To let DD14 drink at home

I think your on dangerous ground tbh giving other children alcohol at your home isn't right for a start. And quite frankly if you can't say no your not going out till you learn to be responsible then you need to be working on better parenting rules etc

I think it is vital that parental permission is sought first. When my DD was 15-16 and went to girls’ houses for a get together/ sleepover, other
mums would ask in the group chat if it was ok for the girls going to have say 1 fruit cider or a glass of Prosecco. I think after that, by 17, it was kind of assumed there would be alcohol. Girls’
independent school. I would say most girls drank from 16 if not 15. (A few at 14!)

drinking at home is legal, drugs are not

So by the same measure,
will you be getting in a bit of weed for them too, just to make sure they will never try hard drugs?

I think this is ok but you run the risk of upsetting other parents and need to be mindful of this. My dd was allowed spirit and a mixer at a friend’s at this age and I felt a bit put out that the parents hadn’t spoken to us about it. The thing is, they’re going to get it anyway and I’m shocked about the number of people who are so surprised that 14 year olds are drinking. I wouldn’t provide alcohol to others kids without checking with parents first. As you can see, people have very strong feelings about it for a range of reasons and depending on their own personal experiences. You need to respect this.

I was allowed a drink occasionally for 14, do was my brother, with family. Then if we did want to go to a house party my parents would buy me alcohol as a way of.policing what I was drinking and how much.
Before that we were allowed to put our finger in an alcoholic drink, mainly.because it was disgusting.
My parents rarely drank at home, but there was alcohol in the house.
Both me and my brother rarely drink now. We were educated on our limits, safety, and making good choices.
My friends were never allowed alcohol ny their parents. They all bought with fake IDs, were in very dangerous situations, hospitalised, then went to uni at 18 and went even more mad in clubs. They all have kids older than me and have actually been more like my parents than their own, they didn't feel like they were ever prepared or educated, just left to their own devices to figure it out and it didn't go.well.
I think alcohol is part of society, whether we like it or not. We need to teach teens about it, and OP is trying their best to do it in a safe environment. I would rather have an open and honest conversation with my 14 year old and reach a compromise, than them sneaking around and being in a compromising situation.
I wouldn't make it a regular thing.

Yes, this was also my niece. Not an alcoholic but had serious health problems at a very young age due to drinking. Parents allowed drinking from an early age so it was normalised.

Pretty much every single one of the under age kids in there was a child of an existing customer, and they had given permission for them to be there and drinking. My dad wasn’t talking to me, I overheard him discussing it with another customer one time, when they asked if that was X’s son. As a group they were then discussing the pros and cons, but given a 15 year old girl in our town was found raped and murdered in a field around the same time, I think all their parents felt they were safer under the watchful eye of my parents. You have to remember as well that the 80’s/90’s were a very different time to now in terms of acceptability - most of the local police would turn a blind eye themselves because they knew there was never any trouble in the pub. The odd 17 year old enjoying a pint of lager with their 18 year old friends wasn’t even remotely on their radar. To be clear, he absolutely would never have served someone younger than 16. I don’t even really remember any that young in there, it was mostly the 6th formers in with the ones who already turned 18.

I would always rather see an underage person drinking sensibly inside a home or pub than be blackout drunk on a park, choking on their own vomit, being sexually assaulted, etc. Because that’s what happens to the kids who had the super strict parents. My friend at school, in year 8, was coming in hungover so badly our English teacher was making her a coffee each morning. And it wasn’t just alcohol for her. Sadly though, she was drinking down the park etc and had a lot of crappy experiences.

I think some people cannot fathom that there are teenagers who if they are told no, they don’t do it. I was like that. My kids were pretty biddable and did not drink till they were late 16/17 I think. They didn’t really want to either. Here you are told you are in denial and your kids are sneaking off behind your back. But I’m very close with my kids and I know they did not drink at 14, 15 or 16. It happens.

Agree. There’s other things such as sports at the op’s dc age.

Is that how your dad justified it to you? I guess he thought it sounded better than saying he was breaking the law and risking his licence and family livelihood by making money out of selling a harmful drug to kids.

When I was 15 - which was a long time ago - me and my friends began experimenting with drugs - we had been drinking from earlier maybe 13/14.

Not all of the teens I knew or went to school with wanted to do this - some were even at that young age just avoidant of that type of risk.

but i enjoyed it - as did my friends. we went on from acid, speed to party drugs like ecstacy - it was very common whatever people here might say - as drug taking is still I'm sure among teenagers - I no longer do that - I stopped in my 20s - but it was a really integral part of my teen years.

Absolutely nothing any parent or adult could have done would have stopped me experimenting but I do think that adults giving me REALISTIC and honest advice around drink and drugs would have helped and been useful.

A blanket 'don't do it ever' is just really poor and lazy advice for the sort of teenagers who want to take risks (again, not all teens, but a large number)

I think people are confusing a few things. Firstly, children /teens have different personalities.

It's completely normal that SOME teenagers are risk takers and are interested in experimenting with alcohol and drugs and alterted states of consciousness. This is literally part of human history and development. The dizzy feeling, the strange impact of alcohol - knowing you are doing something slightly different/fun/naughty.

I think parents who have very 'compliant/ obedient' children are not acknowledging that SOME teenagers will take these risks where they can.

If they are having a small amount of alochol under parental supervision and this is DIRECTLY stopping them going out into a field/ high street/ graveyard and doing it there with no supervision then it is a positive exchange.

We cannot all parent in ideal situations - and we have to be realistic about what being a teenager involves. It involves for MANY teens, pulling away from parental guidance.

It's also NORMAL for teenagers to make poor decisions, take risks, behave with little regard for long term consquences - this is part of growing up.

Just saying - no, don't do it - has not worked for teenagers ever! It might work on a few obedient ones but for many it won't work.

We had a sensible approach and neither of my daughters are alcoholics and seldom now drink. We allowed them to try alcohol, most of which does not taste nice and explain the effects. They saw the effects of drink on people in various films and videos and were encouraged to drink sensibly and understand ABV..

There are lots of children drinking and taking drugs from 8 years onwards that parents have No knowledge of because there is no discussion other than a blanket ban at home.

I would rather introduce alcohol in a sensible manner than have teenagers go amok when they think they can.

I am sure we all went over the top when we first starting going to parties as teenagers who had no way to gauge what was sensible because it was never discussed.

Definitely. On Wednesday, we had a boardgame night, between the three of us, we finished a bottle of prosecco and my DH also had a beer. We had fun. Last night, we played the same games again and this time we didn't have any drinks. We had just as much fun and noted how even a small amount of alcohol had meant we were less good at the games we were playing which was funny, but also quite important I think. SD is learning that even if she doesn't feel tipsy or notice, even a glass or two can impair judgement and make her less sharp. Not a big deal when it's just losing catastrophically at Catan, but very different when you're thinking about driving.

The research contradicts mumsnet - children whose parents allow and facilitate underage drinking will drink more and at riskier levels than those whose parents do not allow it.

Based on that we decided not to allow drinking under 18. I knew that it wouldn’t stop them drinking altogether if they were determined. DD is now 19 and says we were definitely the strictest parents around alcohol. I asked her if her friends who were allowed to drink underage did it more sensibly and she laughed.

Everyone seems to agree that the nature of teenagers is to sneak around and push boundaries. But yet you think a couple of parent endorsed low alcohol drinks in the garden will be sufficient? And they’ll never want anything more? I think that’s a bit naive. Chilling in the garden at 14 does not require alcohol.

I don't think it's good for adults to encourage children to drink alcohol

And "but they'd be doing it anyway" feels like a cop out

Best approach is to educate about risks, encourage healthier pursuits eg sport and pro social friends

So no under age sex allowed but risking alcoholism and brain damage is OK?
Just wow.
I have many many dc. Most adult. They know my boundary is zero tolerance to under age drinking or sex.
They haven't burnt me at the stake for decent parenting. Stop being the cool dm op.
What next drugs because it's safer under your roof?

OP i feel you ! My child is a similar age.

Tbh i think some people are absolutely in denial. There's so much stuff you can't control and wonderful if your child never wants to drink.

My child never showed an interest in drinking but then all it takes is to slightly widen your social group, have one child who does and they all start thinking about it.

I think an honest dialogue is actually the only way forward because if they want to, they will. I found all sorts of ways of doing things when I was younger and like you ended up in vulnerable situations as a result.

My child hasn't frequently drunk but there have been 2 occasions where it's happened. They haven't drunk to excess and we've talked about the importance of not drinking much as your body isn't used to it and keeping hydrated

They also know if it gets taken too far, they can call me without fear and I will always come and get them.

I've never bought them any as I know there are a couple of friends who bring some and I think the less they have access to the better.

I personally think this age is maybe about building a healthy relationship with alcohol where its not this big awful thing they have to hide as that creates an unhealthy relationship with it. I don't actively encourage it at all and bar a sip of champagne at Christmas have never given them any.

It's a very tricky age and different teenagers show interest in things as different ages. We're all trying to manage it the best we can and I think you acted in a responsible way.

You should be pleased you have an open dialogue with your daughter.

@Overwhelmedandunderfed

It’s one of those things that lots of people think is classy if you’re middle class (nice wine etc) but appalling if you’re working class (can of cider / lager) but ultimately it’s the same alcohol.

Exactly. So much problem drinking gets swept under the carpet in middle class homes in particular because it involves middle class behaviour and upmarket alcohol so it looks respectable.

I'm not saying this applies in the OP's case and I think she's trying to be pragmatic and sensible. But I feel like so many people normalise the idea of children drinking with these weird fictions and defeatist behaviour. "It's going to happen anyway so why not supervise it," etc.

It might happen, yes, and you cross that bridge in a responsible way when you come to it, but that doesn't mean you have to advertise the idea that drinking is great and normal to a teenager. At least try to delay it as long as you can.

And there's a massive difference between 14 and 16. Supervised drinking at 16 I think is OK. 14 is just way too young.

At this age friends influence more than parents, if her friends are drinking then she will be too unless you never let her out. I had friends that were allowed to drink and although I wasn't allowed I was still drinking from 15, mostly spirits.

Parents just aren't influential at this age so it doesn't really matter if they ban it completely or let them drink a bit or even quite a bit sometimes - it really comes down to their peers.

IMO though it's parental drinking that influences kids more once they become adults themselves. My parents don't drink and as an adult I don't either, where children see their parents handling stress, exhaustion, depression, anxiety with alcohol that's where it's more likely to become a problem IMO. That where children learn to see it as a coping mechanism. On the other hand of course if teens have a lot of problems themselves and find that it seems to help - well that can be very problematic to.

I think what you've done is ok OP as long as it isn't happening every weekend. I'd try to keep it as a birthday/special occasion thing for now and encourage her to go out and do things with her friends that don't involve drinking.

I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides of my family, thankfully it missed my mum and dad so we were brought up with 2 adults that had responsible drinking habits. From around the age of 8 I was allowed a shandy( a touch of lager with a pint of lemonade on top) a babycham or snowball at Christmases or special occasions. Then when I was about 16 I was told never to lie to them about going out drinking with friends or I would never be allowed out again. So I would tell them the truth but if I ever came in totally hammered, slurring my speech and not knowing who or what I am then again I wouldn't be allowed out. I am not saying it made me an angel that only had 3 drinks then stopped but I always knew my limit.

I'm 47 now and very rarely drink as I just don't like the feeling of losing control and I have 1 son that doesn't drink at all as he doesn't like the taste, one that will have a drink if he is out with mates and my youngest is 18 and will have a drink if he doesn't have work the next day or doesn't have anything planned as he doesn't want alcohol ruining his day

OP I wonder whether it would be worth inviting the same girls around again next weekend, and giving them normal teenage drinks. Then check with them the following day to see if they enjoyed themselves just as much as they did the night you allowed them to have alcohol. Don't mention the alcohol side of things when you ask, just ask if they had a good time, and then ask if it was as good as last time. Assuming they say yes, then you can point out to them that they can have just a much fun without alcohol, as they did with it. Then point out that it's the company you keep that makes for a fun night out, not how much alcohol you have. Just a thought.

I’m glad you’ve managed to find that. I think there’s a fine line between just letting your kids do what they want, and giving them appropriate boundaries to experiment/try things safely. A blanket ban, in my experience, just doesn’t work. Learning to drink in moderation is far preferable to getting blind drunk every night once old enough!

Yep, I didn't touch alcohol until I started Uni and my parents were very over-protective and strict about that sort of thing. I went completely wild, binge drinking off the scale. It's taken me a long time to find a healthy relationship with alcohol.