To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

But you said “do you want to die?” Don’t condone his behaviour at all but why would you say that over a teen checking a dryer?

Because it was a daft joke.

Even the daftest of kids would know that. Mine were as daft as a brush and I'll say you'll be dead by the morning if you carry on, and other such things. The most I'd get from my moody adolescent teens was 'There, you go again mum!!!' And a massive eye roll.

For a kid to square up to his mum is some serious shit. It is either learned behaviour, and we know the father was abusive or he has something going on that is making him angry to flare up so quickly.

Some of the posts on this thread are a masterclass in understanding how and why the aggression of young men towards women is off the scale.

What OP said was a joke. Maybe not a good one but clearly not a threat.

Her son had been acting like a brat to that point. He then moved to puffing up and butting her in the chest. And screaming bitch at her.

That’s not a poor delicate icckle boy who’s so traumatised he immediately has to defend himself from big scary bad mummy. It’s an angry, violent little shit trying his abuse on for size and getting rightful consequences. It’s now even the first time he’s done it.

Some of you should try enacting consequences with your sons who are out in the world acting like this and worse because mummy dearest will condone them being violent to women because they are innocent little victims rather than parenting them.

How exactly was that in any way misogynistic? The kids behaviour was wrong, however where did "she explained about wet washing" come from? Or are we making things up to support people now.

Think this situation is starting to get the gaslighters out in force - nothing like people inventing things to support their position.

As I read from OP, she was sarcastic, kid didn't understand and overreacted. What did you read?

Since when was a chest butting and using male physical advantage to intimidate your own mother 'being a teenager'? The OPs son is almost in his adulthood, and has been raised in a home with a male abuser. He has had a role model through his formative years that has taught him the abuse of women is acceptable, and who will no doubt be dripping the same message into his ear now. This is a serious emerging problem for the OP and potentially for future women in her sons life and shouldn't be treated as 'normal' or blamed on the OP.

This, wonder if the sons response to his dm going on about him not taking the clothes out had been " leave it mum, do you want to die if you tell me again?'

This.

OP, it doesn’t matter what you said. Yes, it was a silly comment to make, but it was a joke. Of course you weren’t threatening him and when he calms down, he’ll admit that he knows that. To himself, if not to you or his dad.

None of these posters would think it was reasonable or acceptable if their husbands or brothers or any other men in their lives squared up to them and screamed in their face that they were a bitch in an argument, let alone over a silly, jokey comment. And it makes zero difference whether they’re grown men and he’s a hormonal teenager. He’s 16. That’s old enough to know that men shouldn’t be hitting women.

Sending him off to his dads probably wasn’t the most sensible idea. The man is a violent abuser. These men don’t change, as evidenced by his subsequent messages to you. He thought it was perfectly acceptable to physically harm you if he wanted to, so of course he’ll think it’s perfectly reasonable that his son would do the same.

I think I would give it a day for everyone to calm down. Then maybe text your son with something like ‘I love you very much and the door is open whenever you want to come home. I’d like to have a proper talk about it, just the two of us, so we can both understand why the other reacted the way they did. I made a silly comment and it didn’t occur to me that you’d take that seriously and for that, I apologise. But I need to be very clear that I can’t accept being frightened or physically threatened by my son in our home. That’s non negotiable. Older brother is out on Wednesday. Why don’t you come over for tea and we can have a chat and sort this all out? Love mum’. Then bribe older son to go to his mates or something.

If he’s had his dad in his ear telling him that he did the right thing, then he’s probably going to feel quite justified and that you were in the wrong right from the start. And if that’s the case, you might need to let his older brother have a chat with him and explain that violence towards women isn’t acceptable. I’m not suggesting that you ask him to do that, or that you use him as a go between, because that would be wrong, but he’s likely to do it off his own back. It might be that a spell at his dad’s would be the right thing. You think he’s changed, but none of us know what goes on behind closed doors. Perhaps witnessing some of his dad’s behaviour might be enough to make him realise that he doesn’t want to be like that.

Ever heard of child abuse in the context of physical neglect?

Utterly ridiculous and thoroughly misogynistic post. The comment came after she explained about wet washing, it’s not a leap to figure out what she meant by it and that it was a joke. That it didn’t land well absolutely does not excuse son’s behaviour. And ‘say that again’ and ‘bitch’ followed by squaring up and chest bumping isn’t ’fight or flight’ behaviour. It’s aggressive and if it’s not nipped in the bud it will escalate. Maybe sending him to his dad’s wasn’t the best idea, but they clearly have contact or OP wouldn’t have been able to do that, and if she felt threatened getting him out of the house was clearly the priority.

It is a life experience thing.

Some of us have lived with domestic abuse, so are familiar with the pure physical reaction we still get to even 'jokey' threats.

What is wrong with "do you want to die"?

"I'll have your guts for garters."
"Hope you've written your will."
"Enjoy hospital food, do you?"
"I'll give you a thick ear."
"By rights you should be stuck up a chimney."

All jocular threats I grew up hearing. I managed not to assault my parents.

Why do so many people on here have no sense of humour?

She was being jokey.

I agree with this.

Not at all. Said in the right way, it's humorous. Unless you haven't got the brains to realise that.

Yep, most of the answers on this thread are like if you insist that all speech is 100% literal.
Is it an IQ thing?

Not at all. Said in the right way, it's humorous. Unless you haven't got the brains to realise that.

You handled this very badly op but I think you know that.

You've just sent a child who has gone through having an abusive parent in the house and a seperation, to that abusive parent. Who will now fill his head with poison, damage your relationship irreversibly and set him on the wrong path.

I'm not one for gentle parenting. At all.

But you were the adult here. You are supposed to model how to behave, and instead you issued a weird threat and escalated every single thing.

Do you want to die is not jovial it sounds ott.

They both overreacted, it's possibly a stressy household and they both need to acknowledge that and work out how to keep calm.

Teenagers squaring up to their parents is part of growing up. My 2 sons did it to their dad.

This is absolutely not normal, or at least shouldn't be. It's not something that ever ever happened where I grew up, and something has gone badly wrong with parenting and society in 21st century Britain for anyone to think otherwise.

There are more woman than ever raising children alone, it's dangerous for them to normalise abuse from their larger, stronger sons.

You both need to apologise. Your comment was weird. Teenagers do have more trouble interpreting other people’s emotions and are more likely to interpret them as aggressive. He obviously heard what you said as aggression not a joke. As a teenage boy he may well be experiencing aggression and threats from other boys which may also cause him to have a higher threat response. (Also, even as an adult woman that comment would land badly with me, I’ve lived with an aggressive man and that comment would hotline to my threat alert too, I may not outwardly respond to it, but my limbic system would).

However, your so. clearly massively over reacted and should not have been aggressive.
I think you should have laid a boundary without kicking him out, but given him time to cool down and you both have time to think, self reflect and talk it through. Sending him to his Dads has just exposed him to a man who is backing his narrative when he is emotional and receptive to that supportive narrative.

I think you are the adult and you need to be the one to initiate the repair process here.

People are getting unnecessarily hung up on your die comment. I know exactly what you mean. It’s a bit like the ‘do you like hospital food’ comment I have heard people make.
Putting that aside- I think he has lacked a decent role model father. He must know he was abusive to you. What I think is required is a cooling off period for all of you then you can both calmly talk through what happened and what needs to happen going forward. Your son’s behaviour was absolutely unacceptable and quite worrying. Is family therapy an option?

I think you have two issues here and both are really tricky. The first is how you parent your son while (understandably) not tolerating any violence, aggression or intimidation. And the second is your ex. He will manipulate your son into thinking he was right to behave the way he did, you provoked him, you’re crazy etc. which will stop your son having that crucial regret later and start to turn him into the kind of man who justifies his violence against women by blaming them.
I think that as soon as possible, get your son home and talk. Get him listening to you and not his father.
What you said about taking the clothes out of the dryer is irrelevant by the way and hopefully you know that.

Kid felt threatened - should he do nothing and be (as he will feel) mistreated,

Yes. He should do nothing.

Im so sorry this happened to you. Being physically intimidated by your own son is an awful, conflicting thing that is very complex to deal with. Whatever anyone tells you, this is not your fault, not even a little, because whatever you said to him, to have him react with physical threat will always mean there's a problem with him. Because somewhere along the way he's picked up the idea that men control, silence and retaliate to women using their physical power. That has to be stopped before he becomes a danger to women, like his father. I think you did the right thing in removing him. And again, it's not your fault his dad is unsuitable. However, you will want to protect him as well as yourself, so I think you need to get professional input. Start by calling Family Lives who should point you in the right direction.

I would hold the line. Poor response and line from you. Do you want to die?

He squared up to you called you a bitch etc
leave it. Let the dust settle. Your ex is nasty and yes don’t expect help like this - if you have messages saying you deserved to be hit from his Dad - I would keep them.

This...

He's a teenager being a teenager... Ultimately his behavior is unacceptable ...

He will be particularly sensitive to confrontational behavior given what he's witnessed growing up... And also a dose of testosterone.

Also when he's dysregulated, he's unlikely to perceive your underlying jokey tone... He's seen it as an escalation...

I would concentrate on trying to find an adult male role model who isn't your abusive ex... He will only learn aggression and violence from him.

Really think it through... When versions of this happen again what will you do.. Like a plan of action...