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Original poster

To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

415 replies

summerviews · 03/08/2025 23:31

I have been busy all weekend sanding the staircase. My son brought two big bags of washing down and asked if they could be done. I said of course.
An hour or so had passed and I thought I'd ask him to put a wash on. He did this, no bother.
A couple of hours later I asked him to pop his washing into the dryer. Which he did.
Roll on this evening my eldest came home and wanted to get a wash on ready for work tomorrow. He put it on a quick wash. Once it's done, he goes to the dryer and realises stuff is in there and it's still wet! My 16 yr old son says he doesn't know why, and wants to take it out regardless. I explain that he should keep it in the dryer and let it dry properly or the clothes will stink if left damp or wet. He tells me I'm to blame as the dryer is my responsibility. I let this narky comment slide and calmly tell him to leave the washing in and turn it back on.
I know what's happened, he's put his washing in there earlier and not started it at the beginning of the cycle, so it's only done a half cycle, if that. But I say nothing (I pick my battles).
Literally less than five mins later 16 yr old walks to dryer and begins to pull everything out to check if it's dry yet. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I say "son, do you actually want to die?! In a playful, yet exasperated tone. "Put the washing back in!" I get up and begin to make my way over there to put everything back in, as he's just standing there with an angry look. As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing) he's done that to me once before a very long time ago and he was distraught with himself for being so horrible to me. I'm shocked at his reactions to say the least as it was never that deep as I now realise he's being aggressive and this is ridiculous behaviour. I tell him to stop and to have some respect, I remind him I'm his mother and to never do that to me again because I won't tolerate it! He then loudly shouts that I'm a "BITCH!" in my face. So I quickly walk away from him. I'm literally gasping for words, as I'm so upset and shocked. I shout to him to pack a bag and get out, that I will not stand for violent abusive behaviour from a child of mine.
I text his dad to come and get him (were not together). I say to him, don't ask my why ATM, son will explain.
He goes upstairs packs some stuff and leaves, shouting a cheery "bye everyone!" as he goes. Once son has left, I text dad asking him to talk to son about domestic abuse and that I don't tolerate it, and that I am ashamed of son's actions.
An hour or so later my phone is flooded with voice notes and messages from his dad accusing me of saying "do you want to die??" And that son was right to react the way he did and me saying it was abusive and violent is just the sort of thing I would typically do.
Ex was extremely abusive when we were together. That's the reason I left him.
Since then he has been a great father. No signs of abuse with new partner and soin look up to him.
For the rest of the evening I'm told I'm cancerous and is why no one wants to be with me and I'm a pathetic excuse of a mother.
I remind him of the abuse he has done when together and that I should not have expected anything in the way of advice to son from such an abuser. He continues to flood my phone with how I deserved what I got when we were together and that son is better off with him as I'm a pathetic excuse.
I blocked him. I can't take anymore of his abuse. I have been sobbing all evening.
I know my son will be upset with his actions today.
I was hasty in calling his dad, I know that now. At the time I was frightened and wanted to show my son I wouldn't tolerate such abuse.
I'm still sobbing. I don't want my son turning out like his father. I shouldn't have sent him to him. I've sent him into the lions den.

OP posts:
ZeroSpoons · 04/08/2025 08:04

CountFucula · 04/08/2025 07:24

Is squaring up to someone ok if you don’t understand a joke? Or if you are so wooden headed you think you are going to be murdered but instead of sense checking ‘this is my mum, she’s talking about washing and has no bladed weapon, the threat level is low’ you decide to act on your fight or flight, that is perfectly justifiable??

Victim blaming hoo ha on this thread. “Put up with male violence because unless you behave in a completely non threatening and joke free manner what can you expect! “
My bar is set a bit higher for the men in my life, thanks.

Edited

You don't understand abuse. Kid felt threatened - should he do nothing and be (as he will feel) mistreated, or react in the only way he can become of the power imbalance.

Some people struggle with understanding sarcasm, and some people grow up in a family where truth and lies are inconsistent, and so how do you know when something's a joke or serious if it's never the same. When it's like that, it's not because we are stupid (thanks for the suggestion that unless we get your jokes we must be an idiot). Someone might find it funny, albeit really cruel to threaten a child, to humiliate them (publicly as well) etc. Who has the power in this relationship? The mother or the son? The mother says that the ex was abusive, and yet somehow everyone thinks that won't have affected the son in any way except negativity and allegedly copying his behaviour. Seriously educate yourselves. Is it possible that he has been affected by witnessing it, and further that he himself has been subject to it. Perhaps his father has threatened him.

Sarcasm as it's often badly veiled aggression or mockery - all for the amusement of the speaker and none for the victim. Often used by people with low empathy. I have to ask, did the mother tell the son why or how the washer/dryer operates, or just randomly said that? I was not allowed to use either without explanation (so I did whilst they were out). They liked to control everything.

Eaglemom · 04/08/2025 08:04

Everyone getting hung up on OP's you want to die comment. Completely missing the point. What sort of lives do people.on here lead if you can't say things in a jokey way, I can see what you were doing there OP, trying to keep things light, even if others are clutching their pearls over it.
As for your son you have shown him you wont have him near you if he acts like this, it's just a shame your ex is such a prick.

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 04/08/2025 08:03

Gettingbysomehow · 04/08/2025 00:35

My first action would be to call the police. They have to learn this is what happens if you are violent towards a woman. It may seem harsh but even once is too often.
They need to learn fron day one this behaviour is unacceptable.
It probably wasnt a good idea to send him to his abusive father.

Having seen an extended family member call the police on both her children when she felt they had stepped out of line, I do not think this is a good idea.

They have both turned into lovely adults and they no longer speak to her.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/08/2025 08:01

BusWankers · 04/08/2025 07:56

People are so deliberately obtuse online.

Yep. OP explained to him about wet and mouldy clothes before making the ‘ do you want to die’ comment. Wasn’t a major leap to realise what she meant.

Fragmentedbrain · 04/08/2025 08:01

Pandering to fucked up guys when they're kids is why they go on to batter their wives and think well mum was fine with it. Fuck him and fuck his hormones and pathetic self importance. Don't you bloody dare apologise he assaulted you for a shit joke.

diddl · 04/08/2025 07:58

Cyclingmummy1 · 04/08/2025 07:26

Why couldn't he take the clothes out of the dryer and hang them on the clothes horse? Not the point of the post, I know, but I'm curious.

That was might thought.

I thought (perhaps wrongly) he wanted to empty the dryer so his brother could use it & then he could have finished drying the load he had put in.

That doesn't mean he wasn't wrong to square up & insult of course but it seems an unnecessary drama.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/08/2025 07:57

Only took a page or two for posters to blame OP and tell her to apologise to her son for provoking his threatening behaviour. The ‘joke’ wasn’t meant as a threat, it was in relation to him wearing damp clothes, and didn’t warrant him squaring up to OP. Which is the actual issue here. OP clearly felt threatened, so asked him to leave. Hopefully the situation will cool off today and they can sort it out and put some boundaries in place as far as behaviour is concerned.

londongirl12 · 04/08/2025 07:57

You and your sons have experienced abuse. You need to choose your words more carefully. Saying do you want to die is not nice for anyone to hear, let alone someone who’s experienced abuse. He may have genuinely feared that before as a child.

BusWankers · 04/08/2025 07:57

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/08/2025 07:55

In this context it CLEARLY means:
Clothes are still wet, they can get mouldy, so will affect your health

WTF? Really? I wouldn't have taken it to mean that and I'm a 70 year old woman not a hormonal teenager.

If you don't understand what sarcasm is at 70... there's no hope
.

BusWankers · 04/08/2025 07:56

People are so deliberately obtuse online.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/08/2025 07:55

In this context it CLEARLY means:
Clothes are still wet, they can get mouldy, so will affect your health

WTF? Really? I wouldn't have taken it to mean that and I'm a 70 year old woman not a hormonal teenager.

CaptainFuture · 04/08/2025 07:54

There's another thread where the OP was actually assaulted by her DSD, whole thread full of 'poor girl, be kind, there must be something upsetting her, what's she been doing today, make her her favourite dinner and give her treats and a chat'.... here it's CHUCK HIM OUT!! HE'S ABUSIVE!!"

pinkstripeycat · 04/08/2025 07:54

SpaceRaccoon · 04/08/2025 07:38

I KNEW MNrs would try and blame you. I get ii, its like "do you want to catch your death of cold?", you were trying to be jovial to diffuse his mood.

Well OP is the mother and the son is the child. It’s her job to teach but hey, if this is your view, your kids are obviously bringing themselves up.

mamagogo1 · 04/08/2025 07:53

Bit of an odd comment from you and over reaction from him. Have you got a death wish is an expression people use, rather than die. The better response would be to explain how long tumble drying takes

3bluellamas · 04/08/2025 07:52

Francestein · 04/08/2025 07:46

Chuck his wet clothes in a garbage bag and put them outside the front door and tell him that he's forgotten something.

Grow up

WellIquitelikesprouts · 04/08/2025 07:51

Lots of good advice here OP, is any of it helping?

Frenchbluesea · 04/08/2025 07:51

1diamondearing · 04/08/2025 07:49

she was moving, he wasn't?

Anyway, neither of us were there, the impression I get from this account is obviously very different from the impression it gives you

Show quote history

He chest bumped her. It really isn’t difficult to understand 🙄

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 04/08/2025 07:51

pinkstripeycat · 04/08/2025 07:46

Teenagers squaring up to their parents is part of growing up. My 2 sons did it to their dad.

They’re older now and more mature and wouldn’t dream of it, although they do still occasionally have a go at eachother.

It’s your ex that’s the problem as he’s condoning your son’s behaviour.

At 16 their brains aren’t mature, they still have hormones they can’t control. This is where it takes a male role model to explain how things are done. Your ex is not a role model. He’s clearly the opposite.

I have a 21 and almost 18yo sons who have never, not once, ever squared up to me or their dad. We’ve had many arguments during those years and while tempers have risen they have never ever sworn at me or threatened me. Squaring up is NOT normal behaviour, let’s not minimise aggression in young males, it leads to a miserable life for another woman later.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/08/2025 07:50

Divebar2021 · 04/08/2025 07:19

No he didn’t accidentally bump into her.. he pushed his chest into her. He puffed it up in an aggressive manner ( which is a male, posturing manoeuvre as a pre cursor to fight) Surely your life has not been that sheltered?

Show quote history

Maybe that was a 'joke' too. None of this sounds normal to me.

Simplelobsterhat · 04/08/2025 07:50

ThePhantomoftheEcobubbleOpera · 04/08/2025 07:47

In this context it CLEARLY means:
Clothes are still wet, they can get mouldy, so will affect your health

Bloody hell, Jonathan Edwards couldn't make that leap.

I didn't get that from it, so expecting a teen to immediately think about health risks of mould in this situation sounds very unrealistic, if that is what op meant.

1diamondearing · 04/08/2025 07:49

Divebar2021 · 04/08/2025 07:47

As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing)

I think the OP has done a good job of explaining something that’s quite emotionally wrought ( and I hate to use the term triggering because it’s overused but probably accurate in this case). The clenched fists, the phrase “ SAY THAT AGAIN” written in capitals to convey the tone and the chest bump in a “ come on then” way. She’s explained it well.

Show quote history

she was moving, he wasn't?

Anyway, neither of us were there, the impression I get from this account is obviously very different from the impression it gives you

Blank1234 · 04/08/2025 07:48

Barnbrack · 04/08/2025 07:30

I don't get it? Did you mean the wet clothes could kill him or were you actually saying if he kept taking clothes out he's be in danger of you killing him?

Show quote history

This. I’m very confused too … it’s a very odd thing to say in those circumstances.

pinkstripeycat · 04/08/2025 07:48

shirtsandskirts · 04/08/2025 07:42

I remember a Head Teacher who worked with very hormonal, volatile young teenagers. They often would explode without a thought for the consequences and back themselves into a corner. He would always begin by apologising for them being so upset and asking how to help. The toughest, most aggressive teenagers usually backed down, cried and apologised. They just needed help to extricate themselves from a difficult situation.
OP, you are the adult, you are the parent. Threatening jokes are not a great idea for volatile teenagers.
Ring up your son, ask to talk. Apologise that things got out of hand. Almost certainly he will apologise too and you can restore a positive relationship. Otherwise this will linger on and before you know it, he will have built up in his head that you hate him. Do you want to this? It is up to you to reach out and give him the opportunity to apologise. Be the grown up.

Agree. Good reply

Simplelobsterhat · 04/08/2025 07:48

This sounds very upsetting for you op. One thing I would say having a teenager and working with them, is
A) if he was struggling to work the dryer but no one was explaining what he'd done wrong, he was maybe feeling a bit embarrassed/ defensive. I know my teen massively struggles with feeling like she should know something but doesn't and would be moody with us if she felt we were laughing at her or getting irritated with her in that situation, but equally would be trying to save face and not just ask for help.

B) some training I did talked about teens perception of things and naturally as well as being more impulsive, they may also naturally be more quick to see something as anger or a threat, so even if logically he knows you wouldn't kill him over a drier, his gut reaction to a jokey comment could well be off and leap into defensive mode. (I'm probably exposing that wrong and I know I'm not using the correct terminology, but that was the gist!)

However, obviously his behaviour wasn't acceptable, and you need to nip that in the bud. It sounds like his dad will be winding him up against you and making him think he was right though, so I think you need to get him back with you, have an honest empathetic conversation about how both of you were feeling (baring in mind he may not he able to articulate it well though), but also that he's adult sized now and you can't live in a house with an adult man who physically threatens you, so there will be no second chances. Maybe consider if he needs anger management/ counselling to help him keep his side of that.

Divebar2021 · 04/08/2025 07:47

1diamondearing · 04/08/2025 07:24

but most of the OP is describing how the mother was aggressive to the boy, and there is one sentence which sounds ambiguous anyway, about the boy being aggressive to the mother, and then the shouting of "bitch" - but this account in itself doesn't sound like a reliable description of a child being the aggressor. Does it to you? The child was standing still, and the mother moving, by her own account

Show quote history

As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing)

I think the OP has done a good job of explaining something that’s quite emotionally wrought ( and I hate to use the term triggering because it’s overused but probably accurate in this case). The clenched fists, the phrase “ SAY THAT AGAIN” written in capitals to convey the tone and the chest bump in a “ come on then” way. She’s explained it well.

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