, yet exasperated tone. "Put the washing back in!" I get up and begin to make my way over there to put everything back in, as he's just standing there with an angry look. As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing) he's done that to me once before a very long time ago and he was distraught with himself for being so horrible to me. I'm shocked at his reactions to say the least as it was never that deep as I now realise he's being aggressive and this is ridiculous behaviour. I tell him to stop and to have some respect, I remind him I'm his mother and to never do that to me again because I won't tolerate it! He then loudly shouts that I'm a "BITCH!" in my face. So I quickly walk away from him. I'm literally gasping for words, as I'm so upset and shocked. I shout to him to pack a bag and get out, that I will not stand for violent abusive behaviour from a child of mine.
I text his dad to come and get him (were not together). I say to him, don't ask my why ATM, son will explain.
He goes upstairs packs some stuff and leaves, shouting a cheery "bye everyone!" as he goes. Once son has left, I text dad asking him to talk to son about domestic abuse and that I don't tolerate it, and that I am ashamed of son's actions.
An hour or so later my phone is flooded with voice notes and messages from his dad accusing me of saying "do you want to die??" And that son was right to react the way he did and me saying it was abusive and violent is just the sort of thing I would typically do.
Ex was extremely abusive when we were together. That's the reason I left him.
Since then he has been a great father. No signs of abuse with new partner and soin look up to him.
For the rest of the evening I'm told I'm cancerous and is why no one wants to be with me and I'm a pathetic excuse of a mother.
I remind him of the abuse he has done when together and that I should not have expected anything in the way of advice to son from such an abuser. He continues to flood my phone with how I deserved what I got when we were together and that son is better off with him as I'm a pathetic excuse.
I blocked him. I can't take anymore of his abuse. I have been sobbing all evening.
I know my son will be upset with his actions today.
I was hasty in calling his dad, I know that now. At the time I was frightened and wanted to show my son I wouldn't tolerate such abuse.
I'm still sobbing. I don't want my son turning out like his father. I shouldn't have sent him to him. I've sent him into the lions den.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2025 01:51

I get it.

Its like "Mum, I am going for a bath now" when I am filthy after some DIY or something and me saying "Not unless you have a death wish you aint!!" in a laughy jokey way.

My youngest son got like this just before he turned 15. I was a single parent too and looking back he was trying to Alpha. Ended up with me slapping him around the face for screaming "FUCK OFF!!!!" right up close. So he called the police to get me arrested.

Got the biggest bollocking of his life from the police.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/08/2025 01:47

Ultimately, he's a child and you have an obligation to continue to parent him. So address the bad behaviour, absolutely, but throwing him out isn't great. Sending him to another caring parent so you can both cool down isn't throwing him out, though.

I'd ignore your arsehole ex and try to reconnect with your ds.

caringcarer · 04/08/2025 01:46

I think I might leave him to stew for a day or two before messaging him you need to meet up to chat. He will have felt bad today thinking of his poor behaviour towards you. Hopefully he will apologise to you.

pikkumyy77 · 04/08/2025 01:44

Look—he is suxteen and he overreacted and experienced you as threatening him. And vice versa. Both of you are survivors of domestic abuse—both of you have PTSD. You also overreacted and treated him like a massive, threatening, male abuser. Like his father, in effect. You did not offer him any way to back down and reconnect or apologize to you while in the home. Now you are dealing with the fallout from this overreaction.

I get that at 16 he seems in your eyes to have jumped up to enemy territory. But there were lots of ways to de-escalate and return to normal relations. Stepping back, asking him to go to his room, apologizing for startling him, making a joke—these all might have defused his impetuous overreaction and allowed his more rational and maternal brain to come back on line. Throwing him out of the house and asking your abusive ex to play “big daddy” and threatening corrective was destructive to your mother/son relationship.

Hankunamatata · 04/08/2025 01:37

Do you want to die - is a bit of an odd thing to say to a teen checking the dryer

Anyway. He sounds like a raging bag of hormones. Iv 3 boys similar age. Happened couple times with older two.

I blanked them and walked away to de escalate the situation as they had wound themselves up too much to be able to regulate.

What's done is done. Block ex. Message son tomorrow and ask to meet with him for lunch or coffee. Have a chat. Explain how you felt and your door is always open etc. If he is receptive perhaps coping mechanism or a workkj g out a key word when he is wound up and need not take time out or needs space

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/08/2025 00:56

He over-reacted. It wasn't threatening, pretty normal around here for parents to make playful threats, no-one is running for a weapon actually going to kill there child.

Original poster
summerviews · 04/08/2025 00:51

My comment to him was made in a "do you want a death wish" kind of jokey way. I didn't mean any harm at all 😞

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/08/2025 00:46

Your ex is a total prick. He took advantage of the situation, Your DS was completely out of order too, most likely learned behaviour from his father.
Your DS needs to acknowledge his mistake and seek counselling or anger management.
Can you connect with youth support groups in your area.
I'd give him the chance to redeem himself but he has to engage with services.

Newstove · 04/08/2025 00:45

Of course your son knew it wasn't a death threat when you said 'do you want to die'. He was being a shit, probably influenced by his horrible father.

Your only mistake was expecting his dad to say something to him - he used this an opportunity to abuse you, rather than provide guidance to his son.

It is completely unacceptable for him to have squared up to you like that, and you were right to call him out on it. You need to show him that physical intimidation is always wrong.

Could your older son taln to him tomorrow, and let him know that his behaviour was unacceptable?

You can talk to him too, tell him you want him home, but there had to be respect, he does not square up to any woman ever again.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/08/2025 00:35

My first action would be to call the police. They have to learn this is what happens if you are violent towards a woman. It may seem harsh but even once is too often.
They need to learn fron day one this behaviour is unacceptable.
It probably wasnt a good idea to send him to his abusive father.

Bologneselove · 04/08/2025 00:25

Why would you say that to your son. It’s a weird thing to say. Not condoning his behaviour as it was clearly poor but are you sure yours wasn’t too?

TheLivelyViper · 04/08/2025 00:16

Please get your son away from his dad, having someone who is clearing misogynistic along with social media and the rise of misogyny generally will turn him on a very bad path. You don't have to be involved but when he goes back to school, please report to DSL and Head of Year just so they can get other services involved, it takes time but I have seen this oath be reversed when intervention occurs. You can also report to the police, call or message the non-emergency line 101, just to have it on record, along with the abusive messages and also so his dad's reaction will be kept on file (just in case). @summerviews I'm sorry about your experiences both from your son and his dad, you don't deserve any of it. You are not overreacting.

Jaws2025 · 03/08/2025 23:48

I wonder was it said similarly to "have you got a death wish" - but it doesn't sound like it was taken as a joke by the son.
Why would the abusive ex be a good person to discuss domestic abuse with?
I think him being out tonight is a good thing but I would message him (your son, not the ex) in the morning and ask to speak to him.

Eenameenadeeka · 03/08/2025 23:44

He behaved badly, but what did you mean when you said "do you want to die?" Because its an odd thing to say? A threat?

JamesMacGill · 03/08/2025 23:36

How dare he. There seems to be a spiralling number of teenage boys intimidating their mothers physically and verbally now. No throwaway joke (even if it landed wrong) justifies his behaviour. Leave him at his dad’s, he can come back when he’s ready to grovel. And tell him if he does that again he can live with Dad for good next time.