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Original poster

To let DD14 drink at home

189 replies

Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 20:34

So lately DD has started to want to go further afield and there have been occasions she has drunk alcohol. She doesn't get drunk drunk bjt I worry about her being out and doing it. Her friends seem to want to go further snd further. Well tonight I felt uneasy about it a few things have happened and I worry about other people.
DD tends to be really honest and said her and her mates were planning to have a drink hence not wanting to stay home.
we agreeed her and her 3 friends could come here listen to music chill in the garden and have 2 glasses of low alcohol lambrini in the garden on the basis all parents knew. This is now happening and they are being great and I asked them to mix with lemonade too bjt can't help but think of done something wrong.

I was 13 and drinking cider and 20/20 and always in trouble being sick or In a vulnerable situation so I'm trying to avoid that whilst allowing a little teenage rebellion. As far as I can see it's legal I just worry I'm gonna have social services turn up now! My neighbour is also an arse so I'm worried he will report!

OP posts:
RigIt · 03/08/2025 22:38

Of course it fine OP. A much better/safer option if she goes for it. Personally at her age I’d have gone out anyway and I’d have not wanted this, but if she and her friends are happy then that’s great. People saying no alcohol at all are being ridiculous. Completely banning doesn’t work. (And giving teens something to rebel against). Just look at the “just say no” campaigns and war on drugs and the prohibition. Banning is completely ineffective.

Ladamesansmerci · 03/08/2025 22:32

People on this thread have led a very different life to me. Teens have been underage drinking since the dawn of time. If you try and ban it completely, they'll only do it anyway. There is a difference between encouraging drinking and allowing 2 very watered down drinks in the supervision of your back yard on one or two occasions vs giving them a cider with every meal. You can have all the chats you want about the risks of alcohol, but if a teen wants to do something, they will do it. I'd personally rather know they were safe.

I remember being on a school trip and people bringing vodka disguised as water, and the days of drinking Frosty Jack in a field. You deffo don't want your teen resorting to that.

DurinsBane · 03/08/2025 22:27

Don’t worry about your neighbour. There is no one she can report it to. It’s totally legal as it is in a private property and all parents have given permission

rosesandpie · 03/08/2025 22:27

Hard no from me. Can’t believe all the parents agreed to this??!!?

As someone who grew up in another country, where I’ve genuinely never come across/ heard of fourteen-year-olds drinking booze in the park, it absolutely seems to be a specific to this country problem and very much something preventable with adequate parenting.

Givenupshopping · 03/08/2025 22:25

'Overwhelmedandunderfed' you may have the authority as a parent to say no to alcohol, but whether your kids will listen to you when they're out with their mates, and someone turns up with a bottle of vodka in their jacket, encouraging them to join in and have a drink, how are you planning on parenting that? It just doesn't work, if kids want to try alcohol, and their mates are doing it, then one way or another, they will drink it, it's as simple as that.

So I personally think that the OP's idea of allowing it while she can monitor what's going on, and her DD can get to feel what it's like, ie, she's allowed 2 glasses of watered down Lambrini, is better idea than being the parent that says 'You must not drink, it's not good for you', and then believes their teen will take notice, which the chances are, they won't.

I think the OP's daughter will also find that having tasted something so weak, if she tries something that is really strong, like spirits, she will decide she doesn't really like the way it tastes or makes her feel.

SpandauValet · 03/08/2025 22:23

Haven’t RTFT but assume it’s been mentioned that’s not going to stop her drinking elsewhere? She will just drink at home, feel like she knows what she’s doing as she’s allowed to do it.. and then have an absolute skinful elsewhere? It doesn’t control how much she’s drinking, it increases how much she’s drinking.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/08/2025 22:23

Alcohol is really damaging for teen brain development. I think you're seeing this as less harmful than it is. I think that knowing supplying children with substances that have a long term impact on their cognitive function is terrible parenting and I'm surprised any parent does it.

Dippythedino · 03/08/2025 22:18

My kids are 13 and 15 and have not expressed an interest in drinking, we're both teetotal as well. Alcohol isn't part of our social circle so it's easy to avoid, you can socialise without drinking. Lots of cultures around the world do not place an importance on alcohol.

JaninaDuszejko · 03/08/2025 22:14

14 is young but you've taken the most sensible route of controlling the consumption and making them safe. A conversation with her about the impact of alcohol on brain development at a young age and asking her to think about a sensible frequency of drinking for her at 14 might be helpful as well. Say you know she's going to want to drink and as long as all the parents are in agreement you are OK with occasional drinking but e.g. not every weekend until she's an adult. My eldest DD came up with a 'birthday parties only' which worked out as less than once a month (and they were drinking Smirnoff Ice which is only 4% - her other rule was 'premixed drinks only'). Teenagers can be quite sensible if given the chance to think about what they are doing, the kids that were completely banned from drinking were the ones that were completely irresponsible.

FWIW I'd love to know how old the children of the disapproving posters are (and how many kids they have, mine have different attitudes to alcohol). It's easy to say 'I wouldn't allow that' but teenagers need a collaborative approach so you get buy in to your rules.

Noshadowsinthedark · 03/08/2025 22:12

Corfumanchu · 03/08/2025 22:03

I am baffled as towht so many parents think that drinking watered down lambrinis at home, and necking vodka in the park or at a party, are mutually exclusive.

I was thinking this.

I don’t see how it doesn’t just normalise drinking with socialising.

Frogs88 · 03/08/2025 22:10

My parents allowed underage alcohol and soft drug usage. Surprisingly all of their children had alcohol/drug problems at a young age…

crunchermuncher · 03/08/2025 22:07

Social services will not give a rats anus because it's not illegal (and because they are busy dealing with actual problems).

Ohthatsmeback · 03/08/2025 22:06

So I take when next week she wants to bring her boyfriend home so they can have sex you will say oh that's fine then because it's better than doing it in the park?

Original poster
Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 22:05

Corfumanchu · 03/08/2025 22:03

I am baffled as towht so many parents think that drinking watered down lambrinis at home, and necking vodka in the park or at a party, are mutually exclusive.

And how I need to parent. Trust me be a lot easier to just pretend I think my daughter isn't drinking anything at all and not do anything about it other than 'don't drink alcohol'

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 03/08/2025 22:04

Sounds sensible and encourage food too.

Corfumanchu · 03/08/2025 22:03

I am baffled as towht so many parents think that drinking watered down lambrinis at home, and necking vodka in the park or at a party, are mutually exclusive.

Original poster
Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 22:02

ChampagneLassie · 03/08/2025 21:53

My parents took the 0 tolerance route and I was drinking from 13 in sometimes very grim circumstances. I’d rather my children don’t drink at all, but I think your approach is a good compromise. In our family some let their teens drink socially it doesn’t sit easily with me and I do wonder whether normalising just leads to more drinking more quickly. But I certainly think that approach and yours sounds safer that what I got up to.

It's so tough I definately wouldn't let her just drink but I do accept that she will.

I was the same and for some reason I thought alcohol was great. I also turned into a a grade liar and my mum never suspected a thing. I spent so much time on the streets I turned to taking speed and pills too which scares the heck out of me and what I'm trying to avoid. Some on here have mentioned sniffing glue and heroin - those things happen when children atw left to their own devices and when kids learn to lie to their parents and have access to people who do it.

OP posts:
Ohthatsmeback · 03/08/2025 21:53

Unbelievable .

She is 14. She is a child. You are her parent.

You are normalising alcohol consumption for children.

This isn't about teaching responsible drinking. Its's teaching children that enjoying themselves involves drinking.

There aren't 2 options. There are 3.
The third is actually parenting your child.

user1476613140 · 03/08/2025 21:53

Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 21:02

She's already told
me what loads of them do, not her of course, but she says they screenshot ID they have and just edit the date of birth.

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Very popular way for them to doctor the ID. Many do it. My eldest pulled this stunt before turning 18 (aged 16 roughly). I wasn't happy but I also remember getting into nightclubs years ago aged 17 and being served alcohol at the bar without being challenged so I cannot cast judgement.

ChampagneLassie · 03/08/2025 21:53

My parents took the 0 tolerance route and I was drinking from 13 in sometimes very grim circumstances. I’d rather my children don’t drink at all, but I think your approach is a good compromise. In our family some let their teens drink socially it doesn’t sit easily with me and I do wonder whether normalising just leads to more drinking more quickly. But I certainly think that approach and yours sounds safer that what I got up to.

mumofsixfluffs · 03/08/2025 21:52

I go against what everyone else seems to say. I’ve let my kids have the odd glug of my wine etc from a young age. My theory being alcohol is then not this mysterious thing they desperately want to try at 18 and get so hammered it’s an issue. My kids progressed to having the odd drink of their own from mid teens and are now responsible adults when it comes to drinking

i took away that urge to drink heavily the moment it was legal

Original poster
Elizvicky · 03/08/2025 21:49

lottiestars76 · 03/08/2025 21:41

Yeah. It’s hard, and my eldest is nearly 11 so I know I have all this to come. But I think, especially with young girls, the dangers they might face if they are out there underage, tempted by friends to have some drinks and are around older people who may take advantage, I just would do anything I could to minimise that risk. I think keeping them in indefinitely until a certain age, while may stop the drinking during that time, will really damage a relationship between you both, and could mean once old enough she then rebels and does it more then. Who knows? It’s really easy I think for people to say ‘ nope do not do this it’s so bad, keep them in at all costs! ’. But they are really underestimating the lengths teenagers would go to,to fit in and join in. I would go to such lengths to lie to my parents so I could go out and drink with my mates. I would write fake phone numbers, have other older friends pretend to be parents, I’ve planned fake school trips which was just a massive day we all went and got drunk, all because I knew they wouldn’t allow it at all and I was drawn in by my friends and the older influences around me and wanted to do it. Nothing at that age would have changed my mind. Now, looking back ofcourse it’s so disturbing and I’d do anything to go back and tell my younger self no. But , that’s life. And I can only learn from that. And if I was in your position where my daughter was actually communicating and being honest I’d listen and try and maintain that as best I could. I’d explain the dangers and try and get her not to do it at all, but I’m not naive, they will find a way. And if i can make it a safer environment I’d be happy knowing I did that. I understand your worry and your concern regarding if you have done the right thing, and I think that’s because the natural right thing is to say no completely , but you are also recognising that she’s openly admitted she would have done it anyway. So you have atleast been able to provide a safe environment for them to do this, whether you agree fully or not.

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Thanks this is exactly it. I did the same I would nick whisky and all sorts and was seriously unwell a number of times, I'd avoid going back and sleep out and then find worse people.

OP posts:
MixedBananas · 03/08/2025 21:47

Someone better call S/S what kinda of parenting is this? And people wonder why kids end up lunatics......