To throw my 16 yr old son out after he squared up to me

Kindly do fuck off ...she is the adult here ..he is a 16 year old child , she has to take responsibility for her part in this. I am in no way justifying him squaring up to her ...

And you are missing the fact that he actually was trying to do his own laundry - hardly the behaviour of an arch misogynist who refuses to do 'women's work'. You are also missing the fact that OP says he was ashamed of his previous behaviour.

This kid clearly has issues as a result of his upbringing and what he has witnessed. But there are clear signs of a decent underlying kid who, with appropriate direction and support, can be a decent adult man.

Its very notable that all those wanting to condemn this boy and saying 'this is how abusers are formed when they are excused' have nothing constructive to offer about what should be done instead - what is the constructive path that should be taken to stop him being an abuser? Do you honestly think condemning him and throwing him out of his home is it?

Its also very notable that those who have experienced living in aggressive households or have experience of working with trouble teens have a trauma informed approach and have understanding of what is behind this outburst, and constructive advice about how to work him to turn him into a self -regulating function adult.

I'm going with those who are following trauma informed approaches rather than those based on ideology with nothing helpful to offer.

I have been busy all weekend sanding the staircase. My son brought two big bags of washing down and asked if they could be done. I said of course.
An hour or so had passed and I thought I'd ask him to put a wash on. He did this, no bother.
A couple of hours later I asked him to pop his washing into the dryer. Which he did.
Roll on this evening my eldest came home and wanted to get a wash on ready for work tomorrow. He put it on a quick wash. Once it's done, he goes to the dryer and realises stuff is in there and it's still wet! My 16 yr old son says he doesn't know why, and wants to take it out regardless. I explain that he should keep it in the dryer and let it dry properly or the clothes will stink if left damp or wet. He tells me I'm to blame as the dryer is my responsibility. I let this narky comment slide and calmly tell him to leave the washing in and turn it back on.
I know what's happened, he's put his washing in there earlier and not started it at the beginning of the cycle, so it's only done a half cycle, if that. But I say nothing (I pick my battles).
Literally less than five mins later 16 yr old walks to dryer and begins to pull everything out to check if it's dry yet. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I say "son, do you actually want to die?! In a playful, yet exasperated tone. "Put the washing back in!" I get up and begin to make my way over there to put everything back in, as he's just standing there with an angry look. As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing) he's done that to me once before a very long time ago and he was distraught with himself for being so horrible to me. I'm shocked at his reactions to say the least as it was never that deep as I now realise he's being aggressive and this is ridiculous behaviour. I tell him to stop and to have some respect, I remind him I'm his mother and to never do that to me again because I won't tolerate it! He then loudly shouts that I'm a "BITCH!" in my face. So I quickly walk away from him. I'm literally gasping for words, as I'm so upset and shocked. I shout to him to pack a bag and get out, that I will not stand for violent abusive behaviour from a child of mine.
I text his dad to come and get him (were not together). I say to him, don't ask my why ATM, son will explain.
He goes upstairs packs some stuff and leaves, shouting a cheery "bye everyone!" as he goes. Once son has left, I text dad asking him to talk to son about domestic abuse and that I don't tolerate it, and that I am ashamed of son's actions.
An hour or so later my phone is flooded with voice notes and messages from his dad accusing me of saying "do you want to die??" And that son was right to react the way he did and me saying it was abusive and violent is just the sort of thing I would typically do.
Ex was extremely abusive when we were together. That's the reason I left him.
Since then he has been a great father. No signs of abuse with new partner and soin look up to him.
For the rest of the evening I'm told I'm cancerous and is why no one wants to be with me and I'm a pathetic excuse of a mother.
I remind him of the abuse he has done when together and that I should not have expected anything in the way of advice to son from such an abuser. He continues to flood my phone with how I deserved what I got when we were together and that son is better off with him as I'm a pathetic excuse.
I blocked him. I can't take anymore of his abuse. I have been sobbing all evening.
I know my son will be upset with his actions today.
I was hasty in calling his dad, I know that now. At the time I was frightened and wanted to show my son I wouldn't tolerate such abuse.
I'm still sobbing. I don't want my son turning out like his father. I shouldn't have sent him to him. I've sent him into the lions den.

There is no excuse for shitty behaviour but every single one of us has been shitty and horrible at times and teenagers more so as they are learning how to deal with hormonal rage and how to handle situations. Please be constructive for the op unless you think her son should remain with an abusive man who will teach him all the wrong ways to be a partner

Agree. The level of misogyny on the thread is shocking - particularly as it comes from other women. The boy made a misogynistic comment about the drier being his mother’s responsibility. OP also advised that this is not the first time he’s displayed this kind of behaviour. There’s a pattern emerging in his attitude towards women and if it’s not addressed it will continue and escalate, and his future partners will eventually be at the receiving end of it. At 16, and with such poor control over his anger he’s no less a threat to the OP than a partner displaying the same aggression would be, and posters would be telling her to throw him out. Such hypocrisy.

Kindly do fuck off ...she is the adult here ..he is a 16 year old child , she has to take responsibility for her part in this. I am in no way justifying him squaring up to her ...

He behaved badly, but what did you mean when you said "do you want to die?" Because its an odd thing to say? A threat?

Bit of an over reaction on your part OP. So he forgot to put the dryer on a longer cycle so his clothes werent totally dry - all been there.

So she just gives up on him?!?

A sixteen year old child who made a deeply misogynistic comment, called OP a bitch and then squared up to and chest bumped her with clenched fists - and he’s done it before. He’s no less a threat to OP than a fully grown aggressive male partner would be. And in that circumstance the advice here would have been to throw him out. What would you have had OP do ? They clearly still have contact with their father or sending him there wouldn’t have been an option. It’s not ideal, but then neither is the alternative.

This thread is fucking horrendous. Some of you victim blaming trash bags should be utterly ashamed of yourselves.

Kindly do fuck off ...she is the adult here ..he is a 16 year old child , she has to take responsibility for her part in this. I am in no way justifying him squaring up to her ...

Agreed. He is also a 16 yo child who was brought up with an extremely abusive father. And his mum immediately threw him out to be with him.

I have been busy all weekend sanding the staircase. My son brought two big bags of washing down and asked if they could be done. I said of course.
An hour or so had passed and I thought I'd ask him to put a wash on. He did this, no bother.
A couple of hours later I asked him to pop his washing into the dryer. Which he did.
Roll on this evening my eldest came home and wanted to get a wash on ready for work tomorrow. He put it on a quick wash. Once it's done, he goes to the dryer and realises stuff is in there and it's still wet! My 16 yr old son says he doesn't know why, and wants to take it out regardless. I explain that he should keep it in the dryer and let it dry properly or the clothes will stink if left damp or wet. He tells me I'm to blame as the dryer is my responsibility. I let this narky comment slide and calmly tell him to leave the washing in and turn it back on.
I know what's happened, he's put his washing in there earlier and not started it at the beginning of the cycle, so it's only done a half cycle, if that. But I say nothing (I pick my battles).
Literally less than five mins later 16 yr old walks to dryer and begins to pull everything out to check if it's dry yet. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I say "son, do you actually want to die?! In a playful, yet exasperated tone. "Put the washing back in!" I get up and begin to make my way over there to put everything back in, as he's just standing there with an angry look. As I'm walking, he says, "SAY THAT AGAIN!!". I tell him not to talk to me like that, that I'm trying to help him. He is still stood stock still, fists clenched and butts me with his chest (like a 'come on then!' kind of thing) he's done that to me once before a very long time ago and he was distraught with himself for being so horrible to me. I'm shocked at his reactions to say the least as it was never that deep as I now realise he's being aggressive and this is ridiculous behaviour. I tell him to stop and to have some respect, I remind him I'm his mother and to never do that to me again because I won't tolerate it! He then loudly shouts that I'm a "BITCH!" in my face. So I quickly walk away from him. I'm literally gasping for words, as I'm so upset and shocked. I shout to him to pack a bag and get out, that I will not stand for violent abusive behaviour from a child of mine.
I text his dad to come and get him (were not together). I say to him, don't ask my why ATM, son will explain.
He goes upstairs packs some stuff and leaves, shouting a cheery "bye everyone!" as he goes. Once son has left, I text dad asking him to talk to son about domestic abuse and that I don't tolerate it, and that I am ashamed of son's actions.
An hour or so later my phone is flooded with voice notes and messages from his dad accusing me of saying "do you want to die??" And that son was right to react the way he did and me saying it was abusive and violent is just the sort of thing I would typically do.
Ex was extremely abusive when we were together. That's the reason I left him.
Since then he has been a great father. No signs of abuse with new partner and soin look up to him.
For the rest of the evening I'm told I'm cancerous and is why no one wants to be with me and I'm a pathetic excuse of a mother.
I remind him of the abuse he has done when together and that I should not have expected anything in the way of advice to son from such an abuser. He continues to flood my phone with how I deserved what I got when we were together and that son is better off with him as I'm a pathetic excuse.
I blocked him. I can't take anymore of his abuse. I have been sobbing all evening.
I know my son will be upset with his actions today.
I was hasty in calling his dad, I know that now. At the time I was frightened and wanted to show my son I wouldn't tolerate such abuse.
I'm still sobbing. I don't want my son turning out like his father. I shouldn't have sent him to him. I've sent him into the lions den.

Surely throwing him out to the only place she could - his father - was the right thing to do be they deserve each other.

OP can't control this, it's too late. The son is like his dad and should remain with him.