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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws making life and marriage miserable

111 replies

Workingmummyof2beautifulkids · 03/08/2025 18:31

During my 2nd difficult pregnancy, my inlaws had no interest in my wellbeing, focused on other grandchildren (not DD1) with childcare for BIL & SIL (PIL moved close to them 6yrs ago) and taking them on holiday (my DD who was 4 at the time was invited but she could of potentially missed the birth of her brother so I said no and I also felt she was too young) . On return from holiday I received a message from MIL to congratulate me for holding on until they returned from holiday. I was planned for a c-section date and she advised me that they would visit the hospital when I got out of surgery (I was not happy with this situation as I felt like I needed time to recover and bond with baby). It was agreed with my husband that my parents who were looking after DD to visit once I returned to the ward and felt a bit more normal ie. Able to move legs and painkillers kicked in and they could visit in the evening. This was ignored and they arrived once I was back onto the ward and ahead of my parents. I was given morphine which did not agree with me. On their arrival i got upset as my husband took my son off the ward to meet them at the same time my parents turned up with our daughter - I missed DD & DS first meeting which i am devastated about.
My inlaws took offence to me not seeing them and I received a txt in the evening from MIL only to advise that she had let everyone know about the arrival of their grandson and that they were wetting the baby's head with BIL & SIL.
Fast forward 4 days and the PIL, BIL (husband brother) & SIL with 3 grandson arrived to meet baby at our house. MIL did not advise she was bringing lunch but that her other grandsons needed fed so could she use our oven. MIL swooned over SIL holding my baby and I was ignored on the sofa in the corner of the room.
FIL is a difficult man and demands constant attention, he is unpleasant about our house, village and how he is hosted in our house.He told me not to have anymore children that day.
A large mess was left in the kitchen which I was left to clear up - 4 days post c-section.
I was very upset after this visit.
My father in law demanded we drove 1hr to his "birthday party" at a posh hotel at 6 weeks postpartum,at a time i was fighting off an infection and heavy bleeding which i was hospitalised with along with PND. I was ignored throughout this visit and again my SIL was given all the attention when she held my baby. He demanded we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.
Both my marriage and relationship with in laws had become strained within this last year.
They have made zero effort to come to our house and my husband who is continually going along with the demands of his FIL (hard upbringing, family members no longer speak to FIL) to visit them 1hr away.
On my 3rd last visit I was told that I was not welcome in their house as I did not inform them I was visiting with DH and I was not catered for. I was not spoken to on this visit.
On my last 2nd last visit, my DH was expected to help his dad in the office (happens on regular basis where myself and my children are ushered down to my BIL, often unannounced, so we did not make any noise. I had an argument with MIL about how unwelcoming they made us feel and was ignored.
FIL also ignored us as we left.
Last visit, we picked our daughter up as we had left her there for a few hours whilst we picked up a new car 20 miles from where they live. On arrival we were told that we had outstayed our welcome and FIL went to phone the local takeaway and told us to leave. No goodbyes.

I have had enough, however my husband had this is whole entire life so knows nothing different. Its starting to effect our marriage as I am refusing to attend his birthday party at the posh restaurant again. I cant be a hypocrite and attend with him paying for a meal and have the upper hand of thinking his behaviour is acceptable. My husband will be taking our children but the whole situation makes me feel really sad as I want to get on with my inlaws.
I've been really hurt and feel like my husband doesnt care about me by supporting me with all this, he thinks I just have to accept the way my PILs are behaving

I would appreciate any advice to make me feel sane.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Workingmummyof2beautifulkids · 03/08/2025 18:51

He's taking our children regardless of how I feel as apparently its not fair on the grandparents not seeing them. He cant see that his parents never visit us and say its easier us going to them.
I am currently being accused of being manipulative and keeping the children away from them over how I feel, which is not the case.

Ive tried to discuss my feelings with my husband but hes very dismissive, saying I'm the one with the problem and why I cant go along with the way his dad to make life easy.

I have been accused of wrecking our marriage over this and he wont take my feelings on board. I have no opinion except from being in the wrong.

OP posts:

Testerical · 03/08/2025 18:50

Also please don’t waste your precious energy in trying to get on with the toxic in laws. They are no good and it will never work. You sound like an empathetic person and that makes you at risk of putting your needs last. Just cut them off. If your partner wants a continued relationship with them, fine. You don’t need them in your life.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 03/08/2025 18:50

Your ILs are not nice people but your husband sounds pathetic. Why is he not sticking up for you?

You should be demanding better from your husband. He can socialise with his parents but you don’t have to. If they come to your home again, walk out. Do nothing for them.

I’d also be suggesting your DH speaks to a therapist about why he is so passive with their poor treatment of him and you. There’s clearly a lot to unpick and a few sessions might open his eyes.

Redburnett · 03/08/2025 18:49

Sounds like a DH problem - he should be supporting you and telling his parents what is and isn't acceptable. If he won't or can't you either accept it or move a long way away....

Stompythedinosaur · 03/08/2025 18:48

This is a dh problem, not an in law problem. I can't get over that he took your newborn baby off the ward and away from you, what was he thinking!?!

I wonder about some sort of couples counselling with your dh to explore why he doesn't have your back might help? The fact he hasn't protected you when you were vulnerable is not a good look!

Testerical · 03/08/2025 18:47

You’ve been treated really badly by everyone here :( I’m sorry it’s so difficult.

Unfortunately dysfunctional families often continue over generations. The issue here is your DH, he needs to be on your side first and foremost. And cut these horrible people off. But that will be very hard if his version of ‘normal’ is so warped.

If he has little insight into how fucked up his family is, then it might be a lost cause. I’m sorry, OP :(

Lavenderandclimbingrose · 03/08/2025 18:44

Did I read that right - you are blaming the in-laws for your husband being drunk and driving both children at 11 pm? Your husband was drunk and drunk drove both of your too children / how is that on them? If your husband drunk drove I wouldn’t be married to him that is unforgiveable

Your husband is just as abusive as them. Apples don’t fall far from the tree. He your Dh is abusive as he doesn’t protect you

elwx · 03/08/2025 18:41

AnnaMagnani · 03/08/2025 18:37

The thing that stands out is where is your DH in all of this?

ILs leave a mess in your kitchen when you are 4 days post partum - why isn't he cleaning it up?

ILs want you to go to a party when you are ill - why isn't he saying you aren't well enough and that he has to stay at home to look after you and the DCs?

I honestly think you are focussing on the wrong people here. Your DH is right in saying the ILs are who they are and won't change. He's wrong in expecting you to deal with them.

Let the ILs do whatever they want, your issue is your DH needs to have your back.

Couldn’t agree more with this.
Whilst you clearly do have an inlaw problem, the thing you should be focusing on is your husband problem. If he didn’t enable their behaviour, none of it would matter. The inlaws can shout and scream their demands all they want, but if your husband is standing up to them and saying no, then it wouldn’t matter

Lavenderandclimbingrose · 03/08/2025 18:41

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 03/08/2025 18:35

Just stop socialising with them, using them to babysit, or anything else. If your wet lettuce DH wants to keep hanging around mummy and daddy he is going on his own, you and the children won't be going. Then don't enter into any more discussion on the issue.

This and tell him as much and how HE let you down and tell him all of your first message if you haven’t done so and he needs to choose abusive parents or his wife and kids. My ex chose the first and it was hard, but in the long run it was better for everyone.