To not have sex for 8 years because I have small breasts

I'm going to be blunt here for a moment.

You're wrong. Massively, completely, utterly, totally fucking wrong. And wrong about multiple things as well!

Men love boobs. Men love big boobs, men love small boobs. Men love pert boobs, men love droopy boobs. Men love boobs with big nipples, men love boobs with small nipples. Men love firm boobs, and men love boobs they can rest their head on and sink their head into. Men. Love. Boobs. (Source: Am male)

Some men have preferences on the type of boobs they like, but mostly, the type of boobs that men like are the ones they're in with a chance of touching, or seeing.

Your big mistake @islaw3048unfln , is that you're mistaking "better" for "more noticeable". Bigger breasts draw the eye, just like anything else that's in your face does. I watched a film with Natasha Lyonne yesterday. Most people's reaction when they see her in something is "Whoa, big hair!", to the extent that when I saw her in something yesterday in something without the hair I genuinely didn't recognise her until she opened her mouth.

But big hair isn't a secondary sexual characteristics, so people don't make the leap from big hair = more noticeable = sexier. So yes, page 3 and porn video covers and assorted other media use women with large breasts, because it makes them more obviously noticeable at a glance.

Your point about noone fancying someone because of their confidence is also wrong @islaw3048unfln . I've lost track of women I've known over the years where one day I've suddenly gone "Bloody hell, she's hot" after years of not noticing it. And it could be anything that causes it. To give a few examples in my experience - A hair colour change, a particular outfit, a laugh, the movement of her fingers across piano keys, a put down of an arsey customer, and yes, in one case, a particularly low cut top. And in the case of DP of 20 years, it was when she finally stopped listening to the little voice inside her head telling her she was ugly, and started believing what other people were telling her.

Big boobs are one of myriad different aspects of a person that might get them noticed by the opposite sex, and they might be the thing that triggers an initial "I fancy her". But past that point, 95% of men won't give a shit about the size, they just want the opportunity to get to know you.

Fucking hell: Yesterday I'm winging about the prevalence of pervy men on Mumsnet, today I'm writing a treatise on tits!

So are you saying, if you had bigger breasts, you wouldn’t have any flaws?

I mean can you think of anyone who doesn’t have any flaws at all? It’s just not realistic. Lots of people have suggested that the men aren’t the problem here, it’s something internal for you, and that counselling would be best. Have you considered this?

Sounds like you just need to go have a good shag to get this thought out of your mind!

Maybe have a night out and get chatting to some guys?

I meant to write get some therapy!

And the reason I'm being blunt is because clearly lots of small breasted women have happy sex lives and long term relationships, around the world including in countries where smaller breasts are the biological norm.
So in the long term if you end up alone, you can either say, it was MY choice (and you don't have to give anyone any reason), or you can say, well it wasn't my fault, it was because of the hypothetical men.

And what you want to do, and what you want from this thread is the latter.
You want permission to not taking the risk to explore companionship, relationships including sexual ones for fear of a hypothetical rejection. The fear is understandable especially if you haven't allowed yourself to take a relationship risk for eight years. But you should at least go to therapy so you can take ownership of the decision you have made to remain celibate through most of your twenties rather than blaming men for it.

Most of us have insecurities over our bodies at some point in our lives. I'm only 5ft 2, and would absolutely love to be taller and have lovely long legs, instead of diddy ones! Being bigger busted isn't always what it's cracked up to be - I speak as a bigger busted woman. Men 'talk' to my boobs, they can also think that my bust size equates to me lacking in intelligence, no matter what I wear random men stare at my boobs, I've had inappropriate comments, men can sometimes think I'm up for a good shag just because I'm bigger busted or I must be kinky as hell because of my bust size. Yes, it's 2025, but there are men out there, younger and older who think like this! You are allowing your own insecurities to hold you back, especially if you'd like a relationship. Of course there are men out there who prefer a bigger busted woman, but equally there are men who don't. Some men prefer long legs, pert bum, bigger bum, big hips, toned athletic figure, tall ladies, petite ladies...the list goes on. At the end of the day if a man is with you, then he finds you attractive, regardless of your bust size. If busy size was that much of a deal breaker, then he wouldn't date a smaller busted woman. I can't stand facial hair on men at all (a little stubble is my limit), it creeps me out, I can't bear it against my skin, so I couldn't date a man with it, no matter how lovely he may be!!

Well, now you have what you perceive to be an off putting flaw. Your choices are, if I am blunt:

1. To get it changed.
2. To live with it and shun all relationships.
3. To live with it, and venture into the world of relationships and see what happens.

But you are focusing too much on what you look like in a relationship op.

TBH your breasts don't even sound all that small to me.

It is really really sad that you’ve developed such a low self esteem/neurosis and stopped enjoying sex, because of a false assumption… I really
hope you can get some to build up
your self esteem , I’m sure you are gorgeous x

Wise post op.

I'm not going to just humour you: I think some men - and if I'm honest probably the majority of men - like breasts. That doesn't mean they hanker only after really large breasts, but it does mean that I think they are something they notice, and mostly not in a negative way.

But that doesn't mean they can't find smaller breasts attractive. More importantly, it also doesn't mean as humans we aren't capable of being attracted to a person as a whole, not just specific body parts.

But without the relationship as the fuller picture, yeah probably breasts are something men focus on quite a bit - which is why, as so many have said, they feature in porn a lot. But there is no broader relationship in that context.

The point is to move past a static, personality-free visual appearance for a man and let him grow to love the whole person. They are actually capable for the most part of not being wholly superficial.

I think you are the one who doesn't like your boobs op and are projecting this onto men. If you want it to rule your life and stop you having sex or want to use them as an excuse to opt out of sex then that's fine and nobody will think anything either way about it. IF on the other hand you are unhappy about the no sex then stop using your boobs as an excuse because they certainly aren't the reason. Sorry if this is a bit tough love but you are in control here.

@islaw3048unfln This sounds actually like you are afraid of long term commitment and getting rejected and you have framed it in terms of the thing you can't change about yourself.
So you can simply say, well I've not going to put myself out there because a man will settle, and I don't want him to settle (almost like you are doing men a favour by not dating them with your apparently disappointing body).

What you want us to say is 'oh yes men love big boobs and nothing else' and then validate your lack of self confidence in wanting to explore what might be out there in terms of relationships. So then when you look back on these eight years you can tell yourself, you didn't find the right person not because you didn't risk having your heart broken (which is a risk everyone takes), but because you somehow 'knew' subliminally that you would be a disappointment. You are just talking yourself into this to avoid the risk of heartbreak.
(Which btw happens to women with big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs, all sorts of women- even supermodels have their hearts broken).

I really do think you need to see a therapist or counsellor to unpack where this comes from.
Presumably somebody has shamed you in the past..?
Have you actually heard several men express this preference?

It really is by no means a fact… look at all the beautiful actresses and models (!) with small breasts, they are very much desired! I could list them but surely no need to? Kate Moss, Gigi Hadid, Dua Lipa, Keira Knightley.. I mean come on!

Some men like larger breasts sure, some
men love smaller ones.

I honestly don't think men are that obsessed with breast and know that most are fake in porn.

My DH is very open about the fact that he prefers small breasts. Even tho I don't have small breasts - he says he has "got used to them" and that he loves me for me and the rest of my body, not just one part.

YANBU to not have sex for any reason

YABU to fixate on the small breasts

This sounds like more a confidence issue with your body than anything else. Men like different things, some like long legs, other bums.

You just need to find someone who will likes you for you...

If this is genuinely the only reason you don't want sex, I suggest you see a counsellor to talk it through. There are very very many good and healthy reasons to actively choose a celibate life, but the fact that you hold a false belief about men's sexual preferences is not one of them.

(I am virtually boobless. Loads of men have and still do find me attractive. This has also been the experience of many female friends and family members with small breasts. And I know a couple of large breasted women who struggle to find male partners. .Men aren't quite as simplistic as you are making them out to be, honestly)

I d ok t think guys settle tbh op, I think they’re happy to be with anyone who’s happy to be with them which sounds a bit awful but I think it’s true, if you’re both having a good time I seriously doubt he’ll care what your breasts are like. We put these assumptions onto ourselves and beat ourselves up over weight, appearance etc, I don’t think men mind, I think they’re just happy to be with someone!

But why do you care if men who prefer big boobs don’t fancy you? There are plenty of men who prefer smaller breasts or don’t care about breasts and fancy women based on other aspects of their body or personality. Why worry about the men who won’t find you attractive rather than focus on the men who will? You don’t need to be attractive to every man, you only need to be attracted to the one man you are pursuing a relationship with.

I had tiny boobs up till my 40’s never stopped me getting laid. I had many compliments. They are bigger now but because they were smaller they’ve defied gravity for longer. Be proud of your pert tits 😂😂

I watched something recently about femcels and this seems similar. I think a lot of femcels have body dysmorphia and it can lead to thinking a lot of assumptions about other people