To let DD14 drink at home

You can legally drink from age 5 in the home. When I was young I had buzz fizz and a dash of baileys in my hot chocolate at Christmas from a young age. And if I asked to try wine or beer my parents let me.

And honestly when my mates got excited by alcohol I wasnt bothered. I liked the taste of pop better.

I think drinking at home (not to levels of getting drunk) with supervision as though its not a big deal helps generate a healthier relationship with alcohol.

If you think its ok, all the parents gave informed consent I dont think you need MN agreement.

I wouldn’t do this.. I wouldn’t be letting her out if there’s drinking involved either. I think it’s showing her that drinking is normal and ok.. in some contexts it is; but not at 14. I think too much too young.

I thought young kids these days were into skincare and matcha!! And vapes. Which I wouldn’t be encouraging either. Does she know alcohol is an addictive toxin and that it is damaging etc and very damaging for some people… I don’t want to accuse you of anything op but I did wonder how much you drink and how ‘normal’ it is in your home etc.
I appreciate everyone has different bars and family culture around alcohol is different for everyone.

Or.. here’s a thought, how about you just do some parenting and say ‘No, you are underage and at 14 you are not drinking alcohol. And you won’t be sneaking out to do so as again, you are 14. And if you do, there will be consequences.’
And if she can’t stop her sneaking out, then she’s got bigger issues than a glass of Lambrini.
Where does it stop? Teenagers need a line drawn in the sand or they will just push and push those boundaries.
And yes, I’m fully aware of how teenagers operate. And neither of mine were drinking Lambrini n the garden at 14.

No amount even low is good for a developing child.

Please consider mocktails if you must. Let their livers develop and grow without extra stress of alcohol.

Yeah. It’s hard, and my eldest is nearly 11 so I know I have all this to come. But I think, especially with young girls, the dangers they might face if they are out there underage, tempted by friends to have some drinks and are around older people who may take advantage, I just would do anything I could to minimise that risk. I think keeping them in indefinitely until a certain age, while may stop the drinking during that time, will really damage a relationship between you both, and could mean once old enough she then rebels and does it more then. Who knows? It’s really easy I think for people to say ‘ nope do not do this it’s so bad, keep them in at all costs! ’. But they are really underestimating the lengths teenagers would go to,to fit in and join in. I would go to such lengths to lie to my parents so I could go out and drink with my mates. I would write fake phone numbers, have other older friends pretend to be parents, I’ve planned fake school trips which was just a massive day we all went and got drunk, all because I knew they wouldn’t allow it at all and I was drawn in by my friends and the older influences around me and wanted to do it. Nothing at that age would have changed my mind. Now, looking back ofcourse it’s so disturbing and I’d do anything to go back and tell my younger self no. But , that’s life. And I can only learn from that. And if I was in your position where my daughter was actually communicating and being honest I’d listen and try and maintain that as best I could. I’d explain the dangers and try and get her not to do it at all, but I’m not naive, they will find a way. And if i can make it a safer environment I’d be happy knowing I did that. I understand your worry and your concern regarding if you have done the right thing, and I think that’s because the natural right thing is to say no completely , but you are also recognising that she’s openly admitted she would have done it anyway. So you have atleast been able to provide a safe environment for them to do this, whether you agree fully or not.

I am teetotal.

But we live in a drinking world, and somehow we need to help our young people manage this in a safe way.

If alcohol becomes a big rebellion thing to do then they will do it all the more out of your sight. If they see you using alcohol in a responsible way they will learn from that example. This might include allowing them some watered down alcohol at home where they are safe, for example wine with dinner in very small quantities. They will get a feel for how they respond to it with you around; they will learn that wine with food is a good way to enjoy it.

Our DDs, all now adults, were allowed these at home but lost interest pretty quickly as they did not like the taste much, and they saw me not drinking. But we took care to make sure that drinking was not seen as the grown up thing to do and thus a major temptation. The forbidden is like a magnet!

There is nothing you can do to stop her getting alcohol when she is out, but if it has not become a big aim in her mind then she will be more responsible.

Mind you, reading the posts on here from people who seem to think getting "wasted" is fine, I slightly despair.

Teens are going to drink
all the pearl clutching in the world isn’t going to stop it
what it will do is cause them to try to hide it, sneak it out and generally not be honest

i let my 14 yo have something at home - not every Friday but on ocassion - something pretty low alcohol

better to encourage responsible drinking and open honest relationship than pretend it doesn’t happen

if you don’t water the Lambrini down the taste will put her off alcohol for life.

I think you are doing the sensible thing, teaching people how to handle things responsibly is always better than outright banning things

No. They actually are not. Not from my experience of having a French family. It’s an absolute myth.
Yes, maybe 20/30/40 years ago pregnant women were ‘allowed’ to drink 2/3 glasses of wine be a day. Children MAY have had watered down wine at 12/13 on special occasions.
This is absolutely not the case now. They have come onto line with the rest of Europe and the old ways of drinking are not widespread.
Because both of those things involve alcohol and minors and it’s just not right.

Christ, no absolutely not. I truly cannot imagine any parents being okay with their 14 year old drinking. My 12 year old went to a sleepover at a friend’s recently and the friend offered her a cider (dd told us about it, said she had a sip, thought it was disgusting and didn’t drink anymore). It turns out the friend regularly drinks at home alone in her room. At 12! Dd is no longer allowed over at her house.

At that age, the well behaved non-problematic kids aren’t drinking. If you encourage your dd to become one of those kids who is drinking and doing whatever, it’s going to limit her social circle to only those other children who are drinking and carrying on. Let her be a kid. She has years to drink and do dumb stuff. She should be able to hang out with her friends and have fun without messing about with substances.

My opinion in this has changed over the years. I have children aged 25, 19, 7, 7.

I used to think (with the eldest) I would rather they have the odd drink at home and are safe etc and so she did, I would get them a few ciders etc if they were having a get together from about age 15. I actually now wouldn’t allow it and if I knew they would be drinking alcohol when out with friends I wouldn’t let them go out. It’s poison and it does a lot of damage and being drunk makes you vulnerable to dangers beyond your control so I would be saying no to any of it, probably an unpopular opinion but you have the authority as a parent to say no to alcohol altogether.

I think we have a toxic culture when it comes to alcohol. ‘Ooh it’s gin o’clock’ ‘it’s 5pm somewhere’ ‘I can’t wait to get in and have a glass of wine’ and everyone accepts and encourages it to some degree but replace that with smoking weed or a bit of crack (bit OTT I know) and everyone would warn you of the dangers when actually alcohol can be just as bad if abused.

In France children are drinking watered down wine from younger than this.

Read that wrong. 🫠

You’ve mentioned the law, what about her health?

I don’t like the idea of encouraging social drinking that young.
I was raised to have a glass of alcohol with a meal occasionally, starting from a sip of cider at 12/13 to a glass of wine in late teens but in the context of special family meals, never drinking without food.

I think making it a massive deal is a disaster, but making the drink the occasion rather than just a component of a nice meal is not something I would encourage.

I'd be concerned about her drinking at 14. I certainly wouldn't be encouraging her to drink at home instead.
Madness.
Just tell her "NO".

I know a lot more but would probably get banned if I used them.

Agreed

She didn't say it wasn't legal or are you making the case for five years olds drinking? Don't want them to be behind their peers.

It sounds like your daughter is sensible so I wouldn't be too worried. Between me and my friend we would normally take a bottle or 2 of beer/cider to each other's houses. I had a time I did get very drunk (went in my dads cupboard while he was out), my dad asked if my friend was OK and I didnt get told off, just got told I would learn.
I think your approach is spot on tbh. If things arent hidden and are spoken about its better than her hiding stuff and being unsafe.