To let DD14 drink at home

I think you are doing the right thing OP. My parents ran a pub for years. There were a few 16/17 year olds that used to go in, but my dad would draw a blind eye as long as they were only having a couple, not causing any sort of trouble and were with others that were old enough. His logic was he could supervise them and keep them safe - and cut them off if he felt they were having too much. He also wouldn’t let them do things like shots! As he said, if he didn’t do it, they’d be down the park getting wasted.

I never saw any of the ones who came in under age having a couple of drinks ever go out binge drinking/getting drunk once old enough. Do you know who I did see doing that? People like me, who didn’t drink alcohol until they turned 18.

I rarely drink these days, but we do allow our children a drink on a special occasion and it isn’t a taboo subject. I believe doing it this way stops the need or want to go and get plastered as soon as they’re old enough, because it’s been normalised to only drink in moderation.

It's completely legal. SD is 15 and not much of a drinker, but she loves prosecco. If we're drinking prosecco the bottle will be on the table and she helps herself. She never goes crazy, a couple of flutes and most and not regularly. I think it's a good thing for them to learn their limits in a safe environment.

Same here. There was no hanging around the parks and shops.
During the week there was after school activities and homework and weekends were taken up with sports events, family activities and visits.

I’m glad others see it like I do. I think it comes with experience and age though sadly. It’s one of those things that lots of people think is classy if you’re middle class (nice wine etc) but appalling if you’re working class (can of cider / lager) but ultimately it’s the same alcohol. My Brother and his wife used to crack open the wine at lunch time whenever we went away with them or stayed over and then they were ready for bed at 7pm. They’ve had some long term health effects from that and have realised that it isn’t healthy. It’s a tricky one because you don’t want your kids to sneak it somewhere but if they came home clearly tipsy then you could put your foot down like you would if they were smoking / doing drugs. I’m almost teetotal, it doesn’t feel good when you’re hungover and once you’ve stopped you can see the unhealthy relationship others have with alcohol more clearly.

Lambrini?? Do you want them to throw up everywhere?

Get them something decent to drink! Bottle of cava and make bucks fizz or something. Please do not give anyone Lambirni again.

It’s a hard no from me. I’m a parent to a 14 year old and a secondary school teacher and I drink myself.

You have normalised this in your head OP by saying “all teenagers do it, she’ll do it anyway.” Honestly, they don’t. Most don’t. Vaping is more of a problem than drinking. She shouldn’t be hanging round in parks and she shouldn’t be drinking anything, watered-down Lambrini or otherwise, at home. It’s OK to say no and put boundaries in place and if she won’t respect them, then that’s a different problem.

She needs a focus and a hobby. Whether it’s dancing, the gym, horses, football, singing, whatever, you need to help her to find something which has a bigger draw than hanging round in a park. That is the default for bored teens with nothing to do. And you absolutely need to challenge your own attitude here that you’re helping her manage alcohol safely. She’s underage and you’re not. Right now she shouldn’t be drinking at all and most of the kids at her school aren’t.

I was raised by parents who were daily drinkers and told themselves that "a little wine with a meal helps learn about healthy drinking"

‘It was a bit of middle class delusion and they justified it to themselves by saying it was "what the French do".’

Yep. 100%.

This is exactly how I feel. I was raised by parents who were daily drinkers and told themselves that "a little wine with a meal helps learn about healthy drinking". It was a bit of middle class delusion and they justified it to themselves by saying it was "what the French do". Probably familiar to many but ultimately it was a complete fiction that they cooked up to justify their own excessive alcohol use.

I was drinking (socially) from the age of 15 because it was so normalised around me that it was the only thing people could think of to do. I drank throughout my teenage years and into my 30s at a level which looking back was really unhealthy. I'm almost teetotal now and thankfully (so far) I haven't ever had any major health impacts. But l now look back at my youth and realise that my parents normalisation of drinking created loads of problems.

I realise that lots of children will drink regardless of what their parents say and that in some situations the parents need to supervise or set guardrails, as banning altogether isn't realistic or enforceable.

But the overall message to kids should be that alcohol is dangerous and that going down a path of heavy alcohol use is not a good idea. Why would you promote something to your kids when it's toxic and dangerous? And 14 is far, far too young. 16 or 17 possibly. But at 14 it has to be an all-out no for me.

I was not referring to your daughter having sex. Somebody else mentioned sex so I was talking about that.

Why not steer them to another pastime not alcohol?

She’s still young, you have parental influence.

I had alcohol occasionally without my parents knowing when I was 15, then a bit more at parties now and then at 17. I never really drank much until my 20s, and now I barely touch it at all, I just don’t like how it makes me feel.

My dc are 12 and 14 and I can't imagine giving them alcohol. I'll be honest, they never had Coke or Fanta at home growing up, and if they order a Coke when we're out, it's like they're living the wild life. Once they've reached full adult height and are physically developed, I won't mind if they have the occasional drink. But until then, they're still very much children, and it just feels completely wrong to give them a substance that affects the brain and body so seriously.

these are some of the risks
Higher risk of alcohol addiction later in life
Academic failure or dropping out
Mental health issues (depression, anxiety)
Riskier sexual behavior
Legal trouble or accidents

Hormonal disruption
Memory & learning issues
Poor decision making and impulse control
Emotional dysregulation
Sleep disruption
Liver stress

^None of this would be good for a teen whose body and brain aren't fully developed.

I have dc aged 15 and 13. I have friends who do the same as the op, who provide their kids with alcohol so they and all their mates will drink at home instead of in town or the park.

It’s not for me. 14 (and 15) is just too young. I would not risk the damage to my kids’ developing brains. And for those saying they’ll do it anyway, they don’t because they don’t hang out in town or at the park. I think 14 is too young to be out on an evening unsupervised, personally.

They’re still children at 14. They have plenty of time to do this stuff later.

Some of the girls at school in the 70s used to club together and buy wine and drink it in the park. It was a regular weekend thing. They left school, grew up, stopped swigging wine in fields. All except one girl who couldn't seem to stop
She died in her early 30s leaving 2 young children x

How much alcohol are they actually drinking? How low is “low alcohol”? (I have no clue as I don’t drink wine).

If it’s so low you can still drive after what, half a glass or whatever they have across the course of two hours, I don’t see the problem. If they get no buzz from it I’d be tempted to swap it out for “no alcohol” wine without saying anything, problem solved….

I almost think that once a 14-year-old is looking for sex and alcohol etc, the horse has already bolted. Mine were very different at this age and having sexual partners and getting drunk were not even on their radar. I can’t quite exactly remember what they were doing at 14, but it was probably stuff like video games, shopping, music, seeing friends for sport etc. I don’t know if I just got lucky or whether it was us or whether it was their similar peer group that helped or just that they were too busy. Whatever the reason, I am relieved.

I think it depends on your social circle. Parents offering alcohol from the age of 14 would have been unheard of amongst my kids and their friends. This didn’t happen still much later. But if everybody around you is okay with underage drinking then, then it is your normal, and you view others as clutching pearls.

Anyway, mine didn’t drink till much later. They are now early twenties and are not binge drinkers. There may be a genetic element too perhaps; it’s not that clear cut what leads to alcoholism.

But my kids and their friends didn’t need alcohol in their lives at 14, so maybe I got lucky.

Clearly a typo...

That’s a great way to be imho. I would have kept to this and not had the alcohol at the party. Make your place a space for good times without alcohol. I’d say to take it further and explain why you don’t drink.

Agree.

It was far from unanimous!

Op I think it's the sensible way to do it, especially with the context that she's already been drinking outside of the house

No alcohol is best. Drinking alcohol shouldn’t be the norm. They should have soft drinks instead. I’ve not read through so I don’t know why your neighbour could report you? Take the stance of health and explain to the kids that there are many good soft drinks. Putting alcohol together with fun times and being sociable is a danger especially at this teen age. Check yourself as well - be alcohol free and have an alcohol free house.

Raping?
How can you disagree that’s it’s not ok for a 5 year old to drink?

I mean clearly we disagree on that.

My opinion is its legal, all the parents consented and it was two glasses of low % in a supervised environment.

I think alcohol is safer than raping because its more regulated and i think telling kids no alcohol, when we drink it and use it to celebrate and relax and enjoy we make it more exciting than it is.

Im not saying give it to a 5 year old or let the 14 yr neck a load a ltr of vodka but I think by I producing alcohol slowly at home. Especially if its normal for you to have it in the house ams letting them experience it in safety in the long run is sensible.