To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

And as has been pointed out, at sixteen that physically aggressive attitude is no less of a threat to OP than from a fully grown male. She was right to get him out of the house, it’s just unfortunate that the only other adult involved is his dad.

Yes, you are. The minute you said the word ‘but’ you were excusing it. At 16 and with an aggressive attitude and clearly poor control over his temper, he is no less of a threat to OP than a fully grown male. He’s displaying an aggressive and misogynistic attitude towards women, and you think that’s OP’s fault ?

I’m sad to see so many people on here saying he is hormonal, it’s his age ect, it’s absolutely not normal to confront his mother, push his chest into hers and call her a bitch. I would have done exactly what his mom did. He needs to learn this not an acceptable response to a joke. Even if you don’t agree with the original comment from this mom we have all used jokey comments which don’t always go down well. Do we deserve violence and bad language? Too many parents on here blaming the mom for her son’s violence. The only mistake was calling his abusive father who is obviously still abusive to the OP. I would not have her son back until there has been a real change and an apology. Violent boys turn into violent men when they are allowed to continue with their behaviour. At 16 her son knows the difference between right and wrong. I’m sorry OP I hope you can turn your son into a better adult I would suggest therapy for you both.

Your comment was obviously a joke.
His behaviour from get go was bad.
And the fact he went straight to being so aggressive so quickly shows it is in him and something he is ok with doing.
Its not normal behaviour. I think his dad or something has rubbed off on him a lot more then you realise.
Does he have a hatred of women?
Dont back down . He has obviously twisted it to suit his narrative to his dad.
And given he is also abusive they will justify poor behaviour to themselves.
I would not have him back home. He needs to understand he cant treat people like that.
I would be worried about how he treats future girlfriends

He did understand the joke - not as a threat, but as an insult. That doesn't mean his physically aggressive behaviour or language towards his mum is excusable. Unfortunately at 16 he's not taking the time to figure out an appropriate response to a jokey insult - and he needs help with that. Preferably from his mum or a councellor, not his inadaquate aggressive dad.

Agreed. He is also a 16 yo child who was brought up with an extremely abusive father. And his mum immediately threw him out to be with him.

This was exactly my take on it. Had this been a partner or husband the unanimous advice would have been have been LTB.

“She has to take responsibility”. There you just justified it again.

To a child who also experienced abuse, she says the ex was extremely abusive and however many times it is say the children don’t see it. They see it.

If this was out of character the likelihood is that that kind of comment triggered him. It very much could be the kind of low level abusive words his Dad said and he couldn’t react then he can now.

But that isn’t the issue now is it - she has sent him away to his Dad and that is what needs to be sorted and I suspect not that easily because actually she was the one who basically said a man needs to deal with the situation which in a way is a reinforcement of the misogyny

he needs counselling at least and probably has for awhile

Kindly do fuck off ...she is the adult here ..he is a 16 year old child , she has to take responsibility for her part in this. I am in no way justifying him squaring up to her ...

Surely it’s obvious by putting “ wet clothes on”

From the op you can see there was no context for a threat like that. Also you doesn’t seem op is that kind of person either. Her post doesn’t read like she was aggressive.

Not reading this entire bloody thread, but had the ADHD/ASD klaxon gone yet? We can’t be six pages in without it, surely.

I wouldn't blame you if you never had him back home. He's been trained by his father and he's a 16 year old strapping male who squared up to you.

I know exactly what that feels like as I had the same.

It's too late for you to save him from his father as other posters are suggesting.

It baffles me how much people expect of women, like we must be some kind of sainted, all-loving and all-giving to our children even when they are old enough (biologically) to be parents themselves and are actually abusing us! And try to make it our responsibility to redeem the child as well.

The intensity of the nuclear family or even worse, single parenthood, and male violence in children is sometimes very dangerous for women.

What isn’t ? A sixteen year old boy making deeply misogynistic comments and displaying an aggressive attitude to his mother ? No, it certainly isn’t. Neither is trying to excuse it and put the blame for it onto OP. This thread is MN victim blaming at it’s finest and utterly useless to OP.

”you pushed his buttons”
”you made him feel stupid”
”of course he shouldn’t have squared up to you but…”
“your words and actions upset him”

This is victim blaming. Do better.

NAH, fuck this "boys will be boys" shit. That's exactly how we get to the point of boys and men abusing everyone else.

Agree. The level of misogyny on the thread is shocking - particularly as it comes from other women. The boy made a misogynistic comment about the drier being his mother’s responsibility. OP also advised that this is not the first time he’s displayed this kind of behaviour. There’s a pattern emerging in his attitude towards women and if it’s not addressed it will continue and escalate, and his future partners will eventually be at the receiving end of it. At 16, and with such poor control over his anger he’s no less a threat to the OP than a partner displaying the same aggression would be, and posters would be telling her to throw him out. Such hypocrisy.

It’s really concerning that so many posters here don’t see a pattern emerging here and are advocating for OP to actually apologise to him, when it should be other way around.

Unfortunately this is, I suspect, how adult abusers are made. Instead of a society that shows him how unacceptable his behaviour is, he's pandered to and his victim told to apologise. He'll have those same expectations of a partner in a few years.

Sorry still not normal.

Clearly he was angry and didn’t read your humour and got angrier. His dad was abusive. So was my ex and he will do anything he can to try and win over me. The worse thing you did was call his dad. I think you need to start again. It sounds like you were both upset. Teens do swear etc and do not seem to read a room I have found. I think once you have both calmed down see if you can talk properly. In your position the last person I would want my son with is the abusive ex as I wouldn’t want him to be like him. If he can understand your boundaries rules etc let him back in. But he needs to understand there is no chances.

I have to say that although many of you think sarcasm is funny, none of us was there.

In the context of abusive or dysfunctional families sarcasm is often used, as well as aggressive behaviour being inconsistent. You end up, over time, not knowing when you're being threatened and when not. Many of you will have grown up in loving environments - not everyone does. And abuse is often not witnessed, or is excused by other family members. I know that I can never do anything to help those that didn't experience it to understand. With no disrespect, I know they cannot understand something that is so alien to them - like a man trying to understand pregnancy.

Without going into detail, sarcasm whilst found to be amusing to some isn't for others - it can be triggering to those who have experienced it.

If your partner is abusive but you grew up in a loving family, you think about how it's affected you, but may not be aware of how it's affected the children. Not all of them may be affected the same - just like some abusers may especially target one child out of many.

What I'm saying is that whilst sarcasm may be amusing to some, it may not be to everyone.

I'd figure son of OP didn't understand, he didn't respond well, felt threatened, and having no power, stood up to that threat the only way he knew - by making himself threatening (I'm not excusing his behaviour, but neither OP's - nobody is in the right here).

The best solution here, I think, is a one to one discussion, not condescending - not you apologising for his reaction, but gently telling him how you meant what you said, that it wasn't a threat to him, explain to him how the washer/dryer works etc, and if he doesn't, press him for an apology for his behaviour.

There is no excuse for shitty behaviour but every single one of us has been shitty and horrible at times and teenagers more so as they are learning how to deal with hormonal rage and how to handle situations. Please be constructive for the op unless you think her son should remain with an abusive man who will teach him all the wrong ways to be a partner

Your son knew that at the time. He was already annoyed so chose to "take it seriously". I can imagine exactly how you said it and I'd probably say somthing similar to my own DS.

I'm so sorry he redacted that way and I'm sorry your ex didn't back you up. I honestly don't know what to suggest next either, what a mess x

You may have made this much worse by sending him to his dad. Instead of feeling guilty he has likely spent the night having his anger justified and his behaviour minimised. Calling to ask him to come home needs to be handled carefully so he doesn’t view it as further evidence that you were wrong and not him.

You did the best you could in an awful situation. Don’t beat yourself up about that. Unfortunately you have sent your son to the person who taught him to act like that. No doubt your son saw some of the way your ex behaved to you and is unconsciously copying it. Also, it’s highly likely that your ex behaves this way towards his new partner behind closed doors.
If he apologises I’d take him back and try to get some counselling for him.
please report your ex’s abuse- your sons need to know that this kind of behaviour is wrong otherwise they are going to repeat this cycle.