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Original poster

Inlaws making life and marriage miserable

111 replies

Workingmummyof2beautifulkids · 03/08/2025 18:31

During my 2nd difficult pregnancy, my inlaws had no interest in my wellbeing, focused on other grandchildren (not DD1) with childcare for BIL & SIL (PIL moved close to them 6yrs ago) and taking them on holiday (my DD who was 4 at the time was invited but she could of potentially missed the birth of her brother so I said no and I also felt she was too young) . On return from holiday I received a message from MIL to congratulate me for holding on until they returned from holiday. I was planned for a c-section date and she advised me that they would visit the hospital when I got out of surgery (I was not happy with this situation as I felt like I needed time to recover and bond with baby). It was agreed with my husband that my parents who were looking after DD to visit once I returned to the ward and felt a bit more normal ie. Able to move legs and painkillers kicked in and they could visit in the evening. This was ignored and they arrived once I was back onto the ward and ahead of my parents. I was given morphine which did not agree with me. On their arrival i got upset as my husband took my son off the ward to meet them at the same time my parents turned up with our daughter - I missed DD & DS first meeting which i am devastated about.
My inlaws took offence to me not seeing them and I received a txt in the evening from MIL only to advise that she had let everyone know about the arrival of their grandson and that they were wetting the baby's head with BIL & SIL.
Fast forward 4 days and the PIL, BIL (husband brother) & SIL with 3 grandson arrived to meet baby at our house. MIL did not advise she was bringing lunch but that her other grandsons needed fed so could she use our oven. MIL swooned over SIL holding my baby and I was ignored on the sofa in the corner of the room.
FIL is a difficult man and demands constant attention, he is unpleasant about our house, village and how he is hosted in our house.He told me not to have anymore children that day.
A large mess was left in the kitchen which I was left to clear up - 4 days post c-section.
I was very upset after this visit.
My father in law demanded we drove 1hr to his "birthday party" at a posh hotel at 6 weeks postpartum,at a time i was fighting off an infection and heavy bleeding which i was hospitalised with along with PND. I was ignored throughout this visit and again my SIL was given all the attention when she held my baby. He demanded we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.
Both my marriage and relationship with in laws had become strained within this last year.
They have made zero effort to come to our house and my husband who is continually going along with the demands of his FIL (hard upbringing, family members no longer speak to FIL) to visit them 1hr away.
On my 3rd last visit I was told that I was not welcome in their house as I did not inform them I was visiting with DH and I was not catered for. I was not spoken to on this visit.
On my last 2nd last visit, my DH was expected to help his dad in the office (happens on regular basis where myself and my children are ushered down to my BIL, often unannounced, so we did not make any noise. I had an argument with MIL about how unwelcoming they made us feel and was ignored.
FIL also ignored us as we left.
Last visit, we picked our daughter up as we had left her there for a few hours whilst we picked up a new car 20 miles from where they live. On arrival we were told that we had outstayed our welcome and FIL went to phone the local takeaway and told us to leave. No goodbyes.

I have had enough, however my husband had this is whole entire life so knows nothing different. Its starting to effect our marriage as I am refusing to attend his birthday party at the posh restaurant again. I cant be a hypocrite and attend with him paying for a meal and have the upper hand of thinking his behaviour is acceptable. My husband will be taking our children but the whole situation makes me feel really sad as I want to get on with my inlaws.
I've been really hurt and feel like my husband doesnt care about me by supporting me with all this, he thinks I just have to accept the way my PILs are behaving

I would appreciate any advice to make me feel sane.

Thanks.

OP posts:
ANiceBigCupOfTea · 03/08/2025 20:14

AnnaMagnani · 03/08/2025 18:37

The thing that stands out is where is your DH in all of this?

ILs leave a mess in your kitchen when you are 4 days post partum - why isn't he cleaning it up?

ILs want you to go to a party when you are ill - why isn't he saying you aren't well enough and that he has to stay at home to look after you and the DCs?

I honestly think you are focussing on the wrong people here. Your DH is right in saying the ILs are who they are and won't change. He's wrong in expecting you to deal with them.

Let the ILs do whatever they want, your issue is your DH needs to have your back.

This

Yachties · 03/08/2025 20:13

I think you are blaming your in-laws and you don’t like them much. Why shouldn’t the dc father take them to his parents? They are also his children.

Motherbear44 · 03/08/2025 20:11

Lavenderandclimbingrose · 03/08/2025 18:44

Did I read that right - you are blaming the in-laws for your husband being drunk and driving both children at 11 pm? Your husband was drunk and drunk drove both of your too children / how is that on them? If your husband drunk drove I wouldn’t be married to him that is unforgiveable

Your husband is just as abusive as them. Apples don’t fall far from the tree. He your Dh is abusive as he doesn’t protect you

I can't get past this. 'Forced' to drunk drive his two young children ???? That would be a game changer for me. I would be seriously considering if this man is fit to parent the children.

And he left you to clean the kitchen. What an absolute **hole.

Jorgua · 03/08/2025 20:08

There's not many "milestones" or "moments" I get super het up about but missing my kids meeting each other for the first time I would find so hard to forgive.

winzom · 03/08/2025 20:04

How would you feel about going nuclear and divorcing (when you have figured out your finances etc.)?

I know that would mean shared custody and the kids would see their GPs via their father, but you'd have them to yourself in your time, your DH would be off your back, and you wouldn't have to see or speak to your ILs again.

Do not stay married "for the sake of the children", they might be young now, but they will definitely pick up on things, and separate lives often works out best for everyone if it's reasonable and sensibly done.

Do you love DH with every fibre of your being or are you with him because you don't want the kids to be disrupted? What do YOU feel is best here, because I doubt DH will move on easily from the enmeshment, and the GPs certainly won't either.

Confusdworriedmum · 03/08/2025 20:03

Your ILs sound nasty but your DH is just as bad if not worse because he lets his parents treat you like crap and then blames you because you don't want to put up with it.
Why are you with him? I know it's hard leaving (I really do) but you need to. You deserve better and do you want your kids growing up thinking it's okay to be abusive to their future partners? I really hope you do leave. No-one is making him act this way he's choosing to be vile.

TonTonMacoute · 03/08/2025 20:02

I am looking for genuine help! Not trollers.

This is an Internet forum lovely. We can offer help and support (unless you manage to activate the vipers somehow) but we cannot make up for what is lacking IRL.

The problem is, as PPs have pointed out several times, is your DH. It's his family who are behaving badly, he is the liaison between you and them, and he seems to be more concerned with keeping them happy than keeping you happy.

You need to talk to him, explain to him what you have said here and tell him to protect you from these entitled bullies. Put your fucking foot down!

Sassybooklover · 03/08/2025 20:01

AnnaMagnani · 03/08/2025 18:37

The thing that stands out is where is your DH in all of this?

ILs leave a mess in your kitchen when you are 4 days post partum - why isn't he cleaning it up?

ILs want you to go to a party when you are ill - why isn't he saying you aren't well enough and that he has to stay at home to look after you and the DCs?

I honestly think you are focussing on the wrong people here. Your DH is right in saying the ILs are who they are and won't change. He's wrong in expecting you to deal with them.

Let the ILs do whatever they want, your issue is your DH needs to have your back.

This with bells on! Your husband's priority should be you and his children, not his parents. He needs to stand up for you, and stop pandering to his parents. You have an IL issue but your main problem is your husband.

GreenCandleWax · 03/08/2025 20:01

elwx · 03/08/2025 18:41

Couldn’t agree more with this.
Whilst you clearly do have an inlaw problem, the thing you should be focusing on is your husband problem. If he didn’t enable their behaviour, none of it would matter. The inlaws can shout and scream their demands all they want, but if your husband is standing up to them and saying no, then it wouldn’t matter

Show quote history

Appalling that he did not have your back when in hospital with baby, or that he left you to clear up the kitchen mess. What kind of husband does this in these circumstances? There is no way I could live like this. Tell your DH he must grow up and develop a backbone, and support his wife. Flowers

grumpygrape · 03/08/2025 19:59

Sorry for you and the situation you are in OP . But others are right, you have an in law problem but also a husband problem too.

Please don't stay with him for the sake of the children. Only stay with him if he starts putting you and the children first, as in before his manipulative parents and sil.

fthisfthatfeverything · 03/08/2025 19:58

You can’t expect him to avoid his family for you.
i stopped speaking to my in laws I didn’t expect my husband to.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 03/08/2025 19:57

” we went back to local pub and my husband got very drunk and was forced to drive 1hr home at 11pm with our 2 children.”

sorry who was forced to drive? You or a very drunk husband?

edit- note to self,read updates first! Sorry OP!

in any case, your husband is the big problem here, isn’t he? He knows no different but is enabling their piss poor behaviour. Unless he is prepared to change the dynamic, nothing will change

thestudio · 03/08/2025 19:56

Lavenderandclimbingrose · 03/08/2025 18:41

This and tell him as much and how HE let you down and tell him all of your first message if you haven’t done so and he needs to choose abusive parents or his wife and kids. My ex chose the first and it was hard, but in the long run it was better for everyone.

Show quote history

And tell him his parents will abuse his children as they abused him and are trying to abuse you.

Tell him you're a strong woman who will protect her children from these people, and it's up to him which side he's on.

Batherssss · 03/08/2025 19:55

Your husband is the problem.
Can your family help you.
I would be moving home with my children for an extended period.
He is always going to be bullied by them.
You are right to refuse to see them.
I think your marriage is over.
Your weak husband has chosen his family over you.
Stop having children.
Weak men are the worst husbands.

Chipsahoy · 03/08/2025 19:55

You have a DH problem here. He’s the issue.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/08/2025 19:53

AffIt · 03/08/2025 19:33

Your husband drove drunk with your children in the car? And you're still with this appalling piece of shit?

To hell with everything else: find your anger, OP, and leave all of this.

Read the updates - OP drove home.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/08/2025 19:53

OP you don’t have an in law problem, you have a DH problem, Why are you still with this man ?

fthisfthatfeverything · 03/08/2025 19:52

Most of that could be ignored but just stop socialising with them.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/08/2025 19:52

Stompythedinosaur · 03/08/2025 18:54

I've just reread the post and realised your dh drunk drove with your dc in the car - this is so far beyond acceptable I can't express it. I actually think I'd leave a partner who endangered your dc in this way and use it for grounds to only allow supervised contact!

Read it again. He didn’t drive home, OP did. Six weeks post partum.

Beeayenayenayen · 03/08/2025 19:46

Just wanted to send some solidarity - difficult in-laws are so hard to deal with and yours sound particularly terrible. But as basically everyone else has said, your husband is actually the bigger problem. I really hope you're ok OP and have some kind, loving people around to support you and your young family where these people (especially your husband) are so badly letting you down.

Testerical · 03/08/2025 19:35

Please read the messages from the OP. There was no drunk driving by the kids’ dad.

But these people are bad people and the OP needs to get away from them. Don’t make the next generation of shitty man apologists:

mindutopia · 03/08/2025 19:34

They sound insufferable, but the problem here is boundaries. You don’t seem to have any.

If I didn’t want them to visit the hospital, I wouldn’t have even told them baby had been born until I was ready for visitors. I didn’t have any visitors for 10 days with either of mine. I’m not sure anyone even knew I was in labour.

I also don’t invite anyone to my house who I don’t like. I will not be in the same room as MIL’s partner or go to any family events where he is there. Therefore, he’s not ever invited to ours. MIL has to come on her own. And the family coordinates events around him so we both aren’t invited. Anything we don’t want to go to because he’s there, we just say, sorry, not coming and don’t go.

I won’t put up with anyone treating me like crap and dh knows it’s a condition of a happy life with me that he doesn’t either, so he always has my back. Your Dh sounds pretty crap too.

AffIt · 03/08/2025 19:33

Your husband drove drunk with your children in the car? And you're still with this appalling piece of shit?

To hell with everything else: find your anger, OP, and leave all of this.

mrssunshinexxx · 03/08/2025 19:32

I wouldn’t go and I also wouldn’t let my children. They aren’t kind people

InsanityPolarity · 03/08/2025 19:31

Your dh needs to open his eyes and realise it’s not fair on you to be subjected to this.
I’m not going to bad mouth him as he’s had a lifetime of manipulation and it’s hard for him to see clearly. He’s been living in fear of them and thinks he’d rather upset you than them.
He has to learn that his priority is now with you and his dcs. You all need to come first.
I absolutely would keep my dcs away from them. What are you showing them when they see how badly you and dh are treated by them?

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