To let DD14 drink at home

You can legally drink from age 5

That doesn’t mean it’s ok!

I always let my DS drink at home but I think he was older than this when he had his mates around. He used to have alcohol with the family during Christmas, Easter or on holiday. I thought he was too vulnerable to do as some do (drinking in the park or another friend's house) and I could see how responsible or not he was. He was never a big drinker and I only saw him drunk once coming home from a festival.

I was used to being allowed alcohol at home though as was my DF.

It's difficult because we want to give our DCs tools to cope but some people (particularly my generation maybe) drink too much.

Sorry haven't RTFT but I don't get it, are they getting drunk? Because if they're not what's the point? In which case I'd talk to DD about why she's wanting to look cool and succumb to peer pressure. At 14 you hang out with friends, or you party (hopefully not at 14!). I think you're just normalising drinking which is bad, it really makes no sense to me tbh!

I’m on the fence on this

I totally get why you want her safe at home drinking low % watered down v down the local park glugging back cider /alch pops

just 14 seems so young to approve it when legal limit is 4yrs later for pubs

tho I get allowed to drink at home with parents legally is younger

that’s where the law is tricky. How can it say 14 at home is fine if 14 in a pub with a parent isn’t

We have set boundaries given guidance on all sorts of issues yet he doesn't always want to take on board advice. Like many teens he thinks he knows best🙄

Some teenagers will be easily led and how do you control that if they choose their own friends? Same at school? You can't be a fly on the wall!! You give them guidance and hope, really hope that they'll do the right things independent of you.

One of mine is easily led and has ASD which is a terrible combination and has led to him trying various substances before 18...he does have hobbies and friends but sometimes he has chosen the wrong crowd.

As a parent you cannot lock your child up at these ages. They have to work it out themselves which will often mean learning the hard way.

Sex

Do you find it hard saying no and setting boundaries
What if she wants to have some x ,are you letting that happen at home to.
She's a child ,you set boundaries and say no

There are some children who get into the wrong crowd no matter how much effort you put in to steering them in the other direction. It won't work. They have to work it out themselves. I have one that's done some stupid stuff and only wants to learn the hard way in life. There will always be people like this in life. You have to be the parent that's there to pick up the pieces.

What they said - totally agree.

These kids are 4 years off the legal age for drinking alcohol and using fake ID to buy it.

And you're having a little party for them in the garden?! Why do they 'need' alcohol at all?

Just have nice snacks and J20/lemonade with soda water or something.

Children are not drinking as much as previous generations. This is a good thing. So comparing what you got up to with alcohol to what today's teens do isn't helpful. The culture around alcohol is definitely changing. We know alcohol consumption is harmful. It's especially harmful for children. Do some actual research because this topic is well covered. Plenty of statistics that show that the earlier they drink the more likely they are to develop a drinking problem. Never mind all the other health issues associated with alcohol.

I'm not sure why on threads like these France is always mentioned, as if the French have a great relationship with alcohol. If you look at alcohol related deaths their rates are worse than ours.

I grew up in pubs so saw the consequences of alcohol from pretty young
Was allowed half a measure of Pimm’s and lemonade from young, probably age 12 ish. There was obviously always alcohol about and if I wanted to try something I could if I asked, there was no mystery around what anything tasted like
age 15/16 I could have alcopops, lager etc with no bother but that was the generation that I was out in clubs at 16

as an adult I don’t really drink

I was like you OP, and drank to excess on the streets as a child. I think my friends and I started drinking age 12ish. I have an ok relationship with alcohol now, largely as a health issue meant I stopped drinking for 10yrs altogether and now have a glass or 2 on the weekend.

My 2 close friends I grew up with though both drink way too much, one in particular. Her whole life revolves around drink, and both her kids were raised sitting eating a packet of crisps and a fruit shoot in the pub on a Saturday afternoon. We are all approaching 50 next year, and I do think our early relationship with alcohol is to blame.

On the whole, teens drink a lot less these days than our generation, thankfully. My own kids are not overly fussed with drinking. DS was 18 before he started drinking, and only when he started uni. He only drinks when he goes out, and never at home. DD is 17, and doesn’t drink at all. She isn’t a big socialiser though.

I think you’re doing the right thing personally, and i’d have taken a similar approach if my kids had started drinking under age. I don’t think that approach would have stopped me drinking on the streets to be honest. I regret my early relationship with alcohol. I am thankful that unlike my friends, I now have a much more sensible approach to drinking.

I am sorry but what you 'think' is the reason why people become alcoholics is utterly irrelevant. The RESEARCH shows there are 3 major causes of alcoholism. One is mental health/life experiences , sure. One of the major risk factors is genetics. So yes, the alcohol itself causes the addition, not any other factors. It is addictive - and some people have a genetic makeup that makes them vulnerable to that addiction. Regardless of they being happy or having high self esteem. Guess what the third major risk factor is for developing alcoholism? Underage drinking.

Agree.

It's time to start finding ways of keeping this young girl so busy with extra curricular activities, chores, and studies that she will have no time for all of the mischief (and law breaking) she's getting up to with her loser friends.

This post is exactly why normalising teen drinking is not a good idea in the UK.

By this I mean, there's a bedrock assumption that drinking is going to happen, that teens are not, should not, and cannot be under the control of their parents, and drinking is an unstoppable and deeply rooted part of the culture that can't be challenged.

So should you buy your kids weed, as it's inevitable that they'll smoke it? Or should you buy them alcohol to stop them smoking weed?

I know loads of people who drank underage and I can’t think of many alcoholics. I think alcohol addiction comes from
underlying issues like misery and low self esteem - not just the availability of alcohol.

I also think the restrictions with alcohol may be the cause of the huge rise in children smoking weed. It’s really prevalent where I live. It’s easier to get hold of weed than alcohol.

I would do the same as you OP. One of my biggest fears is that my DDs will do stupid things that I did as a teenager and adult, so I’d rather have some control over what they do and teach them to drink safely. If they want to drink they will find a way regardless of whether we allow it or not.

So she lies, fakes ID, drinks alcohol and set's up fake sleepovers at 14.
All 14 y.o aren't drinking, she's in the wrong social circle.
You're going to have your hands full.

Absolutely the fuck not.

I wish someone had told me the harm alcohol does to your mind and body.

I wish someone had taught me that I don’t need alcohol to fit in.

I wish someone had taught me skills to manage social anxiety without needing alcohol.

To everyone saying “they are going to do it anyway” this is an absolute cop out. Educate your kids.

OK, well I have 4 kids eldest is 28 youngest 20.None have had alcohol /drug issues and we did not serve alcohol to their underage friends.

We hear again and again it's better to have a teenager drinking under supervision and developing a healthy attitude to alcohol. It doesn't develop anything other than normalise alcohol use. By far and away the biggest influence on our children's attitude and use of alcohol is the example we set and their peer group. This 'it's better to have them drinking two watered down glasses of wine at home' doesn't actually stop them drinking to oblivion in the park if that's the peer group they are in. No, Tracey, I'm not going to share a bottle of gin in the park with you because I'm allowed to have a glass of cider with my meal.
And the 'get them used to limits' BS is even worse. What do you do. Gradually get them pissed at home so they know how much cider gets them drunk and when they are in the park they stop one before. Or the 'it takes the rebellious side away if you normalise it in moderation'. No it doesn't. If their peer group are plotting a rebellious piss up in the park, it's not less rebellious to a teenager because they are permitted to have a low alcohol beer during a sleep over. Underage drinking is not inevitable. If they don't drink until they are 18 it doesn't mean they will then go crazzy on drink. Parents shouldn't be supporting a build up of alcohol tolerance so they can binge at 18 or when they go to college. The biggest risk to children from alcohol is if you are always drinking in the house and it's at every event you attend. We need to police our teens and lead by example. It's illegal and harmful for a teen to drink and as parents that's what we should be focusing on.

my mum always let me have a sip of her brandy and coke when i was growing up since before I can even remember, but i dont drink as an adult now, I just have no interest in it at all
I think normalising alcohol and not making it a taboo thing is a great way to teach responsible drinking
I think its a way of life in Britain to drink early on and not forcing them to hide it for fear of getting in trouble is the best way to go about it

You many disagree with the philosophy but unless OP was making her child an alcoholic, SS won't do anything, they'll probably shut the case on the same day. Kids experience horrible home lives and often stay in the home with some parenting classes. This will definitely not meet the threshold.

In my opinion I think your right @Elizvicky she will find it outside of your watch, primary school kids have access to vape, drugs etc. Having conversations about this and also reducing the sense of absolute no means they aren't so intrigued that they get into dangerous situations. Often times complete bans will just give you a very sneaky teen who has had much more dangerous encounters with drugs and alcohol. Or when they move out, trust me in 1st year they were the ones who couldn't control themselves, because it had been banned till 18 and they went wild (yes teenagers vary in maturity but I'd rather have time go guide them slowly then let them loose at 18). It doesn't mean your going to be letting her drink loads all the time, but modelling healthy relationships with alcohol through moderation is important. Yes some people choose to not drink (not alcoholics) for various reasons however it's also good to show that you can drink and enjoy alcohol in moderation and that many adults do. I think this is a very good idea and something done well in many cultures and families. I'd also have a policy of making sure that if anything happens or she's feeling unsafe, she can call you, no immediate questions asked you won't scream down the phone at her, just come get her. On the legality drinking from 5 under parent supervision is legal and went out I think it's over 16 if you are with an 18+ you can drink but it might be younger 15 possibly as I was able to have a drink at restaurants at that age with adults.

Maybe it’s a rural thing. Listen to Ed Sheeran’s lyrics to Castle on the Hill. Fairly typical teen experiences here in Suffolk. And I’ve lived here for 33 years and brought up teens here and heard about what their friends got up to!