To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

Yeah, my mum thought that when she said, I'll kill you or I'll kill the pair of you.

I never thought it was funny or playful.

Asking our son if he wants to die over some washing in dryer.

Oh wowIf she wanted him gone, his dad's taken him job done.

Mumsnetters will search hard for a reason that this is your fault - ‘you both behaved badly’ is a common ‘gotcha!’ on threads but in the real world relating to an obvious joke with violence is scary and unacceptable. It seems your son has anger management issues and the most important thing to be honest about is this:
Ex was extremely abusive when we were together.
He needs help, because this is escalating - I don’t think him being at his dads is a good idea, you see how quickly they revel
in abusing you together. They are both getting a lot out of pretending this is your fault. Your ex gets to rewrite history and excuse his actions and your ds is enabled to behave towards you however he likes. Don’t waste time engaging with justifications. I think he should come home asap - what’s his brothers take on it?

Oh yes also an apology and an acceptance that he was out of order.

I don’t think squaring up to your mum in that fashion is normal behaviour for a teenage boy. I don’t know why posters are acting as if it’s acceptable. I would definitely make comments to my teenager about “ ass whoopings” or similar said in a jokey way. He’s got arsey because things weren’t playing out the way he was expecting with the clothes - talk about over reaction. What I’d do going forward slightly depends on how much he was exposed to domestic violence when he was growing up. Some patterns might have been set if he was ever exposed to the violence / abuse that you suffered. I think he might need some therapy if he hasn’t already had it. ( this is on your ex not you OP but I’m guessing you’re the one still affected by it )

He behaved badly, but what did you mean when you said "do you want to die?" Because its an odd thing to say? A threat?

I get what op said. It was a joke.

Blimey I've said stuff like that to mine when they are doing something daft, like going out on a freezing cold day with no coat. Ive even sung the song 'Dumb ways to die' and put my own words to match hat they are doing and I've never had them squae up to me or call me a bitch. It gets a laugh and an affectionate ' Mother!' Its not an aggressive term.

Im seeing it was meant to be playful and it's been twisted on the op.

He'd be staying with his Dad until he's acknowledged that what he did was wrong and apologises properly. I know he's your boy, but giving in on this will not do him any favours in the long run

Ah fck off. Stop blaming her.

Well given that OP says her ex is verbally abusive, why is everyone assuming get son would have automatically got the joke. Maybe he has experienced threatening behaviour from his father and a comment like that from OP triggered his fight or flight.

I don’t think we can demand respect while making threats to our children like that. To me it’s not a joke, especially if said while approaching someone. OP’s son behaved badly but so did OP. In circumstances where OP knows her son has an abusive father, her own parenting, behaviour and conduct needs to be exemplary to counteract the father’s influence as much as possible.

Really? You can’t see anything wrong with sending a child, all be it a teenager, out of their home and off to spend time being taught how to be less agressive by an abusive adult with a history of domestic violence? Well.

I do think OP deserves gentleness, as I can’t imagine these decisions have been easy and it probably felt very scary, but pretending her every action has been correct is just silly, @Absentmindedsmile .

I would block your ex, OP, and try to regain your son into your home. I don’t blame you for your reaction- I’d want to come down on that with a ton of bricks- but is there a better male role model in the family who could help? Or some local services worth considering?

I can’t believe people are saying such ridiculous things about the do you want to die comment!
it was clearly said in a jokey, do you have a death wish kind of way ffs. As if she means it. Anyone that has teenage children would know that. Rather than address the issue of how upset OP is, let’s say about that comment and blame her hey?
That was awful behaviour from your son and your shit ex is an arsehole OP.
Tell your son in a serious calm way that if he ever acts like that towards you again then he can go. Tell him you will absolutely not tolerate that behaviour in your house. And mean it. Bloody cheek. I wouldn’t even discuss it with him, just tell him that

If my son did that to me he would have been straight out the door no return. No way would I stand for that from anyone

If my son did that to me he would have been straight out the door no return. No way would I stand for that from anyone

Nah, I don’t care what you said your son had NO RIGHT to square up to you like that.

You’re his Mum, how dare he.

Don’t rush and patch things up, give conditions, if he really cares or is remorseful he will want to change, e.g go to therapy together, domestic violence courses etc.

Don’t get into an abusive cycle with your son, where he thinks you will forgive him and quickly move on… he will soon be in a relationship and if this is the way he thinks he can behave with his mother think about how he may behave with a partner.

also you didn’t know what his Dad would say, but stand firm and keep reinforcing your boundaries. Your son is old enough to know better and when he feels remorseful you can have a proper conversation and also discuss his Dads reaction and explain why is harmful and damaging but also explain in that moment you had no other choice but to send him there.

Good luck OP, I have a teenage son myself and I can only imagine how devastated you are feeling.

Not sure what to say except you’ve done nothing wrong, it’s not your fault, and big hugs xx

Disappointing to read some responses minimising the aggressive and violent response of a 16 year old male towards his mother. That behaviour is never acceptable or excusable.

His Dad is not a good role model and his responses to you are not acceptable. Please do not continue to reply to him, block his number if necessary.
Let things calm.down and see how your son responds going forward. Perhaps suggest some counselling or family therapy with clear boundaries and help with better communication techniques.

Whether or not you did the right thing in the heat of the moment isn’t really the important but now.
Do you want him to come back to live with you? That’s what you need to consider, and if so how are you going to go about that.
I’m gueasing his dad doesn’t want him there all off the time or he wouldn’t have been irritated and sent horrible texts, he’d have just welcomed him with or arms and ignored you. So if you do want him back, then your ex is probably with you on that. You’ll have to be subtle about it though your ex and your DS don’t just tell you can’t have what you want.

Personally I do think you were too hasty. You were trying to make a stand to show the behaviour totally wasn’t acceptable, but I think at 16 a very firm verbal warning would have been more appropriate. And you haven’t actually thrown him out, he’s just spending some time with his father. That is what I would emphasise to your DS; you haven’t “thrown him out” and abandoned him, you both just needed some time to cool off.

I think you handled this very badly. Teenage boys are rude sometimes. How you handle this is crucial to your ongoing relationship. He was frustrated about the washing/drying. His behaviour was bad but you don’t tell your own child to leave in this sort of situation unless you are trying to be dramatic. You are the parent and the adult. Your teenage son is still learning how to handle anger and frustration and his brain is still ten years off being fully developed. He will make mistakes.

I get it, it was sarcasm /joking. Your son is a shit, call the police next time.
Sending him to his dad’s was a bad call but I can see why you did it. He will come back, once he’s calmed down.

Exactly this

What you said was strange but his reaction wasn’t ok either.
I know it was desperation but sending him to his fathers sounds like it may have the opposite effect.
When he’s back apologise for what you said but also lay down some clear boundaries for both of you to break this cycle of abuse.

'Do you want to die?' is incredibly aggressive directed at anyone but particularly at someone who has witnessed domestic abuse. He said, 'say that again' and I don't know why that wasn't the point were you said, 'sorry, it was a poorly phrased joke'.

You both reacted through the lens of people who have been made vulnerable by the actions of a thug, and then you phoned that thug up to pick up your son and sort things out.

I think you need to pick up your kid tomorrow and patch things up.

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. It is horrible if someone behaves like that, regardless of whether it is a family member. It is shocking.

You were absolutely correct to say to your son his behaviour was completely unacceptable. I understand why you wanted him out of the house but maybe it wasn't best in this case because it is your son and not your ex husband who did this, and you need to keep a strong relationship with him.. He is not an abuser, like his dad, he is a hormonal teenager who behaved terribly but it was out of character. Maybe something else is going on with him at school or elsewhere for him.to lash out?

You can fix this situation. You need to set boundaries with your son but also get him to understand your shock and upset which led him to be asked to leave. Don't mention his dad at all and ignore his abusive dad's comments- the 'do you want to die' comment was so obviously a joke that he is being ridiculous trying to make out it was serious.

Your son will come back to you. Just be patient and give him time to understand his own behaviour was wrong.

You are all far too aggressive with each other. It's become the norm. I get you meant it as a joke but that's very aggressive language. Family jokes can be far softer and sillier.

More worrying, given he must have witnessed or been aware of your ex's behaviour, is that he registered what you said as threatening not funny. Sounds like he's in a culture, among friends and his dad perhaps, where he has to stay alert to verbal threats of physical violence.

I'd want to chat to him. Explain it was meant as a light hearted joke and you want to hear his side of the story. How come he took it as a genuine threat? Really listen to him and get him to really listen to you about how it feels to have your own loved son use an offhand joke as a reason to physically attack you. Then both set some respect boundaries and stick to them.

Bit of an over reaction on your part OP. So he forgot to put the dryer on a longer cycle so his clothes werent totally dry - all been there.

You slapped him round the face? WTF? That is not the same as what has happened to OP. Not on any level.